The Burden of TG

[karenk1959]

I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear

[Denise]

Karen,

I know how you feel.  We are so busy trying "to be' that we don't realize "we are."

(Not sure if the analogy fits but...)
Consider the alcoholic who sobers up.  They consider themselves alcoholics forever but it is a constant struggle for some and they don't realize they are sober.


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[elkie-t]

A doctor asks a patient - do you still suffer from your erotic nightmares? Patient: you know doc, I learned to find some pleasure in them!

What did I want to say? GD can be seen as a burden or a blessing, you may find that embracing it changes your views on this world (and people around you). You can embrace it instead of suffering


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[gv2002]

Great way to say! Be the best you can! Forgive yourself, forgive those that don't understand the war that you fight! First you have to forgive yourself next be the person you truly are! Some people have a bitter heart! Forgive them! Life is a roller coaster! We only recognize it when we crest and go down screaming! Life is a ride, after forgiving kick back and enjoy the ride! Deal with the emergency's face on remembering to treat others like you would want to be treated! Time and patience is the healer! Those that can't forgive are doing it at their own emotional and health!
Live healthy and happy!


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[bobbisue]

    Being TG is both a curse and a blessing the curse is the dysphoria and the crap we have to put up with from society The blessing is the unique perspective we gain into the differences between genders with the pain comes empathy and compassion with acceptance comes the ability to love ones self this is a true and rare blessing

   bobbisue

[Devlyn]

I embrace the blessing of being this way. I've never been happier and stronger in my life. I wouldn't go back for anything.

Hugs, Devlyn

[ainsley]

I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear

Ok, I completely understand what you are saying.  My experience was the same.  However, after transitioning, I cannot say it is still my experience.  I really don't think about how nice it is to do all things feminine (I do on occasion, but not most of the time) now.  My anatomy is aligned now, so I don't think about that anymore.  My marriage remains, and is even better after transition - almost 27 years now.  I have lost a couple siblings in the transition, but, hey: "Bye, Felicia!".  So, my point is that is is a burden now, but the more you do to address it, the lighter it becomes, and eventually (hopefully for you and everyone) it becomes the new normal and you can just live life!

[Janes Groove]

I don't think of it as a burden at all.  I think of it as a blessing and I thank Goddess in her infinite wisdom for making me the way I am.

I don't really identify  with people who say they would rather be born a cisgender female.  If I were, I never would have known the struggle, the final acceptance that my spirit is female, as I believe it always was and always will be, the utter joy of the moment when I cast off my chains and began living fully as a TG woman.  I am also intimately familiar with what life is like being a man.  This is knowledge and experience that, while I would probably have gladly traded in as a teenager if I had been given the choice, is now a part of the tapestry of my life that I am able to find unity with.   The magic of HRT, the metamorphosis, the rightness of the social role of being and living as a woman. The completion of a lifelong spirit quest.  It's about getting up in the morning and getting out of bed in the morning with the body you want.  About feeling comfortable living in your own skin.  Shall I continue? I certainly can.  Transition isn't about being stuck. It's about getting unstuck, getting out of your way and moving forward.

Onward we go!
(that's not my tag phrase BTW, but it certainly works with this reply)

[Raell]

Although, in my case, being a nonbinary partial transmale, of mixed gender, can be awkward, and makes maintaining long term romantic relationships challenging, I wouldn't want to be any other way. I like being both genders and being able to see both sides.

More parts of my brain are activated. Studies show that most high IQ creative people are androgynous.

The Complexity of the Creative Personality http://blogs.psychcentral.com/creative-mind/2011/02/the-complexity-of-the-creative-personality/#.WYnxh1H_LUM.twitter

[Gertrude]

A doctor asks a patient - do you still suffer from your erotic nightmares? Patient: you know doc, I learned to find some pleasure in them!

