The worst dream ever

[SailorMars1994]

Ok It is jus before 3 am EST and I woke up from the worst dream I have probably ever had. Please is this a sign or can I just brush this off as an over active mind??

In my dream I was myself, a girl! and for once I am in a dream where i can feel female (as opposed to genderless or in the past, male :/ ). Life goes on its way and i go onto facebook and somehow go onto a ''people you may know thing'' I see my dead name and a picture of what i kinda looked like a long time ago. I brush it off at first as odd, then I forgte what happens but then I go on my ways and later go back to that name that must be a fake. I take a look that profile and come across and look  at old photos from what i used to look like and and in shock and feel creeped and digusted. Someone, somewhere has my old idenity and is making names. Probablt trying to stalk me slowly. Also, god knows what someone is doing with my dead idenity. The idea in my dream that I missed it was not there I was happy the old life was gone... still, I was terrified in my dream that I have a stalker and what next they may do. Somehhow I get to a place I called ''home'', and things seemed to get calm after I told someone this then I went to see one of my aunts I have not seen much or talked to much in my life. I ask her how her house was selling and she seemed kinda not warm and fuzzy as she normally is but overly tot he point and said it is selling but also , out of the blue ''Sometimes our bodies are given to us without logic or reason but it is for something'' and ''sometimes the devil  tries decivie through BDSM'' (not sure what BDSM is all about  in regards to dream but it came up....). I didnt ''click'' on it first then I notices my mind ''click'' into this idea she is telling me I have to be male </3... My dream went from being in a near panic mode that someone is resureccting dead identity and trying to create something new out of it, probably using it for bad or illegal reasons but then at the end of the dream the once terrifing thought of a stalker turns into a weird pep talk that makes me doubt self and think this is now a sign from a god I havent beleived in for 4 years telling me ''tough ,I created you a certian way'', basically my dream went from super creepy and bad to worse as I woke in as said, in panic and disgust.

It is worth mentioning that I am not really religious, I grew up with a fear of god/hell ect yes, but I thought I shed past my more religious past.

I am shaking and afraid to go back to sleep. Is this an over active mind or is this a sign? I was doing so well, and now this dream has pushe dme back months of progress. Is this a sign I am doomed to be a man and never be a female?

I noticed yestarday I was thinking of being a parent and parenting like a female, but the idea of being called ''mom'' is still super new. I can rasie a child like a mother but being called one itself (something that would be of honour) would be taking some adjusting, also I had to go back to many years ago to re-do old applications I applied to and saw, much to my suprise and annoyance  my dead name, first, middle and last. Maybe that added into it.

typing out the thing that isnt my dream, the trying to reason it was seeing my borth name from 2 or 3 years ago as being a contributer to my night-mare (that was no dream) and thinking about living as a woman as a mom (even tho that title still is a new think to be called one day, the wrapping of head) has stopped the shaking and given me  a calm, I guess a post shell-shock. But still that was an overly powerful dream and once again, I am the only trans person i know that has been so filled with doubt and shame it made me question if my desires are real or just a mere want (as you all know) and this dream, like who has dreams like this. I am shedding away an ideneity I hated having to live like and now I get dreams that I guess are telling me ''too bad. go back''. Now, typing this I feel a noticablely more anxious then I did when I can be at peace with femininity and future life as myself, but now my own dreams seem to be saying dont be yourself, just get over it and do what you have to do for whatever reason.


Im going to try and relax, but I can only relax now when happy and that is due to me being me... so now having a drema telling me that I guess I gotta be ''him'' is a not only a nightmare but paraylizing of my future growth. I hate this crap.

[Laurie]

Ashley,

  I'm one of those that do not give dreams much credence. If I took my dreams as signs I would be completely neutrotic by now. Get up, got pee, get a drink of water and go back to sleep.    LOL There is a reason I give you that advice, Pretty much the only dream I have are nightmares and they always serve one purpose... They wake me up so I don't pee my bed. I always need to take a potty break. The a drink of water and back to sleep.
   You're okay and no my dear you are still the girl you were when you went to bed.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you Laurie. That is the train of thought I am trying to stick too. Where if I had this dream in say Janurary I would be freaking out that this reall is a ''sign'', I am not being as apoctiplic and realizing it is just a nightmare. Still, a very powerful one. I am calming down alot and plan to sleep again soon (hey, so should you silly girl!) but that really wasnt a funny dream.

