WOW where to start. I have been on a few forums trying to find a place I like to hang out in. This site seems to come up a lot during my Google searches so figured I join and see what it is actually like to belong here.
About me, not really hard to guess or figure out as my story is most likely the same as many on here. I have always known I wasn't supposed to be a little boy but growing up in the 70's/80's wasn't the best for information about transgender people. All I had access to was the tabloids and a few books the library had on the subject, well and some really scary porn type magazines. Add to that parents that were a little against anyone that wasn't straight.
I tried all the "manly" sports like rugby, football, hockey, etc...even enlisted in the reserves as Military Police during the college years. Didn't help though just made everything worse.
After college in the early 90's I met the woman of my dreams who I thought would make all those feelings go away and be the man/husband she wanted and dreamed of. It seemed to work. I did tell her about liking to "dress-up" as they say which she wasn't too happy about but figured as long as I did it when she wouldn't see it, all was good. Kids came into the picture and life too off way to fast. There was no time for "me" to do my thing, so I fell into a routine of work, take care of the family, play with the kids and gained over 150+ pounds of fat. Hey I figured the bigger I was, the less I'd want to be a woman or hoped I would die early from a heart attack or stroke.
Early 40's hit and I couldn't take it so I wrote my wife a long letter telling her everything from the beginning. She read it while I played baseball with an old-timers league I joined a few years previous. The return letter wasn't the best but at the same time it wasn't what I played in my head. I still had a roof over my head and a family to come home to. I did find a doctor to talk with and almost started HRT a few months (more like 6-8 months...) later. One night we had a long talk and I figured I would try again to save my marriage and family.
It lasted a few years but it was always there. Talking with the doctor helped but it was always there, waiting, teasing, you get the idea. I was just about to come out again and start the whole routine to transition from male to female when my worst nightmare happened.
Our oldest child, our first born, the one I asked God on the day he was born NOT to make him like his dad. I begged Him to save this child from the pain I had gone through for the last 30 years (I was 30 when he was born...) decided on his 18th year on this planet that he wanted to be a she. WTF? Why? I begged and prayed for him to not be like me. So my wife and I did what we thought was best, we got him (now her...) the help she needed. She isn't the quickest child when it comes to noticing stuff like "how come dad got me appointments with doctors that specialize in transgender issues so quickly?". She didn't have to wait 6-8 months like most others as I asked both doctors if they could squeeze her in.
So now I was focused on being the supportive parent and giving her all the love and support she needed (needs...) to be herself. It helped put all my feelings on hold as she needed her time to find herself along with finishing high school and going to college. Well it seemed to have worked.
Advance to end of 2016, my health issues and weight gain started to scare me too much and my wife. I did start to lose some weight in the summer of 2016 but not a lot as I still wasn't happy. At the end of the year I went to sleep clinics to deal with sleep apnea and see a doctor about low testosterone which I found out was lower than females, in fact 5 year olds had higher T than I did. So I went on the shots to hopefully help and maybe make me be more of a man/husband/father. I did feel more alive energywise. Didn't feel tired or fall asleep during the day, but then the CPAP machine could have been good too. But there just wasn't something that "felt" right with T in my head. Blood work showed the T levels hitting the male range but my estrogen levels where through the roof. He gave me pills to kill the E but I didn't take them as I liked having more E than T.
Sorry this is so long, I didn't mean for it to be but if you stayed this long it does get better, sort of.
Coming up on my 6 months of T and my daughter wanted to talk with her doctor about bottom surgery as she was just past the 1 year mark. That got me into looking into bottom surgery again to educate myself to help her if she had question or concerns. Well that triggered a ton of feelings. Talked with the doctor who does T shots and asked if he dealt with Trans people as well. He did and started me on HRT which was 1 month ago today.
It feels nice having E in my body instead of those stupid T shots. My wife and I have been really stressed about it but she has said she is willing to try and adjust, she just needs time and for me to go slow. She says she still loves me but will not be able to be romantic or physical was the changes occur. In the end, we can end up still together without a sex life which is okay with me as she already has a very low sex drive anyway.
So that's my story. I am 6 feet 1 inch tall and weight about 360+ pounds in 2016. Currently I am down to 300 pounds and going for long walks almost daily. Now that I have hit 300, my next goal is 250 at which time I will start to mountain bike again. I hope to get under 200 before next summer. It won't be easy but now for the first time ever, I feel alive and want to stay that way. After all, 51 years old isn't too old.
I do have a lot to work on in the next few years as I want to stay in hiding until I get everything in place like voice, hair, etc...etc. I figure by the time I hit 60 and can retire, I should be ready for full-time and not have to worry about the working world. We'll see though as I really would like to just live as me for the first time ever.
Thanks for listening (or reading in this case...).
Charlene
