Quote from: Maddie86 on October 16, 2017, 12:21:54 PM
I've been kinda sad over the last few days because I'm sensing a disconnect between me and some of my friends. I know they're busy but I have this feeling that they're keeping their distance from me for some reason, or at least one of them is. they'll still text me and chat but anytime I ask about hanging out they make excuses. When I first came out to them they were really supportive and we'd talk about doing all this stuff and having girls nights but that never really happened. We've hung out a few times but every time I was still presenting as male. I'm still early in my transition and I want to have nights where I go out dressed as a woman but it's hard to get them to commit to anything. this transition is going to be a lot lonelier than I expected! it's weird because my male friends who know about me are still down to hang out when they can. and there's a couple guys who I heard suspect that I'm transitioning and I've noticed that they've actually been friendlier towards me! I dunno, maybe i'm overthinking things, but I'm always the one to initiate conversation, it'd just nice if someone would randomly text me and ask how I'm doing.
ok, so the above quote is something I posted 3 weeks ago. I got over it and shrugged it off as me just building stuff up in my head. Unfortunately, I should have listened to myself in the first place. This post is gunna be a little long, sorry.
I'll start with talking about my friday night. my band had a show a couple hours away in Rochester and I was really looking forward to seeing my one friend from there. She's one of my absolute best friends and she knows about my transition, so being able to hang out with her all night would have been a huge relief. I'm in a band with 2 guys and we played a show with 2 other bands that were all male. those bands are also good friends of mine that I've known for a long time but I still felt out of place hanging with them. I don't know if it's the gender thing though, it could also be because they're all big partiers and I don't drink anymore. Well my girlfriend up there had a really rough day at work and she ended up not going, and I felt really bummed about that. I ignored the text she sent to me where she bailed and I felt really bad about doing that, but anything I would have said back to her probably just would have been depressing, so what's the point of making her feel bad if the reason she didn't come to see me in the first place is cuz she was already feeling bad? I was hurt but sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut. I talked with her for a while last night and things are fine now, but it got worse for me on saturday night.
so last week I found out that I was going to have the house to myself this coming friday night, so I messaged the girls from the above quote about having people over. well, my message was seen the night that I sent it but it was ignored until the next day. One of them responded saying she was going to pass. She works out a lot and has a competition coming up and she's usually pretty strict with her diet, so she didn't want to be tempted to drink and eat poorly (I said I was gunna cook for the party). Once she bailed another girl said she couldn't go because she had an event the next day that she had to do some stuff for, and then the other girl said she was free, but she didn't commit to coming over. It seems like every time I ask them to do something I'm either ignored or just kind of shrugged off, there's always an excuse to not see me, but usually empty promises of "we'll do something soon". well saturday night I was scrolling through my instagram to see a pic by one of the girls. the pic was of the fitness girl at the other girl's house drinking wine and being silly. I've practically been begging them for a girls night for months and now they go ahead and do one without me. I was f'ing crushed, it destroyed the rest of the weekend for me and I was even still feeling really depressed about it last night. I ended up deactivating my facebook page too. I was planning on doing that for a while actually but this made me pull the trigger. Why did the fitness girl have to lie to me? she said she didn't wanna come to my place because of her diet and yet there she is a day or two later drinking with her friends. I kinda get it, these girls are best friends and have been for a long time, but over the last 6 or 7 months I was getting a lot closer with them, or at least I thought so, and they know I've been dying to hang out with them. I've always just wanted to be one of the girls but now it's pretty obvious that this group of girls is never going to see me that way, so I'm stepping back. I didn't say anything to them because I know it's a bad idea. If they reach out to me then I'll talk but I'm done trying to make things happen with them. I thought they were more supportive of me but I think I've worn out my welcome, I just wish I knew what I did to make them shut me out
It's weird, they will still talk to me, but when it comes to seeing them in person, whether it's in public or private, it just seems to be off the table.
On a more positive note, I ended up coming out to someone last night, which is the first time since August that I've come out to someone. I actually kinda wanted to tell him for a while now but I didn't know how to bring it up. He lives in Ohio now and i'm in central NY and we don't talk much, but we were talking about music last night through texts and then he just kinda brought it up. he said there was something he's been wanting to ask me but he didn't want me to be offended. He saw my halloween pictures and said that I look happy in them and he asked if I was happier that way, and then I decided to tell him. It went well, he was really happy for me. I didn't tell him this but he was a small part of me deciding to transition. He got sober a few years back, and last winter I was about a month sober and I asked him about thinking differently after being sober for a while, because I was noticing more clarity in my life. He told me there was definitely less brain fog, and then after that I knew I had to confront myself and transition. If these thoughts are still with me after all these years at a time when I'm thinking clearer than ever after trying to repress them then they're here to stay, they're not going anywhere and I need to do something about it! haha sorry, I went on writing longer than I thought I was going to lol, didn't mean to ramble!
one last thing. aside from my breasts finally being sensitive for the last 2 or 3 weeks, I haven't noticed any new changes... until yesterday. Sorry, this is gross, but I um, tried to relieve some stress lol, and I had my first ever dry orgasm. it was really weird. it didn't depress me or anything, I honestly don't know how to feel about it. I never think much about sex anymore, and this was the first time I did it in at least a week or two! Am I officially impotent now?
