The Stephanie Chronicles

[Faith]

I never wore hats .. I have a serious mop on my head and hats have to be too big to go on, then they blow off. Or, too tight and hurt my head. My wife can style any head gear, I just look ridiculous

love the pins, do non-attendees get one? 

doo-dads for guys ... I have no idea, I never liked them as a 'guy'; as a gal, I want doo-dads

[steph2.0]

I never wore hats .. I have a serious mop on my head and hats have to be too big to go on, then they blow off. Or, too tight and hurt my head. My wife can style any head gear, I just look ridiculous

I wish my mop was serious. It's getting better, but usually it's far too frivolous.

love the pins, do non-attendees get one? 

Must be present to win!

doo-dads for guys ... I have no idea, I never liked them as a 'guy'; as a gal, I want doo-dads

Same here. Though nowadays I prefer doo-moms.

Stephanie

[Faith]

doo-dads for guys ... I have no idea, I never liked them as a 'guy'; as a gal, I want doo-dads

Same here. Though nowadays I prefer doo-moms.

I'll wear doo-dads, the guys don't want them anyways

there you go, give the guys something that they'll just had over to the wives, the wives will get double ...

.
..
...
....
.....
present to win, what a crock ... 

[steph2.0]

present to win, what a crock ... 

You wanna play, you gotta pay... 

[Jayne01]

Wish I could make it to your party Steph. I would be happy to help you burn some of those baseball hats. I love the skywriting plane pin.

Unless there are some Kiwis here, I will be one of the first to bring in the new year. I will clear a path for you as you make your approach to land in 2018. I'll be there with you in spirit.

Jayne

[Laurie]

I'm sure Liz will claim kiwi rights along with you Jayne though she's been in kangaroo land a long time. I'd burn those detestable caps too Stephanie, but alas the fastest I have ever made it across this country of our has bee 3 1/2 days. So you and Sue will have to throw one in for me.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jayne01]

Laurie, you misunderstood me, I'm an Aussie through and through. Born and raised in Sydney. I was claiming that I would see the new year first unless a kiwi showed up to make that claim.

Jayne

[Laurie]

Okay I stand corrected. But Liz, may still beat you to it. And you Strange folk are far ahead of me. Even Stephanie, Tia and several others will be in a new year before me. But then again It doesn't matter to me. It is just another day with a different number for me. Yes I am a party pooper as always.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jayne01]

Okay I stand corrected. But Liz, may still beat you to it. And you Strange folk are far ahead of me. Even Stephanie, Tia and several others will be in a new year before me. But then again It doesn't matter to me. It is just another day with a different number for me. Yes I am a party pooper as always.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Yes, it is just another day with a different number, but we will celebrate that different number as a symbol to moving forward with our lives with new hopes and dreams and leaving the old behind us. You will be in our thoughts Laurie, no amount of party pooping will prevent that. So you may as well join the party. Resistance is futile.

Jayne

[LizK]

I'm sure Liz will claim kiwi rights along with you Jayne though she's been in kangaroo land a long time. I'd burn those detestable caps too Stephanie, but alas the fastest I have ever made it across this country of our has bee 3 1/2 days. So you and Sue will have to throw one in for me.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Ahhhhemm...just clearing my throat....I have only been here in Oz for a short 34 years so I guess I can still claim to be a Kiwi...Kia ora my sisters

[Laurie]

Dang Liz I almost had to get out my magnifying glass to read that tiny huge number.

[LizK]

Told you I hadn't been here long 

[steph2.0]

Even where I am now, full time, with a new batch of documents every day with a new name on them (today it was my ham radio license, AOPA profile, and bank account) I still run into mental road blocks..

Today I started preparing the Bensinger Compound for the onslaught of visitors who are on the way for my New Life party on Sunday. As part of that, I ended up removing every stitch of boy clothes from my closet and drawers and stashing them in a different room. It was quite a powerful thing and emphasized how far I've come.

Time to rejoice, right?

The plan was to wait until Sue got off work, and get back to the courthouse (the same one where I'd had my name change hearing) to finish my passport paperwork that I'd gotten started on yesterday. But as I cleaned the house I started feeling shaky and nauseous. I don't think, as emotional as purging the clothes was, that that had much to do with it. Probably more to do with trying too hard to shed the 10 lbs. I've gained in the last 6 weeks. But the end result was I ended up back in bed at 4pm and never got to wrap up the passport. Then I woke up too late to get myself fixed up to attend this week's neighborhood potluck dinner. I've been letting misgendering get to me around here lately, and the last thing I wanted was to be seen in "boy mode," with no makeup. I can't afford to give them any male cues that would negate any little progress they've made with name and gender. So I sat home while Sue went without me. It was hard at first, but eventually I relaxed and enjoyed the quiet time, and got a little more work done.

So today was kinda meh...

Stephanie

[Laurie]

You could have been fashionably late you know?

[steph2.0]

Steph, that sounded like a great evening. I am all for going stealth with the general public but there is such a rewarding feeling finding a new person to add to you tribe. Time with those folks, tribe members, is just so fun, comfortable and safe. You are really doing well aren't you girl, good on you!

Tia Anne

Yes, Tia, it really is nice to just relax and be known for who you are with no mental effort or defensiveness. To be with someone with whom the inherent assumptions were for "Stephanie" and female pronouns. Being gendered and named correctly with no pause for thought or awkward self-corrections was a novel and most welcome experience. So yeah, I was doing well with her. But...

