Feeling detached

[SailorMars1994]

Ok, so this is just me letting it out there. Often times in the past when i didnt feel female, i felt like i was some ''man''.. which sent me into a tail spin of anxiety and depression. This summer I have largley gotten over that, but these past few days have been a little less then great. I have been feeling detached from my happy-self. I dont feel as feminine as I did the past few weeks, which have been the best in my life. I woudlnt say i feel male again per say, but i dont feel female. I dont even feel in-between. I feel like I am a sham and only a sham. I am getting closer in my transition to the point I am now able to apply for surgery, or well in the next couple months when I talk to someone. I feel great about the idea, but then i am fearful. Not just of the surgery, but that I somehow ended up transitioning and fearful of being a woman. I am fearful still of all these things. How? I cant even enjoy being with my girls because its like I am not supposed to be one of them, yet the idea of ''hanging with the boys'' again give me a gut renching feeling of likes i havent felt. Enough I could even lose apetiete.

I been seeing a therapist and she told me that still, I have unresolved fear of being a girl. We came to the conclusion I kinda ''admitted'' i was trans but never accept it, or the inner woman 3 years ago. I only transitioned because being a male was too painful. I never allowed myself to be female or feminine in the 10 years before I came out and even as a little kid i was too ashamed i hate these feelings of female. My therpaist says I have a lot of inner fear and anger about my gender. She has stressed that she, after talking to me forever thinks I am female that still has some form on inner-denial, so she is refeering me to a phsyologist in September.

I guess I am just venting. I feel like i lost a bit of myself, but atleast i aint feeling as bad as I have. That is a plus, and I am not in any extreme anxiety or anger, but then again I am not thinking of or fearing ditching Ashley for ''him'' as i always used to.

Just wanted to get this off my chest, wish I knew some other trans-person with the same issues i do.

[Nina]

I think it's normal to be afraid. Afraid of transitioning and not being who you thought you'd be. But there is also feeling of failure in not trying.
I wouldn't worry about your fear of surgery. Have GCS will not make you a woman...you can easily live life without it.
Important to keep talking to a specialist. It did wonders for me.

Nina

[Reb_]

Who hasn't lost themselves before?
First, you don't need to hang out with the girls nor the boys, you should hang out with your friends, regardless of their gender.
Second, you are lost now, but you are in the way to find yourself. Most people don't even know where to start.
You are a woman, deep down you know this. But it's scary, probably everyone here understand you. Just remember that being a girl doesn't mean doing feminine things. You have to be you before everything.
I hope you can get there soon, I know you will.
Good luck and remember to love who you are.

[FlightlessFootwear]

I'm kind of just starting in all of this, but I definitely go through a lot of back and forth. There are some days where I feel feminine, like I am a girl on the inside, and I usually feel happier during these periods of time. That doesn't seem to last especially long however before I go back to feeling really uncertain about everything. I can definitely relate to feeling like a bit of a sham, or even that I just don't fit anywhere, man, woman, or in between. You're not alone in feeling any of this.

[SailorMars1994]

GRS would make me feel better. Thats the thing, i resent the penis but again, my fears will always hold me back. It is so hard to go foward at times as I have no self esteem I am good enough or even smart enough too.. but going back to manhood would kill me, and nearly did. In addition, being a non-op woman bothers me too because I hate the penis. I cant even figure myself out. Its like I am transitioning only, and only because being a ''man'' was too brutal. I dont think i have 100% accepted myself, that or i am slightly stupid. Either or, i keep going only because manhood was too miserable and gave me physical illness, not just mental and emotional.

[SailorMars1994]

Well that was intresting. Went white water rafting, got ma'am non stop and the instructor accidently hit me with his paddle and said somthing like ''sorry about that sweetie'' or some like that, something a an out doorsy typical guy wouldnt say to another guy, so I got refered to as female. After the first half of feeling kinda ''meh'' having those things sparked my fire again. Rest of night is going swell!

Just wanted to say

[PinkThorn682]

*hugs tight*

I think we've all felt that way to one extent or another.

[SadieBlake]

About a year ago I was putting the ducks in a row to proceed to GCS. It wasn't easy and quickly dissipated the euphoria that had come before. Vaginoplasty is a big deal and I'd worry more if you were approaching it without a care. While I'm completely glad if anyone can get through this without angst, I don't think that's the norm.