Started HRT 3 days ago, already beginning to have 2nd thoughts. [29, MTF]

[missmolly]

Like many of you, 3 days ago I started HRT and took my first step toward achieving my lifelong dream of becoming a woman.

However 3 days into it I am already having some 2nd thoughts.

The thought of transitioning and becoming the woman I have always viewed myself of excites me. That is not something I am doubting. There is no doubt in my mind I want to become the woman I feel I always have been. Living life as a woman full time, there is nothing I want more.

What is giving me hesitation is what I am giving up to accomplish that dream. The best analogy I can use is its as if I am on Lets Make a Deal and I can either take the good sum of money now, or risking it to take the prize behind Door #3. My male life is the money, my potential female life is Door #3.

I have a good male life. I have never been suicidal or anything. I think a lot of other men in this world would gladly trade places with me. Growing up I was a gifted athlete and got to play sports at a major college. I have always been in great shape and attractive for a man and have had no issues getting female attention. I have a good career making decent money and have rose the ladder in my field quickly, I am one of the best in the country at what I do. I have a loving family and a good social life. In other words I have nothing to complain about and a lot to be thankful for. So is my dream of becoming a woman worth risking all that for?

I don't know. My whole life, I wanted to be a woman. I've experienced body dysphoria and emotional distress like the rest of you starting at a young age. It was always easy to say I wanted to transition, but actually doing it is something else. Now that I have started doing so, its real, its no longer a fantasy.

Do I want to become a woman? Yes.

Do I want to live my life as a woman? No doubt about it.

Is it worth giving up what I already have? That is where I am struggling.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Unfortunately that is a question that only you can answer. Many of us have retained our past allowing us to have the best of both worlds. I still had my profession and family after I transitioned. The world has become a far more accepting place than it was when I transitioned so you have a far better shot at it than I do.

There are people on the site who feel it isn't worth the risk. Some completely forgo HRT while others are on HRT but use some of the same methods the FTM use to hide their body changes. You have a month to two months to think about it and if you have a therapist, you should discuss this in your next session. While HRT will cause body changes, it far easer to deal with them than the changes caused by testosterone.

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[HoneyStrums]

That is fear talking.
Your worried, about loosing things.
If you loose you job, you have the skills to get a new one.
Any friends you loose were never true friends.

[lilcuddlymouse]

HRT is not required to be who you think you should be. If you are having second thoughts because of what you think you might lose if you transition, are those things you might lose worth it if HRT is the only way for you to be truly happy with yourself. On the other hand there are transgender people who have never taken hormones and dress or act how they feel they should to become happy with themselves instead. Unfortunately nobody can speak for you and tell you what is best for you. I am 31 and just now starting hormones and I feel it was the right thing for me. I am also in the military and will quite likely lose my job as a result of it, but no job is worth being afraid to be the real you. Most of my younger life was a mix of confusion and focusing on anything but my identity but at the same time I felt I never belonged. I was automatically accepted as a boy, but I mostly just played along with it and would have been happier with my sister's friends and playing the games they played. I even often played with dolls and dressup with my sister but as I got older that became more awkward so I eventually stopped and repressed that part of myself. By the time I went to college, I was struggling with depression and anxiety pretty bad and barely graduated as a result. I joined the military after not being able to find a job using my degree because it was around that same time that nobody was able to find jobs but I was lucky enough to make it into the military and my goal was to save up enough money to transition. When the "don't ask, don't tell" policy was repealed and the military became more open to the LGBT community I was still forced to bide my time to either save enough money to get out or to be able to transition while in the military. Last year that finally became possible and after a year of therapy and jumping through hoops to prove my diagnosis of gender dysphoria I am finally on hormones as Thursday but the current administration is trying to make sure that doesn't happen. I was very upset the day Trump tweeted his anti-transgender policy but I've come to terms with the fact that I may lose my job but I will be happier as myself finally. That is just me though and nobody can tell you what you should do. It might be a good idea to talk it over with a therapist though and look at what you might lose if you transition and how that will affect your life. You might find that transition is just not right for you, but you should think on whether that is because of fears or actual reasons to not transition.

[KathyLauren]

Dear Molly

Welcome to Susan's.

Congratulations on starting HRT!  Having doubts is normal.  We all do.

Is it worth giving up what you already have?  Only you can answer that.  But you cannot answer that question by itself.  The other half of the question is, is keeping what you have worth living with that unmet want/need for the rest of your life?  Because, dysphoria has a way of never going away. 

That ache to be a woman will always be with you.  Some people are able to live with it, and more power to them.  We have members here in that position, and I hope they will chime in with their perspective.

