Anybody who didn't realise until later in life?

[Jenny94]

Hi everyone. I'm gonna make a full disclosure: I use a female name and gender on this forum because when I come here, that's how I feel; and there are many moments in my life when I feel strong dysphoria with my male self and think that ultimately I should transition. I spent most of last week presenting female and feeling great. But here's the thing: this is quite new to me. I lived my life for 22 years as male and never really questioned it. There were no signs of being trans as I grew up, or so my parents say. Puberty was kind of a non-event and didn't horrify me.

Any of those online brain tests reveal I have a "female brain", and I've always liked that - being a man with a female brain, whose role models and favourite people are all women and who feels a strong connection with femininity and the trans community.

It was only a few months ago, when I read "The Danish Girl" (which I'm aware describes a very idealised and non-standard trans experience) and kept thinking, "I know how he feels", "This bit resonates with me", "Why am I crying?", that I thought, hang on, this book is about me. I'm a woman inside, after all these years of never letting myself explore the possibility. But it just doesn't tally with my history. Also, the dysphoria comes and goes so much that there are days when I think this is just a phase. But then I imagine myself with breasts, as a mother, etc. and think, oh god, it's real after all. Basically, it's all swinging about all over the place right now.

Now, I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm not trans, or I am, or I'm non-binary, because I know that's a question that ultimately only one person can answer. But it'd be nice to hear if there are any similar cases, where perhaps you went through puberty and didn't really notice, and only started to experience dysphoria later on in life - in your late teens, twenties or later. Or more broadly, just anyone with a "non-standard trans narrative", I'd love to hear from you. ^_^

L x

[Charlie Nicki]

I didn't realize until I was around 24. But looking back it was always there. I dreamt of being a girl since I was very little, I even remember in puberty I once made a pact with God that I would behave and He would turn me into a girl. Of course that never happened.

I never hated my body, or my genitals, or male clothes, none of that. I was never androgynous either. But the thoughts were always there and they grew, up until the point when at 24 years old, I decided to get help. I'm 29 today and still haven't figured it out.

Best of luck to you in this journey.


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[AnneK]

I have long wanted to wear feminine things.  I don't recall wanting to be female, until I found out it was possible to change with surgery.  When I was around 10-11, I started to "borrow" my sister's stockings and garter belts (this was before pantyhose were commonly worn).  About 25 years ago, I started full cross dressing on occasions.

[TonyaW]

I didn't realize until I was around 24. But looking back it was always there. I dreamt of being a girl since I was very little, I even remember in puberty I once made a pact with God that I would behave and He would turn me into a girl. Of course that never happened.

I never hated my body, or my genitals, or male clothes, none of that. I was never androgynous either. But the thoughts were always there and they grew, up until the point when at 24 years old, I decided to get help. I'm 29 today and still haven't figured it out.

Best of luck to you in this journey.


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Sounds a lot like me only it took me twice as long to figure out that I was really transgender.  When I was younger I did the praying, wishing, etc.  I had been cross dressing since very young, so young I can't remember first time.  Renee Richards story broke when I was in 8th or 9th grade (that should sufficiently date me) and I started thinking that I would have a sex change (as it was called in those days) when I got older.  Life happened (college, wife, kids)
and that didn't.  Ignored it, dealt with it by crossdressing when I could.  Started getting too hard to ignore and crossdressing didn't seem enough anymore so went to a therapist finally.  Realized that I really was transgender and that I needed to transition because it would never go away if I didn't and I was no longer able to deal with it any other way.

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[Jazmynne]

I finally figured out at 63 I am transgender and why I should have breasts. I never disliked my body or crossdressed  but some of that has changed. I now have long hair, painted toenails with clear and don't care the lower part doesn't work, and keep my chest shaved.     

[sf_erika]

I'm 37 years old and have just now figured out that I'm trans.  I feel like it took me so long partially because there's that narrative out there about transwomen feeling like they were trapped in the wrong body from their earliest memories.  I didn't necessarily feel that way.  I went about my life the way that most kids would growing up.  Don't get me wrong, there were definitely signs from my childhood, but they just didn't make sense until after decades of life experience.  Ex: the need to crossdress as a teenager, the feeling that there was something different about me, actually praying/hoping that I'd wake up as a girl, sexual fantasies in the female role, not really ever feeling socially comfortable in my role as guy.  Writing this all out at once may make it sound obvious (how the hell did I miss these signs?).  But these things didn't always happen at the same time, and they would occur at various levels of intensity throughout the years before I'd sort of snap out of it, throw away all my female clothing, repress everything, and try to go back to living as a normal guy.  Anyway, I guess the point is that there is no single trans narrative, and realizing that was one of my first steps in coming to terms with it. 

