I am in a similar position. My spouse of 20 years told me he (he's still using male pronouns) was transgender about 3 months ago (though he's known for at least 10 years).
First thing, for every bad story you read you can find a good one and vice versa. You can skew the narrative in either direction by choosing the right stories. The problem is, you shouldn't skew the narrative because those stories aren't YOU and your story hasn't unfolded yet. I often find the temptation to read more is powerful because I deal with stress and uncertainty by trying to become more informed and feeling prepared. But in this case, I need to keep reminding myself that you can't be prepared for all this and trying to hard can be detrimental. If you make assumptions about how you will feel about things like attraction or changes in your spouse or changes to your relationship, you might close yourself off to just experiencing them without bias and then DISCOVERING how you actually feel. I have been very surprised so far in a good way and realize that many of my worries have been unfounded, so I used precious energy worry for nothing.
Save that energy because even if everything goes as well as possible, it will likely be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting!
For me, the first 2-4 weeks were hardest because there is a lot to process at once. But once the dust started to settle, we have found ourselves in a nicer place. You asked if it was harder after knowing? That is a tough question to answer. Was it easier when I was completely oblivious to my spouse's condition? Well, in some ways maybe. But if I had to be honest, he wasn't very nice then and I was beginning to think our marriage was falling apart and unsalvageable. I had no idea why so I couldn't "fix it". Since he told me, he has done a 180 and has become a kinder person. We communicate better. We are more honest. I feel like we are allies now instead of adversaries. We are WAY more physically affection and intimate. I mean I can't really say I'm GLAD he is transgender, but I am happier with where we are now than where we were.
The hardest part for me is living with all that uncertainty looming overhead. I still have worries about how I will feel or how we will evolve as different things happen. I think the trick is to quickly acknowledge and then let go of those future worries so they aren't overwhelming to the present. It is not easy and it IS exhausting. One trick I have been doing is keeping a running list of my worries. It allows me to acknowledge them and I am less overwhelmed when I see them in a list. Plus, I go back to it every now and then and cross off the ones that have been addressed and/or are no longer worries. It makes me feel like we are progressing in the right direction and reminds me that not every bad thing I hear is going to come to fruition.
A good therapist that specializes in gender issues is indispensable. We go to the same one together and we each see her individually. It would probably help if you had someone to talk to besides your spouse - whether it is a friend (in person, by phone, or online) or a support group (in person or online). For us the big three are communication, kindness, and honesty. We are going very slow and my spouse discusses everything with me before he does anything so I don't get any surprises. We feel like we're in this together which I think has been benefiting us both. Someone else on here said their therapist had them make a wish list to share with their CIS spouse who would then work with them to regulate the pace so it worked for both of them. Seemed like a good plan.
If you are worried about the sex changing, be proactive and start exploring ways to change it that you both like. It will give you a leg up (no pun intended) if the hormones make certain ways you were doing it more difficult
