Maybe I shouldn't transition :(

[uktransgirl]

Hi everyone,

I've had a bit of a terrible day to be honest. I'm a 25 year old transwoman living in the UK. I have had dysphoria and a longing to become a woman as far back as I can remember.

About a month ago I finally started seeing a therapist and it felt incredible to finally admit to all these thoughts and feelings that had plagued me all these years. It felt like I had finally stopped denying the fact that I hate being a man and I want to be a woman. I am currently on the waiting list to see a gender therapist here in the UK who can prescribe me hormones. Unfortunately the waiting list is pretty long and I wont be seeing this gender therapist until December.

Perhaps rather foolishly I decided that now that I had finally come to terms with what I wanted I didn't want to wait until december to start HRT. So I have been self medicating for a little over a month. For the most part I haven't noticed any drastic effects. I feel a lot calmer and more rational. I used to fly of the handle if something mildly frustrating happened but currently I'm totally chilled. I would also say I'm a little bit happier.

So what's the issue? Well the last week or so my nipples have been a little bit sore when I rub them and there is a tiny hard lump under them. They're also a little bit puffy. I'm aware that this is a pretty clear sign of breast growth and I'm mostly happy that the hormones appear to be doing as advertised. But the pretty quick development is a little scary and has me reconsidering.

One of my issues sadly comes down to vanity. As a guy, despite the dysphoria around my maleness and without trying to come across as arrogant, I feel I'm fairly attractive. I have a lot going for me, I'm 6 foot+, I have an athletic male frame and I've put some time into the gym over the years to make myself muscular. Unfortunately I can't see myself ever being an attractive woman and despite the fact that I hate being a man, I also think I would hate being a super masculine looking woman.

The second issue revolves around support networks and my social circles. I really can't even imagine explaining my thoughts and feelings to my friends and family. I'm terrified I will lose everyone and become an outcast. I really wish I could find the courage to find someone to confide in but the idea of being rejected by them terrifies me.

Today I've been considering stopping all of this stuff and ignoring my dysphoria. I could focus on my career and my friends/family and my physique and try to build a successful life as a male. I will probably not ever be happy with my body but at least I will have enough success in other areas of my life to be content. 

I suppose at this point it feels like I am coming to the point where I need to make a decision either way. I have known I was trans since I was about 11 years old and I have done everything in my power to suppress it but at 25 I realise that my transition is less likely to be successful than if I transitioned at 21. Again I wish I had the courage to commit fully to this.

But anyway, sorry for the rambling above, my mind has been racing today and its honestly nice to just write out my thoughts..

[Julia1996]

Hi. Welcome to the site. I'm Julia. I can't tell you that you need to transituon or not. But I do know from reading the stories of other women here that your trans feelings can be suppressed but they never go away. 25 is still young enough to get good results from hrt. Yes it's a little easier to transition at 21 than 25 but it's a lot easier to transition at 25 than at 50. I know it's all really scary. Talking to the therapist can help a lot. I also know the thought of rejection can be scary but your family can surprise you. My dad and brother surprised me. Definitely talk to the therapist but also think about your future. Would you be ok with waking up as a 50 year old dude one day?

[JoanneB]

HRT is a double edged sword. Yes, it can help a lot with the GD, the depression, and quieting the noise in your head. But it can and usually does have an influence on secondary sex characteristics, aka breasts, among other physical factors. Finally, there is my wife's sage warning of "Estrogen will mess with your head".

For decades I relied on my on/off Brain Reset of low dose HRT, usually just estrogen. After about a month or so my brain was well reset followed by evidence that "The Prime Directive" was being violated as things were starting to take a hit below the belt    That didn't jive well  with being a "Normal(ish)" guy and my SO at the time was soon to notice that.

I tried all sorts of tricks over decades to keep the GD under control. Mostly what I call the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions and Denial. I eventually came to a point in life I needed to take the Trans-Best on for real. The only regret I have is the pain I am causing my wife. I wanted to be a girl ever since I was little. But at 6ft tall, big everything, deeper then average voice and balding since 14 that wasn't going to happen. Two utter failure transition experiments proved it wouldn't be. I settled on being "Just a CD"... with a dream.

