Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[Roll]

((((ALSO, HUG))))

[amberwaves]

You girls are sweet.

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[Laurie]

I didn't know what to say and it looks like you could use some.

[amberwaves]

It's been a while since I've posted an update, so buckle your seatbelts and prepare for rambling. 

Thanksgiving rocked me really hard.  Took me a few days to get over it.  Sadly, as I was pulling back to normal, I discussed the events at therapy and that put me right back in the hole.  This was followed almost immediately by an argument with a friend.  I was a wreck and stuck in a very bad place for about 4 days.  Not proud of it, but I survived.

It's not all bad news though.  Since then a number of positive things have happened.  I got my second therapist letter.  That frees up my schedule so much.  Now I can start figuring out when to start genital electrolysis.  Probably after tax season, so I can use the tax return as a buffer while waiting on insurance to reimburse.

We got all of our Christmas shopping done.  The kids are getting a Nintendo Switch.  We didn't think we were going to be able to swing it, but the stars and planets aligned.  So excited.  I've wanted one since I first heard about the system.  Not going to lie, when the kids visit Grandma, I have been playing Mario Odyssey.  I'll wrap it on Christmas Eve.  Wish we could have gotten more games, but for the moment, it's still awesome.

I finally got the chance to hash things out with my friend.  Things had fallen apart almost entirely.  We finally got the chance to have a serious talk about everything.  We both had a lot of misperceptions and we had stopped being honest and open.  We hashed out some boundaries and corrected a lot of the misunderstanding.  Since then things have almost returned to normal as it was before everything blew up.  I couldn't be happier.  We both promised to be brutally honest about when either of us does or says something that makes the other uncomfortable.  It's been almost a week and so far so good.  We worked together tonight and hung out on break and there wasn't any of the awkwardness that had tainted everything.

We put up the Christmas decorations.  The kids were so excited to help out.  The cat has remarkably not been at the tree very much.  The girls told me that this year we should put out healthy snacks for santa so he has energy to give all the kids presents.  Also, we are supposed to leave carrots for the reindeer.  It's so cute.

I've been thinking of going back to blonde (my natural color).  My hair just eats dye and no matter what color (or quality) I choose or precautions I take it just fades so quickly.  I surprised my coworker talking about it because she didn't realize I wasn't naturally red.  That's when I realized that I haven't had my natural color since I started that job.

Weight loss continues.  I'm down 38 pounds since July.  It still weirds me out because I am not trying at all.  Every other time in life that I wanted to lose weight it seemed like I had to work 3x harder than everyone else.  Now weight just seems to be falling off.  My brain is wired and thought about where I was and where I am and realized I lost a little over 1/8th of my weight (or 1 of my eldest daughter, as a unit of measurement).  Still have 20 more to go by August, but not very concerned at all since I have been maintaining almost 2/wk for months now.  Maybe with my schedule freeing up I will be able to find time to actually go to the gym.

Thank you to all of you lovelies who have been supportive during these past few rough patches.  I really appreciate it, even if I don't usually say it.  I hope the positive trend continues.

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[HappyMoni]

I caught up on your thread tonight. It stuck me that your approach to the nasty relatives was very reasonable and healthy for you. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you, even if it doesn't please everyone. I also think you expressing what you are thinking is a tremendous positive. It is not good to hold everything in. I have always been one to express emotions more than, say, my family. Now that I live as my true gender, they seem to not think that is so odd anymore. Acceptable for girls, I guess. Anyway, I root for you to 'get it out.' Don't care if it is negative thoughts, although I really like hearing of the positive stuff. Glad you cleared things up with your friend.
Moni
I keep putting off dying my hair. Fear is one reason. I may try to do some hair transplants and not sure if that makes that harder. Then too it is expensive, right? I am picturing a chestnut brown to cover the dirty blond/grey mix I have now. Talk later, and yes, hugs to you.

[Roll]

So glad you've had some positives lately!

