Where to start?

[Pupa4Clownfish]

I feel like it has been far too long since I came to terms with my transgender identity and I haven't yet taken any steps towards transition. It seems like a daunting task with a web of things to do in a specific order (this happens before this but at the same time as this other thing, etc.). I have been to therapy because I felt like it was a necessary step, but felt I didn't really need it emotionally, so have stopped lately.

The problem I am currently facing is: how do I actually start taking steps? What is the natural order of things here? I am moving to a new location in the next month, so do I look for a therapist first? Should I find a doctor to discuss HRT? Do I try to remove all the necessary hair before HRT like has been recommended to me? I am currently trying to let my hair grow out (the horrendous awkward phase leaves me wearing hats a lot), but it doesn't make me feel like I'm actually making progress. My financial situation isn't the best, but that will improve when I move. Does anyone have suggestions that let me feel like I'm actually taking steps towards being more like what I want to be?

[Nina]

Personally, the one thing I can say made all the difference was therapy. Some people poo-poo on therapy because they don't need an "expert" to tell them what they already know. For me, it was totally enlightening. My therapist was great...I'd say I talked 90% of the time, allowing her to listen. She helped open doors in my mind of my past that I had shut.
After therapy, I would regard electrolysis as the next best move. Expensive, but necessary. I worked my butt off for the near 90 hours. So worth it...to think the last time I had to shave was almost 10 years ago.
Following therapy, understanding who I was and where I wanted to be, I began living full time after a couple sessions. I didn't ease into it or go slow. I was committed to a plan in my mind, and I stuck to it.

Notice I didn't mention HRT? Wasn't one of the things that I would say got me to where I am today. Helped a bit, yes. I would have lived full time regardless of hormones.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I would start hair removal yesterday. Next on the list would be to talk with your therapist about a letter for HRT. As you are growing your hair, that's a good start but assembling a wardrobe, makeup and voice are on the list as well. You should then do some part time to become comfortable in public then move into full time. If there are reasons you are unable to do things in this order, feel free to alter the order as needed. Most important, don't start everything at once. Start one task and when it's under control, start another task. That way you won't feel like it's impossible. If you have difficulty with a task, ask us for help. Most likely we will be able to find a way to solve the problem.

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[elkie-t]

Hi Pupa. Dena suggested to do one thing at a time. I'd say, since you're moving into a new place, jump in head first. Start dressing female most of the time from day 1. Don't make any friends or acquaintances there as a guy (but do make them as a trans-female). Sometimes jumping in full speed ahead is actually easier than later breaking ties....

Other than that - depending on your situation and employment and age and needs. Start taking down facial hairs ASAP, facial feminising surgery (can be done without any gate keeping), hormones (on a 'informed consent' basis or after some psychologist allows it and sends you to an endoscopist). Basically, just turn your male life off and turn your female life on, if that's what you need or want. If unhappy, you can always stop it

[Pupa4Clownfish]

In response to your post, elkie, I wanted to do just that. However, I am plagued by an extremely low voice (I sing bass) and don't yet have a solution for that. I feel that no matter what I were to do as far as makeup, wardrobe changes, etc would all be undone as soon as I was required to speak. I resigned myself to take it slow and do one thing at a time. I just don't know what would be the best use of my time and limited funds in these early stages.

[Dena]

As you sing, you should be aware of the head voice. Many of us have sufficient range to use the head voice to produce a relatively feminine voice. My voice was so low, that my head voice only produced a mid range masculine voice. The head voice combined with surgery has pushed me into the feminine range. I am willing to help people work with their voice if they need it.

On the other hand, a feminine presentation allowed me to get by with my voice for years before surgery was available however the phone was always my downfall.

[elkie-t]

I remember a trans-lady working in a local Walmart about 7 years ago. She was a gorgeous lady, yet her voice would totally sound male... Guess what? It did not stop her to work at Walmart customer service and deal with hundreds people every day!


