Conviction or not

[Bari Jo]

I've been reading others posts asking if they are transgender or not.  A lot of experiences they had were common, but I wanted to post my own, for me, and also to look back every now and then for others answers to am I transgender?

I have dated women, even very attractive ones, but relationships never lasted.

I have dated men, and nearly all mentioned they liked my beard which always made me feel terrible.

I have only traditionally "gotten off" a couple handful of times.  Nearly every time, I'm fantasizing or simulating being the girl.

I started young like 8 or 9.  I had a male friend that liked to play and I always took the female role.  This continued till we were caught, of course.

I started dressing in moms clothes around age 11, and couldn't stop myself.  I had to every after school.

Parents, especially mom would ask if I would rather be a girl at that age.  It scared me and I rebelled into boy mode for years.

I had long hair at one time and when I cut it, my parents thanked me, but to this day, I miss it.

Throughout my young life I was mistaken for a girl.  Even showing a coworker Picts from college he thought I was a girl.  I feigned anger at that, but secretly I always loved it.

Playing video games, I only pick a female avatar.

I've been to lots of gay bars, but don't quite feel right in them, like I'm keeping a secret even there.

I've collected ladies clothes, but mainly underwear and hose.  I've also had many purge cycles.

I've worn panties for years at a time.

I wear primarily men's jeans and tshirts but slip in women's on occasion too.

I've been on herbal hormones many times

I've been on real hrt as well.

I compare myself to women all the time.  I used to be surprised by it, now it's just there.

I find myself wishing to be female all the time.  Always think how much easier it would be for me, it I was.

People notice my weight loss and it also reveals a more femme interior, and they question it mostly without saying.

A gay friend told me the more I change physically, the less he would be attracted to me.  Um secretly made me happy.

Speaking of, I've never considered myself gay.  I have dated and slept with men, but didn't feel like it was two men together.

I like being hairless, but have to work at it, A LOT.

I've had online dating profiles, both straight and gay.  Gay outnumbers straight 10 to 1.

The older I get the stronger these feelings are.  I feel if I had them at 14 this's strong, I would have chosen the other gender.  I have this thought all the time.

If attainable, I'd be the androgynous wife to a man or woman  seeing myself as someone's husband makes me sad.  The older I get I know I've gotta have a femme side

I still am attracted to women.  I find the more weight I lose the less they are attracted to me, but like to talk.  Coincidence?

I have a hard time in social settings, and developing friendships.  I wouldn't say I'm an introvert, just fell like it's hard.

Okay enough diatribe.  I'm pretty sure I'm transgender.  How much so is still the journey for me.  What do you think.  Are there red flags in there?

[Colleen_definitely]

I don't think you could be more trans if you tried. 

[rmaddy]

I would more or less set aside your sexuality when considering if you are trans.  It needs to be said almost constantly that sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things.

I'm guessing that you have seen a gender therapist, but since you haven't mentioned it, I would recommend that as well.

[KathyLauren]

I'm pretty sure I'm transgender.

Yes, I am pretty sure you are too.  Your story is quite similar to mine.

I agree with rmaddy that you should see a gender therapist, if you have not already done so.

[Bari Jo]

Thanks for the comments.  Yes therapy helped get me to where I am.  I'll be getting more, but am finally learning to accept me for me.  It's been a very long and painful journey to get here and this is not the end..  Validation from those with similar stories, or overcoming judgement helps me too.

[elkie-t]

I think you have more trouble living your life as you are, than if you openly transition. Sometimes in-between is more difficult position than at the either end


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[Kendra]

I have zero doubt I am transgender. 
My gender therapist arrived at the same conclusion the first time we met. 
My endocrinologist wrote a prescription for "double the usual starting dose of estradiol" the first time we met.
One week after starting HRT my mother's first comment when she saw me was: "You look different. You look happy."
Did I mention I have no doubt I am transgender?

I answered yes to nine questions, no to sixteen questions.  Based on your list I am 2/3 not there. 
Yes: 4, 7, 15, 16, 17, 20, 22, 24, 25.
No:  1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 18, 19, 21, 23.

We may have very different experiences but can have similar results.

