Not passing and still happy?

[Bari Jo]

Hello, it's been bugging me about the possibility of passing or not passing.  I am far from passing currently, having just been on hrt 2.5 months and being 46 when starting, 47 now.  Is this something I should worry about now?  For those more expert in the transition process, I'd love to get a pm and send you some pics of me currently.  Tell me what you think hrt would do for me.

[kelly_aus]

The genetics factor makes it hard to make any real comments about what HRT might do for you. At best, generalisations are that could be made.

[Laurie]

Hi Bari Jo,

if that is you in your avatar picture and I think it is. You already look pretty good to me. 2.5 months is nothng in the scheme of what HRT may do for you. Wait 2.5 years and the look in that mirror again and ask.

Hugs,
Laurie

[Harley Quinn]

I'd be glad to help, if you like. I have been around a makeup brush or 2.

[warlockmaker]

At 2.5 months on HRT it has not even taken its path yet. Your forum pic looks good, and passing is more your behavior, walk, gestures, manners, and feeling comfortable as to who you are. Start looking at how females walk and video yourself. Then voice lessons and manners. Physically, start facial hair removal asap, the body hairs will disappear. Keep fit with areobic exercises, the muscle mass will significantly lessen.

After a couple of years on hrt and you find you need a BA get it done as you should have enough fatty breast tissue from HRT to look natural. Hip and butt implants are safe and look outstanding. Ffs for that youth and any touch ups you need. At 46 you have all the time in the world and HRT is kinda the fountain of youth.

[Nina]

I must be in the minority, but I believe self confidence and time wins out over surgeries?
First couple years in transition, I looked at going to Korea for voice, looked into every surgery possible out there.
As year 3 began, something hit me: confidence and belief in who I saw in the mirror. Long gone were the self critiques. As each day passed, my confidence zoomed.
10 years later since I began living full time, I've never been "clocked," nor a negative comment. I haven't been blessed with female features.
I've been able to attain enough boobage from hormones...B size which is fine. I know so, because guys instinctively stare at them.
In the end, I've spent money in only two areas that caused the greatest concern/dysphoria: electrolysis and a tracheal shave. My GCS was free...so that didn't count.

What I'm trying to say is, at least for me, no amount of surgeries would have made me feel more of a woman. Nor, HRT. What did work, was walking the walk, smiling a lot, and not critiquing myself anymore. I am who I am.

Please, I'm not invalidating those who spend money on surgeries. All the power to you.

Nina

[Bari Jo]

Hi Bari Jo,

if that is you in your avatar picture and I think it is. You already look pretty good to me. 2.5 months is nothng in the scheme of what HRT may do for you. Wait 2.5 years and the look in that mirror again and ask.

Hugs,
Laurie

The avatar is what faceapp says I'd look like if I was a girl.  I like using it because that's what I feel like and it's a good goal.  What it doesn't show is brow bossing, my big nose.  It kinda shows my hairline, but looks way more receded in profile.  Front on shots are so much more forgiving. 

Maybe I should stop using that pict in the forums so people don't think I'm that feminine looking.  I still have a goatie even;(

Thanks Harley, I will send you a couple Picts.

I know it's early, and I do love the effects of HRT so far.  Maybe this is just jitters before I get pellets.

Updated avatar to be me from a couple years ago.  Shows profile, nose and hairline.

[Harley Quinn]

Use any photo you're comfortable with. You can always PM with links to pictures. Not a big deal... it's all good in this hood. 😉

[Bari Jo]

Thanks Harley.  I'll probably go back to the other pict.  I hate looking at my male face:(  off to pellets!

Bari Jo

[Kendra]

I am comfortable talking about what has worked for me and that doesn't require any back and forth photos. 

The most important thing I started on is still a work in progress today, and that is self confidence and mannerisms. 

Right after that is facial hair.  I am soooo glad I started permanently solving that right after I started.  My point of view is no amount of surgery can hide stubble.  I realize both cost money but the recovery time from surgery is relatively fast.  When I started out, I hated reading about 2 to 3 years to get rid of facial hair forever but then I realized if I had started two years earlier I'd be about done with that.  So I started.

