I was thinking about my life and wanted to post this.
Prelude
I am a 21 year old "male to female" transgender living in California. I have been on hormones for about a year now. I am not out to anyone but a few people, one of whom I'm not friends with anymore thankfully and the rest of apart of the informed consent clinic I go to (they aren't my friends anyway since I only use them to get access to Hormonal Replacement Therapy). I am deeply in the closet and I plan to remain this way for the rest of my life.
Childhood to Age 11
Originally, I am from Brooklyn, New York. My family was dysfunctional and my mom and dad eventually got divorced at 11 years old. I never played with dolls or did anything girly in my childhood; however, the earliest I can remember of me having feelings of being transgender was about 11 years old. I remember being jealous of girls being able to do girl stuff. I never shared these feelings with anyone because I knew that it wasn't normal. I didn't know much about the LGBTQIA+ community at the time but I knew that coming out would result in me being kicked out of my home. It only got worse when I learned about the next stage: Puberty. After this point I would need a therapist to help deal with my anger issues because almost weekly I would take out my anger on innate objects and physically fight with my twin brother because of my pent up anger.
Puberty: Ages 12 to 17
The fighting and anger slowly went away over time. These were the worst years of my life. If I could get brainwashing to forget I ever lived through these years I would. I secluded myself from all forms of family and found solace in playing an online game and stress eating. I would "forget" about being transgender during these years simply because I was tired of being angry all the time. However, my gender dyshporia would get worse. From 13 to 17 I would experience high school. During these years NO ONE would know I'm transgender, but I would still be bullied physically and mentally. They would also do racist things towards me. The worst part of this is that I let it happen. I just went along with being bullied like it was a normal part of life because they were the only "friends" I had. One time one of the bullies slapped me in my face, literally and I just smiled and said "that's okay I deserved it, do it again if you like". Another time I was pushed by those bullies down the stairs and I told everyone to laugh because I thought it was funny. I was the only one laughing and I remember one of them saying "you need to get some friends bro, you're sick in the head". One more thing I'll share, one time they pulled down my pants (and underwear) in gym, everyone saw my privates and they were laughing at how small I was. Keep in mind these were the minor things that happened to me during my high school years. Additionally, I also hated high school because I would be surrounded by cisgendered women who were developing into adults, living happy lives and doing stuff normal girls would do at that age. While I was developing like a man and miserable. I couldn't stand it. I would graduate and finally get out of that hellhole. Eventually, I "remembered" I was transgender and start college. That's when my mom started acting up. You'll see what I mean in the next section
Adulthood: Age 18 - Present
I was FINALLY experiencing some form "happiness", I think. I believe it was more like I wasn't in despair. He was and is my only true friend (he's anti LGBTQIA+, but he's all that I have) would start hanging out a lot more. We would chill at my house go to the corner store to get food almost weekly and play that online game I talked about earlier together at my place. We would also play video games in general together. I was finally around adults and the bullying came to an end. I would excel in the first year of college getting a perfect GPA. I wanted to transfer to Cornell, but those dreams were cut short. My mom was developing schizophrenia and I wasn't able to live in New York anymore. My father offered me refuge in California on the condition that I get into UC Berkeley. Which didn't happen, but I would win a full scholarship to attend another university. He (and I) are still mad about it. I don't think I can ever get over my rejection. Not for a long time. I would also start Hormonal Replacement Therapy in my twenties. At that point its too late because male puberty was already finished. I realized that I had screwed myself big time. I have no one else to blame but myself for my own incompetence. I realized that not being able to pass equates to not being able to be happy. I have definitive masculine features that are effected by my hands, feet, height, full body hair, hips, chest, facial structure, voice, body frame and shoulders. Most of these cannot be fixed with surgery so passing is an impossibility. I made the decision this week to stay in the closet for the rest of my life and just take Hormonal Replacement Therapy as a way to not feel so dysphoric at times. I realized that passing is the only thing that matters to me and that self acceptance stuff is just nonsensical in my opinion. Additionally, I came to other realizations that significantly changed my view on how I see gender and gender dysphoria. I thought I had some hope in the realm of passing but I was wrong and disillusioned. I am actively seeking out a therapist who can help me in my goals of finding coping mechanisms with being happy with living as a man and deal with the fact that life just isn't fair, so I should just deal with what I have.
