Telling A Girl I'm Trans

[NewSmoke15]

So I found out that a coworker has an interest in me. We were flirting over text last night and she brought up the topic of sex. I'm a virgin, but I think she's had hetero sex. I'm FTM trans, but considering that I barely know this girl, she has no idea. (I'm not out at work, so I still present aa female though I do dress and kind of act masculine.)

She brought up the topic of "lesbian sex" which honestly made me cringe. I couldn't imagine that. I'm not okay with having sex as a "female" you know what I mean? If I had transitioned, or been born cis, I wouldnt be a virgin still lol. But I'm scared to tell her that I'm trans in fear that it will change her opinion of me.

A friend of mine said I should wait until we get more serious to tell her. So that she's more invested in me and less likely to break it off. But I dont want things to get too far without her knowing. What should I do?

[Sonja]

Honesty.
Because any other choice is a lie, not just about your situation but about who you actually are.
To leave it longer means she will be invested in a different person and not the person you happen to be.  Honesty is the foundation of a relationship, how well you know your partner to be honest with you is how strong you rate your relationship to be. My wife and I celebrated our 20 year anniversary being together last week, and yes she knows I'm trans.

It may sound harsh and direct but this will serve you well in the long term, I promise.

I wish you well,

Sonja.

[NewSmoke15]

Honesty.
Because any other choice is a lie, not just about your situation but about who you actually are.
To leave it longer means she will be invested in a different person and not the person you happen to be.  Honesty is the foundation of a relationship, how well you know your partner to be honest with you is how strong you rate your relationship to be. My wife and I celebrated our 20 year anniversary being together last week, and yes she knows I'm trans.

It may sound harsh and direct but this will serve you well in the long term, I promise.

I wish you well,

Sonja.

Thank you. This has been a very stressful situation for me. I dont want to risk losing someone that I dont even have yet.

[Alice (nym)]

If you are looking for something serious then you need to say before it gets serious. I told my wife after the first week of dating. She was only the 2nd person I ever came out to, the previous was a penpal I had for 10 years but after I revealed myself to her she stopped writing. My wife was initially great about it, that's one of the main reasons I chose to marry her.
Relationships are based on honesty and if you start with hiding who you are then it is going to collapse and that is going to be as hard on you as it is on her. It is difficult coming out to people... really really difficult... but if you care about someone, then you've got to be brave from the start. It shows them that you care enough about them to be honest with them and to share something extremely private with them. Sometimes that in itself is enough to tip the balance of scales in your favour.

Good luck.

[Devlyn]

So I found out that a coworker has an interest in me. We were flirting over text last night and she brought up the topic of sex. I'm a virgin, but I think she's had hetero sex. I'm FTM trans, but considering that I barely know this girl, she has no idea. (I'm not out at work, so I still present aa female though I do dress and kind of act masculine.)

She brought up the topic of "lesbian sex" which honestly made me cringe. I couldn't imagine that. I'm not okay with having sex as a "female" you know what I mean? If I had transitioned, or been born cis, I wouldnt be a virgin still lol. But I'm scared to tell her that I'm trans in fear that it will change her opinion of me.

A friend of mine said I should wait until we get more serious to tell her. So that she's more invested in me and less likely to break it off. But I dont want things to get too far without her knowing. What should I do?

To the casual observer, that comes across as butch lesbian. People see with their eyes, they can't look into your thoughts. If you want someone to know what you're thinking and feeling, you have to tell them. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[miyann]

I feel like before you say anything to her, you might want to be sure she doesn't out you to your co-workers. If you're not worried about the possibility of being outed, then you should tell her or at least gauge her reaction to trans people.

[itsApril]

So I found out that a coworker has an interest in me. We were flirting over text last night and she brought up the topic of sex. I'm a virgin, but I think she's had hetero sex. . . . (I'm not out at work, so I still present as female though I do dress and kind of act masculine.)

She brought up the topic of "lesbian sex" which honestly made me cringe. I couldn't imagine that. I'm not okay with having sex as a "female" you know what I mean? . . .

First off: this girl seems friendly and interested in you.  So, to keep things in perspective, you may have a problem here, but it's a problem that most of the folks on this site WISH they were dealing with!

You think she has had hetero sex, but she's "flirting" with you even though she probably sees you as a butch woman?  This raises a range of intriguing possibilities.

Best case scenario: She may be open-minded and sexually/romantically adventurous.  If so, that's kind of a nice combination!  It could be that she considers herself mostly straight, but she senses a male/masculine identity in you and finds herself attracted, despite assuming that you are female.  In this case, bringing up the idea of "lesbian sex" could be her way of conveying her interest, given the way she understands things (i.e., she doesn't know you are trans).  That's a good thing, not a bad thing!  That shows some real possibilities here!

Worst case scenario: She might just be a curiosity-seeker who's trying to figure you out and is probing for information without any real romantic or sexual interest.  That would be a waste of your time, at best.

You'll never know if you don't give it a try!  I guess if I was in your position, I would move forward SLOWLY.  Get to know her better.  Put your sexual interest on the back burner for a while.  Don't blurt out that you're trans, but don't conceal it either.  If she asks, be open about it.  Try her out as a friend to see if she has prospects as a lover.

[NewSmoke15]

First off: this girl seems friendly and interested in you.  So, to keep things in perspective, you may have a problem here, but it's a problem that most of the folks on this site WISH they were dealing with!

You think she has had hetero sex, but she's "flirting" with you even though she probably sees you as a butch woman?  This raises a range of intriguing possibilities.

Best case scenario: She may be open-minded and sexually/romantically adventurous.  If so, that's kind of a nice combination!  It could be that she considers herself mostly straight, but she senses a male/masculine identity in you and finds herself attracted, despite assuming that you are female.  In this case, bringing up the idea of "lesbian sex" could be her way of conveying her interest, given the way she understands things (i.e., she doesn't know you are trans).  That's a good thing, not a bad thing!  That shows some real possibilities here!

Worst case scenario: She might just be a curiosity-seeker who's trying to figure you out and is probing for information without any real romantic or sexual interest.  That would be a waste of your time, at best.

You'll never know if you don't give it a try!  I guess if I was in your position, I would move forward SLOWLY.  Get to know her better.  Put your sexual interest on the back burner for a while.  Don't blurt out that you're trans, but don't conceal it either.  If she asks, be open about it.  Try her out as a friend to see if she has prospects as a lover.

Thank you! These responses have really been helping to ease my mind a bit. I think I'll do what you mentioned. Just not talk about sex or anything for a while. We arent officially together yet, so we dont have a real reason to talk about it anyway lol.

But yeah, if she asks or if she mentions "lesbian sex" again, then I'm going to tell her.

I want people to know that I'm trans, but I have a ton of anxiety and self doubt (not about being trans, but about how people may react), so only 4 very close people to me know so far. But damn do I want everyone to know so I can move on with my life in the desired direction.

[NewSmoke15]

I told her and everything went great!

[DustKitten]

Yay! Bisexual people are cool with us as often as not, in my experience. I'm glad it worked out for you!

[SonadoraXVX]

Congrats

I say diversity is the spice of life.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

[itsApril]

I told her and everything went great!

One of the most satisfying things in life is to take a risk and then find out your decision was RIGHT!  Who knows where this might lead?  Enjoy the trip . . .