I been talking it over with a great friend of mine from the UK and it probably is due to stress, seeing dead name, that fact i had like 5 big arse cups of caffine and loads of fatty and junk food yetarday too (mega cheat day i feel bad about), and other stressers is what is probably the culprit. Still, being haunted by a dream stalker or then having my Aunt who in real life isnt even that religous, if at all tell me somethig so random, biazrre and super erie was cause for an alarm bell. I have had some whacked dreams the past few years, but that was wayy to disturbing.

But I have to live in observable reality, I am happy as a girl, living and moving forward! and now even my dreams are letting me live as a woman there too as opposed to genderless at best. It is the best feeling when I look at it through that. I think it is time to give sleep another shot, not going to lie Ii am a bit high strung and still uncomfortable about that night mare but hey, one in a million eh? thanks for the input!

[Bari Jo]

Ashley, I wouldn't worry about this dream or really any dream.  I don't think there's any deeper meaning to dreams even though it's fun to assign them to dreams.  It's more snippets of memories thrown into a tat and then somehow forcing a narrative to these snippets, even if the narrative makes no sense.  I used to dream that I was going to be mauled by a giant dog on my way home.  The home became different locations but still the mauling was there.  It wasn't until I realized that the look of the mauling looked a lot like an American werewolf in London, that I was able to let this dream go.  At that point I knew if was just a dumb memory.  The worst dreams I ever had were from the movie Doc Savage the man of bronze.  There were these green snakes that were like vapor, and would attack people.  I saw these in my dreams and sometimes even when I was awake for weeks after this film.  My parents would just laugh when seeing this making my anxiety grow.  Eventually I realized it was just my brain doing its own silly things.  I was 7, btw for this, but still remember the fear!

[azarath99]

Yeah, you can totally ignore Freudian psychology. Your dreams generally don't carry any meaning. If my dreams had such important meanings, then i'd see myself as a pretty messed up person. I have had some really messed up dreams that made me question my own desires to the point of utter repulsion. But at the end of the day, those dreams are not real. just your subconscious putting random thoughts and ideas together during your REM cycle.

[LizK]

I don't put much stock in their meaning but I still occasionally have nightmares that will leave me shaken for a few days. They are so infrequent these days and I have stopped remembering them with the exception on the rare occasion that I do remember them.

Early in my transition I was having heaps of really horrible vivid dreams that make Stephen king look tame....they are like the junk food of your mind being put in the trash. It does not remove how they feel or the impact they can have on how you feel.

They are however pretty much meaningless despite the powerful messages they appear to send.

[MaryT]

I don't believe that dreams are omens but they do have meaning.  God may not be communicating with you but your subconscious sometimes is.  I would ignore dreams unless they persistently give your waking mind unease, in which case you might seek counselling (another case of do as I say, not as I do).

I did discover recently that some dreams might be physically dangerous.  I dreamed that I was running at super speed and I awoke to find that my heart was beating at super speed.  It took a while to become normal and I dread it happening again, as my heart can't be getting stronger with age.

I think that some of our memories of real life may be memories of realistic dreams.  While I was caring for my mother, her little dog used to jump on my bed in the mornings and greet me.  It died while my mother was still alive, but even after it died it sometimes jumped on my bed to greet me while I was waking up.  Obviously I was just having hypnagogic hallucinations or "waking dreams", but I wonder whether I was also dreaming when it happened while the dog was alive.

One of my worst dreams was actually very nice.  In the late 1980s I dreamed that I woke up in hospital and the doctors told me that they had mistakenly given me a sex change, and that my new name would be Demi (strange, as I always wanted to be Mary, but I am a Demi Moore fan).  Then I woke up to find that I still had my male bits.  How cruel is that?

I will just add something that I do to avoid bad dreams, something that I had neglected to do when I woke up with tachycardia.  I have an mp3 player next to my bed, playing comedy shows and my favourite music while I am asleep.  There is no absolute guarantee, but I very rarely have nightmares when I do that.

[SadieBlake]

What I've learned about dreams is that's your unconscious mind working through things. I don't think they're something that can be analyzed per se, however if I think a dream is important I look at how I felt in it.

I think it's wonderful that you dreamed as female (that's something I've hardly ever done) and as for the troubling nature I would not want to worry. Obviously you've been working through a lot of conflict and it wouldn't surprise you that feelings or guilt from a religious upbringing leave traces with you.

