Meeting other transpeople for the first time. It was horrible!

[Julia1996]

I find the lack of maturity displayed by the attendees rather shocking in every way. These were adults but were acting like a bunch of kindergarden level kids, if not worse.

I'm also amazed at how people respond to Albinos. I had a class mate in high school who was Albino and we all had a crush on him ( not me, I just wanted his hair, eyes and height ) . 

When it comes to being stared at, I've been advised to look back at them until they avert their eyes. Most will avert their eyes and that is a sign that you have taken on the position of power. You need to learn not to look away from those who stare at you because that way you are handing power over to them. Take control of the situation and look firmly back at them.  I've had to learn that myself because I do get stared at because I don't fit the female stereotype, and it takes people a long time to try to figure me out and find a stereotypical box to squash me into, and they do so by staring at me. I just look back at them directly, and they virtually immediately look away. YEAH! It is a very empowering feeling.

I'm pretty used to being stared at. It really only bothers me when I'm in a large group of people and a lot of them are staring at me. If it's just a single person I do stare back at them and like you said they drop their eyes. If my brother is with me I don't have to do anything. He'll say "give me your number and I'll text you a picture of her so you don't have to hurt your eyes staring so hard." He will get loud about it too. I've had people ask me some of the stupidest questions that make me laugh rather than get mad. Like, can I see in the dark? Will I have a seizure if sunlight touches my skin? Can I tolerate cold better than normal people? Do I glow in blacklight? My favorite question which a lot of people have asked me is, since I can't be in sunlight why don't I just use a tanning bed and get tan that way? DUHHH.  LOL!

[James80]

I wish the support group in my area was still active, although if this is the norm, maybe not.

I went to middle school with a girl with violet eyes. The home ec teacher left our class unattended for a few minutes and some guys decided they wanted a closer look, so they grabbed her, threw her down on one of the tables, and pried her eyes open with her screaming the entire time. That's like seared into my memory. Shudder.

Sorry for what you have to put up with.

[elkie-t]

I am not exactly sure why would you want transgender support group in your situation in the first place. You're so much ahead of many in the process, you have supporting family and friends. If you just wanted to grow your social network, I'd say join some hobby club or activity group. Ballet dancing or yours would do much more for you than hanging around with bunch of older cross dressers who are afraid to come out publicly...


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[CarlyMcx]

I attend a support group that is structured and moderated by two professional licensed social workers.  There are four rules:  no dating, nothing leaves the room, the room is a safe space and no talking about anyone who is not present.  We have an after meeting dinner group and the same rules hold.  Everyone follows them.  You found a bad group.  There are better groups out there but you will have to work a little to find one.

[MeTony]

Sounds like a horrible place. You should not go back there. People can be so cruel. You are strong telling them off, the ones who mocked the lady coming late.

About the compliment, take it. Stahma Tarr is beautiful.

[Ryuichi13]

Oh wow Julia, how horrible!  It sounds like you went to a social club, NOT a trans support group!  What horrible people! 

Trust me, not every group is like that.  My local group is full of wonderful, encouraging people, and non-trans poople are not allowed, which means safe space for us to be ourselves. 

You need to find a different group altogether!

Ryuichi

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[Artesia]

Like, can I see in the dark? Will I have a seizure if sunlight touches my skin? Can I tolerate cold better than normal people? Do I glow in blacklight? My favorite question which a lot of people have asked me is, since I can't be in sunlight why don't I just use a tanning bed and get tan that way? DUHHH.  LOL!

Sometimes I worry about the education system in our country.

[Natalia]

I used to go to a meeting of trans people here in Brazil, but unfortunately things were not very different here.

I am not albino and I cannot put myself in your place, but I also differed much fom of the other trans people who frequented the group, which made me not be accepted as well.

More than half of the people that attended the meetings were trans men, and they were in a sort of exclusive group of trans men who did not mix much with the rest of the group. They were all funky and not too keen to interact with others out of their club.

