When did you stop worrying about passing?

[melissa90299]

I can't be like that. Maybe I'm not enlightened or whatever, but it *matters* to me that I'm liked and, if blessed, even loved. If in being me now, I found that I was constantly ridiculed and hated, I'd... I don't know. I don't think I could make it. I need their acceptance, pathetic as that may sound. I need to know they like me, that I belong.

I am loved, respected, admired and even thought of as a role model by people in my life who matter. I am not talking about being ridiculed by the masses. But everyone is going to run into people who insult them. This is the situation I am talking about that we should not let bother us.




Posted on: December 08, 2007, 11:07:07 PM

Of course, there are only so many people like me around so you two are probably safe.

of course!  we (and i include myself) are a different breed!  i'm one of the it girls (no pun intended)

If that were true, you would not feel the need to proclaim it on the internet.

[Valentina]

The day I realised that people were calling me "miss" morning and night, every day, all hours of the day, everywhere I went.

[Hypatia]

feeling deceptive or like I'm fooling them (and thus MAKING a fool of them).
...
just because I don't want anyone to ever think I'm out to "fool" them, or to MAKE fools of them. I HATE feeling deceptive, and for anyone to ever think of me that way... just really hurts and would break my heart.

The transphobic religious right keeps accusing us of practicing deception. Do you feel they have a point? I think they're drastically wrong about that because they completely fail to understand, because their minds are locked into some dogmatic beliefs that don't correspond to reality. But I can understand how living in this country with the hostile climate they create could really get under a person's skin. Put you on the defensive even when no one's attacking. I know the feeling and I've had to consciously release it from me and just relax.

Posted on: December 09, 2007, 01:05:18 AM

The day I realised that people were calling me "miss" morning and night, every day, all hours of the day, everywhere I went.

Same here--except it's "Ma'am" in my case because I'm an old crone.

[Butterfly]

It was when I had FFS, five or six months into recovery I could see the face I should have been born with.

[Jeannette]

The day I realised that people were calling me "miss" morning and night, every day, all hours of the day, everywhere I went.

Same with me!

[Veronica Secret]

I never worry aboiut anything

[Kate]

The transphobic religious right keeps accusing us of practicing deception. Do you feel they have a point?

Nah, I don't fear anyone will disapprove of me. Just the opposite in fact, as everyone I've told has treated me with nothing but kindness. It's as if by passing, I'm sending the message that I feel a need to hide because I think they're mean, judgemental people. That's why I feel I "owe" them the truth in a way. I know that's "wrong" of me, and something I need to work through, but that's how it feels.

I'm not much of a "this is me so deal with it" kinda person. I really need acceptance, or even "forgiveness" in a sense... tolerance isn't enough. I need to belong. If this had turned out where I was just asserting myself every day amidst scorn and ridicule, I'd probably give up. I couldn't truly BE.

The day I realised that people were calling me "miss" morning and night, every day, all hours of the day, everywhere I went.

In an ironic twist, having a perfect record like that is what makes me so paranoid. I haven't experienced a "sir," so I feel like I'm being set up for a huge fall if I let my guard down and start actually believing that I pass.

~Kate~

[melissa90299]

Kate, I don't see what difference it makes as long as you are just living your life. This obsession with letting others define us is not healthy. Just LOVE yourself!

[tekla]

What people think of me is none of my business

I always took that to really indicate that what other people think, feel, or believe is not within my control.  In any lived life you are going to run into people who don't like you, never did like you, and never will like you - no matter what you do.  Given that, how much twisting, bending and changing am I required to do to please them that ain't ever going to be pleased?

Its not to discount other people - they are doing that themselves and don't need my help. 

So I stopped worrying when it became clear that in trying to please them that can't be pleased I was cutting myself off from people who could and would like me for being just that.  And as time went on I gathered other things unto myself that, as it turns out, were even more hateful then being a ->-bleeped-<-.  You think ->-bleeped-<-s are disliked, try any of the following:  Ph.D, Trade Union Organizer, unabashed left wing political type, or solid agnostic.  Fact is, I bet more people in the U.S would vote for a ->-bleeped-<- before they ever voted for an agnostic.

I've got some pretty harsh and hateful comments on the ->-bleeped-<- deal, but its my political writings and union organizing that get me death threats.

So I think that the 'what other people think of me' deal is a lot like the old song where Rick Nelson sang "you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself."

[cindianna_jones]

I hadn't worried about this thing for years until I joined the forum here several months ago.

Now I think about it from time to time. 

It's been nearly 20 years since I had surgery.

I don't get stares or called sir... but I suppose there will always be this thing in the back of my mind that I don't look natal.

But to the original question..... I became comfortable with myself after I had my face cleared the first time with electro. That was my biggest tell and when it was gone, my confidence was much greater.  I still had a couple years to go on the electro, but I didn't shave once after that.

Now .... I still got read from time to time.  They did figure me out at work and learned about my past... management knew something about my past (they had my old name for example) and they did try to get rid of me.  That was no big deal.  I found another job.

