Dysphoria and Loving

[kasspurple]

Okay so there's me and there's the facade I show th real world because I am not out and won't be for a while due to life issues.  So I'm struggling to move from hating the facade to embracing to facade as something that provides protection and allows me to function in society given the facts of my circumstances.  My question for my sisters and brothers here.  How did you move to embracing the facade, if you ever did?  How did you cope with not embracing it if you never did?

[Bari Jo]

I became very god at faking it. I still could only fake it for so long though.  Then I would need a break from people.  The dysphoria never goes away.  Sometimes it's manageable and you just get sad or become a hermit.  Other times it's crisis.  The main reason I'm on hrt now is that it became crisis and was affecting my work.  Now since I'm on it, the GD is manageable and I do baby steps to appear and feel feminine in public.  The baby steps really help my GD too.

[kk]

I've never been good at faking anything.  Especially now that I've fully accepted that I'm trans, I just don't even know how to act like a girl anymore (I'm FTM).  I live in a small town and there's definitely discrimination; I keep losing out on jobs that I'm qualified for, for no apparent reason and I have to assume it's because I present male, act male, etc, but the administration sees me as a butch woman and they don't like that.  It's very tiring, it makes me depressed.  I have suicidal thoughts every day, but I'm working through it.  My fiancee keeps me stable; even support from just one person helps a lot.  I know I'm going to have to come out soon and start hormones and I don't know what's going to happen then.  My greatest fear (besides dying) is coming out and then not being able to find work.  But I can't live as a facade and I hate being in this inbetween nowhere limbo, so I have to act somehow.

I think if I were better at faking I would, for the time being.  I've tried "femme-ing up" and wearing makeup, but I just come across as a man in drag which weirds people out even more.  It's cool that you can look at the facade as a good thing, as a kind of armor that's protecting you; I think that mindset will help a lot.  I hope you reach a point where you can be out and be you soon.

[Julia1996]

I never embraced anything about being a pretend boy. Life might have been a little easier for me if I had been able to fake it but I never could. If I did try to act masculine I came off as totally ridiculous.  Like the very worst actress in a lower than B movie. For those of you who can fake it well, I know it's not what you want but be glad you are able to do it. I would have saved myself a ton of being mistreated by others if I could have faked it. You had it totally right when you said your facade kept you protected. People can be totally evil and cruel.

[MaryT]

I think that the facade protects people in adult work situations.  With hindsight, I'm not sure that it protects MTFs in the violent world of High School.  I tried to act as manly as the other boys, as I thought that it offered some protection against bullies.  Even so, I was beaten up more than anybody I knew. 

Even some teachers seemed to have it in for me.  During one year, allegedly because of my poor handwriting, the biology teacher sent me to the vice-principal for caning during every class period.  I think that my handwriting shake eventually extended to the rest of my body, as the vice-principal eventually told the teacher that he would not cane me anymore.  (Later, the same teacher gave me a nice pen as a gift, but that was because she accidentally set fire to me.)

The trouble with putting on a facade, especially if you are young and inexperienced, is that you can't get it just right.  Perhaps I came across as even more weird when I tried to be manly.   I wonder whether the school bullying, from both boys and teachers, would have taken a less physical form if I had been more myself during those years.  Even as an adult, colleagues sometimes saw through the pretence, but at least I was not working with violent people.

[Julia1996]

I think that the facade protects people in adult work situations.  With hindsight, I'm not sure that it protects MTFs in the violent world of High School.  I tried to act as manly as the other boys, as I thought that it offered some protection against bullies.  Even so, I was beaten up more than anybody I knew. 

Even some teachers seemed to have it in for me.  During one year, allegedly because of my poor handwriting, the biology teacher sent me to the vice-principal for caning during every class period.  I think that my handwriting shake eventually extended to the rest of my body, as the vice-principal eventually told the teacher that he would not cane me anymore.  (Later, the same teacher gave me a nice pen as a gift, but that was because she accidentally set fire to me.)

The trouble with putting on a facade, especially if you are young and inexperienced, is that you can't get it just right.  Perhaps I came across as even more weird when I tried to be manly.   I wonder whether the school bullying, from both boys and teachers, would have taken a less physical form if I had been more myself during those years.  Even as an adult, colleagues sometimes saw through the pretence, but at least I was not working with visolent people.

OMG, they hit you with a cane at school?? That's totally illegal! You should have sued them. And the teacher who set you on fire Especially . How did that happen?? Did she get arrested? What a horrible school you went to. Poor girl.

