The storm has passed and things are calm again. I finally have some quiet time to catch up with everyone. I have just experienced some of the most incredible days I've lived so far.
My friends from Tennessee - the same ones we visited a month ago, and who gave me the cool selection of clothes - arrived a little after noon on Saturday. My friend from Indiana showed up later in the day. We all went out to dinner at the local Mexican restaurant and basked in the warmth of each other's company. Cool bonus: while I have eaten there for years, it was the first time I'd gone in my real persona, and I was correctly gendered for the entire meal.
Saturday morning I cooked breakfast for everyone. I don't often cook in the morning, but it was simple fare, unlike what some of you prepare. Just maple bacon, scrambled eggs, and cinnamon rolls. While everyone else ate them as usual, I made my favorite breakfast burrito for myself, with eggs, bacon, Italian spices, shredded cheese, and a fine savory dijon tomato-based relish, wrapped in a whole wheat flour tortilla. Coffee from the French press I was given by my dear friend Cassandra for Christmas, plus fine conversation, and we had us a gooood meal.
After breakfast we opened up the hangar and preflighted the plane. It was time to do some flying with my friends. First up was Cassandra. She isn't a pilot, though she is acccomplished with quad-copter drones, and has taken the controls on some other light planes she's been in in the past. I let her take it for a while, and she's pretty dang good at it. After a tour of the area and a high speed low pass down the runway, it was time for the next
victim passenger.
Cassie and Me
Next up were my friends from Tennessee. They're both experienced pilots, and G was first. He was as skilled as expected. His wife L is the one I told you about earlier, who builds the most beautiful airplanes you've ever seen. She's kind of my heroine, and it's her hand-me-downs that helped expand my wardrobe. She'd built the same kind of plane that we were flying, so G already knew all the ins and outs. After we landed, L and I went up, and I didn't touch the controls except for the landing. Finally was my friend D from Indiana. We flew ultralights together in the old days, and while he was rusty, he did great.
Time to put the plane away and get some lunch. We all went out to Darrell's, the place I'd gone to and been treated so well at after my name change court hearing. Everyone still recognizes me and they made us all feel welcome. More eating and good conversation.
When we got home it was time to start setting up for the big New Year/New Life bash. When things were ready, I started getting myself set up. My goal for the night was to remove all doubt that the "old me" was in the past, and the "new me" was female and needed to be recognized as such. To that end I picked out the most feminine outfit I had, a beautiful flowered dress with a tiered skirt and a sweetheart neckline. I got cleaned up, and of course, while shaving, sliced my chin wide open. After stanching the bleeding I did the best I could to hide the scar with concealer, and applied all the limited skills I have to my hair and makeup. As the time for the party got closer, I texted my friend Cassie, "I will see my nail person in the boudoir now." The reply was, "Very good, milady." She had brought her basket of nail polishes along, and she did me up nicely with lavender nails which went perfectly with the dress. While she was working, she offhandedly mentioned that I had a special guest coming. Hmmm, ok. We both go to the same clinic, so maybe she invited my therapist or something. That might be fun. But I had other things to think about.
Another touchup on the hair, and it was time for the debut. Our bedroom door opens onto the living room, and on the other side was a crowd of people to brave. I stood there in the dark with my hand on the door handle, trying to stem off a panic attack. After a series of deep breaths, I asked myself who I was. I, of course, am Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger. And everyone out there are my friends. One more breath, a big smile, and I opened the door and stepped into the light... and a round of applause. Wow.
After getting something for my dry mouth and greeting everyone, it was time to eat. The meal was simple and homey, like myself, I guess. Just pulled pork and smoked turkey catered by Sonny's BBQ. I hardly had a chance to eat. I was getting comfortable with my presentation, nobody had anything critical to say, so I wandered around chatting with everyone, and started to really relax. It was getting to be fun, and based on all that chatter, everyone else was having a good time too. I stood back and counted 27 people. All these people here to have a good time, and to allow me to honor them for being so good to me.
Part of the Party
I went back to the kitchen and got something more to drink, and as I walked back out to the living room a pretty dark-haired lady in a black dress was leaning on the wall in front of me, kind of blocking my path. Huh. I know everyone I invited, but can't think of who this is. Kinda looks a little like Kendra.
KENDRA!!! And I just lost it completely. How could it be? I was so completely confused. It wasn't possible, but... what? How? She just stood there with a huge grin. As I sit here reliving it, I'm crying again. Why would someone as cool as Kendra want to come all the way from Seattle just to see
me? She had to be in town for some other reason. No, it was specifically for me.
She wanted to meet
me. In all my life I have never been so surprised not just to see someone so unexpectedly, but to think that someone considered me worth traveling so far to meet. All my life I have suffered from a lack of self-esteem, and I couldn't fathom - I still can't - why I could be worth that. But it made me so happy. What a wonderful gift. We hugged and I cried on her shoulder.
