Ok, so it's been almost 3 weeks since I've updated! I don't post here as much anymore because I branched out and I'm trying to be more active now in other parts of the board lol. In case anyone missed it, I did post in the coming out section last weekend, I finally told my sister about my transition! she's my first family member I've told!
The reason I came here to post today is because it's the 6 month anniversary of me starting HRT!!! I have a private facebook group for my friends that know about my transition, so I'm just gunna copy and paste a post that I wrote to them:
"Ok so this is going to be a long one! I broke things down into sections though so you can skip over what you don't want to read about. Today is the 6 month anniversary of when I started hormones, so I wanted to reflect on all the changes that have happened to me so far. Also, I'm a few more weeks away from the one year anniversary of when I first started coming out to friends! The first friend I came out to said that I seemed like I was trapped and tortured for such a long time and she was absolutely right. I used to talk a lot in my sleep (sometimes even yell, apparently) and I had a sleepwalking problem too and I think this was the cause of it. Sometimes I used to wake up and I swear I could hear myself yelling at myself! It stopped as soon as I started coming out to people, it's almost like I used to be possessed and coming out was my exorcism. I've noticed a lot of great changes so far and I'm so excited for more! Basically by starting hormone replacement therapy I'm putting my body through puberty again, but this time a female one. Hormones take time to work their magic, I guess it's typically 3 to 4 years for the changes to reach their full effect, so I have a long road ahead of me, but thankfully I'm lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life for support <3
Mental- So over the last year I've been trying to be more positive in general. I used to be mean at times and I hate that about my former self and I'm so glad that I left it behind. I see now that "offensive humor" is just really dumb and that it hurts people. I think I used to keep my emotions guarded because I was afraid to let my true self show, but once I finally started coming out to people it was just so enlightening and I could finally act how I wanted and everything came pouring out. I guess I was always conflicted, there was definitely a nice side of me with high morals but sometimes I kept bad company and I lost sight of that, but ultimately I can only blame myself for my actions and I'm taking full responsibility and I'm moving forward. I have no problems letting my emotions show anymore. The hormones have definitely made me more emotional, which I'm happy about but I'm still trying to get a full grasp on. I'm making progress though, it's been months since I cried over a pretty cloud lol. For a while I was smiling a lot more, but lately I've been a bit more sad and sometimes I just feel like crying for no real reason. I think it might be seasonal, I really miss being able to go to the park and jog, I've always been pretty sentimental but I've been more so lately. Personality wise I do act a bit more femme depending on who I'm around, it's weird. When I'm at work I don't really have any male fails, but my female personality comes out a lot more around my friends. I've noticed I seem to talk to myself more now. Not like full conversations, but when I'm alone I'll just randomly blurt things out. To be honest, I don't feel super feminine all the time, and I'm kinda bummed about that, but I definitely don't feel like a male either, I guess I just feel sort of in between right now, but I'm hoping that once I'm presenting as female full time I will have more mental changes along with it. I used to have some real anger issues and I hated that about myself, I almost feel like I inherited it from my dad but also I think it might just be a typical male thing, I don't know, all I know is that I hate getting worked up and mad, especially because it makes me feel like my dad. Instead of getting angry I usually get sad now, but my mom has a way of pushing my buttons sometimes and I yell at her and then I feel absolutely terrible about it. I really hate when this happens, it's one of the bigger reasons why I need to get out on my own, my sister told me that my relationship with my mom will get better once I move out, we'll see.
Social- Obviously I've been hanging with the girls a lot more, and I love it! I always have such a good time being around women, it's a lot more fun and easy going! Guys can be very mean, even if it's in jest, at times I had to be very defensive and I'd act hostile towards some of my guy friends, but that's another thing that's in the past now. I'm still down to hang out with my male friends, but I never really get invited out or anything. I'd rather hang out one on one than go out for a "guys night", Dave still hangs out with me one on one and he's pretty much the only male who still does. I think others would too but no one seems to have time to do stuff like that anymore, part of getting older I guess. I know I have a lot of amazing friends and I'm well loved but there's still a lot of times where I feel super lonely and down on myself and I feel like no one likes me, I definitely have some self esteem issues I need to work on. Also, I'm doing a bad job at hiding my transition. At this point none of my friends that I haven't told yet are going to be surprised when I come out. I know there's a lot of whispering going on behind my back, some people have talked to me about it and set me up in a good situation to tell them about me, but a lot of others don't talk to me personally, they ask my friends about it and that kind of bothers me a little because it puts my friends in awkward situations where they have to cover for me, and if that's happened to you then I'm truly sorry about that. Another small thing I've noticed is that a lot of my old male friends don't like my posts on fb and ig as much anymore, even if I'm not posting anything where I'm acting too girly haha.
Voice- this is one of the biggest things I need to work on. I feel like my vocal mannerisms can be girly at times, but the tone/pitch of my voice is nowhere near the female range, and I've had some very difficult times recording vocals for my band because it really triggers my dysphoria. I know there's a trans woman in Ithaca who gives voice lessons but right now I don't really have the time or money to set up an appointment. I think I can look into youtube lessons but it will be easier to practice talking to myself when I have my own apartment.
Skin- This was one of the first things I noticed changing! My skin started to look a lot healthier after just 10 days! Guys have pretty greasy skin and mine is a lot dryer now, I don't moisturize as often as I should, I really need to get in the habit of it. My skin used to be very blotchy, I usually lay on my bed with my left hand on my cheek while looking at my computer and you could see marks on my face from it but it doesn't get like that anymore. I have allergies and my skin gets itchy and breaks out at times, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. It's been bad lately but I think it's because I haven't been eating well, I've been letting my diet slip and I need to get back on track. My skin is definitely softer now but I still have a ways to go until it gets super soft, but I think I'll get there eventually.
