My first week of questioning...

[EliCrow]

I hope I'm posting this in the right place.

This has been one hell of a ride already. Over the past seven days or so, I've had more internal conflicts than I've had in a long, long time. And that says a lot, to be frank. Although I'm still early in the process and haven't exactly found out where I feel comfortable yet, I still feel like I need to get some things off my chest. Just in hopes that someone can nod and tell me: "This is normal, you're okay."
I started sorting out in all my girls clothes today. My initial idea was to give it all away, but when I started looking through it, some part of me ended up making a "keep" pile - just in case. It's like I have this inner voice that, no matter how right it feels, keeps screaming at me. "You might regret it", "It's just a phase", "You're a girl, stop being silly", all kinds of evil stuff.

I got my first binder yesterday, and I love how it makes me look. It fits perfectly, but because it's a struggle to get off, my anxiety spikes a little when I wear it. I'm sure it's just a matter of practice - or getting one with velcro or a zipper instead.
I've also started subtly wearing a deodorant marketed towards men, and got some "manly" soaps. I enjoy using them, but there's still that voice in the back of my mind. It makes me doubt if this is really right, even though it feels like it. I keep reminding myself that it's only been a week and that no one expects anything of me, but I'm an impatient person with high expectations for myself - if that makes any sense.

Tonight I got a serious bout of... Something. I'm not sure if it was dysphoria, or what it was, but I had this urge to pop out of my own skin. I was so upset I could barely believe it. I've felt this way before, but I've always thought it was me hating my body "just because". Suddenly it doesn't feel like it's "just because" anymore.
At the same time it feels like I have this... "Phantom limb" that wasn't there before. I can't touch my breasts without feeling my heart sink a little.

What really freaks me out is how fast it's all happening. It's like someone flipped a switch. I'm not even done having the internal arguments yet, which leads me to believe that I'm fooling myself. I keep on having this fear that I am transgender, and at the same time I'm in the entire opposite corner, fearing that it is just a phase and that none of it is true. I need constant reassurance that I'm okay, and that there's nothing wrong with me (thank you to the very patient people in my life). It's like it's become an obsession to me, in a way I can't quite explain. It's like I'm having a one-sided crush or something. 

Takes deep breath.

Does any of this ring a bell to anyone, or am I going crazy?

[KathyLauren]

This is normal.  You are okay.

No lie, having doubts and fears is totally normal.  I don't believe I have read anyone's story on this forum that did not include doubt and fear along the way.  It is a big change, and some of the steps are irreversable.  It would be crazy not to have some doubts.

"It's just a phase" is one of the rationalizations that we all comfort ourselves with before we figure out who we are.  Of course it will come up again when the road ahead looks a bit scary.

The important thing is to talk about your doubts and fears.  Hopefully you are meeting regularly with a good therapist.  If not, I would highly recommend it.

[EliCrow]

I don't have access to a therapist with specifics in gender, sadly. The therapist I do have I have gotten a too personal relationship with (he took me in when I had nowhere else to go), so I haven't mentioned it to him with words. It's really hard for me to talk about. The words get stuck in my throat.
My dad is a big supporter, so that's fantastic. I share my fears and thoughts with him, but he himself has admitted that he doesn't and cannot understand what I'm going through. It's nice to have someone to unload on though. Next best thing in my opinion.

But I'm relieved that it's not just me. I suppose I'll just have to keep taking it one day at a time.

[Roll]

What really freaks me out is how fast it's all happening. It's like someone flipped a switch.

I think I signed up for this forum on maybe the 23rd of August. My introductory post was a mess of me being unsure of anything, looking for some lifeline and advice to get into therapy. I just wanted to throw up every time I hit a post button or submit an e-mail to a therapist. I had zero real thoughts of transitioning, I just wanted ot figure out how I felt and where I fit into things. But the strangest thing happened... (in the sense that it felt strange, as apparently it is super-crazy-ultra-common) After my first post, after it settled it and I read more of what other people were saying, after tht true admittance to myself... well, that very same switch just flipped. My brain went from a nervous wreck, fighting like hell to get off a roller coaster to demanding that the coaster go faster, and then faster again, and on and on. This was in the span of about ... ohhh, 2 days tops. If you told me half a month ago this was how I'd feel and think today, I would have said you were insane.