It turned out that a bunch of you ladies have been sneaking around behind my back. I'm not one to believe in conspiracy theories, but this time some paranoia is justified. Apparently Kendra decided she was going to come, but she didn't know exactly where. I had obscured the address on the invitation that I'd posted here. So either Kendra or Laurie (not sure which) contacted Denise, who I'd had lunch with a few weeks ago. Denise didn't know where I was either, but she got hold of my friend Cassie, who'd been with us at lunch, too. She knows where I live. And the trap was set. I'd vow revenge, except I'd rather give you all huge hugs instead. Thank you for making it all possible.
I wanted to talk and talk, but I had a room full of people, and a ceremony I wanted to conduct around the fire. I'd given neighbor B, an avowed pyromaniac, the task of getting the fire going. I managed to herd the cats outside to the fire pit.
After we were all around the fire, I told everyone about how different that gathering was from what I'd expected when I came out to them all in September, and I thanked them for their acceptance and continued friendship. And my wife went around the circle giving each person one of my old baseball caps.
I then asked if anyone knew who Walt Whitman was. "Sure," someone said, "he made great chocolate samplers." Harr dee harr harr. I introduced Whitman's poem,
The Song of the Open Road. Ashley had quoted a section of it a few weeks ago, and it was so appropriate that I'd decided right then that I needed to make reciting it part of my ceremony. So off I went:
QuoteFrom this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
And that's where I lost it.
I had arranged with Cassie to second for me if I couldn't make it through. I handed the poem to her, and while she was searching for where I left off, I gathered my wits enough that I thought I could continue. I took it back, and read again:
QuoteI inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.
And I couldn't go any further. I was crying too hard to read.
I gave it back to Cassie, and she finished in a strong voice:
QuoteAll seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.
In a choked voice I thanked them all, and every one of them applauded.
After I got my act together, I enacted a little ritual. I had printed large copy of both my old and new driver's licenses. I showed them the old one. Recognize this guy? He no longer exists. In the fire with him. I then showed the new one.
She is me. It's nice to meet you all again for the first time.
Then, on letter size paper, were a bunch of pronouns. One by one, I showed them the words, "He," "Him," "His," "Mister," "Sir," and "Hey, Man." The last one was a tribute to one neighbor who has always greeted everyone with that every time they see them. Each one of those cards, after giving everyone a few seconds to look and think about them, went into the fire.
Time to wrap up. Remember those baseball caps? I had a reputation for always wearing them, to the point that some people wondered whether they were even removable. I explained that to them, then made it clear that it had been the habit of someone who no longer exists. Into the fire with them!! Everyone gleefully threw them in and watched them burn.
After the Ceremony (I was bullied into holding the hatchet!)
Final thanks and back inside for pie. One by one goodbyes were said, and hugs were given. Most people headed out, but a core group stayed until midnight where we "clinked" our plastic cups and shared more hugs. A few pictures with Kendra and Cassie, and we cleaned up the kitchen and living room, and headed off to bed. I was still in disbelief over how well things had gone and what Kendra had done, and I ended up crying happy tears until I drifted off to sleep.
Kendra, Me, and Cassandra
Next morning G and L packed up and headed back to Tennessee, and the rest, consisting of my Mom and her hubby, Cassie, D, and Sue and I, headed out to breakfast at an overcrowded and understaffed Darrell's. We didn't get back home until almost noon. Kendra had stayed at a hotel about 15 miles away, and came back about 2:30. We had some more BBQ for lunch, and talked and talked. In particular, Cassie and Kendra and I talked about how our transitions were going and our plans for the next year. My mom hung around and listened in, and I was worried that some of the conversation might be a little graphic for her. I was surprised to find out later that she was very interested and glad to understand what we were going through and what the future held.
About 5pm Mom and hubby headed out, and after some more relaxed conversation, first Cassie, and then Kendra had to go. It was sad to see them leave, but I'll be seeing Cassie for lunch on Wednesday after my next laser session. Kendra and I traded multiple hugs and smiles, and promises that we'd see each other again, and off she went. I can't help but worry about the aggressive surgery schedule she's set up for herself this year, but I have never met a stronger or more determined woman in my entire life. If anyone can do it, she can. I am so proud to know her, and I cried some more tears after she left.
D is spending one more night here, and he will be off in the morning. Here I sit now, reliving these last few outstanding days with you all, and frequently experiencing extreme ocular leakage as I think about the wonderful people in my life and how afraid I'd been of losing all of it when I started this journey. I know I still have a long way to go, but I have established my identity in my head, and hopefully in many others' as well. And I have a new self-confidence that I trust will see me through the inevitable occasional hard times to come.
Thank you Laurie, Denise, Cassie, and especially Kendra, for making this one of the most special moments of my life. I love you all so much.
From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
And gently, but with undeniable will, I divest myself of the holds that would hold me.Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger
