Many weeks later am still waiting for a letter saying I have an appointment to see a therapist about my gender issue, I know it's free because of the NHS which in some ways I'm glad but only having one gender therapist when the receptionists said so themselves that Transgender people speaking to them is on the up seems ridiculous, they should have at least 2 therapists in my honest opinion, still I digress months of waiting for the sake of an hour to speak to them feels like it isn't enough time to get your case across when your whole life and experiences would take more than an hour to explain only to be stuck waiting months for another appointment.
The biggest crux in all this is I bet they blame my childhood and my hatred of my father for my gender dysphoria, I have more bad memories than good, I can't knock my mum she worked her backside off to keep money coming in and still had time to cook a tea etc whilst my layabout sperm donor for a father just sat around on benefits and whenever he did get a job lost it months later due to his attitude thinking he knew better than his bosses.
He was abusive physically and mentally to my mum and mentally abused me as well so I didn't come out of my parents divorce exactly as mentally fit as someone in a normal stable family relationship, as a result I have my fathers attitude of disinterest in family with the exception of my mother but everyone else to me is just family in name really which given my uncle disliked the thought of me transitioning means he'll probably disown me anyway so I guess that attitude may come in handy, my mums partner now is heavily against gays and wouldn't even attend his own nieces wedding on account she was marrying another girl, in his words "it made him physically sick at the thought" so god knows how he's going to deal with me transitioning.
I'm 27 and I know it's not so farfetched to transition at my age but every month that passes fills me with doubt, I'm no nearer to losing weight to get a more passing figure nor have I managed to deal with my voice and all I see is a average looking guy in the mirror and the serious doubts I'll ever be passable, I know it's meant to be about being happy in my own body but is it so bad to want to look as convincing as a CIS female as possible but keep having serious stabbing doubts I'd just look awful for it.
My whole school life I was bullied, my working life is dismal as I'm stuck working for Asda (Walmart) and you literally just feel like a number to them and the job leads to nothing better, I know working life usually is like that granted but damn if it depressing, combine that with my gender dysphoria and father issues I thought I left behind 14 years ago when my parents divorced and my financial situation were I'm literally just about earning enough to pay debts I feel my life is just like a boat with a hole sinking more bit by bit as more piles onto me and I am getting tot eh point I can;t deal with it.
As a child I used to play pretend with friends as you do, I'd always pretend to be a girl which no normal boy would, as I got older and met a friend at a University group I attended who turned out to be a drag performer and could see I was definitely Transgendered or something different at least when I dressed up as a female character for a Halloween party the group hosted so he took me back to his flat one time, came down with a skirt on and the rest is history as he opened me up more to admit to myself my situation and I owe him dearly for it more than he'll ever realise, now older I still am no closer to it than when I went to his flat years ago to hang out after that, hell one night we took rubbish out at night granted but I was dressed up quite nicely and being younger and thinner was more convincing as was he and it felt liberating doing it.
Still now I just feel ugly and lost like it's pointless in some ways, I've wasted 27 years on a lie and it feels I may just be stuck like that till I'm an old resentful bitter man, going back to my father I recall one Christmas when I was young he made me eat sprouts, now I hate vegetables and did then to, inevitably I threw up after being forced to eat them and you know how most parents would just let it slide and make sure your okay? His response was get my face cleaned up, present to me Christmas present which was a train set setup he had made on a wooden and said to me your going to smash it up for throwing up because of the vegetables, he was going to make me stand all over over it and trash the damn thing because I got sick and he just watched me crying, my mum stepped in and calmed down the situation but the point is I harbour alot of resentment to my father and my past and suspect the therapist will use this against me and my transitioning.
Maybe they'll say because I had no good male role model or I resented my father that I only want to be a girl because of that, if that's the case that will be the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak, is there really any hope for someone like myself when all I've known is mostly bad things to happen in my life? Even with transitioning I see alot of before and after photos and think to myself I can't be nearly as pretty or convincing as most of them I've seen in turn that depresses me more, I seriously hate my life at the moment and nothing seems to make it better or even remotely hopeful.