Hair- So when I'm not using any products my hair is definitely dryer and less greasy than it used to be. I used to have to wear hats all the time but I stopped that months ago, I can almost always brush it out to a point where it doesn't look gross anymore. It's definitely softer now and it does get tangled a lot but I don't get nearly as many split ends as I used to. I haven't noticed any increase in length, I've been growing it since 2011 so I think it's as long as it's going to get. After a couple of months I stopped losing hair, I used to lose a decent amount in the shower but now it's only a few hairs! My hair is a lot thinner on top and my doctor said I've definitely had some hair loss but I think it does look a little fuller now, but there's some spots on my head that still really bum me out. I think my facial hair grows a little slower now and it's maybe a pinch thinner, but unfortunately hormones don't really change it that much, I have to do electrolysis for up to 3 years or so to fully get rid of my beard. I'm seeing more progress though than I thought I would by now, my electrolygist seems to have done most work on my cheeks so far and it definitely looks thinner there. she did some spots on my chin that look thinner too and she started my mustache last time and I can already tell it's looking thinner. As for my body hair, I was always very hairy and in some spots it was pretty dark and it always grossed me out, but thankfully it's starting to thin out. It's still a little thicker than I'd like but hopefully it will get thinner over time, and it's lighter in color than it used to be and it takes longer to grow back. I had a hard time figuring out if it was Nair or the hormones but I think it's the hormones, but I do really like Nair for hair removal, it works well for me, my skin is pretty sensitive to razors so I try to avoid them but there's still some spots I need to use them on.
Taste- So the testosterone blocker I'm on really makes me crave salt! Soups and corn chips and hot sauce are my weaknesses. I constantly crave mexican food now, like almost every day. Luckily I found some enchilada soup that's 180 calories per can and I found some frozen chicken and veggie mexican bowls that are under 300 calories. I know it'd be better to make it fresh myself but at this time of year it's hard for me, I'd rather cook outside and I'm back to work so I settle for quick and easy now. I still can't do raw tomatoes or mushrooms, but I can eat more veggies than I used to! I used to be disgusted by pickles but now they don't freak me out! I can eat em now!
Weight- so my weight loss has slowed considerably, I lost 33lbs in the last 6 months (25 really since I gained some back), but it's hard to tell if it's from the hormones or not. a month into HRT I plateaued at 208lbs for 3 weeks, and at one point I gained a couple pounds back, but after a while I started losing again but much slower. at the same time, I started a much slower paced job back in september for 2 months, and over the last month I've been stuck inside so I don't exercise as much, and if I do exercise it's a mild workout. I still have a good 20 to 30lbs more that I want to lose.
Strength- So I always heard that estrogen will make you lose muscle mass. So far I don't think that's happened to me, I can still lift heavy things but I think it's had an effect on my energy. I seem to move a bit slower now, I've noticed that my running technique has changed, I take much smaller steps where as before I had bigger leaps, and it's totally unintentional. The testosterone blocker I'm on is actually a medication used for high blood pressure, so I'm wondering if that's the culrit behind my lower energy.
Chest- I've always had a bigger chest due to my weight, but I actually do have female breast development now. It started to hurt constantly back in early november and that's when I developed breast buds, they started small, they were lumps behind the nipple that were harder than the fat on the rest of me, I could feel a spot on my stomach and then feel my chest and it definitely had a different feel to it, and now those buds have spread and I think cover all of my breasts now. There's still a lot of sensation in my chest, it's pretty sensitive, it hurts if I get a tight hug or if I randomly bump something into it, and the other day they were really hurting because of the cold, and I think I still have a few more years of this, ouch!! I can't run without a sports bra now!
Shape- So even though I lost a lot of weight my chest is still noticeable, I think the hormones stopped it from shrinking as much as my gut did. My shape is hard to gauge with all the weight loss, I know hormones are supposed to give you hips and a butt but that's also genetic, or so I've heard. I don't think I'm going to be getting hips, but it'd be nice to balance out my broad shoulders. I haven't noticed any butt changes either. Both my therapist and my doctor have told me before that I have a pretty feminine face, I think I do look cuter and even a little younger. I can actually look in the mirror and see a girl inside of me now, and I feel like that's only going to get better with time, so I'm happy about that! I definitely see a new glow in my face when I look in the mirror
Male stuff- I won't get too in depth about this, I don't wanna talk about it and I'm sure no one wants to read about it. At this point I think I'm sterile, my last blood test said my testosterone is very low now, which I'm happy about! I have almost no sex drive and I'm actually happier that way, I feel like I have better control over my body and it's nice not to be easily distracted by dirty thoughts! Over the holidays I spent some time with an old crush that I never get to see and it was honestly one of the better times I've ever had hanging out with her, and I think it's because of the hormones! I guess I'll mention it here that my body scent has changed too, I'm not as smelly anymore after intense physical activity. I always use deodorant but I use a weaker one because of my allergies and sometimes I had to freshen up in the afternoon, but it's been a long time now since I've smelled any typical male body odor on me!
Alright, that's all I can think of for now, thanks for reading! If anyone has any questions let me know!"
I hope this helps anyone who's curious as to the changes made around the 6 month mark!
