FTM transgender with concerned husband

[Viktor_01]

Hi everyone, new member here!
I've been lurking around this place for a while and finally decided to join, as this seems like an overall nice and friendly place.

I'm currently (and have for about a year now) been entertaining the possibility of being transgender. I feel more comfortable presenting as male, and have been doing so for the past year as well. I still feel like I haven't quite come to terms with all of my thoughts and feelings regarding this, and I'm seeing a therapist biweekly who is helping me sort through this. This leads my to my first question (which I'm sure many of you have heard before): How do you know if you're transgender? Could something else be triggering these "transgender-thoughts"? I have dealt with an eating disorder for the past 20 years, and have hated my body for most of that time. Could the eating disorder be a contributing factor, or could it be the body dysphoria that is causing the eating disorder? What I'm basically saying is "what came first - the chicken or the egg"? I realize that this may be difficult to answer, but any thought/opinions would be very appreciated.

My second question is regarding relationships. I'm 37 years old and have been married to my husband (M) for nearly 6 years now. We have a good relationship and we have very open communication between each other. He knows about my thoughts and feelings regarding (possibly) being transgender, and he has been both supportive and non-judging. Lately we have discussed possible future transition (HRT, top surgery), and it makes him uncomfortable. He loves me as I am, and does not want me to change my physical appearance in an irreversible way. He is also not attracted to men, which is another thing that concerns him. My husband says that he doesn't know how he would react if I were to proceed with a transition. I love my husband and I'm afraid that if I do decide to transition, that he will no longer want to be with me. At the same time, I don't want to deny myself something that may help me to accept myself and allow me to live a more fulfilling life.
What should I/we do? At this time I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and I would greatly appreciate thoughts/opinions.

Thanks in advance.

(Mods - feel free to move this post if it's in the wrong location!)

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Unfortunately there is no sure fire way to bring a partner along. If he is unable to adjust, the best you will be able to do is a friendly separation. Couples consoling might be beneficial but it will depend a good deal on how comfortable your husband is with the transition.

As for the chicken and the egg. I suspect that you were transgender from a very young age as we know that we are born transgender. Many of us suppress this part of us and can ignore it for many years. Unfortunately not dealing with it can cause other emotional issues that we may not understand. I suspect in your case, being transgender at least in part was the cause of your eating disorder. Consider that subconsciously you were uncomfortable with the development of your breasts and hips as the result of a male identity. You might intentionally reduce your intake to starve your body and prevent additional feminine development.

In my case, I wasn't aware I was transsexual until I reached age 13 but in hindsight, my younger behavior was far from typical male. I enjoyed the company of girls, I kept my clothes clean, while I didn't wear feminine clothes I wanted to wear nice clothes and I hated blue jeans, and along with a passive personality I was well behaved. In your case, you might discover that you tended to be a tom boy, something that is more acceptable in a girl but it could also be your transgender expression.

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[Elis]

Putting it simply; you know you're transgender when you start questioning your assigned gender. Ask any cis person and they'd say it has never occurred to them to question theirs. Similarly to asking a straight person whether they've ever considered being attracted to the opposite gender. It would have never crossed their mind. If you feel comfortable being seen and referred to as another gender than the one you were assigned then you're definitely trans. Nothing else could cause you to think you feel this way.

As for the eating disorder I agree with Dena as to what could be causing it. For me I have had an unhealthy relationship to food and had binges on junk food in the past because I did not care what my body looked like; as it didn't feel like my body. Now on T I'm starting to care what my body actually looks like for the first time. A strange thing to get used too.

When it comes to transitioning while in a relationship I think it's worth taking the risk. Hearing from the MtF members on this site if you don't transition the dysphoria will become increasingly worse and you'd mental health will suffer. There's a chance that although your husband isn't attracted to guys you could be his exception; because he fell in love with you as a person which could be unchanged despite the physical changes to your body.

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Viktor.

As the others have said, the fact that you are questioning your gender is a pretty reliable indicator that you are probably transgender.  It is possible for some psychoses to cause delusions, but your therapist has probably already ruled that out.  That is part of their job.