I hope you enjoy the Switch, I've loved mine so far! Mario Odyssey was incredibly fun, I just went through it myself (it is about all that kept me sane past week and a half). Unfortunately it's still a little short on games. but what it does have is exceptional.

And a huge congrats on the continued weight loss! I'm pretty sure I've stalled out hardcore myself with the holidays.

[Laurie]

Hi Amber,

  I like your red hair, but you can go back to blond. Sigh  I was pleased to read that you are agin moving forward with positive thing happening for you. Congrats on the weight loss. If you figure out what you're doing to make it fall off do pass it on to the rest of us. My last weigh in at the doctor showed I gained 2 of the 8 lbs I had lost previously back and frankly that didn't surprise me as losing weight hasn't even been in my thoughts for awhile. One thing this depression hasn't affected is my appetite. Darn you'd think I could get something good from it! LOL.
  Anyway Amber I am glad that you are doing better and hope you and yours enjoy the upcoming holidays.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Jenntrans]

Hi Amber,

I like your red hair, but you can go back to blond.

I don't know because with her red hair it reminds me so much of a close cousin I have Laurie. We used to play with dolls together when we were younger. We went to different schools and she would introduce me to guys because she knew everything. I am going to have to call her tonight.

[Jenntrans]

 
That frees up my schedule so much.  Now I can start figuring out when to start genital electrolysis.  Probably after tax season, so I can use the tax return as a buffer while waiting on insurance to reimburse.

I would not  do anything permanent with genitalia hair. Styles change. Yes Everyone seems to like a smooth trans woman down there and my BF included but... What about 2 years from now? What about 4 or 10 years from now? Most of my friends are cis women and they shave instead of the laser or electrolysis. Hell in ten years guys may shave everything and women grow hair on their legs and under their arms.

I will say this though. Shaving everyday is a bitch. I have done the laser on my chest and face and that is all. That is the only place that women don't really have to shave yet some still do. It cost a lot of money and I still have "sideburns" and stray hairs and then I pull the "Epilady" out.

This is a bad fact. Women grow hair in all the same paces that a man grow it. That kind of sux but styles change. I went from hairy pubes with the bikini line shaved in the eighties to totally shaved now or a "landing strip" and whatever happens next year that may be a style I don't know.

Just be careful of what hair you want to rid yourself of because styles change. It is not a haircut that you may have to live with for six months but permanently more or less. For an example my brows are so thing because I plucked the hell out of then and they stopped growing but now thick brows are in. I can't grow thicker brows anymore.

Look I am a trans woman and have a boyfriend and sometimes he wants me to grow out my pubes so he can shape them or shave them all off even. He actually likes doing that and I can tell because.... well I ain't going to say but...

I don't thing at my age or even yours that hairless legs will come out of style or a hairless face and definitely not your chest but I would focus my money on those areas. And you pubic area??? That can be so sensual when you let someone else control what they like while you just sit back and relax in a tub with some wines and candles. I do but I hate when he kisses my nose. I am not his daughter or his dog so don't kiss me on the nose. I just redirect him to my mouth. Sorry guys but sometimes you are just so clueless.

Look. You and I can't predict the styles but I do my BF has wanted me to have all different styles down there so don't do anything permanent. In five years a full bush my be stylish. I hope not though. I hope the style stays smooth or very thin at least and very short. I truly hate a full bush.

[amberwaves]

So apparently you don't recall that we had this conversation over 20 posts ago on this thread.  This is electrolysis of the vaginoplasty donor site nothing more.  Is this going to Happen every time it comes up?

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[Jenntrans]

So apparently you don't recall that we had this conversation over 20 posts ago on this thread.  This is electrolysis of the vaginoplasty donor site nothing more.  Is this going to Happen every time it comes up?

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Sorry.

[amberwaves]

Sorry.

It's okay, I just read that and got this weird deja vu feeling.

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[amberwaves]

I plan on typing up a full update when I have time. It's been a while and i've been meaning to do it for a bit now.  The short version is things kind of suck overall and generally speaking I am not very motivated or enthused about anything.