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[elkie-t]

Obviously, you won't be passable from the very beginning, but you will have your life on your terms. Some things, you'll improve over time. Others, you'll just live with them. But you will have a life on your terms. You may be lonely and not have many friends, but any friends you will have will know _you_. That's precious.


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[Pupa4Clownfish]

Thanks, everyone. I'm going to try to get my ducks in a row to present as female from the beginning. I don't have formal clothes to attend my interview on Tuesday in, though  . Any tips on how to salvage an entirely masculine wardrobe?

What I have semi-figured out:
-Home-made breast forms + the t-shirts I have can be a cheap way to extend their life
-The front and neckline of my hair is rather feminine as it is, so a beanie collection could help my hair situation be less awkward
-I need new pants. All the pants I own are already a size too big for a man. I'm probably gonna grab some flare cut or boot cut jeans and a couple sweats.
-A friend of mine might be willing to lend me some of her unused makeup, so all I'd potentially need to get myself is foundation.
-I have a gift card to Michaels, so I'm going to make myself some flattering earrings (old hobby comes in handy  )
-I also have a scarf for colder days to hide the adam's apple
-I should probably use different soaps
-I am going to stop by Nordstroms to see about cheap-ass shoes, just to get by until I have more money
-I have been told my voice is ambiguous, so I'm going to try to trust that and move on

Things I'm not sure of/could use definitive advice on:
-Tucking. I know it's not graceful by nature, but any tips? It only hurts for me.
-Other clothing tips to salvage what I have?
-Am I forgetting something important?

Luckily, the place I'm moving to is friendly towards transgender people and other members of the LGBTQ community, so not passing, while uncomfortable, won't be dangerous.

[elkie-t]

You got till Tuesday? Plenty of time if buying things in store, not online.

Don't borrow friends makeup, buy your own from Walgreens or Sephora. You don't need your friends bacteria on your face plus there's expiration date for everything.

Cheap shoes are sold in Payless, not in Nordstrom...

Don't bother much about covering Adam's apple. You still will be clocked... just make yourself a nice professional image and hopefully they will be accepting you.

Tucking isn't needed as much if wearing a skirt or a dress. Controlling gaff or a girdle might be good alternative to full tuck.


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[JoanneB]

It seems like a daunting task with a web of things to do in a specific order (this happens before this but at the same time as this other thing, etc.).

Rule #1 - There are NO Rules. There is no one set of Must-Do's in an Got-To order. You do what you need to do, For Yourself, when you are able to.

Otherwise you are just living a life someone else said you should. And didn't you have enough of that already?

Therapy, with a for real gender therapist is a good place to start. What I found even better then any therapist is a TG Support group. Nothing can match being in a room filled with others just like you which you all share the same feelings, emotions, fears, etc.. A therapist does serve as a good counterbalance to the support group cheer-leaders. Nothing is more more of a buzz-kill then having a bit of reality thrown your way via asking you the difficult questions you want to avoid.

After years of trying to fight being trans, you likely have a ton of emotional baggage and a lot of unhealthy ways of thinking of yourself as well as how you react in certain situations. I found that fixing myself myself from the inside was a far more daunting task then taking those first steps out into the real world as the real me. All 6ft tall, big boned and deeper then average male voice me.

Shame, Guilt and Fear are powerful de-motivating forces. It's amazing how little all the other things matter once you start to feel better about simply being you, no longer ashamed or feeling guilty about being... different. All the surgeries, all the clothes, all the makeup, all the other crutches won't help if deep down you are still broken

[Dena]

If you are of average build, second hand stores or thrift shops can provide clothes for almost nothing. Others on the site use these stores often but I don't as most regular stores don't carry much in tall sizes and I wouldn't expect to find much in used clothing either.

[Pupa4Clownfish]

I'm trying not to buy too many new things. I'm already going to need to borrow money from said friend to make any of this work. I guess I need to sit down and ask what she's willing to help me with and budget from there. I was referring to Nordstrom's rack, as their sizes 11-13 women's shoes are often discounted an extra 20% from my research. I will also check Payless. My friend had just received brand new makeup and offered it to me before, but I turned it away. Maybe it's still unused. I am also tall, unfortunately. 6'2" is rough even when looking for men's clothes since I'm only 29" at the waist. I'll just have to see what I can do.