The choice between transitioning and preserving the relationship is a tough one.  Whereas the transitioning half of the equation is in your hands, the relationship half is in your husband's. 

No one can tell you what the right course of action is.  Some people learn to live with the dysphoria in order to preserve the relationship.  Others can't do that and have to transition.  Only you can decide which course is best for you. 

Sometimes we get lucky.  My wife chose to stay with me.  Before I came out to her, I had already made up my mind that I would accept whatever outcome she chose, because I had made up my mind that I needed to transition.  I am happy that she chose to stay, and I would have been sad had she left me.  But either way, I had to be the real me.

I wish you good luck with your decision.  Take your time, but don't leave it too long.

[Gertrude]

Well, this will test how much he loves you and your desire to be authentic. I'm there right now. Taking slow, allowing him to adjust and accept/respect who you really may be the way to go. It's going to change the relationship, but that's not all bad. If you're authentic and happy, that may give him pause to reconsider what he believes. With my own spouse, I wonder, does she love who I really am, or just some of the external body parts and what they represent to the world. Ultimately, you want to be with someone that loves you for who you are. Maybe that will take some time for him to fall in love with the real you.


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[josie76]

I don't want to be the negative nancy but there is great risk in choosing to be your true self. I'm in this situation now as well. My spouse has strong physical attraction to maleness. Enough she said more than once that she was surprised to be attracted to a "skinny" guy like me. We have a truely emotional relationship, sometimes codependent but very strong both good and bad. She loves me but she still has her desires. As my body looses muscle and my shape becomes more feminine she does not find the physical attraction anymore. She want intimacy but is frustrated as for her sex is entertwined as her one way to feel emotional bonding. I on the other hand need the emotional startup before sex can be pleasurable. Kinda backwards I know.

I hope in your situation you live where your husband can stand by you without homophobic peer pressure. I hope he can be open to staying with you if you do transition.

Despite everything in life, if the disphoria is strong, you will need to deal with it. If it's strong enough transition is the only answer to find happiness in yourself. For some it can be dealt with and they can hold off transition. I hope they can be happy. I honestly could never be happy and not first be my true inner self.

I hope you find your answer and it leads you to the best life you can have.

[JoanneB]

I ascribe to the philosophy "If you think, therefore you are" TG. Saying that you are is simple. The truly difficult aspect is sorting out where on the spectrum you are residing, Today. There are multiple galaxies in the lands between cis-female and cis-male. Where you are today is often a moving target and not necessarily uni-directional.

BTW - There is no "Rule Book". What each and every one of us does to manage their unique flavor of GD is what worked for them. Only you know deep inside what You Need, perhaps with help from a therapist.

We all have various and sometimes conflicting needs and wants that we try to balance. When it's not just a Me but also "An Us" there is another set or two of needs and wants which need balancing. You are the only authority as to what is truly important to you as well as a Need. Or to put in in other words, a "Must Have".

My wife is has no problem saying she is a sexist. She likes what men have, how they smell, how they make her feel. I've heard a lot of times "I did not marry a woman". My wife also has no problem how she grew to dislike being around me as over the years I morphed into what she calls an "angry" person. I saw it more as a lifeless soulless "Thing" by not dealing with being trans.

Eight years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on her with no clear vision of my desires beyond healing myself from the inside. Loosing the Shame & Guilt about being trans and hopefully learn and become the real me. Today she is happy, even joyous about the personal growth Ive obtained. The other growths on my chest, not so thrilled. While it is nearly impossible for her to think of me as a "Husband", I still fill that role when needed to. BTW - since I do live and present primarily as male, I have to play that "Male Privilege" card all too often on her behalf. (As an aside, we are both horrible at taking care of, or stand up for ourselves. I have gotten better but she is still a far better advocate for me)

My wife has made compromises for "The Us" just as I have. We value the relationship. More so, we value the other's happiness. Neither of us wants to stand in the way of the others joy and especially do want to hurt them or see them hurt. Eight years after dropping the T-Bomb we both know where my true joy lies. Yet a full transition has risks I am not willing to take on today for the greater good. I want to transition and in a perfect world would. Today, I do not Need to for that perhaps 20% gain in feeling and being authentic. I am able to "manage" my GD in other ways. As long as I still wake up on the sunny side of the grass, I can always make changes as the situation warrants them.

