"I gave you that name" - dealing with parents, assuaging their grief?

[Jenny94]

Hey guys! It's that time of the week again and I've got a new issue. I've come home (to my parents) for a few days, and I was in the car with mum earlier, talking about stuff. She's not opposed to talking about trans stuff, but definitely becomes evasive and tearful whenever we get into details or plans about moving forward with my transition. Basically my being trans was a shock to her (and me), I'm her only son, and we're super close. So I took the plunge this afternoon and told her I was thinking of changing my name. And well, see the title. I said I'd keep my birthname as a middle name (which works for a girl if we remove a letter), a concession I don't really want to make, but even so it's not enough. The thing is, the legal change of name (which is easy here in the UK) is the "evidence" used by the government as the starting point of my living as a woman. This means that basically, I can't legally change my gender until two years after my name change.

In short, I don't have time for this emotional crap, because Joe is dying a death and Jenny is taking over pretty quick, and I need to change my name as soon as possible to start the clock ticking. So how can I help my mum to catch up? When I think of causing her grief by making these changes before she's ready...it almost makes me not want to transition. (Don't take this as me saying I don't totally need to.) I just want some way of making her understand that me transitioning is not the same thing as me dying.

TLDR - just read the last sentence.

Thanks guys! Please share your own experiences. xx

[Kendra]

A few days ago I told my parents I am changing my first name to Kendra and I asked them to choose my new middle name.  Their choice (Faye) was a surprise to me, I like it and that is what I will legally change to.

[Devlyn]

Big Hug!

A. She'll get over it.

B. Parents have the right to name people ...until the people are eighteen, then they're free to name themselves.

A lady at work was telling me how her daughter (who lives in Israel) changed her American name to a name more fitting to the culture she now lives in. I can't pronounce it, it starts with an H, and this woman had made a bag for her daughter and told me how she wanted to use the original initial S that she had given her daughter, but "caved" and put an H on the bag. She felt that she was being all gracious by doing that.

I looked her right in the eye and said "Not using someone's chosen name is disrespectful. A slip is fine if you've known the person a long time, but deliberately using the old name is not right."

Show your Mom my post if you want.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Lady Sarah]

Neither the first not middle name I had would be suitable for a female. I had been named after my father, whom tried to kill me when I was a baby. I find myself fortunate that my mother has no problem with my present name. Most likely, she is relieved I did not keep the name he gave me.

[Kylo]

"What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

[Elis]

You have the right to choose a name you like and choose one that isn't a compromise to make your mum happy. You're the one that has to live with it day in day out and see it written on every bit of documentation/ID. It should be one that makes you smile when looking at it.

If you change your name now most probably your mum will adjust quicker to the reality of the situation.

[Megan.]

These steps are never fun in the process. I wanted to take my mum's middle name as my own too,  but didn't,  as she's blocked me from her life (her son is dead to her now), and I didn't want even more conflict.
Your mum has shown she's willing (with difficulty) to accept you,  there will be tuff moments,  this is one,  but in time,  it sounds hopeful she'll accept your new name. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[LizK]

It is difficult trying to get the balance between being firm enough for them to know you are serious about your name and not hurting them. My father does not even try and use my new name and he somehow thinks this is acceptable but it has consequences...I don't want to talk to him so our contact is limited and the more he uses it the less want contact with him. If it is now at the point where it is starting to have an impact on your life then it might be time for you move forward on your own decision. Good Luck

[Jenny94]

Thank you everyone!!

B. Parents have the right to name people ...until the people are eighteen, then they're free to name themselves.

I guess you're right. If I were changing my name to Ed or James or Pete, I guess they'd have to deal with that too, so in some sense, how is this different?

If you change your name now most probably your mum will adjust quicker to the reality of the situation.

Yeah, perhaps. I think I might just do it and then tell her later. Make it out as "not a big deal".

Your mum has shown she's willing (with difficulty) to accept you,  there will be tuff moments,  this is one,  but in time,  it sounds hopeful she'll accept your new name. X

I hope so. We've already gone further in terms of acceptance than I first expected.

My father does not even try and use my new name and he somehow thinks this is acceptable but it has consequences...I don't want to talk to him so our contact is limited and the more he uses it the less want contact with him.

I think my dad will be the same. I have never been able to talk to him about anything, least of all this. The though that he will ever refer to me as "she" seems ludicrous. But I guess we'll see.

Thanks again guys. ^_^