Myranda's HRT Journey to Self Discovery & Happiness

[Myranda]

Just a quick little update...

For the better part of the last 2 weeks or so, I wake up every morning and my breast are quite achy.  It really started about half-way through my last round of my monthly Progesterone.  I measured myself, and I'm now a solidly somewhere between 42.5 and 43 inches overbust. 

Yesterday I noticed that there was a definite shape to them visible while wearing a regular button down shirt, but not so noticeable that anyone would see them if they didn't know better.  Bu it was clear to me for sure.  Also they  are extremely noticeable to me when wearing the right kind of t-shirt, and they really seem to clean to my t-shirts after I get out of the shower or have been active.  Tuesday night I was playing dodge ball and when I went to change out of my sweaty gym clothes afterwards, and I put on a new clean and dry t-shirt, it was like they could not be contained and hidden.  I both loved it and was like Holy, ->-bleeped-<-, what is going on?!!!

[KayXo]

  Great times!

[Myranda]

So It's been a long while since I posted here.  Some updates.

AT the end of April, things were going great with my HRT, I liked the way I was feeling, I was really starting to notice positive changes in my body and I was quite happy.

And then I met someone, a woman, who I was instantly drawn too.  Things were going great between us and when things were starting to get intimate, I had a bit of a freak out like what am I doing when it didn't want to work properly.  I mean it worked, but not reliably and not always when I was with her.  She was and is super understanding about that.  I hadn't told her about my HRT.  Which I know is not the best way to start out, especially given how my marriage ended.

But I listened to the "little voice" inside me and after speaking with my GD, I stopped HRT, Estradial and Progesterone cold.  I had even took the last of my Clomid (about 2 weeks worth) that I had to reboost my T.  And things were great and still are with my girlfriend, but for the last 2 weeks or so, something has been missing and I'm really being drawn back into wanting to get back on my Estrogen and continue on with my journey.  I cannot believe how strong this need is, or how fast it came on.

At my weekly appointment I started to talk to my therapist about this again last week.  IT was odd, I felt so comfortable  with myself the past year when I was on Estradial.  Every day I took it like clockwork, hell I was even looking forward to taking it everyday.  I Sure I wasn't developing as fast as I would have preferred (no one does), and some of that is my own doing (I had stopped with the AA at around 4 months, and I had opted not to up my does after a couple of months).  Now I'm really considering talking to my GD about it  again, and looking into upping my dose, to help my Estradial really work.  One of the big things my therapist and I talked about and need to continue discussing is living in the "in between" at least for right now.  I think one of the biggest things holding me back  is the whole Starting over and "learning new skills and wardrobe."I've toyed with the idea of growing out my hair and have tried on a few occassions, but it is really hard for me to get back an awkward stage with my hair where it just annoys the heck out of me, because it just does its own thing.  More than anything I think it is a lot of fear tht is holding me back, that and the unknown.

[Dena]

AAs don't always make a big difference in a transgender's life but in those who it does, the difference is night and day. I have seen others on the site who have attempted this little experiment and unfortunately unless you meet the right partner, it comes down to a very difficult decision. Can you live with the old you or will you need to take a big risk going forward into a life you have had no experience with. You're doing in right by keeping your therapist involved as that will give you another view point and help you see what your having difficulty seeing. Good luck in your journey where ever it may take you.

[Myranda]

Dena, are you saying some Transwoman develop jsut fine with no real changes to their T?

[Myranda]

I guess was I was trying to address in my post from earlier this morning, is that over the last few weeks, I've come back to again questioning myself and who I am and how I view my own self.  Once again, I no longer feel comfortable identifying myself as completely male, but I don't know if I am ready to comfortably view myself as female either.   As a whole I am able to tolerate my life the way it is, but something about myself and the way I look and the way my body feels to me is just off and like there is something wrong and missing from it.  I'm able to tolerate my male part, so I wouldn't say that I am disgusted by it or any of a number of other "popular" emotions many transwoman have about it, but I don't take any great comfort in it being there.  And while I'm not completely sold on the idea of SRS or GCS though I'm, I've had numerous dreams over the years where something happened to me that mangled it beyond "salvaging" and I've been comfortable in those situations in having it removed and undergoing SRS.    a large part of me feels that being unburdened by it sexually would put me at ease with myself, especially in the sense that a small part of me feels that as long as it is there I need to be a certain way.  But I'm, also paralyzed in how to deal with it and doing anything about it.  I want to be more open and expressive, but I feel isolated and alone nd most of all stuck. 

