I'm a mess... TW* internalised transphobia (FTM/Non-binary/Questioning).

[oddoneout]

I'm trying to figure out if beginning HRT is the best for me, but sometimes I just can't tell. I'm just scared of being perceived as a girl in my whole life, which causes me intense dysphoria and cannot handle emotionally. Let's just say this, coming out as FTM has been one of the best things that had happened to my life. Confidence improved drastically, no longer was I afraid of leaving the house. It's just sometimes I fear how society will treat me after transitioning. I fear how my friends will see me, no longer as the friend I was before but someone completely different. I'm scared they will think I'd change completely and that there would be no trace of me left.

Sometimes I get angry with myself and think "why can't I just forget about gender and just be ME?" It does make me feel a little less uncomfortable during these phases where I begin to question myself, I still cannot see myself as a girl and I don't think I ever have been a girl, yet I don't want to be seen as strictly male. I'm quite neutral most days, yet the changes that hormones bring me will help a bunch. My voice had been causing me vile dysphoria, so has my lack of facial hair and jawline. In fact, since a child the idea of going through female puberty disgusted me. I was always envious of the boys.

My main difficult is romantic settings, I find my perception of myself slightly alters when approached by a potential crush. I have now gotten into the mindset that I'm disgusting and that nobody would ever love me, that I'm ruining potential relationships with my trans status. All I want for a partner, at the end of the day, is not to see me as a girl. Yet I don't want them to see me fully as a typical male. Even when given HRT I'd consider my gender to be rather transparent. I just keep worrying no matter what I'm always going to be enclosed in a box. Which makes life confusing and fearsome, because once in a while not even I can tell who I am, yet I'd scream at the top of my lungs if someone retracted my hormone treatment.

What makes it more problematic is when someone you deeply crush on, recently made his feelings apparent and yet he has no idea of your trans status. It only gives me another reason to hate myself, since I can only see him instantly losing feelings for me once I do come out.

I guess I'm mostly looking for an ear to listen, life's been very difficult lately. I can't tell what to do.

Sorry for this post, I'm a mess...

[FTMax]

If coming out to yourself improved your confidence, I imagine coming out to other people would also improve your confidence. I would just make a point to tell people as you're coming out to them that being trans is just one aspect of who you are and it doesn't solely define you. You're still all the other personality traits that made them want to be your friend in the first place.

If you absolutely don't see yourself as a girl and don't want others to see you as female, how exactly is that neutral? Especially when you actively want things like facial hair, a deeper voice, etc.?

As far as dating and romantic stuff goes, I will say that I think it would have been dishonest for me to have a serious relationship with someone after I knew I was trans but prior to coming out, especially knowing that I wanted to transition. The right person will either not care or it won't matter to them and they'll support you through it.

[SailorMars1994]

If coming out to yourself improved your confidence, I imagine coming out to other people would also improve your confidence. I would just make a point to tell people as you're coming out to them that being trans is just one aspect of who you are and it doesn't solely define you. You're still all the other personality traits that made them want to be your friend in the first place.

If you absolutely don't see yourself as a girl and don't want others to see you as female, how exactly is that neutral? Especially when you actively want things like facial hair, a deeper voice, etc.?

As far as dating and romantic stuff goes, I will say that I think it would have been dishonest for me to have a serious relationship with someone after I knew I was trans but prior to coming out, especially knowing that I wanted to transition. The right person will either not care or it won't matter to them and they'll support you through it.

Max is right. If what you say is truth then you are probably a transsexual male. If you dont like being or seeing yourself as female and even admit you would rather the facial hair or deeper voice then considering you are male is the best way to go.

[KathyLauren]

If being seen a female causes you horrible dysphoria, then you have to take steps to not be seen as female.  You want facial hair and a deeper voice, to which the solution is HRT.

How will people treat you after transitioning?  You don't know, which is exactly the same as when you meet someone new before transitioning.  You will find out who your real friends are, because they will stick with you and support you in your journey.  They will know that you are still the same person, only more authentic.  The others weren't true friends anyway.

There is nothing that says you have to be a "typical" male.  Be unique, be weird, be as wild as you want to be, just be yourself.

[elkie-t]

Go to boxing or some martial arts training. Nothing works better among males as physical strength and confidence that you can kick some butt.


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[oddoneout]

Sorry for posting this, I must sound like a turd............................ 

[oddoneout]

Go to boxing or some martial arts training. Nothing works better among males as physical strength and confidence that you can kick some butt.


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Can't tell if sarcasm.

[Devlyn]

Sorry for posting this, I must sound like a turd............................ 

Nah! 

Welcome to Susan's Place! You're only going to be in a box as long as you keep yourself in it. There's seven billion people and seven billion genders in this world. Help us build that number.  See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[elkie-t]

Can't tell if sarcasm.

Not. I truly think for both MTF and FTM a good level of being capable to defend yourself is helpful. For FTM it is even more so.

Jews were oppressed until they started to organize themselves into gangs and self-defense communes. Now Israel has an army where both sexes serve and they are a power in the region.

Similar story with white protestants, black communities and other minorities.

[widdershins]

For what it's worth, I'd describe my relationship with gender in a very similar way to the OP, and I've always very firmly identify as non-binary, even before knowing it was a thing other people did. I'm also on HRT to get my body more in line with my mental image of myself.

This isn't to say the OP should identify the same way I do. That's a very personal decision. Just that not wanting to be a girl and wanting HRT doesn't automatically drop you into the male box if you really don't want to be there either.

[Ryuichi13]

Welcome!

It sounds like you're afraid that your friends think you will change.  When my sister figured out during a phonecall that I was transitioning, I told her "I'm still the same person, only more confident, and with facial hair and a deeper voice."

Those that love you for you will probably love the more confident you.  And the man that has feelings with you, hopefully he'll understand that you are the same basic person, only more confident and self-assured.  And if not, his loss.

As for what gender you are, if you think you're non-binary, then you are.  If you feel you are male, then you are.  What gender you are, or are not is solely your decision.

Either way, be happy!

Ryuichi
   

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