Feeling Empty

[MaxForever]

So I am not sure if others felt this before they have gone on hormones but I feel like an empty vessel
like an empty soul or whatever that feeling is today. It has only been 2 months since I figured out I am transgender.
And I am starting to feel empty like I have no gender or like my soul is wanting to be who it wants to be but cannot yet.
Not sure if that is normal but it is sad.

[Charlotte F]

Yes Max, I know exactly what you mean.  From the time I finally had clarity on what I wanted, the wait for HRT seemed like an eternity.  It's that feeling of not fitting either gender but also for me I just lost interest in everything.  My job was no longer satisfying,  the sports and hobbies that I have loved all my life started to become tedious, even trying to maintain relationships with my family was a chore.  In many ways it was easier before I decided to transition, at least then I could kid myself I was male and that somehow things might work themselves out on their own.  I guess it's a feeling of disillusionment from knowing what you want but that goal seeming to be so far out of reach

It does get better though, when my prescription finally came through there was a psychological change before I even popped a pill - some massive sense of relief and overwhelming sense of hope.  Having been on HRT now for two months I am in a much, much better place.  I'm calmer, far more positive and am starting to have a sense of purpose again.  Yes, I still have many bad days but at least I feel like my life has direction again.  Every step I take gets me closer to my end goal and reinforces that tough decisions I have taken will get me to where I want and need to be

[Kylo]

HRT can be very helpful in taking away some of the mental issues and anxieties that come from this.

[Rowena_Ellenweorc]

For me, this feeling of emptiness is definitely present now more than ever. For me, it comes from knowing that change is coming, even if I don't transition.  I wish I could transition, take HRT, etc. But to save my family, this may not be possible.
I feel like if there were no other circumstances, it would still be present, because frankly, you now have knowledge there IS something you can do, but aren't doing yet.

[MaxForever]

Thanks guys waiting on getting the hormones as soon as I can. I have an appointment with my gender therapist in October to get the letter to refer me for the hormones. I too feel the lost of interest in some hobbies such as video gaming I would start to play and be like meh... I feel not a lot makes me feel better. I know my body is meant to have this change I am hating the waiting but I know others have waited longer. I will hang in there. I know by November and Christmas my changes will be starting so I am looking forward to it more than anything. I hate giving up some things in my life that makes me sad that came with this body (hard to explain that one I cosplay and I don't want to wear certain costumes when I am a boy). But I feel it is worth giving up for my happiness.

[Daska]

I felt exactly the same way over two months ago when I was away on a family holiday in Byron Bay 2 months ago. Sitting on the beach very withdrawn and feeling very empty and depressed. I have since gone and spoken with a psychologist and have found it extremely helpful. I was surprised about how open I was with my feelings. I didn't lie or hide anything. They were very support and confirmed the feelings I've been having and wanting to transition. I now know that that day of living as a female is getting ever so closer. I'm looking forward now to what the future now has in store.
xx

[MaxForever]

Guess there is maybe one thing I still enjoy doing. Just hanging in there for now.
I know others have waited longer as I said. But still feels icky knowing there is something you want but it is out of reach for a while.

[KathyLauren]

I felt exactly the same way over two months ago when I was away on a family holiday in Byron Bay 2 months ago. Sitting on the beach very withdrawn and feeling very empty and depressed. I have since gone and spoken with a psychologist and have found it extremely helpful. I was surprised about how open I was with my feelings. I didn't lie or hide anything. They were very support and confirmed the feelings I've been having and wanting to transition. I now know that that day of living as a female is getting ever so closer. I'm looking forward now to what the future now has in store.
xx

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[Charlotte F]

Guess there is maybe one thing I still enjoy doing. Just hanging in there for now.
I know others have waited longer as I said. But still feels icky knowing there is something you want but it is out of reach for a while.

I found that distracting myself as much as possible did help me get through the tougher times.  If there is still something healthy or productive you enjoy doing, perhaps throw yourself in to it as much as possible.  Hopefully it's only for a few more weeks

[Roll]

Thanks guys waiting on getting the hormones as soon as I can. I have an appointment with my gender therapist in October to get the letter to refer me for the hormones. I too feel the lost of interest in some hobbies such as video gaming I would start to play and be like meh... I feel not a lot makes me feel better. I know my body is meant to have this change I am hating the waiting but I know others have waited longer. I will hang in there. I know by November and Christmas my changes will be starting so I am looking forward to it more than anything.

I've had the same reaction to games lately myself, and definitely began to really dip off when I came out to myself. Right now I have no school work to do, so decided to stop and take the chance to play something... and instead the xbone dashboard is just sitting there while I browse these forums for the past hour looking for some sense of fulfillment. Even though they have been a core part of my life forever, the enthusiasm just isn't there. Though it does make me wonder how much of my gaming was pure distraction from issues I didn't want to deal with (and a convenient escape into being female in many cases), and that by actually addressing these issues I may no longer "need" to really game like I used to. (Though a notable exception for Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle getting me through a hurricane evacuation the past week and a half, that was a weird situation.)

In other words, it may actually be a healthy sign in the long term that you and I are having that sort of reaction to hobbies like that since it may be an indicator that were making progress where it really counts. (However much it sucks in the meanwhile before reaching that progress's goal.)

I hate giving up some things in my life that makes me sad that came with this body (hard to explain that one I cosplay and I don't want to wear certain costumes when I am a boy). But I feel it is worth giving up for my happiness.

I'm coming at this the opposite direction. The thought of cosplaying as male has always seemed horrible to me, even as I knew many people who enjoyed it. But the idea of cosplaying as a girl is extremely enticing to me.

One of my fondest fantasies/dreams is to be able to pull off a Carol Danvers-Ms. Marvel in the future, though that might be a pipe dream (or require a lot of surgery ).

[Jenny94]

I think I feel something similar. Sometimes I feel like the male me is dead but the female me isn't yet born. Maybe it's a lack of direction - femininity is like a drug, "being female" in public and with friends is a high but the novelty is wearing off and sometimes I feel stupid. I can't live the rest of my life as male, but I can't seem to commit to living it as female. I guess that's fear. Worrying I won't "get it right". Hopefully I'll start on hormones within about half a year and then I'll have some direction and I'll chill out a bit knowing the changes are happening.

[MaxForever]

Good  thoughts on the not enjoying video games part.
Maybe when I transition I will have the motivation to get out there and do stuff I want to do that I do not feel like
doing as I am now and instead sitting around playing video games all day.
I have been able to enjoy an hour or so in a day which is more healthier than the amount of gaming I used to do.
I am still feeling a bit empty but not as much as I was when I posted. Although more of feeling trapped.