And yes I, clearly have other psychological issues that I am also trying to work through with my therapist.  So I appologize if these last few posts have been scattered and hectic and crazy sounding.  I'm sure I probably come across as one who is just trolling the internet.  This past spring I had nearly convinced myself that I thought I wanted to embark on this journey because of my other issues that were exasperated by my toxic relationship(s), but now that I have found someone who is not toxic, I find that many of these thoughts and emotions have come bubbling back to the surface once more, and perhaps stronger.  Especially after we have had some difficult conversations related to my ex.

[Dena]

I am saying in a MTF testosterone often is the primary cause of dysphoria. Eliminating Testosterone can result in a reduction in dysphoria in as little as a few days and often within a couple of weeks. It doesn't work that way for everybody and some need RLE to take the edge off. It appears that AA are at least part of the solution for your dysphoria.

[Myranda]

Dena,  I'm not so sure it is a sensitivity oto Testosterone, so much as a lack of sex hormone, and especially Estrogen right now.

[Dena]

Some people seem to be comfortable with estradiol alone but I have seen more dramatic changes in people when their birth hormone is blocked. In my case, I was on Premarin at what would be considered a transition dosage. I didn't have a blocker because this was long before blockers where used in our treatment. The dysphoria was still bad after starting Premarin and it was surgery that really made a big difference as it was the first time I was free of Testosterone.

In those days we didn't make the connection that testosterone was a major portion of the problem. It's different for FTMs because their testosterone dosage is high enough to effective block estrogen production. MTFs can block testosterone production with estrogen but it's more difficult and requires injections or pellets to produce and maintain sufficiently high levels.

Our levels were never tested like they are today so the lack of feedback meant some of us were probably over dosed and most of us were probably under dosed. HRT has come a long way and I have learn a lot about modern HRT off this site.

[Myranda]

As I have mentioned a couple of months ago, I stopped my MtF HRT, as I was beginning to have doubts.  What I'm not sure that I talked about is that those doubts and some other developments in my life lead me to resume my Testopel treatment after begin of estrogen for a couple of months.  So after having the pellets implanted 3 weeks ago, I really began to regret that decision and feel like I had made the wrong choice and that something was "just missing" after about 2 weeks.  So for the last week or so, I have been feeling a bit off and "incomplete."  It hit me really hard when my estrogen prescription came up for auto refill and the pharmacy let me know that it was ready for pick up.  So now I feel just sorta stuck, as I need to let the pellets run their course before I can presumably resume taking my estrogen and progesterone.

When I started this journey, I wasn't really sure so I told myself: "6-months.  See how you feel about things after 6-months."  Well the six months came and went, and it never really occurred to me.  As I was approaching the 1-year point it started to dawn on me, and like I said, I had some other positive developments in my life around that time as well.  So here I am basically back to where I was 18 months ago, eagerly and impatiently waiting until I can start taking estrogen.

And of course both my GD and therapist are on vacation this week to boot.

[Myranda]

So a couple of of quick observations and 1 minor interesting thing happened yesterday.

1) After I showered yesterday I was standing in front of the large bathroom mirror, and I was amazed at how relatively large my breasts looked, and especially my nipples.  I mean I'm barely a full A cup, but I was surprised  is all especially since I have been off for nearly 3 months.

2) It was hot yesterday and very muggy, so the AC was working pretty hard in my office.  For a good hour at one point, I was getting the most wonderful tingly chills in my nipples, something that I was experiencing over the winter when it was super cold out.

3) And finally, it hit me really bad/hard last night just how much I miss being on my estrogen.  I really wish I could just start taking it again and that I had not gotten spooked back in May when things were not functioning after I had started this new relationship.

I am so tired of this ping ponging and waxing and waning roller coaster ride of my gender identity.

[Myranda]

So it has been a good while since I last posted, I think it was towards the end of the summer.  I started another round of Testosterone pellets a month ago because I was much more "normal" as my T level began to return to my normal levels of less than 200ng/dL and things in my personal life improved.

At the end of August or the beginning of September when my T levels were really high (for me) I could wait for my treatment course to end, so I could start back up on Estrogen and Progesterone again.  So in short T is definitely not helping and is not the answer for me.

Well my T is back up again, and for the last two weeks, all I can think about is being back on Estrogen and I am having some long lasting period of dysphoria and wishing my body was much more feminine and that I could explore that side of me more.