In my case, when I thought ahead to the (maybe) 20 or 30 years I might have left in this world, and how it would feel to live with that ache for the rest of my life, I thought I could probably do it but what a tragedy it would be.  That was the point where I realized that clinging to the male life I had at that point was not something I wanted to do.

And, as Dena said, you might not have to give it all up.  My lovely wife is sticking by my side through my transition, and is my biggest supporter.

I wish you luck in making your choice.

[missmolly]

Thanks for the replies everyone so far.

I want to clarify a bit.

I am not worried at all about losing my job or ruining my career. I work in an industry that thankfully would be more accepting of me. There would probably be some initial awkwardness when I would first go full time, but I would have support. So that is not something I am worried about losing.

Same with my family. While my family is conservative and religious, they are not the mouth breather types, they would not disown me, and eventually I know all of them would come around and support me. They love me too much. There would be no doubt a transition period though, where they would probably go through the 5 stages of grief, but I know they would all come around. If and when I come out to them, I don't see jumping for joy or immediate acceptance, but I don't see long term negatives either. The only thing that worries me is my sister and her husband recently had a kid, and how excited they are to have me involved in his life, and how much they would want me involved once they learned I was trans.

I am not worried about losing any friends. They will be fine. I'm not married and am single right now, and have no kids. So no need to worry about that.

So if I am not worried about losing my job, family, friends, or anything like that, what am I worried about? I guess I am worried about losing me. I am a really sentimental person. I like to go back and look at all my photo albums and pics of myself from the past. I get kind of sad, almost like I will be "killing" my male self. You read a lot in trans communities about how many hate their male selves. I don't.

At the same time - each time I think about my life as a woman once I fully transition and go full time - I smile from ear to ear. It's like a kid waiting for Christmas morning, only longer. I experience this jekyll and hyde of emotions - when I think about my female possibilities, its euphoria. When I think about my male self going away, its sadness.

Because, dysphoria has a way of never going away. 

I want to expand on this. For the longest time I would always repress my feelings and desire to be a woman and try to hide it with shame and guilt. I would try to compensate for it by being ultra masculine(i.e. lifting a lot of weights and trying to bulk up with muscle) but it felt so fake and never worked. It was therapists that were able to help me accept it and stop being shamed about it. The decision to start HRT was mine. I figured the desire and urge to become a woman is never going away, and the thought of living the rest of my life having to battle those desires and urges just doesn't sound fun to me.

[lilcuddlymouse]

While I'm not a doctor or therapist, you sound like you just don't fit into a binary gender at all. Maybe you don't need a full transition to be happy? Maybe you would be happier as gender fluid? Go for a more androgynous look instead of all or nothing? Gender identity is way too complicated to just say, "Take these pills and you'll feel better." It really sounds like you need to find a therapist with experience of non-binary gender identities.

[missmolly]

While I'm not a doctor or therapist, you sound like you just don't fit into a binary gender at all. Maybe you don't need a full transition to be happy? Maybe you would be happier as gender fluid? Go for a more androgynous look instead of all or nothing? Gender identity is way too complicated to just say, "Take these pills and you'll feel better." It really sounds like you need to find a therapist with experience of non-binary gender identities.

I know for sure this isn't the case. I am 100% binary - I do not buy into the whole non binary, androgynous, gender fluid idea (for me). I want to be one or the other. If I am going to be male, I want to be male and do male things. If I am going to be female, I want to be female and do female things. With the difference being, I have tried the male path the last 29 years. I did manly things like play sports. Up until taking HRT, I was a major gym rat trying to bulk up and add muscle, thinking doing so would stop my desires to be female(it didn't, it just made them stronger). I actually hated the fact I was adding pounds and muscle, because it was ruining my potential female body, yet I pushed forward anyway because I was trying to kill my female desires.

[KathyLauren]

I guess I am worried about losing me. I am a really sentimental person. I like to go back and look at all my photo albums and pics of myself from the past. I get kind of sad, almost like I will be "killing" my male self. You read a lot in trans communities about how many hate their male selves. I don't.

I never hated my male persona, and I still don't.  I like the guy.  He had a tough job to do (protecting me) and he did it well.  Too well, one could say - he could have retired earlier - but I have a lot of respect for him.  He took care of the body that he left to me, and he passed on some valuable skills, knowledge and values.  And, finally, when the writing was on the wall that his job was done, he retired gracefully.

I didn't kill him.  He lives on in me, literally.  Everything that made him who he was (minus a few parts once I have my surgery) will remain with me.  While he is less vocal these days about expressing his opinions, I can still consult with him any time I choose.