Knowing you are trans is simple. Where on the spectrum is a far more difficult question to answer. Plus the answer is bound to change as you move through life. It could go from more towards female, or even back towards male.

HRT is a Major medical step towards transition. I believe in the UK you are required 1 year of RLE even before you can get them. The theory, I guess, is so you can experience, for real, life as a woman before taking any, possible, irreversible steps.

Plus, as you see there is a lot of Reality Therapy need. A ton of factors we tend to gloss over or ignore in the quest for peace. An experienced gender therapist can help interject some reality into the dream or fantasy of actually living and being a female.

[Charlotte F]

Hi - Welcome to Susan's.  Sorry I missed your intro, I'm MTF also from the UK (Essex)

This is a question only you can answer.  Your therapist will really help you work this out in your own mind and determine what path you want to go down

From my own experience having been in a similar position - it didn't work.  I'm 41 now and have had several successful companies and am very well respected in my field.  When I was your age (with hindsight...) I should have sought help and probably transitioned but instead just threw myself into work, hobbies, social life, etc.

Things did go well for a while but once I was heading towards my late 30's, the dysphoria grew massively and kept growing.  Ultimately, I started drinking too much and really suffered with depression and anxiety.  No matter what I did to distract myself, the dysphoria just came back stronger

I know there are girls on this forum that have successfully lived without transitioning.  I wish I had their strength but I have accepted who I am, have started to transition and am happy for the first time as an adult

Personally, I wouldn't rush to stop taking HRT just because of a few doubts.  At this stage, a very small amount of breast development will most likely just look like well developed pecs in an athletic man but I would speak with my therapist ASAP and work out where I am going

Charlotte x

[KathyLauren]

No one can tell you if you need to transition or not.  That is something that only you can determine, after talking with your therapist. 

The need to sort out what you want before you make irrevokable changes to your body is one reason why self-medicating is discouraged.  There really is a reason, besides gatekeeping, why you need to talk to a therapist before starting HRT.  Sorting out the conflicting feelings and desires that you are experiencing is the reason why the system is set up the way it is.

Unfortunately, your health care system is plagued by unreasonable waiting lists, like ours is here in Nova Scotia.  But you may be better off waiting for your appointment than ignoring your dysphoria.  Dysphoria has a way of coming back.  It is not something that can be ignored in the long run.

[Kylo]

If you are trans it'll probably bother you later down the line if you kick the can. A lot of people seem to prove this to be true.

That said, whatever's most important is up to yourself. It doesn't have to be transitioning, or what your body looks like, at the end of the day. Maybe if life was awesome and I thought I looked good I wouldn't have considered transitioning because it would have been a back burner thing. As it is, being trans screws up a great deal for me (more than I realized) and it does cross the line into making life unliveable or unenjoyable. But if your life ain't that bad, why do it? I get the impression most people do it because they don't have much choice - they are miserable if they don't.

About the people - I'd ask myself if someone's going to reject me for what I am or for having a medical condition, do they deserve my apprehension? Is their acceptance worth all that much? People are only terrifying if you depend on them somehow or for something.

[MeTony]

Only you can decide to do or not do.

I found out at age about 30 there was a condition called transgender. It was like heaven. For a while. Then I started to question myself. Pressed all the feelings since childhood back in my spine. I was married with children. I was going to be the perfect wife. Forget that I am a guy.

It lasted about 10 years. 10 years of depression and doubt. Feeling wrong and as a failure.

If you chose to stop your transition, talk to your therapist about this. Don't go around with these thoughts in your head alone. The therapist can help you.

For me, the guy in me came back like a storm and blew my feet off the ground. I can't deny it anymore. I can't suppress it anymore.


Tony

[Jessica Lynne]

If it truly is a situation of not wanting to lose your male beauty because hormones may rob you of that, I would definitely take pause and truly think about my motivation regarding transitioning.  Some of this stuff can't be unscrewed later. I doubt you'd want to find yourself sterile if you changed your mind down the line.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi UKtransgirl,

Your story is very similar to mine. I also felt like an attractive male and even though I wanted this, it was definitely a punch in the ego to see everything that people admired about me (not necessarily that I admired about myself) fade... But at the same time I can't help thinking about my gender all the time and the fact that I don't want to live as a man. I also self medicated (at first) because I didn't want to wait. Also had doubts and even regrets 2 months after starting, so I quit for 3 weeks and I am back on pills. Finally, I'm in your age range, I'm 29.