It also sucks that where I live on the Cape is so far away from any Transgender support groups.  And even though I work in Boston, my work schedule and my commute make it really hard for me to stay in the City and attend one because I am so tired at the end of my work day.

I wish I could figure this thing out.

[Myranda]

It has been a rough Holiday season, but as crappy as it has been, I've come to accept a few things and am determined to restart my HRT regime.  I have been in contact with my GD and will be calling their office tomorrow to schedule an appointment to resume my transition.

Part of this is due to the stresses of my relationship with my girlfriend over that fall and winter, and a huge part of it has been this nagging voice that has been getting louder and louder and significantly harder to ignore.  my regular therapist is going out on maternity leave at the end of the month, and when meeting with other therapists, one of them picked up on my gender identity issue with practically no input from me.  That was a huge factor in my decision to start going to see this therapist in the interim, and if I am honest with myself has helped me come to more peace with this side of me.

When I go see my GD later this month, I am determined to picked up where I left off and up my Spiro dose to start to get the results I need to see and feel to help put myself at ease.

[Myranda]

Two quick updates:

1) Got my appointment with my GD for tomorrow morning after my regular therapy session

2) Met with my new therapist this morning and had a great session and focused quite a bit on my gender issues.  And I am really looking forward to continuing that discussion with them.

[Myranda]

Just got back from meeting with my GD this morning.

As of today I am back on my HRT regimen.  I am pretty much picking back up right where I left off.  I will start my T blockers next month when my current Testopel course has run it course, so that we can evaluate my T levels on the Spiro from my normal historical levels.

My mind is already at ease.  And I'm pretty excited.

[Myranda]

So last Wednesday I posted that I was back on my HRT regimen.  It was about a 6-month break in things, but I swear that after 2 full days on Estrogen again, I could feel some soreness in my chest and breasts and itchiness in my nipples.  At first I thought it was just my imagination or wishful thinking, but it has persisted, and this morning, my breasts (if you can call them that yet) felt fuller when I cupped them with my opposite hand with my forearm underneath the breast on that side.

Other than that I feel great.  My mind is has calmed back down, and am no longer doubting myself or wondering if I am making the right decision or the wrong one by not being on HRT.

But aside from the positives I feel from being back on Estrogen I am feeling a bit down and extremely bored.  I've been out of work now since December 20th, and I don't know when I'll be going back to work.  Not being allowed to go to work  is making me feel even more isolated than I already felt after the events of the past couple of years since I first started coming here.  Wow, has it already been 2 years? (ok it's been about 18 months, I just looked).  In short, I'm going stir crazy sitting at home alone, not really wanting to go out to try save money to get through this political nightmare that has taken my life hostage.
Anyway, I'm glad the forums are back up so I have a safe place to go and put some of this stuff down and get it out between my therapy sessions.

[Myranda]

God, why can this community and segment of society be so vicious to itself?

In another thread, I posted a short response without a ton of details or scientific study information that summed up what I understood to be the answer to the original poster's question, adding some information about my own experience.

In return, someone responded accusing me DIYing my treatment and all but accusing me of being a troll, or at the very least not really transgender.

The simple answer is I am not sure what exactly I am and I'm scared about what this all means.  But a part of me feels better when I have Estrogen in my system.  But honestly, I'm afraid that people think I'm a fake or something.  I have noticed that people are reading this thread but are not commenting on it.  I'm sure it is just my insecurities and fear getting the best of me, but doubt can be a powerful thing to try and overcome, especially when you come to some kind of realization or understanding of yourself in relation to this subject much later in life.

But wow, that response felt so vicious that I'm crushed and to think that I woke feeling great about the day ahead of me.

[Myranda]

I should add, that I think the reason why that response cut so deep is because it goes straight to when my ex-wife and her family accused me repeatedly of lying to and betraying her for the entire length of our relationship, which then somehow justified their treatment, emotional, pyschologicaly and legally of me since we separated.

[Melinda@heart]

Myranda,

You will find that there a few who will make posts like the one you referred to. I generally skip over those and move on to the next.  It is not worth stressing over people who make assumptions and "know" everything and what is best for everyone else. As long as you and your doctor are happy, that is all that matters. Best of luck to you!

~Mindy

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

[Myranda]

Thanks Mindy.  I feel better about things now, and I didn't necessarily mean this community here at Susan's place, but more the whole LGBT and specifically the Transgender community as a whole.