It turned out to be a very good deal for both of us.

[Sophia Sage]

So if I am not worried about losing my job, family, friends, or anything like that, what am I worried about? I guess I am worried about losing me. I am a really sentimental person. I like to go back and look at all my photo albums and pics of myself from the past. I get kind of sad, almost like I will be "killing" my male self. You read a lot in trans communities about how many hate their male selves. I don't.

At the same time - each time I think about my life as a woman once I fully transition and go full time - I smile from ear to ear. It's like a kid waiting for Christmas morning, only longer. I experience this jekyll and hyde of emotions - when I think about my female possibilities, its euphoria. When I think about my male self going away, its sadness.

I want to expand on this. For the longest time I would always repress my feelings and desire to be a woman and try to hide it with shame and guilt. I would try to compensate for it by being ultra masculine(i.e. lifting a lot of weights and trying to bulk up with muscle) but it felt so fake and never worked. It was therapists that were able to help me accept it and stop being shamed about it. The decision to start HRT was mine. I figured the desire and urge to become a woman is never going away, and the thought of living the rest of my life having to battle those desires and urges just doesn't sound fun to me.

It's okay to be sad.  All depends on how it's gone up to now.

I mean, yeah, if you're really going to go all the way, then yes, the persona you previously constructed and inhabited is going to have to die.  Hopefully it will be a beautiful act of self-sacrifice, and not a fight to the bitter end.  If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will.

Something dies so that something else may come alive.  Death and rebirth.

The caterpillar eats and eats, shedding its skin over and over again as it grows, and grows, and grows.  Death and rebirth, but only a prelude, the shape of things to come.  For then it spins a cocoon, and inside it the caterpillar dissolves... only to reform itself into something completely new.  Death and rebirth.  She fight its way out, dries her wings in the sun, and then flies off to enjoy the rest of her life, a dappled moth with a particular appreciation for flame. 

Death and rebirth. 

[lilcuddlymouse]

Personally, I see my male self as a mask I've been forced to adopt to survive. Over the years though, I've learned  to recognize that most of what we consider "male" and "female" is purely cultural. Being strong, or sensitive doesn't have to be gender specific. Even clothes are fairly cultural. In Europe many males wear underwear that Americans would consider to be feminine. Some cultures even have a third gender that has been accepted for centuries. Ancient China actually had male and female geisha though the word for them was different. I don't think you are losing your male self, you are just accepting a side of you that you have denied. The only reason I'm on HRT is so people will stop assuming I'm a man so if it were not for cultural norms I would not even be doing it.

[missmolly]

I never hated my male persona, and I still don't.  I like the guy.  He had a tough job to do (protecting me) and he did it well.  Too well, one could say - he could have retired earlier - but I have a lot of respect for him.  He took care of the body that he left to me, and he passed on some valuable skills, knowledge and values.  And, finally, when the writing was on the wall that his job was done, he retired gracefully.

I didn't kill him.  He lives on in me, literally.  Everything that made him who he was (minus a few parts once I have my surgery) will remain with me.  While he is less vocal these days about expressing his opinions, I can still consult with him any time I choose.

It turned out to be a very good deal for both of us.

This is pretty much what my therapists were saying. WHO I am isn't going to change. WHAT I am is what will change but I can still be the same person if I choose to be, only with a different exterior.

I am still relatively young and a rising star in what I do. I have so much unexplored potential ahead of me. Which is another thing that gives me hesitation. Can I still maximize my potential after having transitioned? I guess if I were older and was in the twilight of my career, it would be an easier decision.

I just took my 2nd half dose of estrogen for the day and its in my mouth right now, so for at least another day I am still on the HRT train. I went ahead and looked at my photo albums again, only this time mentally replacing my face as one of a woman's. It sure would be fun to create new memories with a new face. The one deciding factor right now is that living day in day out with my brain telling me I should be female and wanting to be female just sounds like an endless boxing match that I can't win, all I can do is run out the clock. Or I could just submit and enjoy life without that distraction and stress.

[Dena]

The only people who kill off the past are the ones who want to kill off the past. I still do many of the things I might have done before the transition. I still can program computers, we run rental property so I do electrical, locks and other assorted repairs. For the most part I have stopped working on my car because of the tools it requires but not because a loss of skill. RLE will give you plenty of time to determine if anything in your life will change in a way you don't want it to. Remember that you can say no anytime you feel the sacrifice is to great.

