On life's bumpy road

[Roll]

Someone at work today asked me my name, and of course I said Sarah. A moment later I had to hold back some tears, because I realized that it's true now in every sense. 

Soooooooooooo jeaaaaaaaaaaalouuuuuuuuuuuuuus.

[Sarah_P]

Soooooooooooo jeaaaaaaaaaaalouuuuuuuuuuuuuus.

You'll be there someday soon, too!! I know it feels like time is crawling along at a snail's pace right now, but someday you'll look back and wonder where the time went. Hang in there, sister!

[Colleen_definitely]

For real.  Seriously this might be about the most productive year of my life.

[Sarah_P]

So as mentioned in the 'Happy' thread, I did get my license changed today. SQUEEEE!!
I also updated my name at both my banks, and they'll be sending me new debit cards. Interesting thing happened at one of the banks. I was sitting with a nice 50-something woman, and had handed over all my documents. She was looking up my account, and--
Her: I'm sorry, I don't see your name on this account.
Me: What?
Her: There's only one name on this account.
Me: Yes, and I'm changing that name.
Her: But you're not on this account. The only name on it is <deadname>.
Me: Oh, (I hand her my old license), that's because I WAS <deadname>.
Her: (confused look, gradually changing to surprise when she figures it out). Oh!! I'm so sorry! I had no idea. Congratulations!
Me: Thank you. That's perfectly OK, I imagine you don't have something like this come up all that often.

No problems after that, and she was still perfectly happy to help me. I didn't tell her how great it made me feel that she didn't have a clue that I was once classified male.    Of course, this also means she didn't really read the name change order that I handed her, since it says flat out what my deadname was. Kind of worrisome that my bank professionals don't read...

[Cassi]

Most importantly, you passed above and beyond!

[Laurie]

 Sarah,

  I shake my head when I think how not very long ago you were still pretty much in the closet and worried about going out in public and just look at you now. Your doing it girl! You are Sarah! You're taking care of things and beginning to live as you should have been living all along. What a change in you!
  I fear I'm destined to watch everyone begin their journeys only to see them run on past me as I sit here watching in my rocking chair.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Sarah_P]

Sarah,

  I shake my head when I think how not very long ago you were still pretty much in the closet and worried about going out in public and just look at you now. Your doing it girl! You are Sarah! You're taking care of things and beginning to live as you should have been living all along. What a change in you!
  I fear I'm destined to watch everyone begin their journeys only to see them run on past me as I sit here watching in my rocking chair.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I still don't quite feel like I'm living my life yet, but at least I'm living AS myself.
2 years ago, I never would have imagined I could ever do this. Becoming Sarah was just a far off dream that could never happen, even as the depression and self-loathing was consuming me.

A year ago.... I don't know if I had hope, but I was still working up the courage to try. I assumed I'd fail, or everyone I knew would turn against me once they knew my secret. But I knew not making the attempt would be my end. I did try to end it, after all, and knew I would try again if I didn't do something.

I still remember how scared I was to dress the first time in front of my friends at home (heck, I remember being scared to post here the first time!), and then the first time going outdoors dressed for a therapist visit. The joy of freedom quickly overrode those fears, and I became desperate for any opportunity to go out. I was still scared each time for a while, worrying about if I should go here or do this. I was also so concerned with passing that I probably looked like a nervous bird to everyone around me.

Eventually though, all those concerns kind of evaporated. I stopped worrying about passing, and because of that I think I actually do pass far better now. I also still remember the wonderful feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a woman. I really don't see that guy at all, anymore, especially since the face in the mirror is smiling most of the time now. 

I still feel a crushing loneliness. I love my friends and mom, but I need someone(s) special in my life. As much as I love working at the library, and how awesome my coworkers are, I really need a career of some sort. I know I'm better off financially than some, but I know I can do better. I want my own home some day, and I'll never have it with what I make. Especially since I'm saving as much as I can for GCS, which at this rate is at least 5-8 years away, at best (aarrgh!!!).