Voice is important and takes time regardless of surgery, since VFS helps pitch but that's only one of several factors.  People identify a person's voice through a bunch of factors incuding resonance and articulation, the specific shape/sound of certain words, and even your choice of words - things that take time to learn and don't show up in a photo.  I listen carefully to radio announcers and have noticed some who are apparently female have a relatively low or neutral pitch, and some who are apparently male are in the same pitch range but sound very different. 

I was not able to pass at all until I became more self-confident.  Things became much easier once I realized I get to come up with my own definition of passing, and if someone else doesn't like my definition I don't care.

[Nina]

I was not able to pass at all until I became more self-confident.  Things became much easier once I realized I get to come up with my own definition of passing, and if someone else doesn't like my definition I don't care.

In my opinion, perfectly said.

[Bari Jo]

Thanks everybody.  I've gotten some good suggestions and some recommendations including their own doctors.  You are correct, my confidence isn't there right now.  I think the longer I'm on HRT, the more I'll have.  I did just get pellets today and knowing that this is four plus months of e in your system and constantly working is like a warm hug.

I will take everybody's comments and pms to heart and work toward the true me, even if it's slow baby steps.

I also changed back to the faceapp avatar, but added a tag line that it's faceapp.  Damn do I ever wish I looked that good.  Baby step indeed.

Bari Jo

[Dayta]

Hi Bari Jo,

I transitioned at work at 55, with 6 months of HRT under my belt, and into an environment where most of my colleagues have known me for at least 5 years, some as long as 20-30.  So I do my best to look my best, but I feel like I don't have the luxury of passing, at least for now.  Whenever we go out, I always assume that everyone that sees us, or serves our table, clocks me.  The truth is that some of them probably don't.  I can't really tell most of the time, and I'm trying not to feel condescended upon every time a server or cashier make a point to call us "ladies."

Some of the "basics," like HRT, laser/electrolysis, will make differences in your appearance, depending upon how lucky you are in the genetic lotto.  I'm 6 feet tall, and about 250 lbs, so it's going to be harder for me to blend in than someone who looks exactly like me but is otherwise 5'2" and 100 lbs.  That imaginary person I just mentioned, that I can't compare favorably to?  She doesn't exist.  So I don't sweat her anymore.  Concentrate on becoming the woman you're meant to be.  If she has surgery or other augmentation, that's great. 

My goal is now, try to have cis-woman problems.  I, for the most part, now have mostly the same kinds of problems that many cis-women have.  To me, that's pretty much the end of transition, or maybe the transition to evolution.  Talk to cis-women and find out how many love their bodies, their hair, their partners, their jobs...

I suppose my final word is "Who is going to decide when you're good enough?"  You're never going to pass your own scrutiny.  The people closest to you, the ones who know your story, you'll never pass for them.  So are you trying to pass for people that you don't know?  How can you really know for sure whether you pass by them or not?  You are probably always going to be your own worst critic.  Just be sure to be kind to yourself, as your would for another. 

Erin

[Bari Jo]

Hi Dayta, like you I'm at year five at the job, so people have known me five years, but some have known me 25 plus years.  Transitioning, I know will go over fine there, and they will always know that I used to be a boy.  Some there have guessed correctly that I am transitioning anyway.  I have had male fail there and everywhere every so often.  One guy at work has been calling me 'skinny girl' as a term of endearment for six months. I don't mind it.  He was the first one that guessed correctly, after I started losing weight.  He only does this when we are alone, and it's not harassment.  He's very gay, and we are good friends.

My baby steps are to lose weight and the beard currently. I'll add a new items to the list as others drop off.  I'm not really a skinny girl yet at 155, but am on my way;). I'm 5'6", so did get one blessing.  I remember when I was told I'd only be that tall after some X-rays, I cried and cried, but see it as a blessing now.

