Hey y'all. As many of you saw last week i had another down episode i feared i wouldnt have bounced back from. i was in a state of unrest and a bit of panic from July 20th-27th. It wasnt fun. However, something else is happening..
I think my mind is now actually in a state I want it to be. Since Friday not only have i shed this feeling of doubt, neagtitivey, shame and doubt. But I notice i dont feel like any kind of male it would seem. Like, i feel disconnected from the male world. Each day since Friday I have actually felt my femininity increase. Today I saw a counsellor, and she has noticed new things. Today,as i said i didnt feel male or doubtful, or even dysphoirc about certian things. I just felt like i wanted to feel my whole life, as Ashley. My counsellor told me that when i lose any self sbatage feelings, and can feel purely female i even look better. She picked up that my mannerisms are now actually female. From how I talk, to how i brush my hair away from my eyes, to the wordings i use in speech. The make up and things. The small things added up.
I had no idea that i was already giving off a natural feminine vibe. Those mannerisms, i didnt even notice. I didnt think about it like this, but that is all natural to me. That is all that i do. Whereas i have been worried, paranoid even about any percieved male mannerism slipping out i totally neglecting realizing the female things that were already out. The odd thing? these mannerisms that she talks about, i never ever patterned them off anohter female.. they just came to me as i started to bloom more as a woman. As if they came out overly naturally yet under appreicated. But after realizing them, i connected to them. And i swear to god I am unsure what lit up the room. The lights or my smile. I connected to those feelings and didnt just brush them off as not good enough or it is just whatever. I apprecited them!
My friends haved noted even on my worst days as living as a female, i am still doing better then on the ''best'' days when i lived male.
I havent felt ''him'' (the obsessional disgust of and feeling dysphorically connected to masculinity) in near a week. Consequently this has been the best 5 days ever, and quite the stretch when you factor in I am addicted to worry somehow. But even my other worries that i tend to have that are not remotley gender related have not flared up either. I am quite at peace and content with life. Again I ask, how does this happen.
July 2017, when you cancel out 8 days together has been the best month, probably in my whole life. And all things considered, August is off to a very good start, then againt it is only the 2nd.
Either or, I just want to say this. All my friends keep telling me, and i am begining to fully see it, that each day that goes by i look happier and more content with life. Its also funny, the more female I feel, look and become and allow myself to have her, me!! the less i obsess over gender. I mean yes, i get more excited an focused about planning GRS within the next couple years... but my mind isnt obsessed about it. It becomes a goal, and many other things open up that take my focus too. Its like i saw tunnel vision, no i see the garden. This could be a calm before the storm, but i really have felt things in July, and especially the past week in which i dont feel anything about ''him''. I just feel me.
Just wanted to say this.. and lets hope this stays!! I love these moments.
