It was the best of times...

[TransAm]

We have a fairly large unfinished basement in our house that we partially converted into a woodworking shop. The week before last, I dragged myself down there and fixed it up to start building my fiancée a makeup vanity from scratch.
While working, I paused and had a 'this is perfect' moment mid-chisel.

Shirtless, sweaty, blasting classic rock, covered in stain and sawdust: Absolute nirvana. Probably the best moment I've had since all the changes took place.

Anyone else had one of those 'I've arrived' occasions?

[Ryuichi13]

Not yet, but I'm hoping that after I have top surgery, it'll happen!

Ryuichi

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[Raell]

Congratulations..sounds good to me.

I'm a non-transitioning partial transmale, so I've always done things like that, but while dressing androgynously and without totally identifying as male.

I crawled under cars to fix them, bought shop tools and built things in the basement, and did extreme bird photography wading in swamps and climbing cliffs, but most of my life I didn't have a clue what I was.
But I also did some female type things as well, such as designing and sewing my own (comfortable, androgynous) clothing, and training my horses for trail riding and driving.

[WolfNightV4X1]

That sounds amazing!

Hm, I have a lot of moments like that. But if we're talking the relief of post-transition specifically, and feeling masculine or male with no hindrance of femininity.

First time was the first time I moved out to be on my own, the first time I went to get clothes in the boys section. In a way it was nostalgic, because I'd always been forced to go with my mom to the girl's section and find the most neautral, least girly clothes, having to sadly glance at the other side. But being able to make my own decision, being on that side finally, after all those times, it was a good moment (ironically, I mean hey clothes shopping, not the manliest moment!)

Just yesterday, I was at work and I was transferred to another store. I met a new guy around my age who was a manager there. We both worked together really well, and not just worked, but actually talked. We talked about Planet of the apes and sci fi shows and videogames. He actually invited me to eat lunch with him on break. We talked about building computers and how he is programming is own game and I told him I like art. So...I guess it's the first time I've got to see eye to eye with another guy...as a guy. Not quite like all those other times where sexual tension and gender roles barred other males from interacting with me like they would any other guy.

[Dan]

I've had a lot of those moments ( all pre-T). 

I love making custom furniture as well and nothing is more enjoyable than handling the tools, being covered in saw dust, and then having a final finished product after many hours of work.

Or, when I'm out there bashing the jungle in my backyard: trimming hedges, cutting tree limbs and maintaining the chain saws, the mower; pulling apart the chain saw for maintenance, oiling the hedge trimmer;  the smell of oil gets me every time.

Or, repairing my old house; fixing window frames; replacing floor boards. It makes me feel capable and independent.

Or, when I'm out hiking through rough terrain or sailing on the open ocean.

Or, when I'm designing and building another robot to test out my newly coded planning and sensing software.

This is when I can be me without constraints.

This won't change after I start passing as male.

What will change is .... hmmm.... how I feel in my body.

I will love the muscles that will finally reflect all my hard work in my gym, rather than the disappointing results after a huge  amount of work that I've experienced so far;

I will love the stubble on my face;

I will love a flat chest that will no longer be in the way of my physical activities;

I will love wearing elegant suits to formal events.

[Dan]

Not yet, but I'm hoping that after I have top surgery, it'll happen!

Ryuichi

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Yep, top surgery will be a major milestone for me too. This is the physical aspect. The mental aspect is pretty much already here most of the time and always has been. I just needed to get my body in alignment with my mental setup. 

[Raell]

WolfNight, I've been very male-minded all my life, played with boys when younger, hung with males as I grew older, despite my body betraying me with curves at puberty.

Since I'm asexual, totally lacking intrinsic responses to male attempts to hit on me, I would simply walk up to clusters of guys as though I were one of them and join the conversation, often taking it over, and being even more aggressive than they were. I wasn't "trying" to copy males or "fit in"-that's just how I was.

After some startled looks, men usually allow me to barge in, and then treat me as one of them, since I can hold my own and then some, in the conversation as we usually have the same interests. No doubt they allow me in out of politeness to a female, and probably limited crudity for my benefit, but I preferred to think they were my actual "pals."

Even now, my best friends are male, even if it's only in my imagination.

[TransAm]

That sounds amazing!

Hm, I have a lot of moments like that. But if we're talking the relief of post-transition specifically, and feeling masculine or male with no hindrance of femininity.

First time was the first time I moved out to be on my own, the first time I went to get clothes in the boys section. In a way it was nostalgic, because I'd always been forced to go with my mom to the girl's section and find the most neautral, least girly clothes, having to sadly glance at the other side. But being able to make my own decision, being on that side finally, after all those times, it was a good moment (ironically, I mean hey clothes shopping, not the manliest moment!)