[KathyLauren]

I never figured myself out for a long, long time.  I always felt like I was faking it, but since I couldn't see how what I did was any different from what other people did, I assumed that other people felt like they were faking it too.  I figured that was just the way the world was.

Gradually, I started to understand what was going on.  By the time I knew that it was gender dysphoria, I knew that there was no way I could live with the facade any longer.

So I never did embrace the facade.  As long as I thought that it was just the way things had to be, I was okay with it and tried to live my life as well as I could.  But once I knew there was a way out, I had to go for it.

[MaryT]

OMG, they hit you with a cane at school?? That's totally illegal! You should have sued them. And the teacher who set you on fire Especially . How did that happen?? Did she get arrested? What a horrible school you went to. Poor girl.

Caning wasn't illegal where and when I went to school.  Being set on fire would have been funny if it hadn't been for the second degree burns. 

The teacher was actually only qualified to teach English but the school didn't have a qualified biology teacher, so she filled in.  The experiment was a fatty acid test, which involved ether.  We were told to move the desks back and the chairs forward, so we could get a better view.  A girl held the school's large jar of ether, with the lid off, next to the table with the experimental instruments.  For reasons we never discovered, the teacher thought that a lit Bunsen burner should be one of the scientific instruments.  Even though the jar was at least a yard from the burner, it suddenly burst into flames.  Understandably, the girl dropped it and ran out of the room.  Amazingly, she wasn't injured at all, as I recall.  Even the teacher ran out and abandoned the class.

What happened to me was partly my fault.  I wasn't even sitting near the front row.  I didn't realise how serious it was.  Instead of running straight away, I thought that it was hilarious and started laughing.  Big mistake.  I was trampled by the mob closer to the action.  Before I was back on my feet, the floor was on fire around me.  I was the last out, my trousers actually burning.  The vice-principal was the saviour once again.  His office was nearby and he came running out.  He put out the flames on my trousers, with his own jacket, I think.  He then got a fire extinguisher and managed to put out the fire in the classroom. 

I had second degree burns on my hands and legs, and a FAAB girl was also quite badly burned.  A few others had minor burns.  None of us had to stay in hospital.  The vice-principal and biology teacher accompanied us to the hospital and I heard the teacher say "I didn't know that ether was inflammable".  (That was the word people used in those days, until manufacturers realised that some people thought it meant non-flammable.)

The FAAB girl was off school for several months, even though the doctors said that I was the worst burnt.  My mother let me stay at home for a couple of weeks, but she made me walk around so that my skin wouldn't stiffen (she didn't approve of any sissy behaviour, probably because she used to catch me wearing her clothes).

My father was not litigatious, so we didn't sue anybody.  I think that the school and especially the teacher were worried, though, hence the nice inscribed Parker pens that she gave me and the others who were burned.

Ah, childhood!  The best years of your life.

[Katie Jade]

Hi Hun
Firstly I have been 'faking' male for 50 years and I'm good at it - too good for the real me btw, and many are, so breaking down that façade need to be carefully done, please dont OP / Shock your loved ones etc. My wife keeps on telling me not to stand in some ways, as its too girly or such, I'm slowly doing progression naturally I think. The thing is, its your life but take it slowly and learn who you really are along the way, don't rush or you will not enjoy it. I'm not out either, but loving every small, small step I take. I just keep looking at where I want to go and help or remove or walk round the obstacles that I have in my way. Do embrace your true deep self, but remember anyone who knows you may need help to adjust to the newer and better you. Not much help I know but I'm in a similar position to you hun. 
Best of Luck
Katie Jade

[Kylo]

I never faked anything. I always was a terrible liar, anyway, by most accounts, it would have been too much trouble and still is. No, I was always genuine, even back when I didn't even know the reasons I felt so lousy about myself and my place in the world. I didn't know what was wrong with me, or even that there was anything wrong with me. I thought I was just depressed and that everyone probably felt a bit like I did. I had a "get on with it and don't complain" sort of upbringing. So I was clueless for many years, basically. Clueless and miserable.

But other people can see there's something weird about you if you act natural in this way. They think you're whatever gender you look like, but if your personality clearly contrasts with it, you come off as obviously strange. They don't know quite what to make of you. Not so strange that they can guess - at least, not back then when all most people heard about transsexuality was from "sex change jokes". It causes problems. Puts you in situations you ordinarily would never have to face. Then you face the consequences of your misfitting reactions to those, too.

I'll never bother with a facade. It's too much effort and I've lived a lifetime so far of being the misfit, but with the freedom from caring about what other people think. I'm not going to start caring now.

