Fear of not passing preventing self from transitioning

[amandam]

Well, we all want to be beautiful. Even cis-girls do. Nothing you had said is out of line. Try to stay positive and not stress too much on the passing thing. See how it goes over time. Patience, Grasshopper.

[bronese]

Well, we all want to be beautiful. Even cis-girls do. Nothing you had said is out of line. Try to stay positive and not stress too much on the passing thing. See how it goes over time. Patience, Grasshopper.

yea i guess ill try hrt asap and see if it effects me positively and just work from there.

[amandam]

yea i guess ill try hrt asap and see if it effects me positively and just work from there.

Good plan. You could also do stuff like work on your voice, your walking, etc. to keep you busy so you don't fret so much. I'm using a Tria 4x laser on my hands since I was "blessed" with some Spanish blood. I keep telling myself, it'll work out in the end, just don't fret and keep moving.

[bronese]

Good plan. You could also do stuff like work on your voice, your walking, etc. to keep you busy so you don't fret so much. I'm using a Tria 4x laser on my hands since I was "blessed" with some Spanish blood. I keep telling myself, it'll work out in the end, just don't fret and keep moving.

honestly walking isnt something i worry about because i never walked in like a manly strut, my steps have always been small little steps which kinda makes me super slow when i go out with my guy friends. hair wise? defo, ill either wax or laser once i get on hrt. ill just have to work my mind off it huh.

[amandam]

See, you are making progress!  Stay focused. I have some mantras I use to combat negative thoughts, such as, "I am okay", or "I am just as good as anyone else and deserve happiness too". Try some that work for you. Every time you feel you are getting down on yourself, try to remember to change your thoughts to positive thoughts.

[bronese]

See, you are making progress!  Stay focused. I have some mantras I use to combat negative thoughts, such as, "I am okay", or "I am just as good as anyone else and deserve happiness too". Try some that work for you. Every time you feel you are getting down on yourself, try to remember to change your thoughts to positive thoughts.

thank you so so much for all the advice, it honestly helps a lot knowing there are other people facing the same problem i am too, and this feeling isnt just me being an idiot.

[amandam]

You are not an idiot. Many of us are in the same boat as you. You have friends here. I am new here also and these people here have helped me with their total acceptance and caring. Stick around and get involved in the threads!

[bronese]

You are not an idiot. Many of us are in the same boat as you. You have friends here. I am new here also and these people here have helped me with their total acceptance and caring. Stick around and get involved in the threads!

yea, ill probably do that once i start hrt and get used to my body.

[rmaddy]

for me, passing is everything because its a form of self validation, i believe that being a female is a privilege, so like, i want to be called female pronouns not because i want to be called female pronouns, but because ive earned it and people can use female pronouns on me naturally and instinctihrly.

Being gendered correctly by others on a regular basis is a form of validation, but it is external (outside yourself) and therefore always dependent to some extent on others.  Self-validation is internal (coming from within you) and arises from you accepting yourself for who you are.  You are in control of that.

I came out while working in a hospital where I have now served for 18+ years.  My co-workers there, at least the older ones, knew me for half that time as male.  When I came out, I learned to be comfortable with my feminine self-expression, and so did they.  Their acceptance of me very much paralleled my acceptance of myself (and their respect for me as a valuable member of our team).  It had nothing to do with whether or not I passed.  When I was ready to change my pronouns, they made the switch as well--albeit with some adjustment time--not because I had "earned it" by being unrecognizably trans, but because I asked them to.

It is always your closest contacts--family and old friends--who will misgender you the most.  When I am out shopping, strangers cue off my presentation.  I am rarely misgendered by a stranger because people recognize how I want to be addressed by the way I dress.  It makes very little difference if they register that I am trans or not.

Being female is not a privilege.  You would find far more societal privilege as a male, if that were comfortable for you.  The sense I get from your post is that it is not comfortable for you, and you strongly desire to transition.  Take these thoughts and feelings to a counselor and work them through.  Allowing your ability to pass to determine what you do is giving an immense amount of power to people you don't even know to control your life.  Don't do that.

[bronese]

Being gendered correctly by others on a regular basis is a form of validation, but it is external (outside yourself) and therefore always dependent to some extent on others.  Self-validation is internal (coming from within you) and arises from you accepting yourself for who you are.  You are in control of that.

I came out while working in a hospital where I have now served for 18+ years.  My co-workers there, at least the older ones, knew me for half that time as male.  When I came out, I learned to be comfortable with my feminine self-expression, and so did they.  There acceptance of me very much paralleled my acceptance of myself (and their respect for me as a valuable member of our team).  It had nothing to do with whether or not I passed.  When I was ready to change my pronouns, they made the switch as well--albeit with some adjustment time--not because I had "earned it" by being unrecognizably trans, but because I asked them to.

It is always your closest contacts--family and old friends--who will misgender you the most.  When I am out shopping, strangers cue off my presentation.  I am rarely misgendered by a stranger because people recognize how I want to be addressed by the way I dress.  It makes very little difference if they register that I am trans or not.

