Bathrooms, or toilets, or loos, or whatever you call them

[Jenny94]

Hey everyone. Short question: what do you do about public toilets?

Long version: I'm in the UK, for context. I'm not passable. Using the male loos obviously feels wrong, whereas I'm too afraid to use the ladies' because I think I'll get abusively misgendered and booted out. Despite the effort I make to look feminine, I think a lot of people literally think I'm just a guy who likes wearing mascara. Most of the time, I use the disabled toilet if it's available - it's a bit of a taboo, but I think plenty of people do it, and at least they're unisex.

So, what to do when there's no disabled or unisex? Just style it out in the ladies'? Or am I destined to use the men's until I grow boobs in like, two years' time? A female friend told me it'd be fine and she personally wouldn't bat an eyelid if she saw me in the ladies', but I think she was just being kind. My mum, on the other hand, told me that using the ladies' was out of the question.

It'd be interesting to hear from FTMs and others on this as well!

[elkie-t]

In USA, it's mostly not an issue. Not sure about U.K.


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[Julia1996]

After I transitioned a always used the female bathroom. I've never had any problems. I would actually get weird looks from guys before I transitioned and was still using the guys bathroom. I guess because I was androgynous looking. But I have never had anyone actually say anything to me in either bathroom.

[SaerJoe]

Hey everyone. Short question: what do you do about public toilets?

Long version: I'm in the UK, for context. I'm not passable. Using the male loos obviously feels wrong, whereas I'm too afraid to use the ladies' because I think I'll get abusively misgendered and booted out. Despite the effort I make to look feminine, I think a lot of people literally think I'm just a guy who likes wearing mascara. Most of the time, I use the disabled toilet if it's available - it's a bit of a taboo, but I think plenty of people do it, and at least they're unisex.

So, what to do when there's no disabled or unisex? Just style it out in the ladies'? Or am I destined to use the men's until I grow boobs in like, two years' time? A female friend told me it'd be fine and she personally wouldn't bat an eyelid if she saw me in the ladies', but I think she was just being kind. My mum, on the other hand, told me that using the ladies' was out of the question.

It'd be interesting to hear from FTMs and others on this as well!

I feel your pain, Leila, as I spent my life getting called "the guy with the girl's name" all through school and in the last straw getting run out of a ladies room at a Denny's restaurant in Texas in 2014 by an employee who threatened to call the police (good lord).  And this, before FTM hormones or GRS!  I've always apparently walked and moved like a guy, and yet, until I had my ID corrected after my wife and I moved to our native NY, I stuck to the RR that coincided with the sex on the ID and tried my best to feminize the walk and demeanor. 

I'm not familiar with UK, but it seems to me that whatever part you DRESS, use that RR and play the part.   Use the RR, don't make eye contact, do your business and get out!  If you don't know the drill, I suggest Hudson's Guide out there on the internet--it has some helpful tips on the matter.  If you need a link, I can provide.  Good luck to you!


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[Megan.]

I'm a UK girl. I'm full-time, and present in a fairly feminine style. I'm fairly certain I don't pass anything else than the most  casual glance,  but I always use the ladies toilets in public,  and I've never had any issues.
My personal rule is if I presented male I used the men's room,  and now presenting female,  I use the ladies. I appreciate that for NB or less obvious presentations,  it will always be a tricky problem [emoji853].

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[KageNiko]

I think maybe if you were to wear a padded bra you would feel a little more confident about your appearance, since you stated that being the reason why you might have to wait.  You'll never know if you don't try to use the appropriate bathroom for your identified gender, so dress up, and give it a few goes.  If all goes well you'll develop the confidence to continue.  If you run into any trouble then you realize you'll have to step up your game a bit somehow.  Maybe wear more feminine clothes/hats/glasses and such to help.  You'll figure it out!

Good luck!
~Love, Ashley

[KathyLauren]

I concur with the advice above.  Use the washroom that corresponds to how you are presenting.  It is best not to appear too androgynous so as to give clear signals.

If in doubt, use the ladies' room.  It is not safe to go into a men's room unless you are presenting 100% male.

[Tammy Jade]

I concur with the advice above.  Use the washroom that corresponds to how you are presenting.  It is best not to appear too androgynous so as to give clear signals.

If in doubt, use the ladies' room.  It is not safe to go into a men's room unless you are presenting 100% male.

This is so true, if your presenting as a male then it's ok to use the men's but bear in mind as you get further down the road your male mode will begin to fail anyway.

If your presenting androgynous or female use the women's, yes you might get a look or two.. but if you walk into the men's while presenting as a woman the consequences could be far worse then a few weird looks.

Some parts of the UK are quite Trans friendly I believe and even if your not passing, hopefully you should still get passing privileges.. earrings, necklaces & other Jewry help significantly as pointers for other people if you are being misgenderd a lot.

Good luck! When I switched it was scary the first few times. I was worried things may go badly but it quickly becomes normal.


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[Rachel]

Hi, I use the woman room; however, last March I went to Charlotte North Carolina for hair transplants and used the handicapped bathroom in the airport. I have been to plenty of airports prior and used the woman's room but in Charlotte I used the handicapped bathroom. I felt very self conscious there as there had been legislation about trans using their birth bathroom. I am going back in September and will be using the woman's room.

I had thought about it a lot since that time. I have had GCS, BA, FFS, transplants and about 150 hours of electrolysis. My name and gender are changed on my license as well as my Social Security and Birth Certificate. I express in woman's clothing yet I have an issue with using the public bathrooms in Charlotte. Well on 9/24 and 9/27 I will be using the woman's bathrooms at the airport.

The war in in my mind and I am sure no one in Charlotte will care. To me it is important. I do not think I pass yet I am approaching the best I think I can. I have been told my voice is not bad and I look good but to me I have no doubt I look trans ( I am fine with that).

[elkie-t]

I don't think that risks are too bad if you go in a female mode into a male restroom (in a reasonably public place, not seedy one in the worst part of the town) either. Each cis-girl went into a male room at least once. Having said that, and being paranoid (safety cautions) I never go to urinals even in the male mode.


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[Jenny94]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone! Bearing in mind all you said, I used a female loo for the first time this evening. It was 7PM so no one was around, and also in the university - liberal place - but even so, I'm kind of proud of myself or taking another small step

Also, to those of you who suggested padded bras, jewellery and so on - those things are definitely on my horizon. I'm getting self-conscious about my flat chest and un-adorned fingers.......

On another note - today was the first time I introduced myself as Leila to someone! It was a guy in the pub that me and my friend had been chatting to, he was leaving, shook our hands, told us his name, and on the spur of the moment, I said Leila. I think he was a bit confused, but he was polite and didn't say anything =)

[rmaddy]

If in doubt, use the ladies' room.  It is not safe to go into a men's room unless you are presenting 100% male.

Exactly.  Men freak out if they perceive you as feminine.  Women may read you, but they will leave you alone.  The only comment I've gotten in a women's room in over 5 years was--"Momma...did you see her?  She was a GIANT!"

[elkie-t]

I'm not so sure you want to attract attention to your fingers. A nice neck jewelry or ear rings might be a better option strategically


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[Kylo]

As long as you're making the effort to present female you will probably be ok in the womens' bathroom in the UK, I would avoid crowded womens' bathrooms though.

[Giordana Scorsin]

I'm from Brazil and still presenting as a male, so I go to men's room. And that isn't a big issue to me right now... I don't feel the need to use the women's bathroom yet, because I know it would be totally weird since I'm still "a man in public", although I did it a few times when there was no one but friends around and it was so cool hahaha