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[Laurie]

Hi Amber,

  I think most of us have felt like that at some point. Just don't let it linger for long.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[amberwaves]

Well I'm on my lunch break with nothing better to do so I guess I'll try typing up an actual post.  Not that this is a particularly popular thread there seems to be at least a handful of you who read it.  There is likely to be a more or less rambling time to this as I haven't bothered to collect my thoughts.

So Christmas happened and it sucked. It wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was incredibly lonely and isolating.  On the bright side at least the card that I got had my correct name on it.  New Year's eve was boring and I didn't do anything.  My wife worked that night until 11 and I had to be up early for work the next day anyway so I just crashed early.

I have been working almost exclusively dayshift for the past few weeks.  I don't mind the hours or the work, per se.  However it seems like there is a 50/50 chance of getting screwed over on the day.  It's so great for me when my mood gets tanked almost first thing in the morning.  Half of my co-workers in my department are complete slackers and now they are the closers every night.  So much stuff not getting done now that I used to do. It irritates the crap out of me.  I can't just switch off and not care like other people seem to be able to do. It's grating on me that others aren't held to the same standards.

On that note it came out that Walmart (the company I work for) will be raising their company minimum wage to $11 an hour. Unfortunately, I severely doubt there will be any sort of raise for those that make over that amount.  This means that I will be making a whopping 2.7% more than the worthless people i'm complaining about. It shouldn't get to me as bad as it does, but that thought is killing me and any drive I had left.

I have come to the realization that I have pretty much no friends anymore.  This has been a slow decay that in a few instances was exacted by my transition.  I have 2 that I can count. Each one I talk to about once every other week or so.  I don't really have the opportunity to make new ones these days either.  I'm rather reserved and have always been very selective of my friends.  I'm sick of always having to be the one to keep contact.  I'm tired of bring an afterthought.  That has been the story of my life.  I very recently decided to cull the list from 3 to 2.  It was very lopsided and I got to feel like crap after most interactions only to be considered the crazy demanding one.  It just doesn't seem worth it.

Home life has been pretty abysmal lately.  I honestly wish we wouldn't have had a third child.  It has added so much stress.  My wife has been pretty distant dealing with her own problems lately. The house remains a cluttered mess.  Fwiw I am part of the problem with that too, but I am at a loss for solutions and I can't fix things on my own. I've manned to get intimate alone time with my wife once over the past 3 months.  Unfortunately, I am the type of person who needs that connection.  I am rather high maintenance emotionally due to my complete lack of self esteem and my BPD.  We've talked a handful of times about things, but no solutions have come up.

I have been in a pretty good depression for a while now.  I have been tracking my mood daily for about 3 months now and there is a definitive downward trend line. Meds remain ineffective for dealing with it.  I have a check in soon, so hopefully we can add or adjust things.  Therapy had been as depressing as it had been helpful. When you deal with problems that form core parts of your identity is really hard.  In some ways I miss the old me.  He would just be angry about all the things going on.  Now there is very little anger, just a chronic melancholy.

There is likely more for me to talk about, but I am out of time for now.  Sorry to be such a downer, but that's life sometimes.

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[Cassi]

Sounds like you have your emotional plate full and then some.  I can wish that you are able to continue to deal with these issues and come to terms or at least peace with any negatives you have in your life.

[Roll]

Well I'm on my lunch break with nothing better to do so I guess I'll try typing up an actual post.  Not that this is a particularly popular thread there seems to be at least a handful of you who read it.  There is likely to be a more or less rambling time to this as I haven't bothered to collect my thoughts.

Amber, I can promise you this: As long as you are posting, I'll be reading.

I'm so sorry that things have been so down for you again. I can barely deal with this while just doing half assed school work, I am in awe of the pure strength you and others show in tackling this issue while having kids, spouses, careers, and so forth. And you are strong, you've proven it just by being here, don't ever forget that.

I'm right there with you when it comes to friends. Friends are tough, I don't get them at all. I made light about this in another thread (Sarah_P's I think), but I genuinely don't know how to meet people, much less make friends. I see my step brother going to do stuff with his like dozen friends he hangs out with and I'm just confused about how he has those friends at a fundamental level. (And more than a little bit confused why he would want so many.)