That said, this particular path is not free from a toll. You still pay for it, whether it's through your own isolation, never fitting in or being like others, etc. I'm just so used to paying that particular toll I'm happy enough to keep doing it.

[Anne Blake]

I can relate to Viktor's story. I lived my life for many years, it wasn't an act or façade, it was all that I knew. It was difficult and lonely but I did it well, never fitting in but succeeding, not happy but surviving. Once I learned of who I am, I transitioned as quickly as possible. I had been looking back through all those years as him with pain and anger at him, until I heard another on site suggest that she thanked the old him that she had been. She thanked him and appreciated him because he had protected her for all those years and had done it well. That has changed my feelings about my old me in a big way. I can see that he was isolated and alone and hurt a lot but he was a good man and I have to thank him with compassion for all he did for me.

[esphoria]

I never figured myself out for a long, long time.  I always felt like I was faking it, but since I couldn't see how what I did was any different from what other people did, I assumed that other people felt like they were faking it too.  I figured that was just the way the world was.

Gradually, I started to understand what was going on.  By the time I knew that it was gender dysphoria, I knew that there was no way I could live with the facade any longer.

So I never did embrace the facade.  As long as I thought that it was just the way things had to be, I was okay with it and tried to live my life as well as I could.  But once I knew there was a way out, I had to go for it.

Kathy Yes.... I had the same issue... I totally thought everyone was just faking it and putting on a face. it made me so cynical and shut off.... I ended up completely shutting myself off emotionally and viewing life in greyscale behind glass. Then it happened, I hit my breaking point and I felt myself shatter. It was at that point I knew who I was and why socially I've always struggled.

I'm with Julia that during transition boy mode has made things easier at times, but I feel so dirty doing it. On one hand I'm doing it to put people at ease, but at the same time I'm flat out lying to them, like I'm grifting not to mention I'm screaming internally. For me, wearing my boy mask doesn't reduce the threat, but it shifts it....from other people to myself. I just don't know if the juice is worth the squeeze.

When I have to deal with it, the best thing I can do is focus on where I'm going rather than where I'm at... sorry if this got a bit...yeah but its late.

[LizK]

My reaction was mainly in anger and confusion....I was bullied for the way I looked...as a young kid I had many surgeries to repair my cleft nose and lip. This left me with a visible raised scar and deformed looking top lip and a bulbous nose as an 7-15 year old...Because of this and the way I talked I was a natural target. But what I remember clearly was the viciousness with which I was attacked for showing even the slightest weakness which is my case was violence itself...it used to make me feel nauseous whenever I saw it or experienced it...my reaction was usually to also burst into tears, of which I seemed to be capable of any time of the day or night( I wore my heart on my sleeve, as my mother would say)...I spent much of my school life in absolute terror that my classmates would find out how I really felt. I left school 1 month after the leaving age at 15.

I built a hard shell around myself and then drenched it in alcohol. Got me through to my late 30's and then nearly killed me...so I guess what I am saying is whilst they will work for a time there is normally an emotional price to pay.

[MollyPants]

It was like building a fortress around myself and pretending I have thick skin. The scary part was watching myself get progressively more aggressive and mean spirited to the people around me. It was horrible to watch but if I stopped it the bullying would just get worse. Being out of school makes a huge difference and living away from my parents gives me at least some space to be myself.
Molly x

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

[Deborah]

I had a very good façade that I deliberately built over time starting when I was 13.  It was so good that one of my Brigade Commanders once said that if he ever needed to go to a bad part of town he wanted me along so nobody would bother us.

I liked that I had a good façade.  However, I did not like, much less love, myself.  I don't think that anyone with dysphoria really can love themselves because consciously they will always know that its simply an act.  I always felt that people knew the act but that they didn't know me at all.  It was constantly stressful and resulted in me not really wanting to be friends with people because that meant just more time maintaining the act.

The really bad thing is that I don't think you can really love someone else when you must constantly wear a mask and live inside a foreign avatar.  You cannot love others until you love yourself first.  Having dysphoria is a curse.  Its not that being trans is bad; I never hated myself because of that.  Its a curse because until very recently it was so misunderstood and despised by society that one felt trapped inside a dark box with no visible escape.  You cannot love others from inside a dark box.  The best you can do is try and display the happy face mask for others to see.

[kasspurple]

I had a very good façade that I deliberately built over time starting when I was 13.  It was so good that one of my Brigade Commanders once said that if he ever needed to go to a bad part of town he wanted me along so nobody would bother us.

