HRT observations

[Megan.]

Full meltdown with my therapist this evening. I've been utterly overwhelmed by my emotions. I was raised and my family are very cold and rational. All the control and the whole persona I've built over decades is falling away. I am genuinely grieving and having to let go of the person I was.
This sounds negative,  but it isn't. It is terrifying and scary,  but also wonderful and so much more than I ever imagined. The physical changes from HRT do not and never will compare to this.
In time I expect I will learn to live with,  process and integrate these feelings,  creating a new and more authentic me; but right now,  life is very bumpy.
I shall follow my therapists advice to take one day at a time,  and allow myself to feel and work through all these new feelings. X

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[Charlotte F]

That sounds like an amazing session Megan.  I'm sorry it's been so hard for you lately - it's incredible the emotional baggage we seem to pick up from our families and the ones we love.  My family was the same, I've always found it very difficult to express emotion or open up

It really does sound like you've made some massive strides forward though in accepting & embracing your new self and letting go of the past

[Megan.]

Tnx hun,  I'm certainly a work in progress atm!

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[Charlotte F]

I wouldn't put yourself down - you could be back at square one with me!!!

I guess this is what transition is about.  The whole of your life you've been conditioned to act and think in a certain way.  Then in just a few months you try and almost unforget all of that and learn a whole new way of doing things, presenting yourself and interacting with the world.  All of this whilst trying to embrace a side of you that's been hidden away for so long that even you don't really know exactly what or who that is

There's going to be some bumps along the way but you know in a few months you'll be looking back from a much better place

[Anne Blake]

Tough place to be Megan. I, like you (possibly, sorry to assume), have always been a rational analytic and had pride in always being in control. HRT showed me that this was no longer the case. While it has been a wild and emotional ride I have found a place that still maintains my rational analytic nature and skills but has blended them with an empathetic wholeness that I find so much more rewarding and desirable. It has allowed me to include meaningful relationships rather than cold lonerism. It is messier and a rather bumpy ride getting to this place but oh so worth the trials. Good luck along the ride, Anne

[Megan.]

Tough place to be Megan. I, like you (possibly, sorry to assume), have always been a rational analytic and had pride in always being in control. HRT showed me that this was no longer the case. While it has been a wild and emotional ride I have found a place that still maintains my rational analytic nature and skills but has blended them with an empathetic wholeness that I find so much more rewarding and desirable. It has allowed me to include meaningful relationships rather than cold lonerism. It is messier and a rather bumpy ride getting to this place but oh so worth the trials. Good luck along the ride, Anne

Anne,  thank you, It sounds like we are very alike. I hope I make it through to the same place and don't burn up on re-entry! X

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[Megan.]

Quick update: Those following this thread will know that a week ago I had a scare when I had blood in my ejaculate (haematospermia). I have just got my blood tests back,  and everything looks fine. With this reassurance,  I tried the ol' equipment again,  this time,  just a small amount of clear produce,  so hopefully just a one-off scare. This has had me very worried the last week (despite feeling otherwise healthy), so I'm very relieved!

As I was having bloods taken,  I had them add E and T levels too,  they were 237pmol (E) and 0.3nmol (T). The bloods were taken only 5 hours after my last dose,  so that E reading maybe falsely high to some extent,  but things look good overall.

I will add a discovery,  when running my equipment check,  I found I was able to achieve both my 'female' type orgasm,  which was as epic as before,  and also a separate 'male' orgasm which was only mild and diffuse. I'm am very happy with this overall.

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[Bari Jo]

Good ending?  I hope it was nothing...

[Megan.]

Good ending?  I hope it was nothing...

Or a 'happy ending' [emoji6]. As a few others have commented here and elsewhere about the haematospermia, it may well be a result of the HRT shutting down certain functions, I'll probably never know.
If anyone else encounters this,  always see your doctor!

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[KayXo]

they were 237pmol (E) and 0.3nmol (T). The bloods were taken only 5 hours after my last dose,  so that E reading maybe falsely high to some extent

E at 237 pmol/L equals about 65 pg/ml which is a low value in the typical female range, from 20 pg/ml to up to 700+ pg/ml. Your testosterone is also very low, at around the equivalent of 9 ng/dl. Although levels fluctuate, if your E and T levels hover around these levels 24/7, it might explain your increased emotionality. I personally wouldn't feel good at such low levels of E and T.  You are close to being menopausal.