One of my other first steps was asking whether I was trans.  I came across a video by renowned gender therapies Dara Hoffman-Fox, who explained that the mere fact you're asking that question means that you don't fall neatly on the binary you were assigned at birth.  She explained that completely cis people apparently don't ask themselves whether they are trans.   That was a huge epiphany for me too. 

Those two moments together motivated me to seek a gender therapist.

Erika


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[Anne Blake]

Didn't have a clue until my mid sixties, no cross dressing or anything. Grew up very much a loner with coping mechanisms that protected me but probably also kept me from being aware of my transgender self. Now, two and a half years later am fully out as me and couldn't be happier.

[KathyLauren]

Your story is much, much more common than the stories of six-year-old media darlings.  I started to wonder about it in my 30s and 40s, but managed to talk myself out of it.  Can you say "denial"?  I was 60 before it hit me in the face and I started to investigate seriously whether I might be trans.  Now I am transitioning at age 62. 

My dysphoria was always there, but I didn't recognize it for what it was.  It is only now, in 20/20 hindsight, that I can see that that was what it was.

I have heard, though I don't know how accurate it is, that the average age for transitioning is in one's late 40s or early 50s.

[Sno]

Well, it was always there. I just didn't know - like the proverbial iceberg in the fog, on a dark night, and no torches. It was waiting for the inevitable collision.

A running joke at home is my partner is more of a man than I am, thanks to lots of my test scores being far more feminine than hers, or her friends. you'd've  thought I was smart enough to take the hints.

It had no impact on my life until I caught a home invader - arguably the most masculine thing I've ever done in my life.

It felt wrong. So deeply, horribly, disgustingly wrong. All of the men folk were congratulating me, and yet there I was, utterly repulsed by my actions, repulsed by their masculinity, and dissociating wildly.

Only the women folk seemed to understand.

It triggered a spell of deep introspection, and looking for ways to salve my self loathing - and for sources of what and why. Our favourite search engine ended up being the answer, and the start of something much more difficult too. I'd always felt different, but now I was starting to understand why this may be - and possible sources for why I am so different from your average joe - even back to thinking about my grandmothers medical history (tldr: highly probable high DES exposure)

The world circled around, and only one explanation was able to explain how and why I react in the ways I do, past activities (secret dressing). The only way I could consistently explain all of them was that I am transgender.

During this process, I found Susan's. It stabilised me - with the realisation that I am not alone.

One thing is certain - I am more comfortable being 'me', and glad to have found such a lovely corner of the Interwebs.

(Hugs)

Rowan

[MaxForever]

Thanks for the stories everyone! It made me look way back and look into my childhood (teen years)
And figure something out.
I haven't known I was transgender until now (32) And I only saw few signs in my life of being male and not female
until reading these posts.
A BIG red flag popped up in my head I used to write fanfiction in highschool as an escape from the world I was living in
(being bullied) I always wrote as the male character in the stories. (first person) WHY I didn't see that until now I don't know. That I was happier writing as a male... what would that mean? And now I know why. I feel kinda dumb for not realizing that sooner. (Never wrote as a female character never) Writing was my world away from the real world. I sometimes thought (I want to be in this story instead of real life).

[Rowena_Ellenweorc]

Thanks for the stories everyone! It made me look way back and look into my childhood (teen years)
And figure something out.
I haven't known I was transgender until now (32) And I only saw few signs in my life of being male and not female
until reading these posts.
A BIG red flag popped up in my head I used to write fanfiction in highschool as an escape from the world I was living in
(being bullied) I always wrote as the male character in the stories. (first person) WHY I didn't see that until now I don't know. That I was happier writing as a male... what would that mean? And now I know why. I feel kinda dumb for not realizing that sooner. (Never wrote as a female character never) Writing was my world away from the real world. I sometimes thought (I want to be in this story instead of real life).

My story is kinda one I think you could relate to, Max... Cause I'm also on the male side of the trans* spectrum. Funny enough, I'm also a writer. And while I actually can write both genders, I really love writing from the male perspective.  I also in middle/high school enjoyed being with my friends and we all took on french revolutionary personas from Les Miserables. How easy it was for me to be a male fighting force LOL.



