Hey Nero,
I feel for the pain you are experiencing about your breasts. And I have felt some of the same things you feel.
I sometimes wish we could just be people, not males or females, but we have these pronouns in our language that carry a ton of expectations and privleges and duties with them.
So what happens when a person has certain pronouns/expectations/and privleges assingned to them and their bodies do not match up with their pronouns? Even worse, their minds don't always/completely match up with the pronouns?
It's more than a love/hate relationship with yourself. It is an existence of seeing others who for some reason had "the right genetics" get to take off their shirt at the pool when you sit there in the sun with a stupid heavy shirt on sweating like a dog. It is watching girls wear their bikinis at the pool and knowing that you look as good as they do but if you wear that article of clothing you will be put squarely on someones "nut radar".
You don't know what to do because you mostly have the body of a woman, but your face is too male to just don women's clothes and go out as a female.
Perhaps worst of all when you go out in public trying to conceal things, and live in the role you were assigned, ( i.e, be a good boy like everyone expects) you can get "slammed anyway", people can pick up on the fact that you are insecure and hiding things and some misinterpret that you are taking hormones to prepare for a sex change. As I have made very clear in other posts, I totally respect a transpersons right to become what makes them happy. But there is no comparison at all between a person who was completely male/female, changing their bodies by will and a person who was never really male/female just trying to cope with the mess of it all. It isn't fair for people to call someone like me trans when I didn't alter my body in any way, and any changes I make are just an attempt to figure out whether I am a man or a woman. In my opinion everyone should be left alone, but transpeople are willing to take a little pain if they need to, to reach their goal. On the other hand I had no choice in the matter at all, but suffer the same retributions that a transperson goes through, though I didn't go down this path willingly. Yah, I understand your pain, it's enough to make you wanna blow your own friggin head off.
There are a LOT of really nice people out there, but when things go wrong;
Men see me as someone who isn't trying to be manly and punish me to the fullest extent of the "male codes", ie marginalization. I was completely ignored by someone who I see regularly, just yesterday. It was a cold day and he came into the theatre where my kids were performing and I saw him and said "get out of the cold dude". He completely ignored me, didn't look at me, but talked to the next guy sitting 10 feet away from me. It's like I am invisible, and not human because I am different.
On the other hand if you attempt to be one of the girls, you are percieved as an interloper on their gender and an intruder. I have tried to make friends with the gals, but even though I have the same hormones that they do running through my veins, acting on the same target tissues as they do, I will never be one of them in some of their eyes.
People who don't have these hormonal problems go through life with this badge of courage for their big breasts (women) or deep voices and cut bodies (men) like they did something special
In reality, they are nothing but individuals who were fortunate enough to have the hormones in their bodies match up with the social role they were assigned to. In return, someone who will never fit in without surgery and taking medication for the rest of my life to "appear normal", gets incorrectly branded as a "transperson", a weirdo, or a defect. Again, the branding is done by people who did nothing to look normal, just as I have done nothing to look "different"
Is it these realities that cause you so much pain? It is for me.
Please first and foremost consider yourself HUMAN, and realize that there is a responsibility/gift placed on you that most people don't have to deal with. That is the responsability of deciding whether you will be male or female (and I am assuming here that you are intersexed because you answered me in another post from that forum) Most people just come out as one or another, but some of of actually have to decide which one we are.
I pray for your peace of mind because as I said I understand the conflict.
M
Again, I have NO ill feelings about transpeople, in fact I understand your pain of transition, I DO have ill feeling about being misunderstood and mislabled. I totally respect anyone who is willing to take responsibility for the way they feel and then pay the price whatever it may be to find happiness. Hope that's clear to my ts sisters and brothers.