What did I want to say? GD can be seen as a burden or a blessing, you may find that embracing it changes your views on this world (and people around you). You can embrace it instead of suffering


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How does one embrace it, particularly when we live in. Society that rejects us? Cis folks are socially reinforced, staying within our community just makes the closet bigger.


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[TransAm]

I used to think being trans was absolutely horrible. Immediately after waking up, my brain would just scream 'nope' and every day started out miserably. Everything--going out with friends, going to the store, taking a shower, looking in a mirror, going to the gym--was an enormous task that required all of my mental energy to endure.

The first thing I took care of were the sweater calves. They're grazing on a farm in the great beyond now.
HRT followed shortly thereafter and pretty much took care of the remainder of my dysphoria, though there's still a lingering bit of an issue with my nether regions.

Before everything, I would heavily focus on being as manly as possible and seethe with jealousy over any male I saw. There wasn't a single day that passed where I didn't focus on my gender or being trans to the point of being obsessive.

Am I still trans? Yep, but it's not something I think about really ever until I'm here on the forums.
Did I lose some people? Yes and no. They're still here but I know they feel differently about me now.
Do I spend any time thinking about my gender now? Hardly at all.

My path and what I chose to do isn't a cure-all and it certainly wouldn't work for everyone. But something out there is going to work for you. Something out there is going to be the closest thing to a solution as possible that will bring you peace and put gags on the demons.
Don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone and try new things. Everything in life carries a set of risks; you have to be willing to accept some of those risks to make progress.

[Janes Groove]

How does one embrace it, particularly when we live in. Society that rejects us? Cis folks are socially reinforced, staying within our community just makes the closet bigger.

I've heard this argument before, but I believe it is based on a false premise.  Yes there are cisgender people who reject us but in my experience there are just as many who accept us.  The only way to gauge it is to actually go out and live it. Outside the closet.  A lot of minorities deal with this and have done so for time immemorial.  And one thing they all have in common is they derive profound support from those of their/our kind.

[KathyLauren]

I've heard this argument before, but I believe it is based on a false premise.  Yes there are cisgender people who reject us but in my experience there are just as many who accept us.  The only way to gauge it is to actually go out and live it. Outside the closet. 

I have found that cis folks, for the most part, either accept us or tolerate us.  True, there are some parts of the world I would not go to because it is not the same there, but the situation is much better than I initially feared.

I am out and proud.  I go through life as a woman and I enjoy every minute of it.  I don't pass on close inspection (especially not when preparing for electrolysis!) or when I open my mouth, but people don't mind.  I pass well enough from a distance not to attract unwanted attention.

I find that being transgender has liberated me from my self-imposed prison.  Sure I would rather be a cis woman, but that is not going to happen in this lifetime.  I am way better off being a trans woman than I ever was pretending to be a cis man.

[ds1987]

I don't think of it as a burden at all.  I think of it as a blessing and I thank Goddess in her infinite wisdom for making me the way I am.

I don't really identify  with people who say they would rather be born a cisgender female.  If I were, I never would have known the struggle, the final acceptance that my spirit is female, as I believe it always was and always will be, the utter joy of the moment when I cast off my chains and began living fully as a TG woman.  I am also intimately familiar with what life is like being a man.  This is knowledge and experience that, while I would probably have gladly traded in as a teenager if I had been given the choice, is now a part of the tapestry of my life that I am able to find unity with.   The magic of HRT, the metamorphosis, the rightness of the social role of being and living as a woman. The completion of a lifelong spirit quest.  It's about getting up in the morning and getting out of bed in the morning with the body you want.  About feeling comfortable living in your own skin.  Shall I continue? I certainly can.  Transition isn't about being stuck. It's about getting unstuck, getting out of your way and moving forward.

Onward we go!
(that's not my tag phrase BTW, but it certainly works with this reply)

This! All of this.  Right now, I am feeling a physical puberty of becoming a woman, like a teenage girl.  And all the angst and worry and anger and tears are what teenage girls are like.  Anyone who grew up with sisters can remember at least a version of this.  It's so crazy to be feeling what my sister felt, in my own way.