You are gonna have many doubts, all the time, and even wonder if this is worth it. But you will probably learn that dysphoria always comes back even if it "hides" and becomes tolerable for periods of time.

If you want to chat, feel free to PM me, we are going through the same stage mentally and physically, including the sore nipples.


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[Sarah77]

A therapist and a lot of sessions are what you need.

Bargaining is a big factor in many transgender persin's life.
I have SO much to lose by coming out. Not just me, but my wife and children.
In a perfect fantasy I have a lesbian relationship after transition with the woman I love.
My job remains intact and my kids are perfectly unruffled by losing their dad.

I know this won't happen, so I try to bury it all..but wave after wave of dysphoria, then doubt, then dysphoria keep crashing against my soul.

It ain't easy..only you can work out what's right and I hope it works out

[uktransgirl]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling a lot better today and for what it's worth I'm going to continue with HRT for a little longer. At least until December when I will meet the gender therapist.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. 

Hi UKtransgirl,

Your story is very similar to mine. I also felt like an attractive male and even though I wanted this, it was definitely a punch in the ego to see everything that people admired about me (not necessarily that I admired about myself) fade... But at the same time I can't help thinking about my gender all the time and the fact that I don't want to live as a man. I also self medicated (at first) because I didn't want to wait. Also had doubts and even regrets 2 months after starting, so I quit for 3 weeks and I am back on pills. Finally, I'm in your age range, I'm 29.

You are gonna have many doubts, all the time, and even wonder if this is worth it. But you will probably learn that dysphoria always comes back even if it "hides" and becomes tolerable for periods of time.

If you want to chat, feel free to PM me, we are going through the same stage mentally and physically, including the sore nipples.


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Hi Charlie,

I'd love to chat to you but it doesn't look like I'm able to send PMs. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk

[elkie-t]

You probably need to stop self-medication for now, or it may mess your blood tests with the doc in December. It would be a shame to wait this long time to be ordered to stop hormones for several months and come clean...

This pause might give you some time to think about your priorities without any guilt.

Also, I encourage you to try going out as a crossdresser. Buy some forms, some outfits, go for a day or two to London (or whatever city is nearby) or take some vacation there and immerse into life as if you are transitioning. See reaction of strangers to your new persona, try to envision your life if you decide to go. You either realize some of your fears are ungrounded, or might realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. In fact, I'd suggest moving to a new city and going full-time as a girl there, I certainly learned a lot about myself doing it (and was able later on just move to another suburb and stopped dressing and no one connected my female persona with the male one) but that might be a bit radical.


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[Katie Jade]

Hi
I definitely agree you should talk to your therapist a lot. I'm 55 and would have started this journey 40+ years ago if there was the option then, GD can be really horrible and lead you to leading a sham life or a partially one anyway. Either way you may regret it a lot. Just talk and consider your real core soul feelings, if you cant satisfy these then you are not having the happiest life you could have.
I'm 6 months self med, and wish I had the courage when I stated to talk to my Doc - I am now, waiting for first responses. And incidentally, if you family truly love you they will help you (Religion aside mind). Both my Sons realise that a second mother is better than a lost Dad.
Just keep loving and you will be fine
Hugz Katie 

[Jandy]

Hey

Very similar situation when it comes to your age, I am 24 (just turning 25) based in London,

Started properly transitioning for around 5/6 Months now and I promise its the best thing I have ever done after mass dysphoria.

I am not saying my story or option is the best , its YOUR journey and you need to listen to what YOU want.

RE: Initial treatment and help, I used Dr Webberleys service and its all done online, Called Gender GP (Lots of info here and via online), it got me access to medical professionals , blood tests, and a psychologist within a couple of weeks, after a month of setting things up, I was prescribed HRT and Anti Androgens which I would have had to wait for years on the NHS for, worth considering if you want to speak to someone now ?

Remember you have the power to do whatever your heart tells you x

Hi everyone,

I've had a bit of a terrible day to be honest. I'm a 25 year old transwoman living in the UK. I have had dysphoria and a longing to become a woman as far back as I can remember.

