Self doubt about being transgender

[Giordana Scorsin]

Hey people, Giordana in here.

I'm 19yo, from Brazil, and I've felt different things towards the desire of being a woman. Ever since I was a kid I can remember moments I just did something considered "girly" and my father would scream at me or even beat me. Apart from that, from time to time I experience some "gender identity crisis" in which I am certain of being a trans woman, but not necessarily in an explicit way.

Anyway... Ever since August 11th, my last birthday, I've felt this gender identity cris stronger then ever and it did not pass away. So I went out to a therapist and we started talking in order to make me understand it better and stuff. I've read arcticles, websites, forum issues, I've been bingewatching trans people on youtube talking about their experiences... Each day the woman in me grows stronger and stronger.

However, there's a thing: self doubt. I can't stop thinking that maybe I'm just "hypochondriating" it, that maybe this is not actually happening, and maybe I'm just in an identity crisis. I fear how people won't understand. I am afraid. And I am truely thinking about staying and living as male, because that would be soooo easier for me.

Has any of you ever experienced that in some sort of way? Did you overcome it?

[Liv_J]

I'd say give yourself a bit more time to try figure it out, and listen to yourself and try not to let other people tell you who you are or what you need (unless it feels right to you). Good luck :-)

[Skyelish]

But the question is, are you willing to give up on being just because it's the easiest thing to do? Are you willing to live a life of regret and depression because it's easier? Once you know the answer to that, you can go about your life in any way you want, just answer these questions to yourself.

[Bari Jo]

I'd continue with therapy.  Your therapist will be able to guide conversation to get answers that resonate with you.  Wish I visited a therapist at your age:)

Barry

[Sno]

Firstly, welcome to Susan's.

You are lucky in some ways that you've been able to work out what is at the root of these feelings so early - it takes some of us a much longer time.

One thing common to us all is the knowledge of what is at stake, and the decision to transition (or not), is personal to us all. It's also common for this to not go away, like a switch, we become aware of who we are, and that context then filters everything that we see, do, and all our personal interactions. It's that, what determines if we can 'manage' our situation, or drive our decision to transition.

The common side effect is depression, with all the personal risks that entails, and we may be feeling ok for a while, and then all the feelings of dysphoria crash in, triggered by something that has been said, or that we have seen, or that has happened to us.

Only you can choose your path, but we are here on the bleachers to support, and your therapist is there to help guide you.

Rowan

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Giordana

Welcome to Susan's!

I don't think anyone can tell you if you are transgender or not.  You likely are somewhere on the spectrum.  But where on the spectrum is something that only you can decide, with the help of a gender therapist.

Doubt is something that we all experience.  It makes the struggle to identify the real you harder, but it is something we all have to go through.

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[TheDarkQueenEmily]

Here is where you must search your soul and find the truth within yourself. You must know who you are and what you want. I could write for eons about this topic because I, myself, have been down this road for too long to not be able to speak or write about it. It is  a journey; one that is not so easily accomplished. If you truly are a woman, you will feel it, constantly, within your heart of hearts.

When I was just 6 years old, I was made aware of gender and gender roles. It was at that moment that Emily stirred within me; it was then that I began to desire to be a girl. All my life, I have wanted it; having dreams at night and mindless wanderings during the day about magically transforming into a girl. Donning girls lingerie at night at the age of 8 when the house was asleep and secretly wearing panties to school under my boy clothes. Playing with Barbies and taking a great interest in fashion, makeup and anything art-related.

Yes, there will be people who disagree with who and what you are; there will always be people like that in this hateful world; that is just how life goes. It is during these times that you will have to muster your courage, stand tall and fight back.

I have suffered much at the hands of others; some was transgender-related, and some of it was not, but yet, here I am; standing amidst the smoke and fire atop a mountain of corpses. My blade drips hungrily with the fresh blood of my enemies. Their entrails lay about my feet. There is not a foe alive that can stand before my might.

"Much have I suffered; even more have I conquered. I am a warrior; I am the destroyer."

