All I’ll ever be is me

[zamber74]

I've seen the countless arguments online, that I could never be a woman.  But I remember a time, when I would not be considered a man either.  Gender is an absurd concept to me, society at one time would claim I'm not a real man, and now there are people who claim I could never be a woman.

I know women can be masculine, men can be feminine, we are all individuals and carry on our own personalities.  I've met women who are far braver than me, who are able to take charge, and have a mental endurance I have never known in my life.  That is not the person I will ever be, or want to be.  I've known men, much like myself, who are timid, emotional, and very empathetic, all traits that society claims what women have.

The entire dynamic of what is man or woman gets confusing, and I'll never fully understand it when the rules of gender often conflict with themselves.

That is okay on some level, but it only leaves me more confused as to why I never have been happy with myself as a man.  Something has always felt as though it were off, and I have never been able to pinpoint the reason why it feels off.  There is no rational reason to it, it is always just there though.

  I would prefer to be whatever it is a woman is, but I am okay with just being myself, which does not fit into the category of a real man, or a real woman for many people.  I would like to be more comfortable with myself, when I look in the mirror I would like to appear to be a woman, the smaller body frame, the delicate features, breasts, smooth skin, a hairless face, a head full of hair, all of it.  I would be so completely happy to just see myself, as I have always wanted to be.  It is what I will likely pursue, and even if society does not accept me as a woman, I would likely be happier with myself regardless.

What society deems as gender confuses me at times, but one thing I know with absolute certainty is that I am not happy with the way I look, I have never wanted this form.  When puberty hit, and I started to see the changes in my body I was completely devastated, I would pray to whatever I thought would listen, I would lay in bed imagining myself a woman, and have dreams where I woke up in my proper body and incredibly happy, only to really wake up, to the harsh reality that it was all fantasy.

The thing that bothers me most, is the "why" of it all.  I wish I knew why I felt this way.  There was no trauma in my life that would cause me to be this way, it is just an inherent feeling I've always had.  Even as a child, I would look at my prettier teaches, and want to grow up like them.  Without having the understanding of what is causing this, I am left in the dark.

Well, that is what I have been thinking about today.  I am myself, not what society wants me to be, but I can not for the life of me figure out why I am the way I am.  I can not understand why I want to be a woman, but then, I can not really understand why chocolate tastes so good, and why I like fluffy stuffed animals with big eyes, or so many other things.  I don't even really understand why I am posting this    

This is more like a page from my journal than a thread topic, but I just wanted to share it, perhaps get some thoughts on it.  Am I just completely loony tunes or what?

[Laurie]

Hi Zambler,

   Well, it's like this, if you are looney tunes then so am I and so are a bunch of other people. We didn't ask to be born as we are. We were not raised to be as we are, no far from it.
   I grew up with 4 sometimes 5 sisters They didn't treat me as one of them or make me wear their clothes (I would sneak some and wear them in secret) or put makeup on me (except for the few time I got then to for Halloween) I had an older brother that was left home before I could really learn how I was supposed to act from him. My father was frequently gone deployed on this ship or that as he served our country for 30 years. I was and am proud of him. But I also had the opportunity to try little league and after one try I never went back. I liked track but not football or other typically male sports. I wished I could join the girls for soccer or gymnastics and wear their cure shorts and tops. I was a cub scout and a boy scout and enjoyed some of the activities with the other boys. But i never had the desire to advance, I became a patrol leader and found my niche on camp outs. I took care of my guys by planning good meals and doing the cooking for them, We ate well. Not your usual fair, fried chicken with mashed potatoes and a vegetable, spaghetti not from a can. roast beef with potatoes and vegetables. I learned cooking, and doing dishes, laundry, ironing etc right along with my sisters.
   No not your typical boy but nothing and no one cultivated my interest in girly stuff. It was just there and caused me some anguish growing up especially when I began seriously crossdressing. It never ceased either. I have been different as long as I can remember. I always envied girls and later woman and have always wished I could be one. I did know I was one until I discovered information on gender dysphoria and then HRT. It was at that point that I allowed myself to think I could be a woman and began the process to her to come out.

  So Zambler if you are crazy, so am I we'll enjoy being crazy sisters together.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[zamber74]

  So Zambler if you are crazy, so am I we'll enjoy being crazy sisters together.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

The more the merrier  
I don't think of you or others on this board as being crazy though.  I think I'm a bit loopy, for sure, not the bad kind of loopy, just the really confused one    If I were to be transformed this instant into the body I've always wanted, I'd still be loopy.  I'd be a happier person, but still a bit on the eccentric side.

[Laurie]

The more the merrier  
I don't think of you or others on this board as being crazy though.  I think I'm a bit loopy, for sure, not the bad kind of loopy, just the really confused one    If I were to be transformed this instant into the body I've always wanted, I'd still be loopy.  I'd be a happier person, but still a bit on the eccentric side.

Eccentric is okay, especially with age.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[Dena]

The why is pretty simple. Our brain develops male or female before we are born. This is determined by our exposure to testosterone. If we don't get sufficient testosterone at the correct time period, our brain develops as a feminine one. If there is sufficient testosterone, the brain is masculine. The difference in hormones causes differences in brain structure. This has been confirmed by both autopsies and brain scans thought the number is relatively small so it can't be absolutely conclusive. When we says we are feminine or masculine it is the truth at least as far as our brain is concerned.