Being female is not a privilege.  You would find far more societal privilege as a male, if that were comfortable for you.  The sense I get from your post is that it is not comfortable for you, and you strongly desire to transition.  Take these thoughts and feelings to a counselor and work them through.  Allowing your ability to pass to determine what you do is giving an immense amount of power to people you don't even know to control your life.  Don't do that.

yes, i get where youre coming from and i know its not healthy, basing my entire life solely on aesthetics. but yea, im honestly trying to drop it, to drop the mindset that i need to be feminine to pass, and im trying my hardest to do it, hopefully talking to my therapist would help me alleviate or just clear up my problems.

[amandam]

Rmaddy is so right. There is a bit of a self-esteem issue here. I have it to. Self-acceptance of yourself should be one of your primary goals. Think about it, if you totally accepted yourself, you wouldn't care if you passed or not.

[bronese]

Rmaddy is so right. There is a bit of a self-esteem issue here. I have it to. Self-acceptance of yourself should be one of your primary goals. Think about it, if you totally accepted yourself, you wouldn't care if you passed or not.

i guess it is a bit of a self esteem issue, and ill just have to live it out i guess.

[amandam]

Well, it'll take time. The best thing to do is try to chill out about things and just inch forward. Baby steps.

[bronese]

Well, it'll take time. The best thing to do is try to chill out about things and just inch forward. Baby steps.

yea i guess, until i get to see the therapist i guess.

[rmaddy]

yes, i get where youre coming from and i know its not healthy, basing my entire life solely on aesthetics. but yea, im honestly trying to drop it, to drop the mindset that i need to be feminine to pass, and im trying my hardest to do it, hopefully talking to my therapist would help me alleviate or just clear up my problems.

Talking to a therapist can help. Meeting other transgender people face to face can help.  Cultivating friendships with other transgender people really helps. 

The other thing that will help is presenting the way you feel most comfortable consistently.  Yes, there will be times when you get misgendered, or lack confidence, but you gain confidence through experience.  This is the basic idea behind the real life test.

We have all felt the insecurities that you do.  It's part of the "fun" of being trans.  I wish you a very happy exploration and if you choose, transition.

[bronese]

Talking to a therapist can help. Meeting other transgender people face to face can help.  Cultivating friendships with other transgender people really helps. 

The other thing that will help is presenting the way you feel most comfortable consistently.  Yes, there will be times when you get misgendered, or lack confidence, but you gain confidence through experience.  This is the basic idea behind the real life test.

We have all felt the insecurities that you do.  It's part of the "fun" of being trans.  I wish you a very happy exploration and if you choose, transition.

ive honestly wanted to transition the moment i knew transitioning was a thing, which was when i was 7, i doubt anything can change my mind 11 years in and i doubt anything will, ive done all the necessary research on hrt, ffs and grs and im ready to take on whatevers ready for it. honestly, my main source of dysphoria is genital dysphoria and ive always felt weird with it. i think im honestly mentally ready for it, but not physically, if that makes sense.

[Jenny94]

Hi bronese. I might just add something, though someone might've said it already. "Passing" is more of a thing on a spectrum. You can give a totally female impression, so that anyone with any intelligence would see you're a woman; but still occasionally get misgendered, and well...that's life. A few months ago, when I knew I wanted to transition but had done literally nothing about it yet, I was also worried about this - I wanted to know that at some point in the future I could walk down the street and not a single person would guess I'd been born male. But now I think, actually I don't want to hide, and pretend that I'm cis. There is a way to be dignified, clearly feminine and still make people wonder if you're trans. Visibility is good. Yes, I want to pass as female one day, but I think that means a different thing for me than for some others.

Also worth saying, you can do literally whatever you want, and if they feel like it, cis are still gonna misgender you. It's just what they do. It doesn't mean you're not totally feminine, but they'll find their cues.

But yeah, you're short, you're Asian, you're young, you'll be totally fine. Get out there and start practising

[bronese]

Hi bronese. I might just add something, though someone might've said it already. "Passing" is more of a thing on a spectrum. You can give a totally female impression, so that anyone with any intelligence would see you're a woman; but still occasionally get misgendered, and well...that's life. A few months ago, when I knew I wanted to transition but had done literally nothing about it yet, I was also worried about this - I wanted to know that at some point in the future I could walk down the street and not a single person would guess I'd been born male. But now I think, actually I don't want to hide, and pretend that I'm cis. There is a way to be dignified, clearly feminine and still make people wonder if you're trans. Visibility is good. Yes, I want to pass as female one day, but I think that means a different thing for me than for some others.

Also worth saying, you can do literally whatever you want, and if they feel like it, cis are still gonna misgender you. It's just what they do. It doesn't mean you're not totally feminine, but they'll find their cues.

But yeah, you're short, you're Asian, you're young, you'll be totally fine. Get out there and start practising

aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

[Jenny94]

aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

Sure, lower your standards for now. It's tempting to beat myself up with every misgendering, but I try and tell myself there are just thousands of tiny little "feminine" things that we're not doing and which we'll pick up over time. ^_^

[rmaddy]

The problem with deciding that you must pass is that when you don't, you see it as a failure on your part. 

Most people who misgender you do so without thinking about it.  Some subtle ratio of measurements on your facial structure or figure led to an invisible calculus that led them to the wrong conclusion.  Had they been more attentive (and most people aren't), they might have noticed your purse, your clothing, the way you carried yourself, etc.  Do you really want your sense of personal success to rest on their subconscious assumptions or their lack of attention? 

It sounds like you have figured out quite a bit on your own, but you will be amazed how much more there is to learn as you talk it out with friends, counselors and family.