And I also had that exact same secondary reaction. When I first started to look for a therapist, my question was "what am I?". A week later when I actually found a therapist, my overriding issue was "Am I fooling myself?' It still is, but even that is fading in short time.

[MaxForever]

So glad to know I am not the only one that this has happened so fast to. Mine happened over a coarse of only a month.
(maybe within 2) I keep thinking "Is this real? Is this really happening to me?" I didn't realize it would happen so fast.
I feel a tones better to know who I really am though and you will too original poster once you find out who you are.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. That it is an un answered question of my life that I didn't know for 32 years. And I feel no one can stop me from being happy and who I really am. I finally decided I am going to go on hormones because it is right for me. I didn't know it was normal for it to happen this fast.

I think you should talk to your therapist you have about it even if they don't originally deal with gender stuff it will help you feel better.

[EliCrow]

And I also had that exact same secondary reaction. When I first started to look for a therapist, my question was "what am I?". A week later when I actually found a therapist, my overriding issue was "Am I fooling myself?' It still is, but even that is fading in short time.

It's so nice hearing that these things can just roll like that. It's just such an insane experience. I'm glad you're figuring things out!

I think you should talk to your therapist you have about it even if they don't originally deal with gender stuff it will help you feel better.

I would, but he's very old fashioned. I would like to just lay low for now, even if it's a pain. I'm going through other changes at the moment, which I need his support for. I want to be sure that I have it. I'm not sure where he stands on the issue, and taking risks is out of the question.
I'll be moving before the new year though. Hopefully things will look a little brighter by then.

And it's always nice to know you're not alone! This is the most awesome and supportive forum I've ever been on, and it's so relieving. Unloading on people who know what you're going through and can give advice is the best.

[Charlie Nicki]

I'm glad you guys are finding your way. My only advice, based on personal experience, is to not get carried away by the initial excitement and do things you might regret later. I know it's hard but it's better to take things slow and one step at a time.

I went full speed in 4 months, came out to everyone and started hormones. I recently stopped and I'm reconsidering everything.

Good luck to you all.


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[Jessica]

I hope I'm posting this in the right place.

This has been one hell of a ride already. Over the past seven days or so, I've had more internal conflicts than I've had in a long, long time. And that says a lot, to be frank. Although I'm still early in the process and haven't exactly found out where I feel comfortable yet, I still feel like I need to get some things off my chest. Just in hopes that someone can nod and tell me: "This is normal, you're okay."
I started sorting out in all my girls clothes today. My initial idea was to give it all away, but when I started looking through it, some part of me ended up making a "keep" pile - just in case. It's like I have this inner voice that, no matter how right it feels, keeps screaming at me. "You might regret it", "It's just a phase", "You're a girl, stop being silly", all kinds of evil stuff.

I got my first binder yesterday, and I love how it makes me look. It fits perfectly, but because it's a struggle to get off, my anxiety spikes a little when I wear it. I'm sure it's just a matter of practice - or getting one with velcro or a zipper instead.
I've also started subtly wearing a deodorant marketed towards men, and got some "manly" soaps. I enjoy using them, but there's still that voice in the back of my mind. It makes me doubt if this is really right, even though it feels like it. I keep reminding myself that it's only been a week and that no one expects anything of me, but I'm an impatient person with high expectations for myself - if that makes any sense.

Tonight I got a serious bout of... Something. I'm not sure if it was dysphoria, or what it was, but I had this urge to pop out of my own skin. I was so upset I could barely believe it. I've felt this way before, but I've always thought it was me hating my body "just because". Suddenly it doesn't feel like it's "just because" anymore.
At the same time it feels like I have this... "Phantom limb" that wasn't there before. I can't touch my breasts without feeling my heart sink a little.

What really freaks me out is how fast it's all happening. It's like someone flipped a switch. I'm not even done having the internal arguments yet, which leads me to believe that I'm fooling myself. I keep on having this fear that I am transgender, and at the same time I'm in the entire opposite corner, fearing that it is just a phase and that none of it is true. I need constant reassurance that I'm okay, and that there's nothing wrong with me (thank you to the very patient people in my life). It's like it's become an obsession to me, in a way I can't quite explain. It's like I'm having a one-sided crush or something. 

