Amazing how people can crush you without even knowing..

[Sarah77]

On a quite regular basis you get reminded how really no one understands what it is like to be transgender.
I was talking to my wife today about going on a city break for my 40th birthday.
It was to go a city we visited years ago where I once presented in female form when I was trying to come out to my wife.
She said 'I don't want to go there for a sleazy, dark weekend."

She could have cut out my heart. She doesn't get it. She just brought waves of self-loathing.
She thinks me trying to express me is "sleazy".

I know I can't pass without hormones and 40 years of testosterone..but she must have known how much it meant that time - the only time she ever let me present my true self.

My therapy is not going well. My therapist knows it will blow my life apart if I transition. I'm so sad. I hate myself. I hate that she actually loathes my femininity. My mum just ignores me trying to hint about my issues..she says 'kids need a father'.
I hate that I messed up because I missed so many clues to my true gender for 25 years. I hate that I'm a fraud dad for my kids.
Abs I hate this self-pity. Why does my wife have this hate simmering underneath?

Sorry for the depressing read..but I've no one  to turn to and it helps.

[Denise]

Sarah,

I'm so sorry.  Accept hugs from afar.

- Denise

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

[Julia1996]

I'm really sorry that happened. I can't give you any advice about your wife situation. But you're not a fraud dad to your kids. Transitioning doesn't erase the fact you have loved and cared for them. You are still their parent. If my dad came out as trans yes it would be really  weird but it wouldn't erase the fact he has loved and cared for me my entire life and I wouldn't love him any less. So don't ever feel like a fraud father to your kids.
Hugs
Julia

[Bari Jo]

Agreed, fraud yiu are not.  It takes courage to get where you are too.  Hugs from socal.

[Sarah.VanDistel]

On a quite regular basis you get reminded how really no one understands what it is like to be transgender.
I was talking to my wife today about going on a city break for my 40th birthday.
It was to go a city we visited years ago where I once presented in female form when I was trying to come out to my wife.
She said 'I don't want to go there for a sleazy, dark weekend."

She could have cut out my heart. She doesn't get it. She just brought waves of self-loathing.
She thinks me trying to express me is "sleazy".

I know I can't pass without hormones and 40 years of testosterone..but she must have known how much it meant that time - the only time she ever let me present my true self.

My therapy is not going well. My therapist knows it will blow my life apart if I transition. I'm so sad. I hate myself. I hate that she actually loathes my femininity. My mum just ignores me trying to hint about my issues..she says 'kids need a father'.
I hate that I messed up because I missed so many clues to my true gender for 25 years. I hate that I'm a fraud dad for my kids.
Abs I hate this self-pity. Why does my wife have this hate simmering underneath?

Sorry for the depressing read..but I've no one  to turn to and it helps.

Sarah...

It's not easy to find words to comfort you. As you possibly already know, I'm married since 2000 and am parent to two young boys (now 11 and 14 years-old). Like you, I went through very difficult moments with my wife. She's been knowing for years about my dysphoria, but she always tried to make me suppress it. I am now convinced that it wasn't out of transphobia, but fear. Fear of the change, fear of being married to a woman, fear for our kids, fear for my job security, fear for my health... But eventually, I reached a point where I had just two choices: taking my own life or transition. And I made this very clear to my wife... But she still couldn't really believe that this was happening, that I was on the verge of becoming a transsexual. So she demanded a proof of my seriousness... she asked me to come out to my parents. I did. And everything changed. So far (and it has been almost 7 months) everything is flowing smoothly... Never argued again... Never fought again... In fact, we learned that we love each other no matter what and this has actually reinforced our relationship. I'm not suggesting that you threaten your wife with suicide, but did you ever asked her what would it take to accept you as a woman?...

Anyways... I still live in some fear, you know. What if my wife just decides that I'm some weirdo? What if she leaves me? I mean... I've been living a real dream the last few months, as you know. How long will this last? One month? One year? Forever?... I try to remain optimistic, but my pessimistic side will always keep reminding me of the worst case scenario. I just don't pay too much attention to that side anymore... [emoji6]

You're NOT a fraud dad to your kids! What kids want are LOVE and SECURITY. They may find it weird at first, they may cry at first, they may get bullied at school... but make sure to let them know that you will never leave them, that you love them without limits, and be prepared for a surprise... I sure was, and my two boys are at a difficult age (teens).

Big warm hug,

Sarah

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[Jessica Lynne]

You can transition and still be a Dad. I know how hard it is to have someone say something devastating and not know they've done it. We all experience it and it is triggering and can ruin a day or a week. I've come to learn that if our spouses can't deal with the real us and would rather see us miserable and pretending to be male than who we are, then that person is using us for whatever ends they may seek. A paycheck, a roof, an idea, who knows? That list is endless. But Love, Love is not on that list. It's nowhere to be found. You'll need to decide to be a martyr and live for her and her facade or love yourself and live the life you deserve. That choice is yours.
     But your Babies? Regardless of anything else, you're always going to be their Dad and no one can take that privilege away from you, no one. Not even your Transsexuality.

[Lady Lisandra]

My ex wasn't happy when I came out to her. I had two choices: supress my feelings or break up with her and transition. She didn't want to be even near me when the changes started to happen. I really loved her, so I struggled for 2 years with my dysphoria and depression.

It's been a year and a half since we broke up. Now I realize the abusive behavior she had, and how she had been torturing me. She said things that you shouldn't ever say to someone you love and appreciate.

Sometimes breaking up is something you have to do. Maybe you don't have to go that far, perhaps when you start your transition she realices she loves you for who you are, not just because you are a man. Your children will love you anyway. They won't care whether you are their father or mother as long as you love and take care of them. The younger they are, the easier it is for them to understand these kind of things. It will be a natural thing for them.

[HoneyStrums]

Does, she know how, her saying that has made you feel?
Did you ask her why she called it sleazy?
She might of just asociated it with one of those "dirty weekends" that some couples take.
You know your wife better then i do.

If she doesn't know how you feel, then she might not know that was the effect she left in you.


And kids don't need a farther, they need love and and authority, AUTHORITY Can come from women as much as love can come from men.


Yeah people can hurt us, and sometime hurt us must when they dont know they are doing it.

[coldHeart]

Your kids will always get love from you either male or female, you wife might of said a (sleazy weekend) just to get back to you because she is feeling hurt, my wife was like it at first but slowly with time she is excepting it, this could happen but don't be so hard on your self.
Sara

[Sarah77]

Lots of wisdom from all of you. Thanks

It is really scary standing on the cliff edge knowing one jump means so much