Starting to ramble, should get some sleep;)

[JustJenny]

Bari Jo,

I'm brand new here, but I have to say that you totally pass in your profile pic. If I were to see your pic on any other site, it wouldn't even occur to me that you might be trans. I'd just assume, without even thinking about it, that you were cis.

Jenny

[Bari Jo]

Bari Jo,

I'm brand new here, but I have to say that you totally pass in your profile pic. If I were to see your pic on any other site, it wouldn't even occur to me that you might be trans. I'd just assume, without even thinking about it, that you were cis.

Jenny

That's kind of you to say Jenny, my profile avatar was made with FaceApp, an android app you can change your gender.  I can see this only causes confusion, so I'm changing it back to another pre hrt one I'm comfortable with.  I only wish I looked as good as the faceapp me.

Bari Jo

[Bari Jo]

Changed again to faceapp.  This is a 3/4 and is probably what is achievable just with makeup and growing my hair out alone.  I'm hoping hrt, electrolysis, and maybe a corrected hairline I can pass.

Here's the before and after...



https://www.dropbox.com/s/dk8ti17xit6zpez/FaceApp_1505272859898_20170912202833528.jpg?dl=0

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Dayta, like you I'm at year five at the job, so people have known me five years, but some have known me 25 plus years.  Transitioning, I know will go over fine there, and they will always know that I used to be a boy.  Some there have guessed correctly that I am transitioning anyway.  I have had male fail there and everywhere every so often.  One guy at work has been calling me 'skinny girl' as a term of endearment for six months. I don't mind it.  He was the first one that guessed correctly, after I started losing weight.  He only does this when we are alone, and it's not harassment.  He's very gay, and we are good friends.

My baby steps are to lose weight and the beard currently. I'll add a new items to the list as others drop off.  I'm not really a skinny girl yet at 155, but am on my way;). I'm 5'6", so did get one blessing.  I remember when I was told I'd only be that tall after some X-rays, I cried and cried, but see it as a blessing now.

Starting to ramble, should get some sleep;)

I am 5'7" and around 160 lbs, 54 years old and on hormones 15 months and I pass easily or slip under the radar.  Today while I was stuck in traffic some old guy on the sidewalk was staring at my chest.  I swear, you go a year on hormones and no one will gender you male even if you dress like a plumber.

[Bari Jo]

I am 5'7" and around 160 lbs, 54 years old and on hormones 15 months and I pass easily or slip under the radar.  Today while I was stuck in traffic some old guy on the sidewalk was staring at my chest.  I swear, you go a year on hormones and no one will gender you male even if you dress like a plumber.

Carly, you made me snort at the plumber comment.  I hope to pass, as it would make things easier.  I don't think I could stop HRT if I wanted to.  GD was getting to great, so HRT from now on.  I'm thinking be on nearly a year and transition everywhere even work.

Btw, I'm also SoCal.  If you'd ever like to meet for coffee, I'd love to expand my circle.  Send me a pm;)

[Alyssa M.]

When I started transitioning — over eight years ago now — I assumed I would never pass. So far that assumption has been borne out. Someone I just met recently misgendered me. Well, ->-bleeped-<-. OTOH, I got ma'amed on the phone and I know there are times I have been seen as a cis woman (e.g., people have told me they didn't know I was trans). So passing is a spectrum, and you can't even know for sure where you lie on it.

Whatever. I know some totally hot trans women who I read as trans. There's nothing wrong with that. I was looking at some really old photos of myself (pre-transition). Damn, I was actually kind of cute as a guy. I thought I looked like a freak, but you know, that's because I saw a guy in the mirror and that was not me. And holy crap, I was so miserable. Am I as conventionally attractive as a woman as I was as a man before I transitioned? Probably not. But so what?

I'm generally happy, through ups and downs, and I can look in the mirror without nearly as much pain as I used to experience. I'm surrounded by supportive community, colleagues, friends, and family. I still think about gender a lot, but I'm pretty okay with how gender interacts with my life.

So to answer your question of whether this is something you should worry about: In a word, no.