sick of feeling isolated

[meatwagon]

in almost every aspect of life, one thing that is consistent for me is the feeling of loneliness.  whenever i start talking to someone online, they stop replying to me, despite clearly being active elsewhere, after a few conversations.  i try to share things and ask for input from others, but i almost never get any.  and of course, it's even harder to connect with anyone in person because of the whole gender thing.  but that must not be my only problem, because even the anonymity of the internet doesn't allow me to maintain any lasting friendships--or even conversations.  i never feel like i fit in anywhere.  i don't share other people's interests and experiences, and no matter how friendly or talkative i am, it seems like almost everyone eventually just stops talking to me without so much as a word on what i did to drive them off.  even with the whole trans thing, i don't feel like i have any room to comment anywhere.  i haven't gotten any sort of treatment; my "trans experience" is limited to the negative things that come with a life of isolation, the thought of treatment being a distant dream, and an utter lack of support.  i've got a couple of friends, but i never actually get to spend time with them and do normal friend things.  we can only really talk online these days, and when they're not around, i'm just totally alone.  i'm terrible at making friends and i don't even know why.  i guess i'm just really boring or really annoying or something.  i could accept being rejected in person, given my looks and all that, but how is it that even online no one wants to be around me?  i do try, and i'm always the last one to have said anything before falling out of contact with someone.  i hold up my end and they just... get tired of me.  seems to happen every single time, when i'm not being ignored altogether.  i don't know what it is about me that is so off-putting, but it feeds into this cycle of losing my confidence and avoiding any attempts at meeting people because i have just come to expect that nothing will come of it.  and when the loneliness finally gets too much and i do try again, it happens just as predicted. 

maybe it's the fact that i have no life, or that the life i do have is so unpleasant that i never have anything good or new to say about it.  but sticking to topics of shared interests doesn't work, either.  i've never felt like i "belonged" in any sort of community.  i've been on some sites for years and still have no friends there.  what am i doing wrong?

that question is mostly rhetorical, since i realize this is one of those sites i've been on and still don't know anyone... but advice is still welcome.

[Devlyn]

It's not easy making friends. Friends don't have to talk all the time, though. Quality of conversation far outweighs quantity.

If you go into a situation expecting it to fail, well.....of course it will fail.

Friendship isn't something you can plan out, it just happens.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Kylo]

maybe it's the fact that i have no life, or that the life i do have is so unpleasant that i never have anything good or new to say about it.  but sticking to topics of shared interests doesn't work, either.  i've never felt like i "belonged" in any sort of community.  i've been on some sites for years and still have no friends there.  what am i doing wrong?

I don't know you or your life, but this sounds like a likely culprit. One of the mistakes I made in the past was not being social enough, not actually going out and making new friends or being open enough to new experiences, and fixating upon my own depression when with other people. If you live an insular life, nothing new and fulfilling will happen to you. You must get out there. To get a better life, you must have a plan to make it better, and execute it. You must not be too intense or needy with people or they will not be comfortable with you, and don't try to share too much with them until you have 'earned' the respect or trust level that 'entitles' you to do so. One of those unwritten rules of life. The other seems to be that people don't enjoy sharing negativity, so try to be upbeat, try to make jokes and smile and be strong even if you're in the grinder... you'll find people admire and enjoy that and find it an attractive quality more than they will probably like to admit. And if you wish for it and try to make it happen, one day you just might find you're the person you were striving to be.   

Regards people in general - yes, they can be flighty and easily bored if they're not solid friends or acquaintances. One thing you should probably work towards is not actually needing people or their validation. We all need some sort of human contact and socialization, but I do think there's a point at which one should remember personal happiness is our own responsibility - not someone else's. You won't actually find enough of it from people if you cannot get at least some of it from yourself. This I learned "the hard way". 