But then, I'm also a 30 year old male-bodied individual with a mind that has developed as a boy.  My intellect, my understanding, worldview, would never been so inclusive and explorative if I had only been one from the beginning.  There is such a value in stepping into the light after so much darkness, but not everything about me was dark.  I'm shifting into my right self, and taking all of my good qualities with me to create a new version of self.  This is invaluable, and I will cherish it always.

As to Karen's OP, I will tell you that are you incorrect in thinking that women "don't think about it."  Having been (or tried to be) a gay guy for several years, I've been very close to girls, straight and gay, feminist, poly, etc etc.  They will all tell you that they think about this CONSTANTLY.  They judge each other without trying, then feel guilty about it.  They bring their kids to school in shorts and a t shirt and get glares from the glam moms with their high end yoga pants.  They spend thousands of dollars over lifetimes on makeup and bras and shoes and hairstyles and so much else to try and fit into even a modicum of a box that they have been told they need to be since before puberty.

Now they have confidence, but not always.  I am learning a new and gorgeous confidence I never came close to even in my finest moments as a boy.  I leave the house in crooked glasses, unshaven face if I have hair removal the next day, whatever level of makeup I choose on a given day...but not one moment do I feel less female.  Because now that I've claimed it, I own it. 

I get glares and weirdness from people, but IDGAF.  I am me and I love me, so they can be weird all they want.  Cus they're missing out like I did for so many years.  Easier said than done?  Absolutely.  Possible?  For sure.  Worth it?  More than almost anything you will ever know.

Much love,
Aria

[Gertrude]

I've heard this argument before, but I believe it is based on a false premise.  Yes there are cisgender people who reject us but in my experience there are just as many who accept us.  The only way to gauge it is to actually go out and live it. Outside the closet.  A lot of minorities deal with this and have done so for time immemorial.  And one thing they all have in common is they derive profound support from those of their/our kind.

False premise? Depends on where you live. The US isn't monolithic culturally. If I lived in Greenwich village I'd have a different experience than Dallas Texas or Provo Utah. That said, as a whole society, trans people don't have the acceptance or respect that gays or lesbians have, yet. With the way things are going, it could be 5-15 years before we do. There will always be pockets of antediluvian types though. I've been told that if more of us came out, the quicker it will be. Someone has to do it.


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[Ludovic]

And I hate my woman body so much, cant wait to get rid of it! so dont think all of us are happy about that body

[jentay1367]

We tend to focus on how others perceive us and what a burden it is to have to live and move about in their world. After all, many of them have deemed us as freaks and since people have a tendency to lean towards a mob mentality, we accept the patterns of their revulsion, disgust and hatred as valid. It's been said "eat feces, a trillion flies can't be wrong". Yet in fact, a trillion flies are wrong and feces probably tastes like crap. Those trillion flies are very wrong. So are the small minded haters that prod us into defining ourselves in a multitude of negative ways.   
     Black people were forced to go through this self loathing period. Gay people as well. At some point, the actualized human accepts responsibility for their own feelings and ceases to define themselves via mob rule. You must decide to learn to dance to the beat of your own drummer. You must share your very valuable life with those that are worthy and cast out the ones that have proven they don't deserve to know you. Just as any other person of any race, creed or persuasion does anywhere else. The spiral of self loathing will do you no good. Exposing yourself to the light of day will. If you choose to define yourself through the eyes of a Wife, child, employer or friend and opt to appease their ignorance, you'll be forced to live with that decision. But if you unshackle yourself and learn to love yourself, you'll be free to to live a whole new life in a whole new world and taste the sweetness of people that love you, for you.
      Living a lie creates a surly stifled angry depressed person that attracts others like themselves. Freeing yourself to live your truth brings you to enlightenment and positivity that attract new good, caring and kind people. But....first....you....must...accept...yourself. You must kill that trans-phobe that lives within you. Once you do that, you'll no longer ask yourself about why you must tolerate "the burden of being TG". The whole precept won't even occur to you.
          Peace to all of us.