YMMV

I am trans as well as a former-fatty. I had my trans feeling since I was like 4 y/o. Not sure if it's "chicken & egg" situation or not but I've also been a fatty since I was like 6? I do do a lot of "Emotional Eating". I also tend to gain weight very easily. I joke how if I inhale too deeply walking past a bakery I can gain 5 lbs.. These days I sure don't burn off the calories like I did when I was a kid.

I can't say I hated having a male body, especially back then. Only wished I was a girl. Later in life I was resigned to having it. Same for the dangly bits. We've had some great times together. Still, I didn't hate them, just would rather not have them. Today with some minor improvements from the side effects of HRT I am actually happy living in my body. It's not perfect but it is nice to be in now.

[Gertrude]

I ascribe to the philosophy "If you think, therefore you are" TG. Saying that you are is simple. The truly difficult aspect is sorting out where on the spectrum you are residing, Today. There are multiple galaxies in the lands between cis-female and cis-male. Where you are today is often a moving target and not necessarily uni-directional.

BTW - There is no "Rule Book". What each and every one of us does to manage their unique flavor of GD is what worked for them. Only you know deep inside what You Need, perhaps with help from a therapist.

We all have various and sometimes conflicting needs and wants that we try to balance. When it's not just a Me but also "An Us" there is another set or two of needs and wants which need balancing. You are the only authority as to what is truly important to you as well as a Need. Or to put in in other words, a "Must Have".

My wife is has no problem saying she is a sexist. She likes what men have, how they smell, how they make her feel. I've heard a lot of times "I did not marry a woman". My wife also has no problem how she grew to dislike being around me as over the years I morphed into what she calls an "angry" person. I saw it more as a lifeless soulless "Thing" by not dealing with being trans.

Eight years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on her with no clear vision of my desires beyond healing myself from the inside. Loosing the Shame & Guilt about being trans and hopefully learn and become the real me. Today she is happy, even joyous about the personal growth Ive obtained. The other growths on my chest, not so thrilled. While it is nearly impossible for her to think of me as a "Husband", I still fill that role when needed to. BTW - since I do live and present primarily as male, I have to play that "Male Privilege" card all too often on her behalf. (As an aside, we are both horrible at taking care of, or stand up for ourselves. I have gotten better but she is still a far better advocate for me)

My wife has made compromises for "The Us" just as I have. We value the relationship. More so, we value the other's happiness. Neither of us wants to stand in the way of the others joy and especially do want to hurt them or see them hurt. Eight years after dropping the T-Bomb we both know where my true joy lies. Yet a full transition has risks I am not willing to take on today for the greater good. I want to transition and in a perfect world would. Today, I do not Need to for that perhaps 20% gain in feeling and being authentic. I am able to "manage" my GD in other ways. As long as I still wake up on the sunny side of the grass, I can always make changes as the situation warrants them.

YMMV

I am trans as well as a former-fatty. I had my trans feeling since I was like 4 y/o. Not sure if it's "chicken & egg" situation or not but I've also been a fatty since I was like 6? I do do a lot of "Emotional Eating". I also tend to gain weight very easily. I joke how if I inhale too deeply walking past a bakery I can gain 5 lbs.. These days I sure don't burn off the calories like I did when I was a kid.

I can't say I hated having a male body, especially back then. Only wished I was a girl. Later in life I was resigned to having it. Same for the dangly bits. We've had some great times together. Still, I didn't hate them, just would rather not have them. Today with some minor improvements from the side effects of HRT I am actually happy living in my body. It's not perfect but it is nice to be in now.

I relate. Lot of commonality. I was 4 when I knew I was different and food is my medicine. I started putting on weight at around 7 or so. It coincided shortly after getting my tonsils taken out, which was a right of passage then. Deborah turned me on to the ketogenic diet and I'm 35+ down after 2 months. 127 to go...