Takes deep breath.

Does any of this ring a bell to anyone, or am I going crazy?

Hi Daniela 🙋🏼 Your not going crazy.  I'm going through the same thing right now.  It's like my thoughts are scattered and unlogical, which is opposite of how I have been.  I've heard others describe it as feeling like falling down the stairs, helpless to stop, until it does, which I've heard happens.  I'm not there yet, I still feel the chaos.
Keeping my head above the water 🙋🏼 Jessica

[Jessica]

I'm glad you guys are finding your way. My only advice, based on personal experience, is to not get carried away by the initial excitement and do things you might regret later. I know it's hard but it's better to take things slow and one step at a time.

I went full speed in 4 months, came out to everyone and started hormones. I recently stopped and I'm reconsidering everything.

Good luck to you all.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So true Daniela, I'm taking the slower route too, but my breasts are saying something different.
🙆 Jessica

[Charlie Nicki]

So true Daniela, I'm taking the slower route too, but my breasts are saying something different.
[emoji134] Jessica

Hey Jess, nice to hear from you again! I'll PM you.


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[DawnOday]

Sure we all have doubts, mostly because of other people and there prejudices and their misplaced feelings on the subject. My suggestion is to find a support group. There is a list on the links button above. They are helpful in that they understand and can connect you with resources and participation in group sessions are so cathartic.  A gender therapist would probably be a help also in sorting out your concerns. 

[Rachel]

Hi, I am happy for you that your Dad is supportive and someone you can talk to. It really helps to be in community and find a support group, especially for you a trans masculine support group. There they can recommend a therapist they know and a place for further needs.

[EliCrow]

I'm glad you guys are finding your way. My only advice, based on personal experience, is to not get carried away by the initial excitement and do things you might regret later.

I'm not so worried about that. I made an agreement with myself to keep it within my own little circle until earliest January/February of next year. And where I live you can't even get the prescription for hormones until you've gone to the sexology clinic and lived as your preferred gender for at least a year. Even if I were to get caught up in the eagerness, it wouldn't make much of a difference. There's no hole in that law, for the exact reason that people might regret transitioning.

Your not going crazy.  I'm going through the same thing right now.  It's like my thoughts are scattered and unlogical, which is opposite of how I have been.  I've heard others describe it as feeling like falling down the stairs, helpless to stop, until it does, which I've heard happens.  I'm not there yet, I still feel the chaos.
Keeping my head above the water 🙋🏼 Jessica

It's just a crazy ride, I suppose. Thank you for putting my mind at ease, Jessica.

Sure we all have doubts, mostly because of other people and there prejudices and their misplaced feelings on the subject. My suggestion is to find a support group. There is a list on the links button above. They are helpful in that they understand and can connect you with resources and participation in group sessions are so cathartic.  A gender therapist would probably be a help also in sorting out your concerns.

Thank you for your advice! A support group sounds like a really good idea, I'll probably do that. A gender therapist is sadly a little harder to get for me, but I can't not talk to one if I want to start transitioning at some point. I feel like I have some other issues that need solving first, but I'll take things up again in the new year!

Hi, I am happy for you that your Dad is supportive and someone you can talk to. It really helps to be in community and find a support group, especially for you a trans masculine support group. There they can recommend a therapist they know and a place for further needs.

I feel so lucky to have him. He is my rock in all of this. He told me yesterday that I seem to have calmed down a lot (I have huge anxiety issues) since I started questioning. It might sound weird, but "it's like you rest a little more within yourself" was what he said. I'll follow the advice of joining a support group. That sounds like a really good idea.

Thank you all, for all of your support and advice. It really helps!

[MaxForever]

I too am caught up in the eagerness to get hormones I am not sure why. I am thinking about this for a bit before going on them though. My next therapist visit is in October and might get my letter for recomondation for hormones but I am thinking in the wait. I know it is the right thing though because I don't feel comfortable in this body anymore.

[DawnOday]

Eli  There are Therapists online via Skype if you can't find one close to you.