I have a few milestones I know for certain I'm working towards: Dating, sex (not necessarily in that order?  ), and GCS. I also need to finally dump off all my old guy clothes. They're all bagged up and in my car's trunk, but I keep forgetting they're there. Yes, I really am forgetting, not subconsciously clinging to them. My memory is truly awful, and it seems worse now than it used to be. I'll get rid of them sometime this week.

So, yeah. I guess I really have come a long way in a short time. I admit, I never could have done this without the love and support from the people around me. How did I never see how amazing these people were before? But I also couldn't be where I am without the kindness, understanding, & support of everyone here, including a certain 'Laurie'. I'm not kidding when I tell people that Susan's is the most wonderful place on the internet.

[Sarah_P]

Well, there's nothing that quite knocks your confidence level down a few notches like having your therapist forget about your appointment. I sat there waiting, until I realized it was 25 minutes past my appointment, and it didn't sound like anyone was in her office. I texted, and it turns out she had the flu & a sick kid, and had forgotten to tell me she wouldn't be in. I'm not upset with her, she's sick. Stuff happens. But I am very disappointed anyway. I haven't seen her in months & really needed to talk to her about a few things, plus share my good news about the whole name & full time thing.

Then one of the very things I wanted to talk to her about came crashing down on me after this - my crippling loneliness. Once again I drove all the way to the city only to drive all the way back again. By myself. I ran by a couple stores while I was up there, and the loneliness just kept pounding me down. Especially since I didn't talk to my therapist, I didn't even get to SPEAK to anyone the whole trip (except store clerks). I would have run by a few more places, but I just couldn't take it (plus I managed to buy way more at one store than I should have - I tend to spend money when I'm depressed - and eat, I had 2 whoppers at BK - which I ate in my car). I kept seeing women out together shopping, eating, whatever, and it really set me off.

It's hard enough getting my male friends to do things, but so much harder to get my female friends out. The one I live with, K, I've tried to get out to do things. She doesn't like to go shopping or anything - the only things she likes to do is work and house/lawn work (seriously, she told me this herself - it's like if she relaxes for a moment she'll fall apart). My lady friend at work, V, has 3 children and only rarely can get away, and usually doesn't have the money to do anything (I've only ever done anything with her once). My best friend T has a 4 year old and no job (yet, though she's trying now that she's graduated), so has no time or money to do anything, plus she's uncomfortable driving long distances. I've done more with my mom than anyone else at this point. I'd gladly pay for their meals or whatever, but I really can't afford to do that (at least not too often). I mean, we don't even have to actually shop - we can just window shop, see the sights, whatever. I really want to go to the museum, I haven't been there in 25 years or so.

I love them all, but I so want more friends to do things with (more than once every 4-6 months!). I just want the companionship, and maybe someone to advise me on clothing choices & whatnot. I want to have fun!! I just don't know how to find them. Of course, I also want an actual relationship of some sort, and if the two could be combined that would be fine, too.

I don't know.... I know I've said these same things before, and am just repeating myself. Sorry. I know I'm very fortunate to have my friends that I do and my mother, and to have come so far in my transition already. I feel like I'm being selfish wanting all this, but I've been pretty much all alone for 20 years. I'm sick of it! At one point today I was cursing HIM for ruining so much of MY life because of fear. So... sorry again. This is probably at least 50% hormones (I did break down crying while typing this). I think I'll watch a disney movie and go to bed (there's so many of them I haven't seen yet).

[Roll]

It kills me that so many of us have the same problem with getting out and doing what we truly want to/need to since we find ourselves in a different place in life than most of our peers, and yet we are all so spread about geographically we can't fix it by doing it all with one another. It's like a cruel joke.

Also, sorry to hear about the therapist thing, that just truly sucks. 

Oh, and if you haven't seen it, Zootopia = the best.

[Sarah_P]

It kills me that so many of us have the same problem with getting out and doing what we truly want to/need to since we find ourselves in a different place in life than most of our peers, and yet we are all so spread about geographically we can't fix it by doing it all with one another. It's like a cruel joke.

Also, sorry to hear about the therapist thing, that just truly sucks. 

Oh, and if you haven't seen it, Zootopia = the best.