[meatwagon]

getting out more isn't really much of an option at this point, which is why i focus more on shared interests; i don't just start bombarding strangers with my crappy life story or anything like that.  people who don't know me don't know those things unless they're actually relevant to what we're talking about.  but one would think talking about shared interests, with the other person seeming equally invested in the conversation, wouldn't have a record of ending in people suddenly disappearing, never to return.  i don't know if i gave that impression in my OP but i don't get needy or clingy or depressed when talking to new people.  even when i do only have negative things to say, i am usually pretty light-hearted about them, and i can't stand to dwell on a single topic forever. 
just the fact that this has happened so often, with people disappearing mid-conversation when things seemed to be going well, and not saying a word... and no, i don't mean within one day.  i'm not that desperate.  i mean when weeks have gone by and the person has been active talking to others/doing other things, your last message has been read but not replied to, and you finally realize they don't intend to respond.  am i just that forgettable?  it makes me feel really off-putting, like i've done something to unintentionally offend them, but i can't imagine i'm that inherently offensive, either.  i've been tempted to just ask some of these people where they went, but doing that does sound clingy--even so it wouldn't bother me if someone asked me the same thing because i am genuinely forgetful. 
i'm not really sure why i made the thread, i guess just to vent, because without seeing the conversations in question or knowing the people involved, it's kind of impossible to say for sure what it is that keeps happening.  though with my luck in every other aspect of life, i'm starting to think most of them really did just forget.

it'd just be a lot easier not to worry whether or not i'm scaring people away (or boring them to death) if i weren't alone most of the time with no one to talk or relate to.

[Kylo]

getting out more isn't really much of an option at this point

Why not?

In that case it might just be something as simple as the way you communicate. Do you communicate well? There are some who aren't as skilled as others doing it and come off as nervous or dull that others will break off conversation thinking you don't actually want to talk to them. What about the topics you talk about and do you give the other person a chance to engage within the conversation? Talking too much or too little can also put people off, as well as dominating a conversation and talking too much about yourself or seeming to be too curious. I suppose conversation really is a skill or an art form when you think about it.

That said, it could just be that these people you talk to are rude and nothing more. You might just have been particularly unlucky with the ones you've met in real life. People are not finding you off putting here, and are happy to engage with you here, so it's either the people you hang with, or something specific to your manner of conversation.

(I find people in general are usually less aware of conversational etiquette than I am. My family members seem to think they don't have to make time because I'll "always be there" and the same can be said for some of the friends I deal with. In other words, I'm taken very much for granted, and they just waltz off in the middle of things to go an do this or that. I find it happens more often in the digital age than before everyone had a phone and a laptop. People weren't distracted every 5 seconds by needing to check their tumblr or whatever. I just have to make sure if I'm looking for a proper conversation to state that I'm making time for it, so they should too.)

[elkie-t]

People don't like hanging out with depressed persons, nor constantly listen to problems.

The best way to break loneliness is to start a new hobby, find a group of likeminded meetings and start meeting with them on a regular basis. Slowly, you might make a small conversation here or there about not the hobby but something else. Another thing is to be active in your community, or to start going to a local church, or gym. You don't have to be lonely if you're willing to invest efforts into social capital.


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[AlexisRene]

I don't know you or your life, but this sounds like a likely culprit. One of the mistakes I made in the past was not being social enough, not actually going out and making new friends or being open enough to new experiences, and fixating upon my own depression when with other people. If you live an insular life, nothing new and fulfilling will happen to you. You must get out there. To get a better life, you must have a plan to make it better, and execute it.

We all need some sort of human contact and socialization, but I do think there's a point at which one should remember personal happiness is our own responsibility - not someone else's. You won't actually find enough of it from people if you cannot get at least some of it from yourself. This I learned "the hard way".

Am guilty of the same above. I became self employed about 10 years ago in an insular sort of job with no employees. So any contact was with clients via phone/email etc. Over the years as money became tighter, I stayed home more so that the business would have money. Long story short, it is easy to fall out of touch with old friends.

Life moves faster than we give credit to & people are busy between jobs, families, children, obligations, new interests etc. So it is difficult to sometimes find new interests that are both intriguing & social.

Am now moving away from self employment & into a more normal employee type job with co workers. Hope to at least be somewhat more social. Knowing it will be difficult as it will be change & change is not always comfortable. I just have to remember that comfortable(for me) = insular & alone.

Do wish the op the best as my phone has been quiet for the past 3 days. Not one call nor text. So I completely understand being on my own...