- Emily B. Jongekryg, August 21, 2017

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[Mariah]

What your experiencing is common for many. I wouldn't rush yourself and give yourself time to figure things out. You have plenty of time to work through this and understand why your having those doubts. Sooner or later though your going to have to make a decision, give into the doubts or move forward with transition. The fact your trying to deal with your gender identity is often a good sign your transgender. In the end, you and you alone determine that fact and what your going to ultimately do about it. Hugs
Mariah

[Jacqueline]

Hi Giordana,

Welcome to the site.

To answer your questions, yes and no.    So helpful, right?

I think all of us have experienced doubt. I believe most of us have had a version of the doubt you describe. I think doubt is a shifting thing. As an example: First you doubt you will ever fit in with people and won't have friends. Then you doubt that you could transition. Then you doubt that you should, it must be in your head(and it kind of is). Then you doubt that anyone will understand. Then you doubt that you can pass. Then they start cycling through the same things but in a different circumstance. I think it is human to doubt. However, it is also human to hope.

I jokingly said no, I have not found a way around my doubt. That is true but at the same time not. I feel I will always have doubts. However, through love, support, stubborn will hope, we can overcome it.  There are a lot of people who have traveled this path alone. It is much easier if people who love you are allowed to support you. However, that is if they are willing. It can still be done.

I can't tell you who or what you are. In my experience, I am much older than you and have battled the fear, regret and doubt much of my life. What I am saying is that the feeling you are having since your birthday, never went away for me. It got stronger and worse till I almost self destructed.

Are you seeing a therapist about this. That would be the one thing I would highly suggest you should do.

Good luck. I hope your path evens out.

With warmth,

Jacqui

[OblivionLight]

Doubt is something we all experience, I think, at least I definitely have (and still do). I'm still figuring myself out, trying labels and see what really works for me, what feels right and true etc, but for the first time I'm also allowing myself to. For a long time I kind of suppressed it because I was too afraid to deal with it (and working through a bunch of other personal issues too, but since those cleared up for the most part...) and I was never quite sure. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I read and experiment, the stronger this 'trans identity' becomes.

I think it's something most of us really do go through, either in great or lesser sense. Just give yourself some time and don't rush it, it's fine if these things take a while to understand and you definitely won't be the first - but don't try to hide anything either.

Good luck with your journey!

[Sarah77]

A completely natural thing you are going through. It's great you are so young to start the journey of self discovery.

Some of us are nearing 40 and have kids..now that IS complicated


I went in to a shop to buy a dress today and felt like everyone was watching me. Then I wonderr why it isn't natural..doubt always lurk

[FlightlessFootwear]

I'm in a similar place myself. I know that I would prefer to be a girl, but it is not an easy road to go down. I've spent so much of my life learning how to be a guy, and it's such an easy role to keep playing even if it isn't necessarily the role I want. Learning how to be a girl and how to fit into society as a girl sounds fulfilling and even fun in some ways but it is such a monumental task that it is hard to convince myself to go through with it.

That said, I am learning that I don't have to do it all at once. In the past few weeks I have tried shaving parts of my body, tried on and purchased some feminine clothing, and I am finally getting around to talking about these feelings with a trusted friend. I'm taking things slow and going at this one small step at a time, and with each step I am honest with myself about how I feel and what I want to do next. That is the best advice I can give you: be honest with yourself about what you want on each little aspect of your day to day life. Eventually, all of the little pieces will add up to who you want to be as a whole, and then no matter whether you are a guy, a girl, or somewhere in between you will be happy with who you are.

[Jenny94]

That said, I am learning that I don't have to do it all at once. In the past few weeks I have tried shaving parts of my body, tried on and purchased some feminine clothing, and I am finally getting around to talking about these feelings with a trusted friend. I'm taking things slow and going at this one small step at a time, and with each step I am honest with myself about how I feel and what I want to do next. That is the best advice I can give you: be honest with yourself about what you want on each little aspect of your day to day life. Eventually, all of the little pieces will add up to who you want to be as a whole, and then no matter whether you are a guy, a girl, or somewhere in between you will be happy with who you are.

This is what I was going to say too. Since the female part of me 'awoke' recently, I've just spent time experimenting with clothes, make up, shaving, etc. Over the past few weeks, as I've spent more and more time in girl mode, it's become more and more obvious that this is the right thing for me - being in 'guy mode' for more than an hour or two just makes me want to die now. I still have doubts about whether I'm truly a girl inside, but the evidence is just a bit overwhelming at this point. But yeah, see that therapist again! I could do with getting one myself.

