Trans feelings and fetish-type feelings together?

[amandam]

Every single day, almost all day, I want to be a girl. It depresses me. I think my mind is a girl's mind. I prefer the company of women and want to immerse myself in their world. I love everything about women. I don't feel I fit in with men. It seems like I am "acting". I want to remove the hair from my hands with electrolysis, and probably my face too. Many times I wish I had breasts. I've tried herbal hormones before and sometimes want real hormones.

But, then this also exists. I want to be a girl, but not just any girl. I want to be cute. I want to look 100% like a woman. I don't want to ever be seen as trans post-op. I also have a high sex drive and rich fantasy life. I am the woman during any sexual fantasy, or I am a man submissive to women. All the usual famtasies - forced fem, etc.

I would call myself a fetish crossdresser if it wasn't for my feelings in the first paragraph. I even tried masturbating as much as possible to get rid of feeling fem. It only works for a short time, and the feelings come back within an hour or so.

Could all of this be some complicated fetish? I have some trans feelings but those may not be "real" trans feelings, just a continuation of how my brain has sexualized this. Maybe I'm like those who wish to remain "->-bleeped-<-s"? A third gender?

[Michelle_P]

Honestly, from that description, in my lay opinion you sound like a person definitely under the transgender umbrella, very likely on the binary, that is, seeking a transition to a fully female role. 

The sex drive can confuse a person into thinking that it's 'just a fetish', but it really sounds like your seeking sexual release is not WHY you dress, but is incidental to relieving the psychological pressures you feel.  That also strikes me as being more of transgender thing than a fetish.

Your best bet would be to sit down with a therapist and have a conversation about these issues.  A good therapist will help you clarify your thinking on what's going on, and may be able to point you to some useful solutions you might want to investigate.

[Kendra]

When I met with a gender therapist that's the very first question I asked.  Is this a fetish, or is this much more and not just a fetish.  After spending that first hour digging into details the therapist told me: in her opinion, definitely not a fetish.  I am not saying I have your answer as we are all unique, but I did ask exactly the same question. 

Three years before my first therapist meeting I had already completed full laser and electrolysis everywhere (yes, everywhere).  One of my good childhood memories was spending time with the girls down the street.  Although we were in a secluded tree house we didn't play doctor, we were baking cookies with their Easy-Bake oven.  I never tried anyone else's clothes without their knowledge - instead, when I was an early teenager I made my own bikini top & bottom from an old set of jeans and gardening twine.  Several decades thinking I might have a fetish but it was so much more.  It is who I am. 

I agree with Michelle - find a really good therapist, and ask them.  I am glad I did. 

[Raell]

My two childhood transwomen friends were confusing to me, and to themselves, in their way of mixing seemingly fetish with transgender behaviors, such as getting sexually stimulated wearing or touching female underwear, wanting to masturbate while stroking women's clothes, relating exaggerated sexual fantasies, insisting on wearing ultra revealing, sex worker-type clothing with 5-inch spike high heels despite being in their 60s.

I felt embarrassed, but nothing I said persuaded them to dress or behave like ciswomen.

I finally gave up, thinking that things would sort themselves out over the years.

But this forum shows that this sort of over the top sexualized behavior is common even in genuine transwomen.

[KathyLauren]

I agree with Michelle: it sounds to me like you are probably transgender.  It is not uncommon for trans people, before they come out to themselves, to fetishize their feelings. 

When you think about it, it kind of makes sense.  On the one hand, you have these obsessive thoughts about being a woman, because your female brain is calling out to you.  On the other hand, you have all that testosterone in your system, and your male parts are going to do what they do when you think about women.

It would definitely be worthwhile to see a gender therapist to help sort out your feelings.

[NancyBalik]

I am very much attracted to women, and love having what I think of as "lesbian" sex with my wife.  (I don't like to penetrate her because it reminds me of the male anatomy that I have that I don't like.  I always think of myself as a woman when I am in this position with her.  I used to have fantasies about women "forcing" me to dress, but I rarely do now.  I think these have diminished as I have accepted that it is "okay" for me to want to be feminine--I think the wish to be "forced" was a wish for "permission" from women to be "one of them."  I still see "womanhood" as an exclusive club that I do not quite qualify for...if only I had breasts, if only I had..., etc. 