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[Viktor_01]

A great big thank you to everyone for your posts. You have definitely give me more food for thought, and I will be continuing to take things nice and slow as I have been so far. I think part of me is hoping that since the TG cat is out of the bag, my husband will, over time, be able to get used to the thought and hopefully we can figure this out together. I have decided to continue on this path and see where it leads me. I want to make sure I make the right decision for myself, but also allow my husband to get used to the thought of me being TG and also the possibility of me starting HRT in the future.

Thanks again!

[KageNiko]

Maybe I'm wrong for thinking this, but I wanted to add it since I didn't see it mentioned (I skipped through a couple of posts at the end).

I don't think divorcing due to one member being transgender is wrong.  Sexual attraction is a big part of any marriage, and saying that someone doesn't love you because you changed genders... well I don't think that's true.  In most cases the spouse is hurt by what's happening, and that may cause them to act foolishly, or lash out.  IMO that lashing out.. that "hurting" that they're doing is proof that they were in love with you.  If they didn't love you then they wouldn't have any reaction at all.

If a couple drifts apart due to one member being trans, then they could still have a loving friendship/relationship.  They can choose to keep each other in their lives.  It's hard and confusing.

It seems like he wants what's best for you, but he genuinely feels like he's losing who you were.  Can he come to love the new you?  Maybe, since the love is already there, but if the physical attraction is gone then it's something he will have to work hard to maintain.

No two relationships are the same, and so if it works for you two then that's great.  In my situation I'm fairly sure my spouse will leave me once I come clean.  That thought used to terrify me, but with all the fighting we've been doing lately she's been getting physically sick.  And so I feel like I need to come clean to her, even if that means she'll leave me.  I don't fault her for that - she's already told me in the past that she has zero attraction to women.
I also know there's going to be a lot of pain and lashing out from her - I expect that because she does love me so much, and she's kind of emotional/passionate about it.  But like you, I need to be true to myself.

Be true to yourself sooner than later - no one can fault you for that.

~Love, Ashley

[Viktor_01]

Thank you for your comment, Ashley. You make a good point with what you say. I know that he finds my current physical form attractive, and I can understand that he does not want it to change. I however hate my body.
We will try to take our time to navigate through this, as it's still somewhat new to both me and my husband, and see how we both feel about it in the future. As I said earlier I really do love him, and I don't want to lose him.

Thanks again, and good luck to you and your spouse as well.

[elkie-t]

I am yet to see any straight male husband who would remain married to a FTM women after she grows beard and starts changing into male. Androgynous/unisex/tomboy women are totally acceptable by our society, dominating women with male brains doing physical jobs are totally acceptable in our society. But once you start changing your body and look like another guy, your husband would be too scared not to lose his masculinity in the eyes of the public. I guess guys anti-gay conditioning is much stronger than girls anti-lesbian (and I think western society is more accepting lesbians than gays).

So, if you go for a hormonal change, chances are high he will leave you and at best you might be remaining friends on Facebook and maybe civil to each other if meet in public function.

Having said that, you have some freedom to improve your body and dressing style without going to HRT. Fitness (even bodybuilding), maybe chest reduction surgery, change in hair style, pursuing some male hobbies, etc won't trigger homophobia in your husband.

I recently watched 'Below her mouth', the male character is a women acting totally manly (having physical job, interacting with her colleagues as one of the boys, has a male hairstyle and dresses as a guy), yet not really is uncomfortable with her body. Something like that would obviously have no problems with your husband, as you mentioned before, and maybe sufficient to settle your body anxiety.


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[SaerJoe]

I'm always interested in these discussions of "when the feelings began for me," as for me--I've felt the hardware-software mismatch from the time I was a cognizant human being.  My body always felt wrong, yet I never begrudged it or hated it, while never embracing (nor understanding!) femaleness other than the obvious physical requirements.  Coming from a supportive, yet tough-love family, I dealt with life in the reality of being a "straight guy accused of being a lesbian" as I've finally been able to articulate.  The static in my mind fueled an added blinding ambition I'm not sure otherwise I'd have had.  Finished college, started a business, sold that company after 25 years, but not before starting another venture.  My wife and I met in college in 1981, have been together since 1999, and have been married for 5 years.  We were married before I transitioned, but ....I suppose I'm lucky in the fact that I essentially married a straight girl, who has been by my side throughout this process that started (officially) in 2011.  Top surgery in 2013 (at 50 yrs old) and I'm considering GRS after 3 years of silicone prosthesis (Track Invention, Berlin Germany).