The trans women, for the most part, were very poor... they were mostly people who suffered a lot in their lives because of the lack of opportunities. Most of them were black or mixed and had to work as prostitutes on the streets... I could feel their eyes penetrating me as if they were angry with me because I did not share their life story.

At the time I was a shy woman, not yet very advanced in my transition, with the hair still on my shoulders... I was studying at the best university of the country, I was white, I had a car and a family that accepted me... They apparently hated to see someone like me right there in the middle of them ... I was too privileged to be accepted into a group of excluded people.

The exceptions were mostly a few other "privileged" transgender women who were still quite early in their transitions, but they also did not seem especially interested in my friendship. They were still struggling with their families and still living in their "male modes"... I was probably too "advanced" in my transition to be their friends... I don't know.

Two trans women I met at those meetings even invited me out. One of them apparently was more interested in my car than in my friendship... I realized later that she asked me to go out with her a few times, but what she really wanted was a ride.

And the other trans woman I met ... proved to be a viper. Just as the people you reported, this trans woman loved to speak ill of less passable trans women, offending them and doing little of them... she loved to create arguments and offend people on Facebook...

Anyway, after that disappointment I also stopped attending those meetings ... and I got away from the whole brazilian trans community at the same time. I deleted my facebook and all the social networks that I frequented openly as trans. (except here)...

You know what? I am happier alone than in bad company.

[Evolving Beauty]

Many trans don't like mingling with other trans, I have friends like this. Specially the paranoid stealths ones 

[elkie-t]

I remember during my first coming out stage about 10 years ago, support groups were striving and attracted all sorts of tg-people. Meetings I attended, would easily have 20 or more members, both old-timers and new. I guess it changed overtime with meetup and wider acceptance in our society. Those who are more passable and bold moved into new less secluded formats. Who is left (at least in the support group I am talking)? 4 old ladies, liking each other company once a month. I think support groups glory days are in the past though


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[JinnieY]

I feel like even within the trans community, there are a lot of "competition" going on to make themselves feel better (like those bullies who bully others to define their own worth). I think we as a trans community should support and help each other instead of attacking each other. I am sorry to hear that you had such a horrible experience. I have only been to a support group near my area once. I stopped going simply because I was so busy with school, but from my experience I thought it was great to see and talk to someone who share the same background as you.

[josie76]

That is an awful experience for sure. The support group I have attended takes place at the city Pride center. It is guided by a member "facilitator". No licensed counselor. It is a group of mixed ages from 18 to nearly 70. Everyone there is trans fem themselves. No SOs are allowed.

The girls are very supportive of each other. None of that nit picking. Some newer members come dressed in their man clothes. They experience the disphoria but have not decided if transition is fo them. Some come as their only night out dressed as themselves. Some are living full time and have been able to change their names legally. There is a set pattern to the meetings. Some talk a lot about their issues some do not share and just feel better by coming. It's a supportive environment with others contributing suggestions to another's issues of the day.

I wish you could find a group like this one.

[SophiaBleu]

This account is absolutely terrifying and horrible at the same time. This is what has kept me from attending meet ups.

[Paige]

More than half of the people that attended the meetings were trans men, and they were in a sort of exclusive group of trans men who did not mix much with the rest of the group. They were all funky and not too keen to interact with others out of their club.

Hi Natalia,

This happen to me as well when I went to a Transgender support group  at the Sherbourne Health Centre in Toronto.  The trans men were quite cliquey.  I remember one time when we broke up into groups and I went to join their group and they all just stared at me so I switched to another group.  I guess they didn't think I would have anything useful to add to the conversation but they didn't have to make me feel like crap.

This support group had two professional moderators but I definitely felt out of place at times.  The age difference seem to be the other problem.   I often got the feeling that us older trans people were looked down on by the younger crowd.   We weren't as legitimate as them.  As the weeks went by more and more of the older people didn't return.