I personally think that the whole category of "fetishistic crossdresser" is rather demeaning and is still the medical community looking for a way to stigmatize those of us who want to dress as and identify as feminine and female.  There are very complicated reasons why some males are so drawn (from an early age) to soft, silky, frilly fabrics.  It goes beyond arousal and sexuality. 

I agree with others who have commented that your description sounds like it fits within the transgender continuum (which doesn't mean certain feminine items don't produce some or more sexual arousal--that is conditioning and the testosterone that you do have.)  Nancy

[elkie-t]

We had a friendly discussion recently on proper female attire during different activities. And I wouldn't mind to explain my position of 'skirts only' for me here. Although some tgirls I've met looked good in jeans, and I wouldn't totally discount them (would I actually transition and stop fitting male jeans), but a skirt helps me to hide lack of bottom, and screams 'female' to anyone (thus giving just one more clue to them how to address me). Modern women tend to wear minimal makeup, pants and basic t-shirts. If I do that, I'll look too much male for my liking. Besides, what's the point of the whole transition if not enjoying unparalleled freedom of skirt?


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[amandam]

I'm in therapy too. I wanted to run my thoughts by you as you've been there done that.

Maybe a suitable course of action is to move myself more femme over time. Lose weight, how do I feel. Electrolysis on hands, how do I feel. Shave my legs, how do I feel. Etc.

edit: Or maybe that's just cowardly.

[Raell]

Elkie-T
I am the one who argued that a skirt is not what ciswomen wear when they go camping and would only attract attention, but in your case you just want to feel femme.

I don't have that problem..I'm perceived as female by men despite wearing baggy androgynous male type clothing at all times, seldom combing my hair, never wearing make up or nail polish, and wearing men's slip on sandals.
Yet straight females consistently read me as male and flirt and giggle around me, often sending me love notes. My guess is that it's my bold male behavior that attracts them, even though I'm essentially asexual. Here in Thailand, almost everyone is mixed gender, and bisexual, so nobody cares.

So just do what makes YOU happy.

[suzannemarie]

so much this. I've only begun realizing that it's more than a sexual fetish thing...I feel elated when I am dressed and get to present myself as femaie..which is now more and more..

[Janes Groove]

Sexual fantasies of being a woman are a natural part of being transgender.  Sexuality is central to a person's physiology and psychology.  If you are a woman living in a man's body you are going to have female fantasies.  That just how your sexuality is going to express itself.  It's a pretty simple equation.

Back when I used to be a dude and had androgen coursing thru my veins I was in a way controlled/imprisoned by it.  Testosterone is a very potent hormone that causes a male to be in a constant state of readiness for a sexual encounter.  It is so because in millions of years of evolution the males who are able to perform 24/7 can pass on their genetic material while those who can't don't. Opportunism plays a huge role in human reproductive activity.  Over millions of years this has caused human males to always have a heightened sense of libidinousness.  The androgen is so strong that it builds up to the point where it requires release and the man must at some point stop what he is doing and submit to it's power.  There is really no fighting it.  I used to be that way back when I was a dude and after release it always left me feeling uneasy and vaguely unsatisfied and like something was off.  It's because I never felt comfortable with a male sexuality.  How could I?

Women on the other hand, have much lower levels of androgen which is the hormone that is central to orgasm.  If you think about it, a woman has no reproductive need to have an orgasm at all.  Many women have many offspring while never, ever even experiencing an orgasm.  This was even more true just a couple of human generations ago.  While the male reproductive aspect is quite the opposite.

[amandam]

I had a dream last night. In my dream, I was seeing myself like looking in a mirror. Except I was a woman after a complete transition. Not bad looking, but not cute either. I was smiling and the smile was genuine. I don't think it was prophetic, but maybe I was telling myself that my fem side is nothing to fear, whether I am trans or not.