I liked that I had a good façade.  However, I did not like, much less love, myself.  I don't think that anyone with dysphoria really can love themselves because consciously they will always know that its simply an act.  I always felt that people knew the act but that they didn't know me at all.  It was constantly stressful and resulted in me not really wanting to be friends with people because that meant just more time maintaining the act.

The really bad thing is that I don't think you can really love someone else when you must constantly wear a mask and live inside a foreign avatar.  You cannot love others until you love yourself first.  Having dysphoria is a curse.  Its not that being trans is bad; I never hated myself because of that.  Its a curse because until very recently it was so misunderstood and despised by society that one felt trapped inside a dark box with no visible escape.  You cannot love others from inside a dark box.  The best you can do is try and display the happy face mask for others to see.

Yeah this is pretty much how I feel a lot of the time.  Also, thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts, experiences, and feelings.  Will have to continue working on this.

[DawnOday]

My dysphoria has prevented me from loving as I feel I am capable. I lost my first wife because I could not love her enough. My second wife I tried to prove the loss of the first wife was a fluke. I made two babies with a woman I never wanted to be with in the first place. Over thirtyfive years that feeling has changed. HRT has had a lot to do with it because I am no longer carrying this secret anymore. Coming out to family and friends has been life changing and I feel alive and not half dead. But I also found someone else to love. Myself. You can't love someone else unless you love yourself first.

Julia.. Also known as domestic corporal punishment, parents can cane a child as a punishment for disobedience, which is a common practice in some Asian countries such as Singapore, China, Malaysia, and others. See Caning in Singapore.

[Dani2118]

When I was born they stamped an M on my Birth Certificate. Mom put boy clothes on me cut my hair short. But what really did it was another boy getting called 'sissy boy' for 3 strait days. That was when I was 5 or 6, so for me the shell started early. So I knew even then if they knew how I felt inside it would be torture. Then High School WAS torture. My shell was just a shell, neither male nor female until my late 20's. I just didn't know how to be a man. At least it's easier to pretend to be a man, at least enough to get away with. When I worked with 5 other guys everyday I finally figured out how to some what act like them. For the last 12 yrs. of my working life I was a painter and that was kind of a relief. It was like working with a bunch of trans people, their all outcasts [drunks, drug addicts, etc..] because falling off a ladder breaks things doctors cant fix. Working with them I could finally relax some. If I 'got in touch with my feminine side' that was OK, if the right song came on and I started dancing that was OK to! The worst [the best!] was when I'd stop with my hips in neutral and my hands on my butt cheeks, that got some comments! I don't hate or dislike 'man me', I just integrated him into who I am. He was just part of me, WAS. Now that I'm in transition he's just fallen away. Now I'm just fully me!     Who ever you are, MTF, FTM, don't hate the other you. Everyone wears a mask of some sort. I've learned that during my long life. Use the shell while you have to, then when you don't anymore let it fall away.

[Roll]

I think I'm a slightly unusual case in that I never really presented a facade nor did I live as myself. I didn't acknowledge the truth for a long time (more accurate perhaps to say that I didn't acknowledge the extent of the truth), but I never went out and put forth a male facade. I didn't have to, because I never put forth anything. I just lived in isolation for a sizable portion of my life. What I did do was just go all in on my video game nerd identity, from the time I was a kid in school, all during my exile online, and to today. Which wasn't a facade in the slightest, but neither was it the whole truth. (I was a video game nerd-girl! )

Though I definitely never fit in, I was always labeled more the weird kid than the feminine or gay one (not that some people didn't assume I was gay simply because I didn't randomly hit on and disrepect women). The whole nerd thing was convenient in that it wasn't inherently masculine or feminine, so I flew under the radar compared to those who gravitated towards the traditionally feminine from day 1. (Though in the 90's, nerd was still mostly a pariah status of its own.)

[JoanneB]

Okay so there's me and there's the facade I show th real world because I am not out and won't be for a while due to life issues.  So I'm struggling to move from hating the facade to embracing to facade as something that provides protection and allows me to function in society given the facts of my circumstances.  My question for my sisters and brothers here.  How did you move to embracing the facade, if you ever did?  How did you cope with not embracing it if you never did?

Like you, I could have taught Hollywood a thing or two about building facades. Or was it an edifice?

For me "Transitioning" was more of an internal process of healing. I needed to change how I viewed myself and learn healthier ways to think. Over time (as in years) the facade slowly crumbled away from disuse. Both of therapist once asked me "What would be different if Joanne showed up to work tomorrow?" My instinctive response was "Nothing... OK a few dropped jaws and heart attacks...." I felt I was pretty much the same no matter how I presented.