I know! I'd love so much to hang out with all of you, but just can't afford to travel far. Not sure my car would survive a very long trip. What's worse is I love to travel, love to drive, and see new things. I used to do it all the time when I was running the anime store. I got to see so much and meet so many people, most all of which I've since forgotten. 

Thanks Ellie, sometimes I think the skype thing might be a better route for therapy, but I'd have to finally get a camera (which I should do at some point, anyway).

I have Zootopia in my Netflix list, but I ended up watching Mulan. Great movie, but maybe not the best choice - the song about seeing your true self in the mirror didn't help much. 

[Dena]

Skype is not only a way to get therapy but it's a great way to communicate with others on the site. I set Skype up when I first became a moderator and I have spent many hours talking with others. Logitech has some great cameras and they are simply plug and play. In addition, they aren't very costly. It's also a good idea to have a headset with a microphone as it really improves the audio in both directions. I'm using a cheap gaming headset which works well.

[Sarah_P]

Skype is not only a way to get therapy but it's a great way to communicate with others on the site. I set Skype up when I first became a moderator and I have spent many hours talking with others. Logitech has some great cameras and they are simply plug and play. In addition, they aren't very costly. It's also a good idea to have a headset with a microphone as it really improves the audio in both directions. I'm using a cheap gaming headset which works well.

True enough. I love my therapist, and don't really want to switch to someone else, but It'd be nice to not have to drive 80 miles just to see her.

[Sarah_P]

As I said in the fabulous thread, my friend T rollered my hair Saturday. Sadly, Sunday is my oil & wash day, so I lost everything that she did. We did it primarily for pictures of her work for a job interview, anyway. So after doing my hair, I slapped on rollers myself & gave it a try. I think it came out OK.


Today my hair wasn't quite as voluminous. It's like it's deflating....


That blouse is one of the new ones I found at Goodwill last week. I also caught a few creepy older guys (not creepy because they're older, but because they'd be creepy even if they were younger) trying to look down the front. I've got to say, it's an odd sensation - I'm flattered that someone wanted to do that, but also creeped out.
At least I do have some cleavage now! Actually, I caught myself peaking down there a few times, too... 

[Cassi]

As I said in the fabulous thread, my friend T rollered my hair Saturday. Sadly, Sunday is my oil & wash day, so I lost everything that she did. We did it primarily for pictures of her work for a job interview, anyway. So after doing my hair, I slapped on rollers myself & gave it a try. I think it came out OK.


Today my hair wasn't quite as voluminous. It's like it's deflating....


That blouse is one of the new ones I found at Goodwill last week. I also caught a few creepy older guys (not creepy because they're older, but because they'd be creepy even if they were younger) trying to look down the front. I've got to say, it's an odd sensation - I'm flattered that someone wanted to do that, but also creeped out.
At least I do have some cleavage now! Actually, I caught myself peaking down there a few times, too... 

Looking pretty good kiddo and nice brow job.

[Laurie]

 I hate to have to say it Sarah but I have to agree with Cassi. Looking good there girl.
Now remind me where Kansas is?

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Roll]

You really look like one of my aunts with your hair like that!

Looking gorgeous though!!!

[Sarah_P]

Looking pretty good kiddo and nice brow job.

Thank you! I had forgotten I'd thinned them out since my last pics. It was accidental - I was plucking & cleaning up around them and just kept going. 

I hate to have to say it Sarah but I have to agree with Cassi. Looking good there girl.
Now remind me where Kansas is?

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks Laurie!! Kansas? Just follow the tornadoes.... And remember that the yellow brick road only leads OUT of Kansas.

You really look like one of my aunts with your hair like that!

Looking gorgeous though!!!

Thanks girl!!! 

[Laurie]

Thanks Laurie!! Kansas? Just follow the tornadoes.... And remember that the yellow brick road only leads OUT of Kansas.

I may need a little more than that...

[Roll]

I may need a little more than that...

It's the one that no one ever seems to be in anymore.

[Sarah_P]

It's the one that no one ever seems to be in anymore.

That's the one! Also, watch out for flying monkeys. They're like flies around here.