Trying Something New, Part 2
One of the things that has induced dysphoria lately is that so little has actually changed in my day-to-day life. Those who have been following this thread (thank you to both of you!) know that I live in a special kind of neighborhood where we all share the same interest in flying. Our houses are lined up along a runway on a small private airport. We fly everything including powered paragliders, ultralights, experimental homebuilt planes, light sport aircraft, and high speed complex factory-built planes. For years my daily routine included walking the dog around the airport and stopping at each hangar to talk with the guys and see how the various projects are coming. And "guys" is the operative word. I'd see women occasionally, but they were "the wives" who were just passing through the man-caves, and I never had much of a chance to socialize with them. While I generally had little in common with the men hanging out in their figurative "He-Man Woman Haters Clubs" (with the "No Girlz Aloud" sign on the door), the love of aviation bound us together. While all of them have been accepting of my transition, none of them make any effort to understand it, and most still treat me as Steve, who looks a little different nowadays. A few get the name and pronouns right, but one or two don't seem to get it, no matter how much I change before their eyes. And, well, they're guys. I never really fit in with them, and they certainly have nothing to teach me as I move forward.
So no matter how high my confidence level and how feminine my presentation is when I strike out into the neighborhood, by the time I get home I feel like I've regressed back to my old role. It's actually a relief to walk the dog and discover that all the hangars are closed and there's nobody home. It's a love/hate thing. I feel lonely, but at least I don't have to hear my old name or "he" or "him."
Even at home not much has changed. I'm still responsible for washing and fixing the cars, mowing the grass, and doing all the guy-role heavy lifting jobs. While I think it's cool that women can change the oil in the cars and wrench on planes as well as men, it's hard for me to feel feminine while doing it.
This fed into my thought pattern and helped guide me toward the plan I'll tell you about in my next post (promise!)
Stephanie