Cindi

[Lisbeth]

I don't think I've worried about it since one day a couple of years ago when I was in the grocery store in the checkout line.  There was a woman in front of me in a motorized chair, and she dropped something.  I reached down and picked it up for her.  When I handed it to her she said, "Thank you, sir."  Then she got a better look at me and said, "Oh!  I'm so sorry, ma'am!  I didn't mean to be offensive."

It was at that point that I knew I could pass close inspection.  And since that time, no stranger has ever called me "sir."  And now people have to get a complete explanation in order to convince them that I was ever male.

[NicholeW.]

I never stop worrying about passing!!! I don't see how you girls stop worrying. Like even on the freeway today, cruising along at 70mph and the truck was ahead of me and I got closer and closer and to my right was a car and to my left one was coming up fast. But I just went ahead and put on my signal and dodged left and went around the truck.

But the whole time I was looking in my rear-view mirror thinking, "that car is gonna run right up over my trunk and kill us all!!!" It's the same everywhere.

People should worry more about passing. I think it causes way more accidents than they tell us about!!!

[karmatic1110]

I never stop worrying about passing!!! I don't see how you girls stop worrying. Like even on the freeway today, cruising along at 70mph and the truck was ahead of me and I got closer and closer and to my right was a car and to my left one was coming up fast. But I just went ahead and put on my signal and dodged left and went around the truck.

But the whole time I was looking in my rear-view mirror thinking, "that car is gonna run right up over my trunk and kill us all!!!" It's the same everywhere.

People should worry more about passing. I think it causes way more accidents than they tell us about!!!

Hahaha!  That was great!  The entire time I was going "Ok so enough about cars and...oh lol."

Charlotte

[Keira]

Passing's so passe, I just push the car in front of
me out of the way, road warrior style... >

[Shana A]

People should worry more about passing. I think it causes way more accidents than they tell us about!!!

Great post!!!!!

People should also worry more about drivers who are talking on cell phones while passing 

y2g

[Just Mandy]

Nichole, you made my day! That was too funny!

I was thinking what is she talking about then I had to LOL.

Amanda

[tinkerbell]

When no one couldn't? You mean when no one could detect...

Ahhh yes, this is what I meant.  It's been corrected! 

That is an awfully high bar to achieve and not possible for virtually anyone who transitions after, say, 21. Some people have perceptive abilities that go beyond the five senses.

I transitioned at age 20, so I guess that puts me in an awfully high bar! 

I ran into a woman yesterday who obviously thought she was stealth and she apparently picked up on the fact that I read her, she was absolutely horrified and became speechless.

But Melissa I'm going to quote you from another thread:

But you haven't met me yet.

Yeah, you haven't met me yet! 



tink

[Kate]

when did you start to feel comfortable in private and then in public?

When I talked to a friend of mine from a few feet away, and he just thought I was my own sister, and asked my wife where her husband was.

That broke something in me.

~Kate~

[tekla]

If you think about it long enough (and I'm sure you will) it will in the end, make your life.  After all, is that not what you wanted?  Not to be you.  Or at least the 'old you'.  But to be the new Kate? 

After years and years (decades in fact) of thinking "Hey I should be the boss" one day I was.  Huge show.  Major production.  And despite years of thinking, and at least a few hours on the bus going through it all, at that moment when someone turned to me and said "Hey boss, what do you want us to do?" I found myself looking around for that boss.  But I caught his eye, and it told me, that person was me.  So.... I took a deep breath, and let it fly.

So of course, the first time, it kinda catches you all unawares and such.  And perhaps you are thinking of the old adage, "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."

But I'm sure the next time, you will with all style and grace reach out with your hand and say: "My name is Kate."

As Martha Stewart would say:  "Its a good thing."

[Ms Bev]

I don't worry about it anymore.  My wife would say I don't worry about it any less! 
In fact, I don't worry about any part of me but my hair.  I fuss all the time over my hair, and worry that my hair doesn't adequately cover my forehead, and heaven forbid that a gust of wind should come along.
"Get over it!" she says.
Actually, what Lisbeth said, I do pass upon close scrutiny.  At least I think I do.  Do I?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure.  All day long I have female and male customers to deal with, usually for about 20 minutes or more, sometimes for a couple of hours.  They like me, and get along just fine.
Hmmm....I wonder.....were they just being kind?  All of them?  Then I think about going here and there, crowded malls, etc.  Never a look.  Okay....sometimes I get hit on by another gay woman LOL.
But still.....is my hair okay???

And Kate....you don't owe anyone anything.

     "I don't want anyone to ever think I'm out to "fool" them, or to MAKE fools of them. I HATE feeling
     deceptive, and for anyone to ever think of me that way..."

You don't owe them an explanation, or some kind of empathy for their potential 'embarrassment' or discomfort. 
Suppose you were born a natal woman, but were uncomfortably different in some way.  Maybe a big nose.  I mean a real schnoz!  Do you think you should make people feel more comfortable, maybe make a cavernous nasal apology for making them feel uncomfortable about the way you look?
Okay, I digress, or maybe regress.  Anyway girl, it's time to start getting around to the business of being Kate.  A while ago (consider yourself lucky) I was finally able to stop spending my energy defending Beverly at work, and just start BEING Beverly. 
Yah....issues.  Get over 'em.


Bev