[Laurie]

Hi Amanda,

I'm Laurie. All I really want to say is that I could have wrote your post for you as I had lived it. It took me many years to come to the conclusion that I was more than a crossdresser and really a transwoman. Once I did I started transition. It was inevitable.
  You will have to make your own decision whether you are or not of course but what you've said sure sounds like me.

Best wishes,

Hugs,
   Laurie

[amandam]

I'm doing some sessions with a therapist. I asked for two things, one, self-acceptance, and two, where am I on the gender spectrum. I accept that it's not just a fetish. I guess that means I'm transgendered (but not necessarily transsexual).

[amandam]

My therapist asked me if I wanted a vagina. I said no. I said no because I don't want "me" to have a vagina, the masculine me, the person I am now, no, I don't want it. Maybe not even as a female version of me. I didn't explain my answer, only said no.

I chose That Girl as my avatar because I idolized her as a child. Now, if my therapist asked if I wanted to have a vagina and look like Marlo Thomas, heck yeah, I want that.

I had another dream. I was the female version of myself when young, oh, about 18 years old. It seemed like it was what I was supposed to look like if born female.

What do you think?

[KathyLauren]

My therapist asked me if I wanted a vagina. I said no. ...  I didn't explain my answer, only said no.

By not explaining your answer, you made your therapist's work harder.  The explanation is what they are going for, not the specific answer.  An explanation offers the therapist a window into your thought processes.  A simple yes or no shuts down the conversation, and denies them insight that may have helped to clarify your issues.

I would really encourage people to be as open as possible with their therapists.  Elaborate on answers.  If a topic makes you uncomfortable, investigate why and share what you dig up with the therapist.  If you don't know what you think about something, say so, and elaborate on why you have trouble coming up with a clear answer.  All of that is useful for the therapist to understand what is going on for you.

[Kendra]

A week ago at my first HRT appointment I was asked if I am planning to get GRS.  I answered that's the only thing about my transition I am undecided on.  (Sorry did I just call it a thing? )  I told the endocrinologist I know physical and mental changes will occur, so I shouldn't assume my pre-HRT answer to that particular question will remain accurate.

[missmolly]

While I would get aroused from a young age whenever I would crossdress or think about doing so, due to religious upbringing I never masturbated until I was 26 years old(I did it for the first time subconciously in my sleep, nature finds a way).

So masturbating and orgasming was never a motive for dressing up or transitioning for me. I viewed the sexual arousal as simply a side effect. I also have never watched porn. So I am at least one example of someone who does get sexually aroused at the idea, but never used that as the reason. It just comes with the territory.

[HappyMoni]

A week ago at my first HRT appointment I was asked if I am planning to get GRS.  I answered that's the only thing about my transition I am undecided on.  (Sorry did I just call it a thing? )  I told the endocrinologist I know physical and mental changes will occur, so I shouldn't assume my pre-HRT answer to that particular question will remain accurate.

I'm in therapy too. I wanted to run my thoughts by you as you've been there done that.

Maybe a suitable course of action is to move myself more femme over time. Lose weight, how do I feel. Electrolysis on hands, how do I feel. Shave my legs, how do I feel. Etc.

edit: Or maybe that's just cowardly.

Amanda,
   I think this is a smart approach. I went from many of the same thoughts you are having to go forth step by step as you suggest. It is logical not cowardly. One can be fooled by thinking things out in theory. If you actually experience something it will be more real. I went from a mass of doubt to fully transitioning with GCS recently. I watched each and every thing I did and it was right for me, so I went further. Now, I look back and think how tragic it would have been if I had convinced myself this was just a fetish because I had sexual feelings related to it. My current happiness would never have happened. My advice, kick down every door, question every possible misconception, find your right path. Don't let anything stop you, specifically, don't let you stop you from being happy.
Moni

[Drexy/Drex]

Strangely after I came to terms with being being  in the transgender spectrum a lot of fetishism  just melted away