I wish I had a better experience.  I believe that set me back quite a lot in my transition.

Take care,
Paige

[rmaddy]

Without a doubt, Julia encountered a horrible group, from which she should run like hell.

That said, I sincerely hope that she finds another.  Group support is an essential part of transition--more often than not it is in group that we learn empathy for other trans people, which in turn is how we learn empathy for ourselves.  We also come face to face with transpeople, exactly the same phenomenon that happens every time your spouse, significant other, friends, family or co-workers encounter you.  Seeing this from the other side is crucial for transitioning relationships.

The best group I have found is 80 miles from my home, but I often find it worth it to make the drive.  I've learned a lot from these men and women (about half of my group is transmen--how cool is that!), and I wouldn't be where I am without them.

[Kendra]

Seattle has an excellent support resource - the Ingersoll Gender Center, weekly meetings since 1977 but only useful for people in the local area. 

That's an additional reason Susan's Place is so awesome.  To get here you don't have to deal with traffic jams, bus fare or expensive parking.  For the price of parking two hours in a city we can all pitch in and help keep Susan's available for everyone!

[elkie-t]

I say Julia in particular don't need to seek any trans-support group. People there are usually way too much stressed on issues of coming out (or not) and finding acceptance. She already has those from her family and friends. For any transition-related advice, she can hit Susan's


I mean if she finds a nice support group where she feels at home, that would be wonderful. Yet chances are she would find such a group among other (not trans) people, and probably more likely outside of LGBT community than inside

[KathyLauren]

That is an awful experience for sure. The support group I have attended takes place at the city Pride center. It is guided by a member "facilitator". No licensed counselor. It is a group of mixed ages from 18 to nearly 70. Everyone there is trans fem themselves. No SOs are allowed.

The girls are very supportive of each other. None of that nit picking. Some newer members come dressed in their man clothes. They experience the disphoria but have not decided if transition is fo them. Some come as their only night out dressed as themselves. Some are living full time and have been able to change their names legally. There is a set pattern to the meetings. Some talk a lot about their issues some do not share and just feel better by coming. It's a supportive environment with others contributing suggestions to another's issues of the day.

I wish you could find a group like this one.

That sounds very much like the group I attend.  Ours has a mix of trans men, trans women, and non-binary.  The first Saturday of the month is femme day; the second Saturday is masc day; the third is all trans; and the fourth is all trans plus significant others.  If there is a fifth Saturday, it is non-binary.  (Otherwise, NBs are encouraged to attend the femme or masc sessions as they see fit.)

There is a broad mix of ages, economic levels, educational experience, and transition status.  The member facilitator keeps order, and ensures that the rules are followed.  Aside from the obvious rules of confidentiality, one major rule is that there is no wrong way to be trans, so no bashing what someone else feels is right for them. 

Disciplinary action has only had to be taken once.  Someone was asked to leave for outing another member in public.

There are good groups out there, and it is worthwhile to seek one out.  Where I am at right now, I don't mind skipping out of group meetings, because my need is for social contact rather than support.  But I know that I will need support when it comes time to get serious about GRS, and I will be attending regularly again.

Julia, I hope you are able to find a better group that will meet your needs.

[SerenaOhSerena]

Well I just googled Stahma Tarr and she's gorgeous but he could have said something more than she was an "albino alien", surely he knew that was out of context? This whole story just goes to show you, being trans does not mean we are all good people.

[elkie-t]

Well I just googled Stahma Tarr and she's gorgeous but he could have said something more than she was an "albino alien", surely he knew that was out of context? This whole story just goes to show you, being trans does not mean we are all good people.

I think in general we're worse people than your imaginary good law-abiding neighbors next door. Hiding our deep secrets, loathing in shame, dropping friendships because we want to fit in and not be outed ourselves.

Not totally bad like child molesters, but definitely not above the crowd