With time and being post-op now 12 yrs, I realize a minimum amount of T and some E is necessary to feel and look good.

[Megan.]

E at 237 pmol/L equals about 65 pg/ml which is a low value in the typical female range, from 20 pg/ml to up to 700+ pg/ml. Your testosterone is also very low, at around the equivalent of 9 ng/dl. Although levels fluctuate, if your E and T levels hover around these levels 24/7, it might explain your increased emotionality. I personally wouldn't feel good at such low levels of E and T.  You are close to being menopausal.

With time and being post-op now 12 yrs, I realize a minimum amount of T and some E is necessary to feel and look good.

KayXo,  you're right in that my E is still low. NHS targets are that it should be in the 300-400 pmol range. NHS protocol is to ramp up slowly. I was on a lower dose for the first three months, this was doubled about 2 weeks ago. In another 10 weeks they'll check my bloods again,  and will increase again if needed to get me into range. I am getting continued breast development,  and I'm happy with the pace so far [emoji5].
I'm on GNRH blockers,  so that's kinda on or off!

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[Megan.]

Quick update: 14 weeks on HRT.  Nipple sensitivity has increased; certainly a mild pain rather than vague discomfort when light pressure is applied.
Emotionally feeling slightly better since earlier in the week, mostly because I took 2 days leave from work,  and hid under my duvet to get some mental space around things.

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[Laurie]

Hi Megan,

  I am glad to read you are feeling a little bit better. I hope you are back to your normal chipper self soon as it sucks when you're down. Also glad to see your chest is starting to be a pain for you. Signs of happier times to come. Keep making progress back to normal.

[Megan.]

Hi Megan,

  I am glad to read you are feeling a little bit better. I hope you are back to your normal chipper self soon as it sucks when you're down. Also glad to see your chest is starting to be a pain for you. Signs of happier times to come. Keep making progress back to normal.

I'm not down; heavily shaken but still positive. I'll never be back to my 'old' self, and I'm comming slowly to terms with that,  kind of grieving to some extent,  but not in a negative way.

It'll take time,  but accepting and integrating my new emotional self into parts of my old self,  and also loosing other parts is going to be key to my journey.

I'll admit to being genuinely terrified of what lies ahead.  My therapist was kind enough to remind me of the challenges I have taken on and overcome in the last three years,  this is just the next. [emoji4]

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[Laurie]

okay scratch the down part. I can still can be glad that you can embrace change.

[Megan.]

okay scratch the down part. I can still can be glad that you can embrace change.

Thanks Laurie,  and maybe I was down,  I'm not even sure which way is up right now. Like a Katherine wheel with sparkles out my bum! [emoji23]

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[Bari Jo]

I'm not down; heavily shaken but still positive. I'll never be back to my 'old' self, and I'm comming slowly to terms with that,  kind of grieving to some extent,  but not in a negative way.

It'll take time,  but accepting and integrating my new emotional self into parts of my old self,  and also loosing other parts is going to be key to my journey.

I'll admit to being genuinely terrified of what lies ahead.  My therapist was kind enough to remind me of the challenges I have taken on and overcome in the last three years,  this is just the next. [emoji4]

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Thanks for this post, and explanation of how you feel and what lies ahead.  It makes me understand more of what's going on with me too.

Hugs.

Bari Jo

[Megan.]

Quick update: I have been feeling far more my usual happy self the last two days. The ramp up from my E dose increase really hit me emotionally, but I feel I'm back in balance again. Thank you for all the support of the last couple of weeks [emoji5].
Physical changes are gradual,  so it's hard to know what's real or imagined,  but I do think my thighs are carrying a bit more fat,  and my waist position may be moving higher in where clothing seems to sit,  all subtle though.

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[Megan.]

Hair regrowth...
This topic has been done to death, so I'll save another thread!
I'm over 3 months into HRT,  and I have a decent number of hairs towards my hairline that I think are new. They are fine and colourless, but most are a good inch long,  so more than any velus hair; and the length would correlate with the start of HRT. I've maintained my dose of Finasteride even after starting HRT,  and also use Minoxidil.


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[RobynTx]

Congrats on the new hair growth.  I've been only taking Minoxidil with my HRT neds and have noticed some darker hair growth on top of my head.  Glad you are getting some good results.  See? Something good is happening after last week.