Hugs, don't over think it and let us know if you have more thoughts hon

[Sarah_P]

In general, dreams are just random bits of information your brain runs through as it's defragging itself during sleep.
I'm actually kind of amazed at people who so vividly remember dreams. I can remember a total of 2. Most of my dreams are just hazy blurs or something I completely forget within seconds of waking.

[MaryT]

Dreams do contain a lot of random stuff but sometimes there is a very consistent and realistic narrative.  I often wake up when the narrative eventually becomes inconsistent, illogical or scary, and that is usually when I remember the dream.  I read somewhere that if you wake up after you are no longer in the dream state (usually in the REM stage) you will not remember the dream.

In my own experience, dreams often reflect my hopes and fears, so I cannot describe them as meaningless, although they may be pointless.

I once read an article about controlling one's own dreams and I did have one successful attempt.  In my mind I tried to imagine that I was flying, and I kept it up until I did fall asleep.  I then had a vivid dream of flying over a forest.

Since I was 12, I have occasionally dreamt that I have left my body.  I can pass through glass windows but am scared to go through walls, as there is too much resistance.  Sights are familiar but the colours are strange.  Lobsang Rampa would have said that this was "astral travel".  However, I never had the experience until AFTER I read his book The Third Eye.  Also, I never discover anything during the "astral travel" that I did not already know.  Clearly, my dreams can be greatly influenced by what I have read, so I wouldn't call it all randomness.

[Kylo]

It's just a dream.

Dreams usually contain subconscious anxieties a person has.

I have dreams often about my body being a cause for persecution. Am I afraid of that happening? Pretty much. I don't obsess over it, but it's a background concern that comes out when my brain gets to call the shots. Maybe it'll go away when I'm beyond transition. Maybe not.

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you so so so much everyone! from the bottom of my heart I say that. Since abotu 430 AM EST when I decdied to go back to sleep I tried not to let it bother me. I didnt read into it (as has been the problem in the past) and went about my day normally. I think my emotions are a bit all over the place today probably due largley to lack of sleep, or it could be that random time I get all emotional. Since taking HRT I have noticed moments of not being emotionally unstable but rather more intune with feelings (fears, joy, sorrow,ect) at times then ever. I felt really good singing to Olivia Newton Johns ''Physical'' song today, then got all fuzzy looking at dogs and wanted to bawl my eyes out after reading about Rosemary Kennedy's life (I love JFK, but his dad.. omg, will have to take opinions to another site before I get banned). Still given lack of sleep and being tired, amazing day!

Again, if I did have the voices of reason you all have given me through out this past year and especially today I would be crashing and burning again. Im going to tackle the sleeping routine

[SailorMars1994]

It's just a dream.

Dreams usually contain subconscious anxieties a person has.

I have dreams often about my body being a cause for persecution. Am I afraid of that happening? Pretty much. I don't obsess over it, but it's a background concern that comes out when my brain gets to call the shots. Maybe it'll go away when I'm beyond transition. Maybe not.

Holy cow, where have you been this past little while. Though you have kinda said what everyone else here has said (again thank you everyone), the way you said it really struck me in the good way. I still wonder how I can get past subconsious anxieties.. they been in the brain for too long. Issue is, sometimes I dont even know whast the worst

[Kylo]

Well, you can't get past them by the rationalizing yourself out of them... not unless you're able to rationalize yourself into belief about those things. I think what you need to do is move past that phase in life, and then the brain will let them go naturally. In the same way I had nightmares about different sorts of things in different phases of life, the subconscious anxieties shifted over time and some of them just died away completely.

It's the point at which the emotional inner life of the brain overcomes something, which is not usually an overnight or swift process. Like how you might logically understand something perfectly, but until your inner emotions are aligned with it, it may still cause you issues... until the emotional and subconscious part of the brain is also in agreement that something is not a problem, it will remain a problem 'under the skin'. The fastest way to deal with that is to deal with the root causes and get yourself into good life habits that move you away from your fears and build self-confidence. I believe almost any subconscious problem can be overcome, but it does take time. I have virtually no self-doubt about myself, my dreams don't revolve around my identity ever, I guess because of a result of years of getting to know myself in the mind and figuring out exactly who I am. My subconscious problems just seem to be with the idea of being outed in a hostile or sexual situation. I figure there's not much to be done about that if it happened, so those issues won't go away for me. But issues of self can always be resolved.