Fear of not passing preventing self from transitioning

[bronese]

The problem with deciding that you must pass is that when you don't, you see it as a failure on your part. 

Most people who misgender you do so without thinking about it.  Some subtle ratio of measurements on your facial structure or figure led to an invisible calculus that led them to the wrong conclusion.  Had they been more attentive (and most people aren't), they might have noticed your purse, your clothing, the way you carried yourself, etc.  Do you really want your sense of personal success to rest on their subconscious assumptions or their lack of attention? 

It sounds like you have figured out quite a bit on your own, but you will be amazed how much more there is to learn as you talk it out with friends, counselors and family.

yep and i am both excited and terrified to see my therapist next Wednesday. i guess its just a dumb problem im having.

[Devlyn]

I'm worried when people look upon HRT as some miracle elixir. HRT does subtle changes over a period of time. Yes it does or can affect you quite quickly but that is mainly a mental change. The physical changes if any can take some time and can be very variable.

I think there is an unreal expectation, yes it does help, yes it is wonderful but it doesn't replace hard work and effort.

I doubt that I could easily pass as a man anymore but that is 7 years of HRT, grooming, practice and effort.  I can and do pass as a woman, after all I am one.

That is the 'secret' of passing.

Being yourself.

So stop worrying about HRT and be you.

HRT is the icing, but it's up to us to be the Cupcakes.   

Hugs, Devlyn

[bronese]

HRT is the icing, but it's up to us to be the Cupcakes.   

Hugs, Devlyn

i hope i can become the cupcake i want to be that the icing that is hrt can compliment me with.

[Jenny94]

The problem with deciding that you must pass is that when you don't, you see it as a failure on your part.

Yes! Exactly.

[bronese]

Yes! Exactly.

ugh ill probably try to talk it out with my therapist next week.

[esphoria]

HRT is the icing, but it's up to us to be the Cupcakes.   

I love this one.... Well said

[elkie-t]

aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

You aren't lowering your standards of presentation or efforts (unless you don't want to bother anymore), you lower expectations of other people (the society) and dependency on their validation. I believe it's a healthy thing.

[elkie-t]

aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

You aren't lowering your standards of presentation or efforts (unless you don't want to bother anymore), you lower expectations of other people (the society) and dependency on their validation. I believe it's a healthy thing.

[bronese]

You aren't lowering your standards of presentation or efforts (unless you don't want to bother anymore), you lower expectations of other people (the society) and dependency on their validation. I believe it's a healthy thing.

so like what i should do is to not expect so much from society and just feel like i pass from my own feelings?

[elkie-t]

so like what i should do is to not expect so much from society and just feel like i pass from my own feelings?

Don't put so much stress on yourself whether you pass or not. Even a non-passing person can be accepted. In fact acceptance into a community is nicer than passing among strangers. Or as some writer said, one's transition success can be judged by the number of female friends (not by the number of boyfriends)

[bronese]

Don't put so much stress on yourself whether you pass or not. Even a non-passing person can be accepted. In fact acceptance into a community is nicer than passing among strangers. Or as some writer said, one's transition success can be judged by the number of female friends (not by the number of boyfriends)

but like, honestly passing is more for myself rather than for acceptance, as long as i can accept myself by passing, i could have all the hate in the world and id probably be still happy with myself.

[Laurie K]

If I may offer my opinion, and that is all it is.  Passability Is not only a matter of appearance it is also a  matter of confidence, and esteem.  Three years ago I would not walk out my doorway in the daytime and Rarely left the confines of my house. What helped my fear, was to get over what people thought. This is your journey, not theirs, and you are doing this for you. I saw this as a road to self, and it needed to continue.  Even if it meant dark sunglasses and a long coat it still meant growth for me. Fast forward 3 years I am full time and hrt for 2.5 years. Do i pass? Sometimes I look like a boy in a dress. Do I care, Not overly.   I am a lot happier than i ever was.

Is this for everyone no, I took it all in baby steps and knew I could go back if I wanted to , but really never had the desire.  Take your time baby steps if you need.   Once again just my thoughts

[rmaddy]

so like what i should do is to not expect so much from society and just feel like i pass from my own feelings?

Basically yes, although over time if you are presenting consistently, you have the right to expect people to gender you in accordance with that presentation.  As for you, don't be in a hurry if you can help it.  Learn to accept yourself as a transwoman.  It's a pretty exciting and amazing thing to be. 

[bronese]

If I may offer my opinion, and that is all it is.  Passability Is not only a matter of appearance it is also a  matter of confidence, and esteem.  Three years ago I would not walk out my doorway in the daytime and Rarely left the confines of my house. What helped my fear, was to get over what people thought. This is your journey, not theirs, and you are doing this for you. I saw this as a road to self, and it needed to continue.  Even if it meant dark sunglasses and a long coat it still meant growth for me. Fast forward 3 years I am full time and hrt for 2.5 years. Do i pass? Sometimes I look like a boy in a dress. Do I care, Not overly.   I am a lot happier than i ever was.

Is this for everyone no, I took it all in baby steps and knew I could go back if I wanted to , but really never had the desire.  Take your time baby steps if you need.   Once again just my thoughts

taking baby steps is probably my best and only choice now so yea, thank you so much.

[bronese]

Basically yes, although over time if you are presenting consistently, you have the right to expect people to gender you in accordance with that presentation.  As for you, don't be in a hurry if you can help it.  Learn to accept yourself as a transwoman.  It's a pretty exciting and amazing thing to be.

well yea, baby steps huh. gonna have to try to see how hrt even effects me in the long run tbh.

[elkie-t]

but like, honestly passing is more for myself rather than for acceptance, as long as i can accept myself by passing, i could have all the hate in the world and id probably be still happy with myself.

Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

[bronese]

Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

for me, the thing thats holding me back is that i have a pretty manly looking face. i dont plan to ever tell my parents about transitioning honestly, not until im at least financially stable, but i am telling my friends about it and theyve been generally accepting.

[bronese]

Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

for me, the thing thats holding me back is that i have a pretty manly looking face. i dont plan to ever tell my parents about transitioning honestly, not until im at least financially stable, but i am telling my friends about it and theyve been generally accepting.

[bronese]

Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

specifically its the fact that I have a really big head

[bronese]

Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

specifically its the fact that I have a really big head