After all these years, the best I can recommend to you is that you fully think through, with your therapist, about the realities of "changing horses in mid-stream" with social realities and even more-so, the physical realities of HRT, which include voice changes, hair loss, scraggly facial hair, and bones/joints that struggle to deal with the changing musculature (happy for the muscles, but 20 or 30 years ago would have been better).  All in all for me, I'm thrilled to be where I am finally, but I couldn't say it hasn't been without challenge, especially with regard to the legalities of correcting your ID docs (I was able to correct my birth certificate sex and name), and your credit files.  How you "transition" your world, meaning your fiends, family and colleagues, is also an area to be sure to think fully through and prepare for.  Some surprises along the way are a result.  Getting my passport updated was like a Federal case---and the most difficult!

All in all--my suggestion to you is that you think fully through it all---envision yourself living daily in the life of male socially (it is more different than I believe many of us imagine), and wage that against the loss of your loved one.  Try to think, see and feel a day, a week, a month--in your future "skin." 

Much love and much luck to you in your journey!  ~sja


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[Nina]

I feel for you as you have some very tough tests ahead.
Thinking on this, reminds me when I came out to my ex-wife (that should tell you right there how it went). She went through many emotions ie. embarrassed, ashamed of me, and of course angry. Angry because I knew I was this way before getting married; she feeling like why the hell did we get married. Ashamed and embarrassed because what was she going to tell family, friends and our daughter.
After we split up and divorced, we've not been in contact. She wants nothing to do with me...going on 10 years now.
I've moved on, only realizing about five years ago that even if she did accept me, I doubt I would have stayed. Only through therapy did I uncover I was never attracted to women. It explained why I had had so many short term relationships.
Anyhow, four years ago met a great guy - he's a cop - and we got married three years ago.
Life does go on, we all take different and surprising paths.

[josie76]

Nina it's good to see you back!  I was sad to see you leave a few months back. Please stick around. This site is of so much more help with everyone's experiences.

Hugs

[Nina]

Thank you Josie.
It is good to be back.

[Viktor_01]

Again, thanks to everyone for your input. I's very helpful and enlightening to learn about others experiences, thoughts and opinions. I will definitely take this slowly and make sure that I'll make the right decision in the end.

[Kylo]

How do you know if you're transgender? Could something else be triggering these "transgender-thoughts"? I have dealt with an eating disorder for the past 20 years, and have hated my body for most of that time. Could the eating disorder be a contributing factor, or could it be the body dysphoria that is causing the eating disorder? What I'm basically saying is "what came first - the chicken or the egg"? I realize that this may be difficult to answer, but any thought/opinions would be very appreciated.

You sort through your feelings and your past/past feelings and compare them to whether or not you think you have a future as a female, or ever did. If the answer is that being female is causing difficulty living a normal life, or some other kind of psychological pain, there's your answer. If you always have felt something very specific and painful about being female, that only substantiates it.

To separate it from the eating disorder ask yourself did you develop an eating disorder to try to hide the femaleness of your body or to punish the body because of its femaleness. Or was it for other reasons entirely.

What should I/we do? At this time I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and I would greatly appreciate thoughts/opinions.

There's no way to sugarcoat this, if you're FTM then you are between a rock and a hard place here. Your relationship will most likely change. Maybe it won't be the end of your relationship or your time together at all, but it will change in some way at the very least. If he is not attracted to men it's unfair to expect him to act as if he is. But anyway speaking from experience in this situation I would avoid obsessing over the possibilities of "the end" and keep an open line of communication at all times. See what happens when things happen, don't burden yourself or him with ideological questions regarding what you will do when the time comes and just see. If you're going to transition anyway, you might save yourself a year or two of difficulty and pain by this.