It's disconcerting that it's with the people closest to me that I have to endure getting misgendered and deadnamed the most. It's due to, of course, all the good history we have together. The unhappy end result is I have to fight the tendency to avoid socializing with those I love the most. It's why I'm trying so hard to help them develop new habits so it doesn't hurt to be with them.

As sad as it seems, sometimes I can see the attraction of cutting all ties and starting over somewhere else with new people who only know you as your new self. I could never do that, of course. I owe all these people so much for the support and encouragement they give me, despite the continual slip-ups. And, yes, I know it's not intentional. It's a fine balance to strike to gently correct them without creating undue embarrassment or eventual resentment.

I was sitting with my next door neighbors and trying to make the point last night. I likened it to a light punch on the arm. One or two can be laughed off. Three or four get your attention. Five or six start getting annoying. Above that starts to really hurt. And eventually you want to punch back to stop it.

So I'll try my little ritual at my party, and continue with the gentle reminders. And when it gets to be too much, I'll take a short break from them. But I'll be back, and eventually they'll finally get it and I'll look back on this awkwardness with wry humor.

Stephanie

[Sno]

Sorry sweetie, there's SueNZ, and myself at least to see in the pakeha matariki, although IIRC Samoa sees the sun first, since they jumped the date line.

Sweet as!

Rowan

[Jayne01]

It's disconcerting that it's with the people closest to me that I have to endure getting misgendered and deadnamed the most. It's due to, of course, all the good history we have together. The unhappy end result is I have to fight the tendency to avoid socializing with those I love the most. It's why I'm trying so hard to help them develop new habits so it doesn't hurt to be with them.

This may be of little comfort. I'm trying to find a positive angle to this. At least these friends still see you as the same person you have always been. Sure you look different and are clearly much, Much, MUCH happier than before, but you are still the same person. So to them, not a lot has changed and their brains default to the circumstances they first came to know you. I do hope they can sooner rather than later learn how important it is to you to be correctly named and gendered.

As sad as it seems, sometimes I can see the attraction of cutting all ties and starting over somewhere else with new people who only know you as your new self. I could never do that, of course. I owe all these people so much for the support and encouragement they give me, despite the continual slip-ups. And, yes, I know it's not intentional. It's a fine balance to strike to gently correct them without creating undue embarrassment or eventual resentment.

Would a slightly less gentle approach help highlight how much this means to you, without causing any friction in your friendship.

So I'll try my little ritual at my party, and continue with the gentle reminders. And when it gets to be too much, I'll take a short break from them. But I'll be back, and eventually they'll finally get it and I'll look back on this awkwardness with wry humor.

It seems as though they need a gentle push to get them to understand. Maybe this ritual will help.

I wish I could attend your party. I'll contact you from the future to let you know how 2018 is.

Jayne

[Faith]

Steph, family and close friends will always have the hardest time remembering. They have years of seeing the old you, they will unconsciously get it wrong without meaning to. Most likely they hear it come out their mouth and get mortified as well but don't know how to correct it without making things worse, so say nothing. I've done similar mis-speaks. Saying nothing more is my best out.

Correlate it to growing old with someone, you rarely see the current 'old' face, you always see the same someone that you fell in love with. They see your changes, they know there are changes, in their head they just see you.

Just last night my youngest brother, (lives with my sis-in-law I've talked about. Seems weird right? Not as weird as my younger sister being married to my wife's older brother. ) ... back on point, my younger brother got filled in, is aware and his text last night?  "You're still my brother and always will be" I knew his intent, it still made me depressed.

[steph2.0]

my younger brother got filled in, is aware and his text last night?  "You're still my brother and always will be" I knew his intent, it still made me depressed.

Oh yeah, I get that! When I came out to one of my neighbors they were completely accepting, but the way they put it was, "You'll always be Steve to us." I didn't know how to take it, but I chose to believe they meant, "You're still the same great person, no matter what you choose to do," instead of, "We ain't never gonna call you nothin' but Steve."

If you have to pick your own interpretation, it's best to pick the friendliest one...

- Stephanie

[steph2.0]

I went back to the county courthouse again to wrap up my passport paperwork. The office that does passports also does marriage licenses, and I got big happy smiles from the couple who were just finishing their paperwork as I got there. Lisa took my picture -  very strange to look at because now they have to take it without glasses - gathered the court order, doctor's "appropriate treatment" letter, and old passport, and I wrote the check, first crossing off that old name and writing in the correct one. And checked one more thing off my list.

On to the post office and then to the store to buy stuff to feed my incoming guests, along with thank you cards for everyone who's treated me so well. I used to hate hate hate grocery shopping. I'd get so angry at people blocking the aisles, moving too slowly, and just being rude. What a difference today. I was nervous about being clocked, but didn't seem to have a problem. And people were so nice. If they were blocking the aisle, I'd just wait a little and they'd realize it, smile apologetically, and move out of the way. I helped the traffic flow by doing the "4-way stop" thing at intersections. Everybody seemed so friendly. You think my smiling at them first helped?

I checked out and headed home. As I turned down my street, the phone rang. It was my very first call from someone asking for Stephanie. A florist letting me know that his delivery guy left a bouquet on my doorstep.

Remember my sister who was so thrilled to finally have a big sister? It was from her and her husband. They can't make it to my party from Michigan , so they sent the flowers. The note reads:

New Year... New You! We wish we could be there to celebrate with you.
2018 will be your best year ever!
LOVE YOU!

About 1/2 hour later I was finally able to redo my mascara and eyeliner.



What a day...


- Stephanie