An update... i think ''he'' may be gone

[SailorMars1994]

Hey everyone. Its me, the usural open book. I havent been as active here these days as i have been to busy working, enjoying the sun and in truth getting to know me more. As you guys and gals know sicne April 5th life has been getting better just about each day, my only one bad hiccup has been the night of July 7th and bascially all of July 8th (when i mad emy last topic) except for the few hours at night. Since Sunday the 9th i gotta say, i think i am back to normal. Litterly that sunday i woke up and all that turmoil i felt the day before virtually vanished! since then life has been better, not only that but I dont even feel any amount of doubt, guilt or shame as has tend to come up through time to time I find usurally when i wake up when i look not as feminine as desired. I dont know, i dont feel connected to maleness at all. When i see a photo of me from 2008, which i have i dont connect with whos in the picture. I reconginze that was me at some stage in my lifebut i dont feel like ''him''. I dont know if this is liek a disossiaction but it is great as i feel no dysphoira or early on-set of a panic attack. I dont get panicy then emotinally numb or physically ill. I still feel intact with myself :O!! 

I legit, feel female all day everyday, i look in the mirror and see a young beautiful woman. Now i have elt this before, but seriosuly the doubts and shames have seemed to gone away. Even things that usurally trigger them havent triggered them. Its as though both the doubt and dsyphoira  has almost gone away. I just see me, a happy me at that.

I guess this is progress, especially considering where i was 9 days ago but i am so happy.


Just felt like giving another useless life story , love you all!

[Rachel]

Hello, and it is not a useless life story. I remember reading your posts and how much turmoil you were in then. I m so happy for you.

[RobynTx]

Congratulations, glad to hear you're doing great. Keep it up.

[Laurie]

Hi Ashley,

  We haven't talked in awhile and like you I've been a little busy with my own life. I loved reading your little story and love how you have been adapting to your new self. Those small, medium, and large self doubts can be debilitating. And it sounds as if you are finally finding yourself. You are doing well Ashley, really well. I'm proud of all the progress you've made since I began reading your posts. Good Job Girl!
  I've been having my own moments. As you may have heard I took a little road trip to set foot in Maine. That was my goal and I accomplished it. Little did I know the trip would turn into a search for myself. I think I found myself and the scared insecure little girl that left is not the same as the girl that returned. I'm still trying to get to know myself and am still dressed as I want to dress I have not donned male clothes since June 24th and am not planning to. Well have to see how that works out for me.
  I sent a note to my doctor today regarding prescriptions that had expired and told my doctor that I would probably be meeting him as myself next month and signed it Laurie/Leonard. I got a response back addressed to Laurie. I liked that.

Like you Ashley I am learning to be me every day and I too am liking what I see. Keep it up girl I am right beside you. We'll do it together.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Dan]

Hi Ashley,

That sounds like your psychological state is becoming stronger and more secure in who you are, and that is fantastic news!

There might still be a few small set backs, but don't let those get you down if they do happen. You are who you are and your mind is beginning to accept that more and more.  It is a matter of recalibrating who we've been told who we are since birth to who we really are, and that takes a bit of re-adjusting those knobs and optimising the response that has been there all your life, because many of those knobs have been forcibly twisted in the wrong direction.

You are on your way, well and truly!

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you so much everyone <3. I am so happy i found this site!!

I make this thread not to boast or babble on but to make a point. My mind has shredded the ''male'' so much ''he'' has gone from beast, to chihuahua , to a full blown meltdown that lasted 25 hours, to minimal pain to vitrually non-exsitant. The past few days in particular have been noticable. I find that I am thinking far more clearly about my future and deepest wants. I was litterly so filled with peaceful energy today i went for a couple nice long walks and a good old bike ride around town. These hours felt like endless minutes. I was so entranced with self peace. This may sound cliche but I have never felt this type of peace. I have indeed felt forms of peace before no doubt, but something is changing in my brain. I am less triggered by ''him'' and as a result, gender isnt really on my mind. My focus now has actually been finding some new hobbies I can do, and all while feeling as my true self, the girl!... it has become so natural i think my monkey brian/sub-consious is now taking note and allowing me to be me !!!

I gotta say, the thing is i have been getting better and better, and in the past 3 months have truly embarked on finding out more of my likes and intrests.. but it seems that things legit have sky-rockted for the better afte rmy July 8th breakdown. To the tune that all the good times i had before were good, but not as good.. I guess it was meant to be, as i have, like i said, never been more intuned with that inner girl who had been crying to be let out since childhood

Again, thanks you all. You have all been inspirational <3

[rmaddy]

Identity crises are pretty normal during transition.  For me, the pathway through has been to recognize the anxieties behind each crisis but also to recognize that their weight and urgency is temporary.  Within a fairly short time, I tend to get back on track.

[HappyMoni]

Way to go Ashley. You have found your way.
Moni

[KathyLauren]

I am glad to hear that you are doing so well, Ashley!  I can feel your positive energy.

[LizK]

Great to see you doing so well