Also, it may not be helpful, and you might've seen this already on your youtube adventures, but there's two videos on youtube, simply entitled "Are you transgender?" on the Transition Channel. I've actually found all of her videos helpful recently. Hopefully this is in line with the forum rules and not advertising....but she methodically and carefully lists possible signs of being trans (in a binary sense), and invites you to make your own list of evidence/reasons why your soul might be female.

[Dani]

Ever since I was a kid I can remember moments I just did something considered "girly" and my father would scream at me or even beat me.

Same here, I was no longer living under my fathers care since I was 14 years old.

Anyway... Ever since August 11th, my last birthday, I've felt this gender identity cris stronger then ever and it did not pass away.

My trans gender feeling never went away. I finally transitioned at age 66. I should have done this sooner.

Has any of you ever experienced that in some sort of way? Did you overcome it?

Doubt and denial has kept me from transitioning for too many years. We all have to make our own decision because only we will have to live with the consequences of that decision, nobody else.

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the site ma'am.  I'm one of the unofficial greeters.

It's a very long journey from M to F.  The sooner y'get started the better, IMO.

[BlueJaye]

I, too, have self doubt. That is why a good therapist is important. There are times I feel fine with being masculine, and wonder why I have other times where I hate being a man. I go through doubt. Think to myself, am I really trans?

Then I saw my therapist for the first time and as we were discussing my struggles, she introduced me to the idea of nonbinary. It makes a lot of sense to me, but I still find my masculinity horrible at times and am not sure how nonbinary covers that.

Hang in there and don't give up on therapy. From what I have read of others' journeys  in here, it can years or even decades to come to terms with being trans and have peace.

[Laurie]

Welcome to the site ma'am.  I'm one of the unofficial greeters.

It's a very long journey from M to F.  The sooner y'get started the better, IMO.

Talking over my unofficial duties, Jane?  Someone needed to.  Thanks.

Hugs,
   Laurie

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[Sarah77]

I, too, have self doubt. That is why a good therapist is important. There are times I feel fine with being masculine, and wonder why I have other times where I hate being a man. I go through doubt. Think to myself, am I really trans?

Then I saw my therapist for the first time and as we were discussing my struggles, she introduced me to the idea of nonbinary. It makes a lot of sense to me, but I still find my masculinity horrible at times and am not sure how nonbinary covers that.

Hang in there and don't give up on therapy. From what I have read of others' journeys  in here, it can years or even decades to come to terms with being trans and have peace.

I think I've defeated my therapist 
She asked, almost exasperated, in my last session 'we've almost run oit of sessions and we've come no further..what are you going to do?'

[Lyric]

Well, Giordana, your fear is you worst enemy, not your gender. Do yourself a favor and stop thinking of this as a black or white, Man or Woman thing. You don't have to suddenly decide you are a woman and change your body and wardobe overnight. Try things out-- a little at a time. Decide some of the specific aspects of femininity that you would like to experience in yourself. Many such things can be experienced without making a public declaration or anything.

While there are aspects of gender crossing/changing that are big deals, a surprising number of them are little deals. Ease into things and see how it goes. Do things that make you feel feminine to see how you like it. Depending upon what you like that might be dressing at home in front of a mirror, growing out your hair, getting earrings or whatever. Those are easy steps that you can back up from if things if you choose. I suspect if you do all the easy, less public steps first you will soon be sure of what you want and your fears will be over.

[Tommie_9]

Giordana,
Lot's of great advice already. At this early stage of your journey, think of yourself as a great "explorer" and not a "doubter." I fall somewhere between non-binary and female binary on the gender spectrum and sometimes have to present as male binary, like at my wife's highschool reunion tonight. I'm going to be as uncomfortable as hell! It can be a fluid kind of thing for some. At times, I've wondered to myself if I could go back to faking it as a guy all the time, maybe we can call that doubt, but there's no ambiguity in my answer. Emotionally, there's NO way I could ever do that, even if I wanted to. It will sort itself out with good support and your active participation, as in doing the things you're already doing. Find good support, which can be a big scary step in itself, and please take care of yourself.
Tommie