And the wage stuff is definitely totally unfair, you have a right to be bothered by it. If you do more work at a higher quality, you should be recognized for it in a meaningful way. I could write a novel about the bad economics of that increasingly common scenario, but I won't delve fully into such a potentially volatile subject here. 

[amberwaves]

Thanks.  I have a fan base of one.  I guess you can elect yourself president of the club.

I've struggled my whole life with depression.  It just happens to be kicking my @$$ harder than usual lately.  I'm tired of being strong.  Having a wife is easy.  Having small children is hard.  I never wanted kids in the first place.  They are cute and smart and luckily have a much happier and less tortuous life than I did.  Doesn't mean I like being a parent most of the time.

I would hardly say I have a career.  Mostly a long string of crap.  It's honestly my own fault anyway.  I have a degree.  Graduated magna cum laude with a dual degree in PoliSci and Economics.  Doesn't mean crap when there are no jobs near you.  The problem with most economic employment models is that they assume free mobility within the labor market.  I missed that window and was geographically and familialy tied down by the time I got my degree.  Honestly, I am trying to keep my income down right now anyway.  We are on medical assistance which covers trans care including GCS.  Last thing I need is to gain employment somewhere with insurance that doesn't.  Just stuck for the time being.  Doesn't mean I have to like scraping the bottom of the economic barrel.

At least in your case Ellie people seem to to find you amusing and jump in on your conversations.  You have some measure of light hearted charm (at least online).  For whatever reason I don't seem to have that.  Even online I seem to be rather unapproachable and forgettable.  It is what it is I guess.

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[Cassi]

Thanks.  I have a fan base of one.  I guess you can elect yourself president of the club.

I've struggled my whole life with depression.  It just happens to be kicking my @$$ harder than usual lately.  I'm tired of being strong.  Having a wife is easy.  Having small children is hard.  I never wanted kids in the first place.  They are cute and smart and luckily have a much happier and less tortuous life than I did.  Doesn't mean I like being a parent most of the time.

I would hardly say I have a career.  Mostly a long string of crap.  It's honestly my own fault anyway.  I have a degree.  Graduated magna cum laude with a dual degree in PoliSci and Economics.  Doesn't mean crap when there are no jobs near you.  The problem with most economic employment models is that they assume free mobility within the labor market.  I missed that window and was geographically and familialy tied down by the time I got my degree.  Honestly, I am trying to keep my income down right now anyway.  We are on medical assistance which covers trans care including GCS.  Last thing I need is to gain employment somewhere with insurance that doesn't.  Just stuck for the time being.  Doesn't mean I have to like scraping the bottom of the economic barrel.

At least in your case Ellie people seem to to find you amusing and jump in on your conversations.  You have some measure of light hearted charm (at least online).  For whatever reason I don't seem to have that.  Even online I seem to be rather unapproachable and forgettable.  It is what it is I guess.

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Come on Amber ya gots to get some funnians going!

[Laurie]

  Hey Amber what am I chopped liver? I read your posts too. Yes I get behind in them and don't always really have something to say  but I do read them. I was here through your friend problem from your not being sure you should get more involved to the misunderstanding that cause a rift and to you and her talking it out. I care about you and am sorry that you too are dealing with depression. I have been for several months too and my holidays were difficult at Christmas due to my own issues and I was offline for over 2 days because if them. New years was a nothing for me like most holidays.
  I did miss your job change to Walmart and the pay thing is going to suck if you are not given that presidential raise that he promised the country. How anyone can view that ridiculous tax bill as good for the people of this country I cannot understand. It will hurt millions that cannot afford it now and will wind up killing many of the poor and the elderly. Which I really think is the plan.
  Dang it! there I go again. (Climbs down off the soapbox)  Anyway Amber I hope you are wrong and you do get a raise too.
   I am here  for you also Amber.

(((Hug)))
  Laurie