28 here and just starting to 'come out' as transgender, opposite side of the spectrum.

We hear these days about how so many people had the opportunity to come out as a child/teen/whatever. But they also had for one, more access to information, more access to other people like them, etc. For me, I also grew up in a society where culturally, gender norms (or rules) were enforced.  So I participated for most of my life in self-deprecating behaviors, telling myself I HAD to be feminine. Anything else was wrong.

But part of me was also like, darn that. I'm doing whatever the hell I want.  Gimme them jeans, t-shirts, cowboy boots. Oh, yeah, that's a cool tie, thank you for sending it to me, hun. (Though I rarely wore it because of the whole gender norms thing) There is no way in hell you're making me wear that makeup mom.  Seriously? 4 inch heels, man?  You expect me to wear these? How do you even walk in these?

My best friends were guys. I understood guys better than I understood females. If you pissed me off, I'd punch you and then be like, 'Okay, I'm good.' (When I wasn't bottling emotions) True story. Nearly got suspended in high school for punching a guy who was ignoring me. To be fair to myself though, I did try to get not only him to tell me why he was ignoring me, but our mutual friends to find out, and he wouldn't even tell them. I feel like if I had been a guy (or at least out about being transgender) he wouldn't have reported me... But because I was defying a gender norm, he felt like he had to do something... (Thank you Mormonville, Utah... ugggh)

But then there was the self-deprecating behaviors. 'Oh that girl is so cute... No wait, I can't think that because I'm a girl and have to be straight.' Or 'Hell no, I don't want to play house, I wanna play tag with the boys... wait, I have to play house and pretend I like it because I'm female.' Or I'd look at pictures of me as a kid when I had that awful bowl cut so popular in the early 90's. 'Uuuuugh... Never again having short hair, because I look like a boy with it.'  My life was dominated by how society, religion, and so on, told me how I had to be.

Now if you talk to the people who knew me in early childhood, they might try and convince you that what I'm going through is just a phase because I did stereotypical female things, like play with barbies/dolls.  But having grown up in foster care, it wasn't so much that I enjoyed doing girly things. Dolls and barbies were how I learned to interact with people, learned how to...I guess integrate with society.  How I dealt with the racism, abuse, stigmas, etc.  AND even when I did play with dolls, more than half the time, I projected on to them how I saw myself and how I wanted to be... which was distinctly more 'masculine' traits.
Or they might tell you I loved dresses. Now, that's true.  As a really young tyke, I did love dresses. But it wasn't about wearing them because they were something girls wear and I liked being a girl. In the nineties, and growing up in a small town in Idaho, you end up with those big dresses with the big skirts. So when you wore them, and spun around in them, the skirts would fly up and out. I just had fun making myself dizzy watching the skirts go in circles. Looking back, I realize, I probably shouldn't have spun around so much because I probably showed off my underwear way more than I should. HAHA. (Pretty sure that's why I had to wear shorts under my dresses LOL)
As I got older, I still had a bit of that old 'country girl' in me in that when I had to wear skirts/dresses, I preferred them long. At least for some reason that was percieved to be country girl.  But guess what?  I have a secret... I did that because... SURPRISE! I hate shaving my legs.  And not just because it takes time and effort.  I weirdly have always liked being lazy and having hairy legs. They keep me warm.

So really, I probably should have realized about 20 years ago if not more that I was trans... but it wasn't until my body started betraying me that I realized I wasn't just a tomboy. And I don't mean when I started getting breasts, or when I got my periods. In fact, when I was a teenager, I wished I wasn't so flat chested. And the only thing that bothered me about my periods was how much they freakin' hurt.  I also hated taking birth control, but at first it was mostly because it didn't really help the pain it was supposed to help.

What I mean by betrayal is my body itself isn't entirely female either.  Naturally, I have too much testosterone which blocks the female hormones from doing their jobs well, and therefore naturally, I have some masculine characteristics. The reason I didn't know at first was because the treatment for my condition is what I did all through high school... Take birth control. Lovely right?  So when I voluntarily stopped taking the birth control my body decided to show its true colors.

