Social transition without medical intervention

[Transfused]

My deepest wish in the entire universe is to live as a woman and have the body of a woman.

I'm scared that I don't disearve to transition. That I'm medically speaking not trans enough.
But I want to be a woman so badly. I hate having to live as a man and seeing my body become manlier as I age.
I want soft facial features, I want those horrible morning erections to go away forever, I hate that male body odor when I wake up and smell under my armpits. I hate body and facial hair and I feel hysterically when people talk about me as a he or a him.

The older I get in this man's body, the worse it becomes. Having to live as a man feels like a punishment.

I don't understand them when I try to socialize with them, I don't want to have their masculine bodies and I hate my penis. Most of them seam to love their penis so much and I rather don't think about the thing being present down there. I just don't like having it. I feel more indifferent towards slightly negative about it.

I feel so envious of transitioned trans women. Jealousy.


I like men but don't want to be in a relationship with a man with this body I have. I don't want him to see me as a man. A gay relationship doesn't do it for me.

I want him to take the male role, I want him to protect me, I want him to ignore my current set of genitalia, I find it very important that he is attracted to women strongly.

I hate social situations were men give me a head nod. I smile back at them. I want them to smile and open doors for me.

When I'm gendered female on the phone I get euphoric.

two separate general physicians I had 1 consultion with,  both wanted to prescribe me hormones and follow up with blood tests. I was not even sent to a counselor because they were convinced that I'm MtF.

I didn't take up on their informed-consent. I feel like I don't suffer enough to disearve hormones.

One thing I am 100% sure about is that I want to start dressing and presenting as a woman 24/7, come out to friends, work,  university, family.
I want to have long feminine hair, wear breast prosthetics fulltime to give me the feeling of having a bossom, start electrolysis to remove body hair and facial hair, go to a speech therapist, wear make-up and dress and present like a woman 24/7 including using a feminine name and pronouns.

I want hormones but I'm not going to be using them. I will deprive myself from using female hormones. I feel like I'm not trans enough to use them.

I think that I'm an extremely effeminate gay dude who prefers living as  a woman.

The only thing I'm terrified for is losing my rather soft features and seeing my body and face become more masculine as I age.

I think I'm a very effeminate gay male who feels like a woman and experiences gender dysphoria. That's why I will start living fulltime as a woman without medical intervention. I will dress like a woman fulltime, go to a speech therapist, have electrolysis and soften my facial features further with fillers in lips and cheeks.

I'm not cis enough to keep living as a man and not trans  enough to disearve hormones.

So I've decided on a social transition without medical intervention. I will come out to coworkers, family,... soon and present as myself 24/7.

Wish me luck.

[kelly_aus]

I was going to quote your entire post and answer specific parts of it with direct answers, until I got to the end and saw you repeat something you said earlier..

I'm scared that I don't disearve to transition. That I'm medically speaking not trans enough.

I want hormones but I'm not going to be using them. I will deprive myself from using female hormones. I feel like I'm not trans enough to use them.

I'm not cis enough to keep living as a man and not trans  enough to disearve hormones.

Wish me luck.

You keep saying "Not trans enough".. NEWS FLASH! There is no such thing. You are either trans or you aren't. I think you might find talking to a therapist useful at this point.

I had a similar thought when I first started my transition.. I had fairly bad social dysphoria, but no physical dysphoria and didn't think I was trans enough. My therapist soon set me straight on that one. And here I am 7 years later living the boringly normal life of an Aussie lesbian.

[Dena]

I went through your entire post and nothing said to me "this person isn't trans". Everything thing you posted indicates to me that you should receive any treatment that you feel will make you more comfortable including hormones. One of the things not mentioned is most of us at the start experience some doubt about ourselves. I strongly wanted to transition but I had doubts about what the doctors would say. I made up my mind that if the doctors didn't agree with me, at least they would find a way for me to be happy. They couldn't come up with an alternative so I transitioned. I suggest you have some therapy to help you believe in yourself and by all means, if you want HRT and the doctors will prescribe it, start on HRT.

[KathyLauren]

Just how trans do you think you have to be to get hormones?  How much suffering do you need?  It isn't a contest.

Whether or not you want to transition, and if so, how far you want to transition, is of course entirely up to you.  Based on reading your post, I would not call you an effeminate gay man.  You sound like a trans woman with some internalized transphobia that is preventing you from starting a medical transition.

Which is totally cool.  We have all had to deal with our own internalized transphobia, and not everyone chooses to transition medically.  But I do think you are labelling yourself incorrectly.  Seeing a therapist would be a good idea just to clarify your own self-image so that you can make appropriate decisions about where you want to go.

[Janes Groove]

I for one think you ARE trans enough.

But even if you don't want HRT I think that real life experience (RLE) is a GREAT IDEA!!!

Best of luck on your transgender journey.

[Julia1996]

If you don't want to take hrt then that's cool. But you say in your post you do want hrt but don't think you deserve to be on hrt because you haven't suffered enough and don't think you're trans enough. Exactly how much do think someone needs to suffer to deserve hrt? Hrt isn't a reward for suffering. It's something to prevent further suffering. Compared to a lot of people on this site my transition has been very easy. Others here have suffered a lot more than I have. So does that mean I don't deserve to take hrt? I totally hope not. Being trans,  which is what it sounds like you are, is painful enough. You don't need to add to that by denying yourself hrt. You deserve it as much as any of us. And you are right about your features becoming more masculine as you get older. That's also something to consider. Another thing you said was that you don't want a relationship with a man as a man. But you also say you think you are a very feminine gay male. If you were a gay male you would be into sex with guys as a guy. That's what a gay guy is into and likes.

As others suggested, talk with a counselor. Maybe they can help you sort out your feelings. Good luck.

[Jenny94]

OP...I'm not one to tell people what to do or make judgements, but...take the bloody hormones.

L x

[Charlie Nicki]

You sound super trans to me. And feeling like you aren't "trans enough" happens to a lot of us. I think therapy could definitely help you.


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[Kylo]

What does someone have to be or do to "deserve" transition?

[JoanneB]

I found that feeling trans for about all my life led to having a LOT of deeply rooted Shame & Guilt. Having carried around a LOT of Shame & Guilt led thinking pretty much anything that can be good in my life I Do Not Deserve. After all, I am one of "Those" sickos. Naturally anything remotely bad to absolutely bad was well deserved and well earned.

After I put in the hard work of healing myself from the inside, magically I began to feel to have some joy, some happiness. Heck even DESERVED to.