Hi Friends,
Not sure exactly why I'm posting this right now. I guess the contrast with the next message I post will illustrate how quickly and thoroughly things can change, and how fragile and superficial happiness is. This is a lightly edited version of an email I sent my mom and a friend yesterday.
My mom had emailed to say that she hadn't heard from me for a while, and wondered if everything was ok.
========
No, things aren't "OK." Instead, they're really quite wonderful. As you may have read on my Facebook page, I had been thinking aloud to a dear friend about when I would leave my old self behind, and finally allow myself to live full-time as who I know myself to be. I paraphrased my friend's statement as, "Full-time is less a decision as it is a realization." Well, I have accepted myself, and I have realized that everyone around me is pretty much accepting - or at least tolerating - my new self. It's snuck up on me so quietly I didn't know it was happening, but I realized that I haven't slipped into my old role in quite a while now.
Last Tuesday I finally found out from the County Family Court Clerk where I could get my fingerprints electronically submitted for the background check for my name change court order. I drove to the courthouse in a neighboring county in what I call "androgynous mode" to get it done. No problem, and afterwards I went back to the car, brushed out my hair, grabbed my purse, and walked downtown to a restaurant which is right on the lake at a seaplane base. I had a nice lunch, and though I was nervous, and I think the waitress may have "read" me, she was still very nice. She got a big tip and a Thank You on the receipt.
Last Sunday a bunch of us were going to fly to breakfast, and I decided I it was time that the neighborhood got used to seeing me the way I was going to be seen the rest of my life here. It was a bit of a milestone moment for me as I get ready to go, though it certainly wasn't anything over the top. Just some of my favorite casual feminine clothes. I didn't want to shock anyone too badly, so I put my stuff in my Eagle Creek "tech bag" I've been carrying for years, instead of taking a purse. I was getting all keyed up with the thought of getting this speed bump behind me, and... we had to cancel because of fog. I felt like a balloon with all the air let out. Text messages flew back and forth about postponing and going to lunch later, and we finally all got an invitation to meet at a neighbor's and enjoy each other's company with hot cinnamon rolls. The thought of changing back to "old mode" occurred to me, but then I decided, no, let's get this done. And there were no bad comments. Admittedly, there was only one good comment, a compliment on my blouse, but otherwise, everything was normal, with the regular banter and jokes and discussion about airplanes and other good things. And that's what I needed. Normalcy and stability proved to me that I was still accepted as the same person. Actually, things were still a little too normal - while all of my neighbors have started calling me "Steph," one in particular continues to use the incorrect pronouns (he, him, his). Right now, even though it hurts a bit, I'm taking it with wry acceptance. I understand that the flipside of them still seeing me as the same person is they haven't been pushed to think about who I am now, and the changes that are taking place.
A group of us were going to fly to a resort town on the Gulf of Mexico yesterday, and again it was going to be my debut flight as me. This time I decided to avoid half-measures, and while I was still casual, I did use some makeup and tried to make myself look as good as possible. And again we were fogged in. I moped around and did things around the house part of the day, and everyone finally decided to meet for dinner at a BBQ place at 5:30. I grabbed my purse and hat and drove to Kohl's to do some shopping. I needed a lightweight jacket, and ended up finding one, along with a nice cardigan. There was quite a line to check out, and it made me a bit nervous, knowing I'd be in such close proximity to other people. And it was fine, with a little bantering about why there where so many people waiting, with one guy asking me what they were giving away. The cashier asked, "Would you like to keep the hangers, ma'am?" and we tried to figure out how to use a discount code. Apparently she didn't notice anything unusual, which I just what I'd hoped for.
I nervously considered dropping in on my mom unannounced, but then realized I was running late for dinner and had to get to Leesburg. Some of the neighbors had already seen me in full "me mode" but some others there hadn't - and once again, all was normal, including the continued misgendering by the one neighbor, even in front of the waitress. At one point I mentioned the fingerprints and court order, and a few didn't know what it was for. I explained that it was for the name change, and that was a good time to put them on notice that when the change is made official, it will be time to end the misgendering. Maybe that got some wheels turning in those heads. It ended up being a nice dinner anyway.
Today, my wife and I met up with a friend I'd made at one of the support groups I go to. We met for breakfast at a bakery, then went to a Renaissance Faire. My friend is as geeky as my wife and me, and is also transgender, so we had plenty to talk about. We ended up getting getting soaked in the rain on the way out, but went back to the same restaurant on the lake that I'd been to earlier in the week for lunch anyway. We had more interesting conversation while we ate and dried out. After we got home, another neighbor came over and I helped him with his phone and some navigation software on his tablet, still in full me mode. And everything is fine, despite him slipping on my name a few times. I got revenge, though. While I worked on his phone I snuck into his Contacts and changed my name to Steph. He won't have any idea how it happened, and maybe it'll help him remember. To be fair, he was one of the first to try to use Steph all the time, so an occasional slip-up is forgivable.
We're going to try to go to the resort town on the Gulf one more time tomorrow, and again I plan to do it all as myself. Hopefully this time it'll work. But whether it does or not, it seems to be a foregone conclusion that my old self is in the past now.
My friend who was the second person I came out to sent me an email telling me we need to visit with her sometime soon. We've determined that we wear the same size clothes, and she has a room full that she wants me to look through and take home. She also wants to take us out for a nice dinner. She was the first one to give me total acceptance, to the point where she told me I'd better not show up at her house in my old male mode, since she considers him to be gone. We've proposed a date toward the end of the month to drive up there. It sounds like loads of fun.
My neighbor made me smile the other day. He told me that he'd been talking with one of the guys who help me around the shop in the winter. He asked my neighbor what he thought about my situation, and he told him, "Hey, he was a great guy, and now she's a great girl. We need to support her." He thought about it, and agreed that my neighbor was right. Wow. Can't ask for anything better than that.
And to top it all off, something very cool happened tonight. I told you about my mini-meltdown about four weeks ago, when I saw an old man looking back at me in the reflection of our kitchen window. Well tonight, I was walking toward one of the porch doors to let my dog in, and I saw someone in the reflection that matched the image I have of myself in my head. She isn't as young as I'd like, but that's what we all think, isn't it? She looked good. And happy. And the reflection and I smiled at each other.
I could type all night, telling you about how well things are going, and how happy I am overall. I really don't have a frame of reference, but this must be what it feels like to be normal. Or maybe it's better than normal. I mean, how many people get to have their dreams come true?
=======
Sounds good, right. Read the next message.