Just yesterday, I was at work and I was transferred to another store. I met a new guy around my age who was a manager there. We both worked together really well, and not just worked, but actually talked. We talked about Planet of the apes and sci fi shows and videogames. He actually invited me to eat lunch with him on break. We talked about building computers and how he is programming is own game and I told him I like art. So...I guess it's the first time I've got to see eye to eye with another guy...as a guy. Not quite like all those other times where sexual tension and gender roles barred other males from interacting with me like they would any other guy.

Dude, that's one of the best feelings in the world isn't it? I absolutely loathed that undertone of sexual tension that seemed ever-present with most of my male friends from HS even though there was never any indication of interest on my behalf. Also, the clothing thing is awesome and a huge step.

I did all these things pre-everything but they felt hollow. Growing up, we lived way up on top of a mountain and actually had to carve our property out of the forest. My youth was spent chopping wood, climbing trees, swinging from vines, four-wheeling, playing in streams, helping my dad build things and riding my dirt bike.
There's never been an absence of pursuits so much as an absence of feeling that they were my pursuits.

But the other night, I was completely absorbed in the task with no looking down at my hands/arms/body and feeling frustrated or incomplete. No feelings of being disconnected whatsoever.
It was a moment of total alignment between two parts previously assumed to be incapable of joining.

[Kylo]

I hope at some point to feel that way.

I'm not sure I understand the idea that the things I spent time doing were not my things, but everyone is different. The disconnect still exists when dealing with others but in most recreation I like to be alone so perhaps that's part of the problem. Maybe I was steered toward doing most things alone due to the disconnect. It's hard to tell. I've spent a long time thinking there was no disconnect and that there was instead just some 'issue' with me I couldn't figure out. The extent of the disconnect is still being discovered but so far I found it to be greater than I imagined. Who knows how much behavior can be attributed to it.

But if finishing up transition manages to lead to feelings of completeness and a lack of disconnect it'll be worth it in my view. It's already been worth it just to get shut of the generalized feeling of anxiety that until now pervaded everything.

[TransAm]

I hope at some point to feel that way.

I'm not sure I understand the idea that the things I spent time doing were not my things, but everyone is different. The disconnect still exists when dealing with others but in most recreation I like to be alone so perhaps that's part of the problem. Maybe I was steered toward doing most things alone due to the disconnect. It's hard to tell. I've spent a long time thinking there was no disconnect and that there was instead just some 'issue' with me I couldn't figure out. The extent of the disconnect is still being discovered but so far I found it to be greater than I imagined. Who knows how much behavior can be attributed to it.

But if finishing up transition manages to lead to feelings of completeness and a lack of disconnect it'll be worth it in my view. It's already been worth it just to get shut of the generalized feeling of anxiety that until now pervaded everything.

For me, it always very much felt like I was an intruder in someone else's body. Any accomplishments I managed never felt like my own so, eventually, I just started self-sabotaging.
For example: I'm an artist. In ninth grade, I was in AP courses for seniors and preparing portfolios. Some of my work was displayed at the governor's mansion in my state and I was a major part of several art gallery exhibits. My art teacher was always pushing me to go further and assuring me that I could make a very comfortable career off my work.
My favorite part of it all? It was the first time I felt 'visible' in my entire life. I used to go to the gallery exhibits and quietly walk around listening to the commentary people would make on some of my pieces.

"Wow, he's awesome."
"I like this guy's work"

No one had a clue the artist was standing behind them and I never spoke up because, to me, they already saw more of me than anyone else ever had.

Things shifted. I started to realize that I could likely become successful and the last thing in life I wanted was to be labeled a 'female artist'. Everything stopped.
The talent never goes away (barring physical injury to extremities, of course) so I recently began again, but I missed that golden window of youth to work with to get anywhere. A waste, really.

No matter what I ever did before, whether it was building something, lifting weights, hiking, or metalworking, this loud buzz was always in the back of my head screaming, "Your tits are getting in the way. You're curvy. Your hands are too small. You're invisible. Why are you bothering?". Joyless, pointless.

So yeah, the other night when everything aligned? First time.
I never knew how broken I was but now there's nowhere to go but up.

Honestly, I think that same alignment will come to you when you least expect it. You'll just be doing something and everything will click. That's when the full breadth of the rift will come into focus.

[Kylo]

I'm an artist as well. I never went down the route where I'd have to meet people, however. I tend to stay off the grid and sell my work through online venues so as to avoid the "female artist" issue. I used a male pseudonym, etc. A lot of people have worked with me, or I've worked for them, but they have no idea at all about "that".

I do think at some point it may come together quickly. It would be nice to actually meet people as the artist rather than constantly maintaining anonymity. When my voice dropped enough, I found I was happy to Skype with people for the first time in years, so I guess when the rest of the ordeal is done I might actually want to interact with human beings again and might even feel relaxed.