[missmolly]

Thanks Dena. Of course just being on horomones for 3 days isn't enough for RLE, especially because my plan if I go through with it is to not go full time until I am completely ready(laser, hair, voice, HRT) , which would be well out, perhaps a year or more.

My (very limited) RLE via full crossdressing was always positive though. I was not afraid to venture out in public and only had one bad experience out of the 2 dozen or so times I went out dressed in public. I had far more good experiences than bad. It always felt "right". And the reason I would quit crossdressing was because I hated the feeling I would get when it would end, I'd have to take everything off and go back to male mode. I got frustrated and discouraged I was spending so much time and money shopping, planning outfits, practicing makeup, tweezing eyebrows, shaving, dieting for a slimmer figure, and such just so I could dress up once or twice a week. I wanted it to be 7 days a week and that just wasn't feasible so I figured I would be better off not doing it at all. But my quitting crossdressing had nothing to do with shame or not enjoying it.

Another reason crossdressing was not helpful to my situation was because I would make a lot of progress but then would hit a wall. I felt like I took myself as far as I could go without taking the next step. While I was satisfied with the way I looked at the same time I was discouraged because I knew I had hit my glass ceiling and could not go further.

[stephaniec]

I experimented with HRT to see if that was the problem

[Janes Groove]

Ask yourself this question (it's not really a question that needs to be answered but rather, like a Zen Koan it is meant to provoke meditation on the subject):


Would you rather live for 20 years as a man, or 2 weeks as a woman?

[AnonyMs]

These things have a way of getting worse over time. Give it another 10 or 20 years and you'll probably find yourself desperate to transition, only you'll have so much more invested in your current life. Wife, children etc. There's so many stories of that here, and regrets about not transitioning earlier.

Even without all that, you only get to live once. Do you want to live a life of being yourself, or just pretending.

[MissKairi]

I'm the same.
I have no complaints about my male life yet my mind still insists I am female.
I'm happy looking male so changing everything about how I look (and let's be honest you are SUPPOSED to ACT female) is a crazy thing.

[Lexira]

Hey, your post really hits the feels with me.

There's a verse from a song:

My love, don't waste away
For the things you can't get back
You've lost so much
But you're still here to feel my touch
My love, I know you know
Loss makes room for us to grow
And won't you please remind me
When I'm the one in pain

Right now, I am terrified. I'm terrified that I'll do this thing. I'm terrified that I won't. I'm terrified of the kind of loss it will entail. I'm terrified I'm wrong, and vice-versa. I'm terrified it won't work, that it can't, and that when it doesn't I'll be in a place worse than the one I am now and with far, far less support. I'm terrified of becoming someone who thinks and talks about nothing else.

I am terrified that there may be nothing to gain. That everything I could possibly receive is already here and all I'll have left at the end is a flawed version of a beautiful imperfection.

And yet...

Every loss I've suffered, every single one, has been a seed in the garden of my heart; I care for them, and in turn they've given me growth.

So this is what I think: no matter which direction you choose to go, there will be a seed there waiting for you. Each path offers a different flower and a different loss, but both are exquisite and neither could exist without your presence. It may be that these flowers are what take you from rising star to scorching sun, and it may be that they are like an ivy that chokes out your garden and your inspiration with it. None of us can know, and I won't do you the disservice of pretending otherwise, or that there is really any kind of correct answer in a situation like yours.

You wouldn't be here on this forum if you didn't spend most days with an ache in your heart. Where does it come from? Why is it there? Why is it so overwhelming? Sometimes, I think we can only truly know a thing once we've lost it, and I think this might also apply to questions. I know for myself that nothing in life hurts more than an unanswered question. And yet, I feel all of them eventually lead to just one:

When I am experiencing a moment, and in that moment I realize that it is my last, how will I feel about the choices I've made?

So now I'm asking you: In your heart, which path will you wish you had taken more? Once you know, no matter what that is, follow it. And I'll do the same.

[Wednesday]

Is it worth giving up what I already have? That is where I am struggling.

Well if you get any new valid conclusion without getting new input/experience... whether the answer to your question is yes or not, it may not longer mind, you would have transcended humanity by that time lol lol

Naw, seriously. There's no answer until you dig your toes more, sorry to say that but I'm afraid there's no shortcut (I wish I had).

Anyway, the same you said applies the other way round. There's *always* tradeoffs. No thing comes for free.

Also, you may be actually trying to figure out your future too many more steps ahead that you can afford. I mean, things change everyday. I don't know how are your prospects today for any of your choices, but I can assure they're gonna change many times from now on.

It can be pretty much fun accepting that life just works in a way you'd never really know with total guaranteed where the next step would lead you.