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[Dena]

I am 6'2" as well so that wasn't a good idea  Something I learned about on the site yesterday is look at Old Navy's web site. They have tall but they are much more reasonable that the other tall shops. Possibly one or two items might round out your wardrobe making it all fit together.

[Sophia Sage]

Before you jump into going full-time at work, please do consider how well that will play out at your job, especially since you haven't addressed facial hair removal or voice training.

If you're sure that employment is not going to be an issue (you already have the job, and it's secure) then by all means go for it now.  It's better to be gendered trans than incorrectly altogether.  But if you don't actually have the job yet, you might be in for a rude awakening when an unprofessional appearance leads to a rejection letter.  There is nothing that will upend your transition more than being chronically unemployed. 

Regardless, start training your voice and find a good electrologist/laser tech immediately.  And definitely find a qualified therapist, because all this change can and will be very stressful, no matter how wonderful it all is.

[Pupa4Clownfish]

I don't think I'm in a position to go full time at work. I think my current goal would be to establish a baseline wardrobe for personal time/class time that I can expand once I'm making money.


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[OU812]

Basically, just turn your male life off and turn your female life on, if that's what you need or want. If unhappy, you can always stop it

This summarizes it all. It sounds like you have a lot of steps all at once, and that's sorta how it really is, too. Having a hierarchy of how badly needed one change or another is for passing or blending (ex. maybe voice is a 9/10, but facial hair is a 4/10) will help you greatly. Some things you can effectively mitigate in the short term to address more pressing matters earlier.

Hormones ASAP is good general advice. Depending on your age and ethnicity, electolysis could be an immediate priority or not - if it's priority, finding a technician who can open up his/her calendar to give you a rapid initial first clearing (4+ hours per week) is very worth it.

Wardrobe is obviously pretty important as well. You're going to have at least a couple years of exploring here - every female fluctuates here. Embrace it. You'll find what suits you best in due time.

Tucking is awful, inelegant, and uncomfortable, but if you refuse to ever have any bulge visible then it becomes necessary. 3M medical tapes work well in the stronger varieties, but do cause irritation or even pain. Never use duct tape. Tucking is easier after an orchiectomy (if people still take that as an intermediate step for gender marker change these days) but still very much an issue - you would be amazed how much muscle tissue actually exists down there.

SRS was a pretty immediate priority for me, and was able to make that happen overseas with a strong dose of luck and duplicity. It would probably be a lot easier domestically these days. Some US college health plans cover it now.

If you can find a really competent therapist / psychologist who was around in the pre-WPATH days, and knows all the old DSM stuff, that's the type of person who can help you transition smoothly than a contemporary gender-theorist with a liberal arts degree - since the HBIGDA-era psychologists are actually trained in all the research that went into helping the transitioning population over the decades in which people finally realized, "Hey, it's actually medically necessary for people like this to transition." If you can't find such a person, therapy may or may not be helpful.

Good luck!

[Pupa4Clownfish]

So, my friend and I went shopping today. I found pants that I really like (it was so much easier than finding men's pants that fit. Seriously?!). We put together a game plan as far as makeup goes as well. The thing that was difficult was that no matter what I tried on, I couldn't find a top that I like. They don't sit right without any kind of breasts. Not only that, since my chest gets ingrown hairs really easily, I don't shave it super close and all the neck lines revealed the unappealing stubble. All of that just lead to this feeling that no matter what I tried on, it was an incomplete picture. Any tips on how to find clothes that actually work? It was so frustrating, always finding a reason to say "no"


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[elkie-t]

Chest hair is a big no-no. I would say epilator or waxing, especially if you are easily getting ingrown hair.

And breast forms? Should be easy Although it isn't, because cheap forms don't create natural cleavage.


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