This is something that I learned after coming to this site so for years I was much like you without understanding. What ended the questioning was that treatment ended my discomfort with myself.

[KathyLauren]

The thing that bothers me most, is the "why" of it all.  I wish I knew why I felt this way.  There was no trauma in my life that would cause me to be this way, it is just an inherent feeling I've always had.  Even as a child, I would look at my prettier teaches, and want to grow up like them.  Without having the understanding of what is causing this, I am left in the dark.

We are born this way.  Asking why is like asking why some people are tall and some have blue eyes.  It is just the way we are born.

The genitals and the brain develop at different times during the pregnancy, inder the influence of hormones, particularly testosterone.  If testosterone is high at the beginning of the pregnancy, you get male genitals.  If it is low towards the middle and end of the pregnancy, you get a female brain.  For most people, levels stay fairly stable and their brains and genitals match.  For us MTFs, the T level dropped, and we were born trans.  There are all kinds of reasons why hormone levels might fluctuate, some natural and some artificial. 

But it doesn't matter.  The physical, medical reason why we are the way we are is because we were born this way.  It is not caused by any trauma, by bad parenting, or any other influence when we were young. 

And that is why the dysphoria is so inescapable.  There is nothing you can 'undo' to make it go away.  The only thing that eases it is full or partial transition.

[josie76]

We are born this way but it is so much more complicated than just testosterone.
Testosterone is the trigger to masculine many brain structures, mostly in the second trimester. To get male exterior gentians DHT dihydrotestosterone is needed. Male gonads are determined by a protein made by one gene normally exists just on the Y chromosome. Not enough protein and testicular cells are delayed. If a couple of extra weeks pass with not enough AMH AntiMullerian hormone from the first type of testicular cells then ovarian cells also develop. AMH is also the only thing that prevents internal female organs from forming while testosterone is needed for male internal organs to grow.

Biology is a complicated mess to be certain.

So yes our brains gender specific neural structures are formed way before we are born. These cannot be changed and contain both differences in the way thoughts get processed as well as basic gender instincts that effect our personalities and desires. We are just animals on this planet after all.

[HappyMoni]

The more the merrier  
I don't think of you or others on this board as being crazy though.  I think I'm a bit loopy, for sure, not the bad kind of loopy, just the really confused one    If I were to be transformed this instant into the body I've always wanted, I'd still be loopy.  I'd be a happier person, but still a bit on the eccentric side.

I do have to disagree with one thing, Laurie is crazy. (She goes  around calling herself normal. Shhhhh!) The rest of us are not, of course. You, to be honest, sound horribly normal. I think you hit it on the head by saying, "I just want to be me." This is wisdom that we go about our lives and all too often forget.
Moni
Pssss, hey crazy one, its Zamber, not Zambler. (Well except when she's at the casino.) See Zamlberater, you aren't alone in your eccentricity.

[Laurie]

Pssss, hey crazy one, its Zamber, not Zambler. (Well except when she's at the casino.) See Zamlberater, you aren't alone in your eccentricity.

  Ooooops Sorry Zamber.  Thank you, Mainy, for pointing that out to me. (and yes I am perfect and normal) ( oooops make that perfectly* normal. sorry)  Typo is my primary language. English I have to werk at.

Gloriously Laurie

[HoneyStrums]

It is because we are, individuals living in a sexist society, a society that separated the sexis to the extreams of, apreaence, roll, and treatment.

But we are all individuals, we cannot fit in a one size fits all society.
Per pressure and gender invalidation try and enforce these ideology's

Examply, if your scared you gotta man up,
If you cry, stop being so girly.

If your a woman and strong, your a man beast.

Being oppressed and persecuted for not conforming to the ideals and exspectations of either gender/sex enforces it.
And these are the differences we see.

We will see a woman that is ALL woman and yet somehow say they are like a man because their shoulders are broad. This is sex/gender invalidation. And wht trying to understand gender is so confusing.

So you go the biology route and you discover Klinefelter syndrome, And androgen insensitivity. And psychiatric science discovers, hormonal chemistry and brain development while in the whom.

So if likening something of any gender  or sex, a desire to participate and activities of any gender or sex, wanting to present as any gender or sex, doesn't make you that gender or sex what does?

The answer to That would be our souls, and/or consciousness, our awareness our identity.
The title of your post stuck accord with me, because i don't wear woman's clothes, i wear my clothes. Transition inst about becoming a woman, it is about becoming me, or releasing myself from the prison of those social expectations and sexist ideologies.

If i understand, that
my likes and my dislikes, as well as my hopes desires and dreams don't define me as a woman/female.
All that is left is my soul, my consciousness, our my awareness and/or identity. This is what makes me, me. And Im a woman no matter what I look like, no matter what activities I participate in, no matter how I sound or am treated, Im a woman.

Not because I want to be, but because I am.

[zamber74]

Thank you all for your replies   They have been incredibly informative, and I appreciate everything that was written.

[Jessica Lynne]

I do have to disagree with one thing, Laurie is crazy. (She goes  around calling herself normal. Shhhhh!) The rest of us are not, of course. You, to be honest, sound horribly normal. I think you hit it on the head by saying, "I just want to be me." This is wisdom that we go about our lives and all too often forget.
Moni
Pssss, hey crazy one, its Zamber, not Zambler. (Well except when she's at the casino.) See Zamlberater, you aren't alone in your eccentricity.

Laurie is BSC? Who knew? explains a lot though. A whole bunch