I swear, it is like two steps forward one step back with me. Still dealing with the fluctuations, this is like an endless loop. The problem for now, is that I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to ensure my loved ones are happy, because when I see them hurting I suffer significantly. But, I want to be happy as well. I can't have both though, someone is going to get emotionally hurt and I always default to putting that burden on myself.
I want to be a woman, but at this rate it feels like it will never happen. It doesn't even make sense to me, why this is so important? It is not sexual, it is not fashion, it is just a constant feeling that I am supposed to be a woman that never entirely goes away, and the pull gets strong every few months.
I feel I know exactly how this is going to play out, right now I am the early stage of this wave it is only going to get stronger, I won't fight it if anything I will likely embrace it, I will start making plans to see a therapist, but get cold feet. I know once I have a therapist, to talk to, it is likely a sure thing. I'll tell them how absolutely guilty I feel, they will likely help me through those feelings of guilt. The problem is, knowing that is enough for me to stop looking for a therapist. . Eventually I will see it as impossible, I'll look in the mirror get really depressed, feel really guilty about almost hurting family, but still hold on to hope that one day I build up enough courage to progress further.
Perhaps this wave will be my lucky one though, who knows? Perhaps for once I'll put myself before my family on this one issue. Perhaps I will actually see a therapist, take hormones, and see where that leads me. I do know that with the past few waves, I have taken ever so little steps. Acceptance of myself being one, telling my wife being another. It is just such a long process, it is almost inevitable that transition will occur. I am almost certain after my parents have passed away, there is going to be less holding me back. Not that I am looking forward to such an event of them being gone, I dread it.
The feelings of guilt I get, are really hard to deal with at times. I'm not going to do anything rash, but it really is hard, it hurts a lot, and I am tired of going through this over and over again.
Anyway, just more of my hopeless ramblings. I'll keep it to this one thread. I do hope, that my own experiences help others. My advice to anyone, is don't follow the same steps I have, I'm 43 now and have been feeling this way since a child. I suggest you see a therapist, and don't be a coward like I am being.
I hope, that years do not pass with me posting the same thing over and over again. I hope one day I actually take care of this guilt complex of mine, but even considering taking care of it, makes me feel guilty.. I swear, I'm hopeless at times. Thanks for reading.