About a month ago I finally started seeing a therapist and it felt incredible to finally admit to all these thoughts and feelings that had plagued me all these years. It felt like I had finally stopped denying the fact that I hate being a man and I want to be a woman. I am currently on the waiting list to see a gender therapist here in the UK who can prescribe me hormones. Unfortunately the waiting list is pretty long and I wont be seeing this gender therapist until December.

Perhaps rather foolishly I decided that now that I had finally come to terms with what I wanted I didn't want to wait until december to start HRT. So I have been self medicating for a little over a month. For the most part I haven't noticed any drastic effects. I feel a lot calmer and more rational. I used to fly of the handle if something mildly frustrating happened but currently I'm totally chilled. I would also say I'm a little bit happier.

So what's the issue? Well the last week or so my nipples have been a little bit sore when I rub them and there is a tiny hard lump under them. They're also a little bit puffy. I'm aware that this is a pretty clear sign of breast growth and I'm mostly happy that the hormones appear to be doing as advertised. But the pretty quick development is a little scary and has me reconsidering.

One of my issues sadly comes down to vanity. As a guy, despite the dysphoria around my maleness and without trying to come across as arrogant, I feel I'm fairly attractive. I have a lot going for me, I'm 6 foot+, I have an athletic male frame and I've put some time into the gym over the years to make myself muscular. Unfortunately I can't see myself ever being an attractive woman and despite the fact that I hate being a man, I also think I would hate being a super masculine looking woman.

The second issue revolves around support networks and my social circles. I really can't even imagine explaining my thoughts and feelings to my friends and family. I'm terrified I will lose everyone and become an outcast. I really wish I could find the courage to find someone to confide in but the idea of being rejected by them terrifies me.

Today I've been considering stopping all of this stuff and ignoring my dysphoria. I could focus on my career and my friends/family and my physique and try to build a successful life as a male. I will probably not ever be happy with my body but at least I will have enough success in other areas of my life to be content. 

I suppose at this point it feels like I am coming to the point where I need to make a decision either way. I have known I was trans since I was about 11 years old and I have done everything in my power to suppress it but at 25 I realise that my transition is less likely to be successful than if I transitioned at 21. Again I wish I had the courage to commit fully to this.

But anyway, sorry for the rambling above, my mind has been racing today and its honestly nice to just write out my thoughts..

[Allie24]

If you're up for it, try giving yourself a gap year or two before giving yourself the green light to transition. Try some alternative methods to quell your dysphoria.

Some sources to look into:

Third Way Trans:
https://thirdwaytrans.com

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT): this is not so much a specific source, but a form of therapy used to treat a wide array of mental illnesses, most commonly Borderline Personality Disorder (which I feel shares some symptoms with gender dysphoria). Look into it. Find a therapist and tell them that you'd like to try treating your dysphoria using DBT and see how it works for you.

How to Jedi Mind Trick Your Gender Dysphoria by Felix Conrad (this is more of one person's own personal account of dealing with gender dysphoria without transitioning and sharing their own thoughts on the process; I'd say it's worth a look if the non-transitioning route is what you're considering).

But let me say this, if attractiveness is what you are worried about in regards to transitioning, then you really should reconsider going through with the process. Transition is about how you feel in your own body, not how people look at you.

Also, maybe consider adopting a genderqueer identity. Dress how you want, take hormones if you want, do what makes you feel comfortable without pressuring yourself to fit into a "male" or "female" box.

[Charlie Nicki]

But let me say this, if attractiveness is what you are worried about in regards to transitioning, then you really should reconsider going through with the process. Transition is about how you feel in your own body, not how people look at you.

I have to disagree about this. I think wanting to feel attractive is normal for anyone, cis and trans, so it's very expected that someone who is perceived as attractive in their assigned gender will want to have the same thing while presenting in their preferred gender. Much like job security, love, or any other thing that we already have. Now the are no guarantees that we will have all of that again when transitioning, but wanting it is completely normal.

Also, maybe consider adopting a genderqueer identity. Dress how you want, take hormones if you want, do what makes you feel comfortable without pressuring yourself to fit into a "male" or "female" box.

This is a good idea to explore and I've considered that myself.