Hi.
It's been a bit of a personal journey to work my way back here, but I
am back, and I missed you all so much. It's only been a week since I last posted, but it feels much longer.
Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive replies, both here and through personal messages. Though I wasn't really able at the time to absorb the meaning of what was said, the sentiment touched me deeply.
I was so down that some of my behavior was what I now consider to be shameful and possibly irrational, scaring and worrying my loved ones and other friends unduly. I apologize to everyone for it all. I have hopefully learned a lesson well enough that I won't let such things happen again.
As I hinted at when I took my hiatus, about 30% of my depression was due to watching all the excitement surrounding everyone else here, while I felt like I was stalled and had nothing to celebrate. Every victory and milestone and beautiful new picture posted by someone else just highlighted that nothing good was happening for me. I truly wanted to be happy for everyone, but the contrast was vivid and painful.
When I was finally able to appreciate what all of you here and in my close personal circle were telling me about recognizing how far I'd come in such a short time, I decided to go back and reread my entries from a year ago. And as you all suggested, it was a real eye-opener. I'd forgotten how much I had accomplished. Though the pace has slowed down and the adrenaline rush is mostly gone, maybe I do deserve a break to enjoy the new life I've developed. I'm trying now to appreciate it, though I've backslid and have to recover lost ground - things like self-confidence have been eroded, and it takes extra effort to walk out that door into the outside world again. But I've had some positive experiences in the last few days that are making it easier to find my way.
Above all that, though, was a serious anxiety-inducing situation that's outside what I'll discuss here. Suffice to say that that situation was about 70% of what was bothering me, and it's been a roller coaster ride that seems to be working itself out in a positive way. As it was only peripherally associated with transitioning, it is a stark reminder that regardless of all the other extreme changes in our lives, ordinary situations that all people experience can still knock you down. Transcending gender, sexual preference, or anything else we deal with here daily, we are all still
people with all the normal frailties that encompasses.
Thank you to my special friends who reached out to me both here and in personal messages and emails:
@sarah1972,
@Alaskan Danielle,
@Kendra,
@KathyLauren,
@Jayne01,
@ElizabethK,
@Laurie,
@Sno,
@Anne Blake,
@Faith, and
@SassyCassie. Also thank you to anyone else who reads this thread from the shadows (there must be a few out there, considering it's been read going on 39,000 times). Though I may not have been in a state to understand what you were telling me, the fact that you cared enough to try meant so much to me.
I have much catching up to do, both in my friend's threads and here. But for now I'll just try to impart a few lessons I've learned.
First, I was reminded just how close some friendships can become through this forum. Some have been enhanced by personal visits, but many are just through electrons and pulses of light. Souls reaching out toward each other will find a way to touch using any means available. Having a place like this to find each other is more valuable than I'm capable of expressing.
Second, I can't stress enough the value of writing down your story. Whether it's here for us all to share, or a private journal or diary, having the ability to commune with your past self can be immensely therapeutic. That was primarily responsible for pulling me out of my hole.
Finally, realize that no matter where we are in transition, everyday life throws things at us that every human has to deal with. We tend to focus so tightly on our gender journey that we don't see such things barreling at us until they hit us. In my case I ran into a situation that I never would have believed possible based on my past life, and for which I had no tools to deal with. And that's where we need to lean on those closest to us who allow us - and encourage us - to do so. Be willing to admit that you're not all-powerful and can be vulnerable, and you'll be surprised at the support that's available to you.
Thank you again to those who are still here with me. Things are getting better, and I'll be around to share more.
I love you all.
Stephanie