Kendra

[Bari Jo]

Thanks Kendra, we each have our own journey.  For me it has been a constant battle, and giving in and accepting has been a weight lifted I've never realized I had till it was gone.  BTW, work has somehow figured out what was going on with me though I've said nothing.  I'm glad I work for a very understanding company.  I haven't even come out to friends and family!

[Julia1996]

I think you need to transition, start hrt and hair removal.  From what you wrote I don't think you will ever be happy trying to live as a male. I know from observation that CIS males don't have the feelings you have. One thing I notice is that my dad, brother and boyfriend really enjoy being guys. The last thing any of them would ever want is to be female. I'm not a therapist so I can't really tell you if you're trans or not. But I can tell you CIS guys don't have the feelings you do. Maybe its just time for you to do what you need to do and be happy. That's my opinion.
Julia

[Bari Jo]

Thanks Julia, I've started.  I probably won't have the results you have starting later in life, but I can hope:)

[Steph Eigen]

It would be hard to imaging you are not transgender.  Curious... how old are you?

You do not really comment in your post about your overall feelings about your current situation.  Do you find you are distressed or unhappy living in a male role?

Steph

[Bari Jo]

Hi Steph, I'm mid 40s.  I have been trying to overcompensate in my male role by having a beard, meat diet, gaining weight to be less girly.  I hated that I felt this way, and I kind of hoped the feeling would go away, but it never has.  I keep rebounding, and the need to rid myself of facial hair and be thin, being more androgynous overpowers over time.  This time its been worse and is all I can think about.  I don't think I could transition fully, but I'm not ruling it out.  time to go back for more therapy seriously;(

[Janes Groove]

If it means anything, you certainly sound like you're transgender to me.

So what's holding you back?

[Bari Jo]

Good question Janes.  I think what has stopped me before was family, and working in a testosterone driven environment.  I do have a different employer this time.  Family is the same.  I know some will accept, even endorse.  Others I will lose.

[Kendra]

If you do decide to make some changes I'm sure you heard the "never too late" story but it is so true.  I didn't really start transition until I was past the half century mark and have no regrets.  I think you are exploring and asking the right questions. 

[Laurie]

Hi Bari jo

  Do I see any red flags in that list?  Nope, nary a one. All I see is a green go light. Being a bit older only means we won't reap all the benefits we could have had things been different when we were younger and we were allowed to become the person we felt we were inside sooner. But the good news is of course, it is never too late to work on our dreams. I'm 64 an started my journey only last December and though I have my difficult days I am generally happy and eager to change. Several of my friends have told me I seem to be a happier person then I was before.

  So Bari Jo, just in case you need to be told, Go forth and be happy. If that doesn't work I am sure someone around you would be happy to kick you in the backside to get you moving in the right direction. Now enough with the silly questions.
  Just do it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Bari Jo]

I'm going to give it a go.  (Again). Thanks everybody for your input.  It means a lot.  I'll post Picts when I'm comfortable with my body image.  I'm not fat, in the normal range for my height, but not comfortable with my shape yet.

[Steph Eigen]

Look for the "before and after" thread on the forum.  Before you conclude you are not able to transition, look at some of these photos.  Some amazing transformations there. 

Beyond the scope of this post, again something that has been discussed in detail elsewhere on the forum is the questions of relief of dysphoria, whether you do need to fully transition and if you transition, to what extent it is a requirement to seamlessly pass in public, judged to be obviously female in appearance.  If you've not done so already, I'd suggest you spend some time reading the posts that chronicle the decisions to transition followed by detailed day by day descriptions of the experience of transition.  This site is a treasure trove of experience and general information.

The next question you need to ask is what you need to do and how much you need to do in order to live a happy, successful life.

Steph

[Bari Jo]

Thanks Steph, I visited the before and after link.  There were a couple that were older than me and passable, amazing.  About 80% of the images don't display Erie though.  I'm viewing on an iPad.  Are all these deleted?

Yes, lots of questions.  I'll continue in HRT and therapy to see how far this is leading me.  I am starting to like my face and it's only been 6 weeks!

[Dena]

Often people remove their before and after images but the major problem is Photobucket. We commonly used them to host our images and in the last month they decided only the premium account at $400 a year would allow image linking. Needless to say, we are not happy with Photobucket changing the rules in mid game. I wouldn't mind a small fee to maintain my account but $400 for a dozen images - no way.