Even on BC I had more leg/arm/armpit hair than other girls. But when I stopped, I started having trouble with my periods, I grew body hair on my torso. A thin bit of hair above my upper lip.  I couldn't maintain my weight, and when I put it on, I put it on in places that are traditionally more of a male way of gaining weight. (IE beer belly) The list goes on. And well, then there was the fertility issue.

Wasn't till about 5 years later that I found out its because of a medical condition I have.  For a tiny bit of time I felt better about myself, but not really. Especially as I got pregnant with my daughter.  Being more masculine and pregnant was MAJOR dysphoric. So it probably was about a year and a half after giving birth to my daughter that I started looking up PCOS and not feeling feminine... and a lot of the things I found directed me here, where I first really learned about gender dysphoria. And so then I researched PCOS and gender dysphoria... got a lot of studies and crud... and things just started finally falling into place.  So here I am... 28 years old, and just coming out as trans/nonbinary.

WOW... that was longer than I intended... WHOOPS. Sorry.

[Chloe]

Or more broadly, just anyone with a "non-standard trans narrative", I'd love to hear from you.

It appears 'until later in life' is a relative term.

Since finding in library and reading Mirror Image circa 1979 . . .

By Nancy Hunt, 1st edition (1978) Hard to find in library these days I was 23 at the time and am now 61. Having "went through puberty" emotionally identifying with close girlfriends and greatly inhibited from actually having 'sex relations' with them this book was a real eye opener and I have been in a "limbo transition" ever since.

Having taken "Casodex" for years am no longer in need of anti-A's and on maintain dose of estrofem only. Have retained sexual function (albiet diminished & unneeded), full head hair and a permanate lack/loss of chest, underarm and leg hair to boot (go figure!)

As a general rule I dislike, am un-attracted to 'cis-females' as "potentially stupid" and have struggled thru some varied gay relationships instead. As a grandfather have found a closeness to God and celibacy best!!

[MaxForever]

My story is kinda one I think you could relate to, Max... Cause I'm also on the male side of the trans* spectrum. Funny enough, I'm also a writer. And while I actually can write both genders, I really love writing from the male perspective.  I also in middle/high school enjoyed being with my friends and we all took on french revolutionary personas from Les Miserables. How easy it was for me to be a male fighting force LOL.



28 here and just starting to 'come out' as transgender, opposite side of the spectrum.

We hear these days about how so many people had the opportunity to come out as a child/teen/whatever. But they also had for one, more access to information, more access to other people like them, etc. For me, I also grew up in a society where culturally, gender norms (or rules) were enforced.  So I participated for most of my life in self-deprecating behaviors, telling myself I HAD to be feminine. Anything else was wrong.

It was worth it for you to type all that out just so you know it helped me a LOT.
I also played with barbies mainly because I didn't have a a lot of friends and they were my friends (Sad right)
I had been bullied most of my life and my father was mentally abusive and that might have held back any real
thoughts about this. I always hated dresses since I was little. (even the skirts in highschool uniforms I didn't like wearing them). I cosplay and when I am male characters I feel more comfortable than in a dress as a princess character. I started liking girls in highschool but didn't tell anyone for fear of judgement. (I went to a catholic school too).  Some days I didn't want to go to school and cried to stay home. In the past some cosplays I have done people always asked online "Is that a dude as Sailor Moon?" And it offended me because I was a GIRL but now I am like maybe they were onto something even though to a girl that makes you feel unattractive. I always acted as a girl too because I knew that is what I was supposed to be. Now discovering this I know I can be anyone I want. (PS not that it is offensive to be a girl but other girls will get that comment being hurtful when you were trying your hardest to look pretty and it didn't work out).

[AnwenEira]

I only knew what "->-bleeped-<-" was from late high school, but I didn't really know how to identify myself with, or have that name for it till recently. A decade and a half later, age 31, I started discovering things, when I looked up these feelings. It had lead me to believe I might be trans, I accepted it from September last year and started hormones just before my 32nd birthday - After completing a series of compulsory psychology sessions.