[GrayKat]

I think about that. They just go about their lives without a second thought. It must be nice

[ds1987]

We tend to focus on how others perceive us and what a burden it is to have to live and move about in their world. After all, many of them have deemed us as freaks and since people have a tendency to lean towards a mob mentality, we accept the patterns of their revulsion, disgust and hatred as valid. It's been said "eat feces, a trillion flies can't be wrong". Yet in fact, a trillion flies are wrong and feces probably tastes like crap. Those trillion flies are very wrong. So are the small minded haters that prod us into defining ourselves in a multitude of negative ways.   
     Black people were forced to go through this self loathing period. Gay people as well. At some point, the actualized human accepts responsibility for their own feelings and ceases to define themselves via mob rule. You must decide to learn to dance to the beat of your own drummer. You must share your very valuable life with those that are worthy and cast out the ones that have proven they don't deserve to know you. Just as any other person of any race, creed or persuasion does anywhere else. The spiral of self loathing will do you no good. Exposing yourself to the light of day will. If you choose to define yourself through the eyes of a Wife, child, employer or friend and opt to appease their ignorance, you'll be forced to live with that decision. But if you unshackle yourself and learn to love yourself, you'll be free to to live a whole new life in a whole new world and taste the sweetness of people that love you, for you.
      Living a lie creates a surly stifled angry depressed person that attracts others like themselves. Freeing yourself to live your truth brings you to enlightenment and positivity that attract new good, caring and kind people. But....first....you....must...accept...yourself. You must kill that trans-phobe that lives within you. Once you do that, you'll no longer ask yourself about why you must tolerate "the burden of being TG". The whole precept won't even occur to you.
          Peace to all of us.

This...is gorgeous.  Thank you for sharing, really.

I have been talking about this with a trans friend of mine.  We are not the only community to go through the "must be nice to be..." cycles.  If all peoples who have been denigrated or told they have to conform a certain way, women wouldn't still have abortions and wear pants and...vote!  Gay people would have stopped getting married.  Black people would still use their own fountains.  Just because you were unaware of what other communities and peoples have gone through, doesn't mean it didn't happen.  We're not alone here. 

And yes, accepting oneself is the biggest feat.  And also the most rewarding.  It sometimes seems as though people are looking for that perfect moment when things all click, but it isn't going to work that way.  We can't keep searching for Oprah's Aha moment.  Learning to love yourself negates the need to hold onto pain, and makes you more and more impervious to hatred and bigotry.  Because those things aren't going to go away.  But that shouldn't make anyone feel any less about themselves.

[ds1987]

False premise? Depends on where you live. The US isn't monolithic culturally. If I lived in Greenwich village I'd have a different experience than Dallas Texas or Provo Utah. That said, as a whole society, trans people don't have the acceptance or respect that gays or lesbians have, yet. With the way things are going, it could be 5-15 years before we do. There will always be pockets of antediluvian types though. I've been told that if more of us came out, the quicker it will be. Someone has to do it.


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I'm not sure where you got the idea that gay people are respected on a widespread basis that excludes the trans community.  Before my transition, I spent several years as a gay man.  I grew up in and still live in Massachusetts.  MA, where gay marriage was legal first so everyone must be cool with it, right?  Absolutely not.  When I was with my ex, we had things thrown at us in Boston.  At one point, I was sitting outside on my break at work and someone driving by yelled out "Hey F****t!" 

I came out as transitioning on my Facebook in January.  I've had family and friends, Christians and atheists, people in NE and people in the deep south, voice their support both on my page and in private conversations.  Some are confused.  Some are scared.  But they haven't stopped loving and supporting me.  I'm not saying everyone has this privilege, because I do know they do not. 

Lastly, Greenwich Village may seem like a worthy place for trans people, but there are just as many gay transphobes as straight.