Polite or pass

[Megan.]

I've posted on this before but I'm getting really frustrated trying to figure out if I'm passing at all, or if everyone I interact with is just totally on the ball,  they're reading me as Trans* and politely gendering me correctly.
I haven't been misgendered in weeks in random/stranger interactions,  how do I tell!!

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[kelly_aus]

You can't tell, so find something else to worry about.

[Megan.]

Grrrr,  but I'm an engineer,  I need to know! Lol

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[Lady Lisandra]

Does it matter? If you pass, congratulations. If you don't, that means people accept and respect you. But, if it happened with random people on the street, you probably pass.

[Julia1996]

If people aren't misgendering you or being nasty then be happy with that.  There really isn't any way to know for sure. But there are a couple of clues. Do people immediately gender you female or do they hesitate as if they are deciding what to say? What's their body language like. Do they seem relaxed when they first meet you or do they seem a little on edge?  You can't ever know for sure but if you observe their behavior that will giver you a clue. I used to wonder about that too. Were people staring at me because I'm albino or can they tell I'm trans? But it doesn't matter. People always gender me female and treat me as a female. That's all I ever wanted so I'm not going to worry about if maybe they potentially outed me but didn't say anything.
Julia

[Megan.]

Thanks all for the support and feedback. I know regardless of how people see me,  that I'm very lucky to live and work in places where people are so accepting.
I think I do get read most of the time,  and I'm fine with that (ofc passing would be nicer), but I had expected more either negative or just confused/unsure reactions.
I've been full-time time for 4 months now and I have not yet had any negative experience, I'm getting paranoid that karma is saving up for a big whammy!

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[TonyaW]

I'm pretty much full time now and usually get gendered correctly. 

Pretty sure I'm not often mistaken for a cis woman.  I'm taller than most, still figuring out make up and just 6 months HRT so not a lot of physical effects yet. 

It does mean they are at least seeing me as a female, whether it's a transwoman or actually passing.  Its what I want them to see so I'm happy with it. 



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[echo7]

I used to have the same doubts as you do (I also really needed to know!!), so I decided to try something.  It may work for you too.

I made an effort to make new female friends outside my social circle.  These women had never met or seen me before.  I spent time hanging out with them in both group outings and one-on-one meetings.  I spent entire days with them, just the two of us, going out to museums or whatever.  Just enjoying a day out together as women.

After we'd gotten to know each other across multiple outings over the span of a month or two, I found a time when just the two of us were alone in a car.  And I told her I'm transgender.  I figured the best way to judge a genuine reaction would be in private, in person, and watching the reaction on their faces.  Anyway, when I told her, she was truly surprised and had no idea.  I asked her, "but didn't my voice give me away? or the way I acted? or the way I looked or dressed?"  And she said no.  She had absolutely no idea I was transgender, even after all the time we had spent together.

I did this a few more times with other female friends around my age, and each time I learned I had been passing flawlessly.  After doing this several times, my mind was finally put at ease and I stopped outing myself to my friends, haha

[Megan.]

Echo,  thank you,  I'll do this!

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[KarynMcD]

Are random guys chatting/flirting with you, or checking you out and then smiling at you?
If so, you probably pass.

[Megan.]

Are random guys chatting/flirting with you, or checking you out and then smiling at you?
If so, you probably pass.

I got what could have been my first 'check out'  just the other day,  but I'm really not looking at all,  and I was always utterly clueless on that kind of stuff.

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[echo7]

Are random guys chatting/flirting with you, or checking you out and then smiling at you?
If so, you probably pass.

Actually I think this is one of the worst ways to judge one's ability to pass.  Men are pretty terrible at clocking trans women.  They don't understand the subtle nuances of women, such as the way we socialize and interact with other people.  They just see long hair and boobs and think, "that's a woman."

However, men tend to be the most vocal when they do clock trans women.  While cis women on the other hand, are much more likely to clock you but not say anything, especially when other people are around.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Megan,

I understand your need to know, I too am an engineer. But I have given up trying to answer your query. I believe that I pass most of the time but I do get the occasional stares...are they reading me as trans or are they just looking at a taller than most grandmother. My take is that I have made many friends and have far better relationships, particularly with women (not at all challenging my totally dedicated relationship with my wife). My take on it is that I no longer care about being read if I can find the kind of relational joy that was not present in the past 67 years of male life.

Good luck,
Anne

[Megan.]

I accept the reality that I'll never really know,  but it still frustrates me.
I'm very comfortable either way,  I live my life,  and don't give much value to others opinions,  except the wonderful bunch at Susan's [emoji3]

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