Friends suspected in late 2014 - early 2015, but never said anything xD

[Nancys Girl]

I'm 64.  From about the age of 15 years on I've probably been coping with being trans, but I certainly wasn't aware of it and neither was anyone else.  Major depression, hospital admission, ECT, suicide attempt, alcoholism and pills, pills, pills.  (I've described this in other posts- excuse me for anyone who's getting tired of reading it).   The right pill would enable me to function at a minimal level for a while, until the dose needed tweaked or I needed a new pill.  I remember hearing about Christine Jorgenson (sp?) and being absolutely fascinated with her; a much hidden part of me kept saying "you'd love it", but the part I was used to listening to answered "are you bats?"  Then there was a show on television (was it Donohue?) in which a makeover artist pulled men from the audience, worked her magic, and the results were amazing.  That "you'd love it part" said her name again, this time a little louder.  Finally, in my mid-fifties and in the middle of a horrible marriage, "you'd love it" won her first real victory and I started dressing.  The result was astounding to me- when dressed I felt so calm and at ease.  I'd look at myself in a mirror, and could hardly pull away.  Once the marriage was over my dressing experience took up more and more of my time, though I didn't go out.  Finally I saw a therapist about it.  I work at a university and a member of the adjunct faculty, who specializes in sexual health, took me on.  As a result it was HRT.  "Is this what normal people feel like?" The depression didn't just end, it *ceased*.  I've been living full time for over a year now.  I've had top surgery, and have a bottom surgery date set for October 31.  "What a long strange trip it's been", as someone once said, but I'm almost at the end.

[MaxForever]

Nancy's Girl your story gives me hope to live a full happy life thank you for sharing.
I have had depression my whole life and it recently has been gone when I found out about being transgender.
And starting to not care about what people think as much anymore because I know it is going to be a hard journey.

[Nina]

From age 6 to age 42, I knew there was something up with me, but never put 2+2 together.
Following therapy and being open with my feelings at age 42 did I come to realize who I was.

[Lucy Ross]

I started a thread on this very topic recently:  Did you not realize you were TS for a long time?  It got all kinds of responses, and some heated arguments got started too.  In the first post I talk about myself, I had a 30 year period where I forgot about my gender issues.  There are quite a few other examples I've read about, and my therapist says she's had patients who weren't aware they were trans, too.

To this day I don't think to myself "I'm a woman."  I have to have smooth hairless skin, breasts, a higher pitched more musical voice, dress in women's clothes and makeup, and not be thought of by society as a man and be accepted by women as one of their own - but I'm not a woman.     Man, what a mess.  For me, laughing about it helps.  I chuckle at all kinds of stuff, and I'm actually grateful I haven't torn myself apart for decades on end about my gender - and my heart goes out to those who have been through hell about this, of course. 

[Jenny94]

Thank you so much for all your replies and stories, everyone. It gives me the confidence to believe I'm not just making all this up, and that I'm not alone in the community. For those of you who didn't begin transition until your 60s...I think you're amazing!

L x

[LindseyP]

I'm not in my 60's but I am far from a youngster.  52, married, 2 kids.  I've been who I am my whole life, put it out of my mind going into college (the early 1980's wasn't exactly rife with positive examples of transitions, and when there were stories, it was implied you would need to date men if you transitioned).  I didn't really start to acknowledge that all these feelings were actually a part of me until my early 40's.  Even then I was determined to plow through life.  My wife and I came to some agreements about things such as being able to sleep in a nightgown, but otherwise I was making things work. 

Until I hit my late 40's.  I got prescribed Testosterone to help with fatigue and over the course of a year or so I got increasingly agitated and depressed.  I eventually had a mini-breakdown and finally reached out for professional help.  It's been 3.5 years working with my gender therapist.  I have no idea where things are going but I know who I am. 

My original goal was to just integrate this female part of me with the male part I was showing the world, instead of keeping them far apart.  I thought I might be non-binary, but lately I've been coming to terms with the fact that I might be much closer to a binary woman that I originally thought.  I've been on HRT for 18 months - you need a primary sex hormone, and I can't use Testosterone for that and keep my sanity.  As long as my wife continues to want to make things work, I am determined to continue to socially live as male. 

I have a few wonderful support groups that give me an opportunity to express my gender and share experiences with people that can relate to me.  My wife has come to a few events/activities with people I know that are trans, although I do not significantly present when I am with her.   I have no idea what the future holds.  I am taking things one day at a time when it comes to all this. 

Some may think I'm not living authentic, but I know a full transition will end the romantic aspect of my relationship with my wife and turning my back on this aspect of my life that also makes me feel authentic is not an option I am excited to explore.  She's been a rock, and as long as we both continue to work at our relationship, it is going to be something that will be my primary driver.  This reads like a bit of a ramble, but splitting it into separate paragraphs seems to have helped a little.