Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[Cassi]

Oh my, I miss one day and Amber's thread gets taken over by strange obsessions with space ships, cultists, pitch fork bearing secretaries shoveling snow whilst burning amber as everyone drinks that awful tasting Crystal Light fruit punch imitation Kool aid. Have you all gone loona? moonie? bilunar? oh heck have y'all gone nuts? Am I the only sane one left? Now hold still Minieca... what's that? oh this? no no it only looks like a butterfly net.

We all like to keep you busy Sis!

[amberwaves]

Whelp screw today.  I feel like all day has been as if I was a salmon swimming upstream, except they actually make progress.  I guess I was just the one that got caught in the grizzly bear's mouth.  I'm done trying and I am going to bed (even though it is only 5:30).  Today will be over then, and even if I can't fall asleep I will just lay here and sulk until it happens.  I was starting to feel a bit better over the last 2 days. Thank you ladies for helping with that.  Now I am right back in the pisser.  I am done being nice and I am done trying to give a spit about pretty much everything.  Turns out I'm just a miserable bitch at heart.  Not my fault I was irreparable broken in my early years.  I cobbled together a facsimile of a life from the flotsam and I guess I'll just have to learn to be content with the rotting scraps life gives me.  Sorry for bringing anyone down.  All of you should have just not bothered to get involved with me or this thread the second you read the words borderline personality disorder.  It sucks to have it and it sucks to associate with anyone who does.  Everyone does not need to worry, I am not suicidal or about to do anything impulsively stupid.  Though I will admit that self harm is rather appealing atm (not going to do that either).  Sucks to suck and not everyone gets to have a charmed, or even reasonably adequate, life.  I'm done venting for a while.  Signing off for a while.

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[HappyMoni]

Sorry you are feeling so bad Amber. If you don't mind, I'll stick with you though. Get some sleep.
Moni

[amberwaves]

Well since I have been nothing but a downer lately I shall post about some positive stuff.

I said fudge it to housework yesterday.  I lazed about and painted my nails and engaged in some much neglected body hair removal.  With the winter I have been terrible about keeping up with that sort of thing.  While hormones have reduced body hair a good bit particularly I find that I still can generate quite an annoying amount of stomach/chest hair.  It is much lighter and thinner, but still there and noticeable.  Luckily back hair and the dark you're arm hair is a thing of the past.

I wasn't feeling particularly sociable, but I had agreed to go with my wife to a small get together of ladies last night.  It was fun and nice to see some of the people there that I haven't seen much since I left my old job.  It was also nice to have an evening together with my wife and zero kids that didn't involve one of us working. I also got a compliment on my makeup and that always is nice.

My breasts are annoyingly sensitive and going through another growth spurt.  I've been on hormones for around 18 months now.  I've had decent development over that time and it's still going.  I merely put this out there for those ladies that start later (35 in my case) that age is not really the best indicator of development.  Given that all the women in my family are quite buxom I expected decent growth.  It can be rather annoying sometimes though.  It's very unladylike to stop to scratch a very itchy nipple.

I went to the thrift shop to pick up some new pants for work.  I was pleased to fit into a size 14 pants.  Not bad since I started at a size 18/20.  Unfortunately, I still have a terrible time with tops due to my large shoulders.  Despite losing weight, non of it has come off the shoulders/upper arms.  I've lost most of my stomach and love handles and have a nice curvy look, but I'm still a bit top heavy.

I am going to go back to red for the hair.  I don't mind being blonde, but it makes it harder to hide the hairline problems.  My hair receded over the years at the temples.  I can hide it really well with bangs, but the lighter blonde shade makes it much more finicky.  A shift in my bangs or pulling a pony tail too tight makes it much more obvious.  Red hair suits me well and it still surprises people to hear that it's not my natural color.

See not everything is doom and gloom.

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[Roll]

Glad to hear you are looking at positives!

I can't wait until I'm as far along in hrt as you are, I really hate waiting for even the beginning changes.

[Cassi]

Good fer ya Sweetie!

[amberwaves]

I can't wait until I'm as far along in hrt as you are, I really hate waiting for even the beginning changes.

Try not to sweat it.  You'll get there.  One day you'll be like holy crap it's been a year.  Honestly, the first few months seem to take forever partly because you are trying to get T down and fiddling with dosages every 3 months or so.  I saw some decent early changes, but even then it was probably close to 4-5 months until I started really see changes (at least under my heavy scrutiny) and feel much better.  Then again my E was crap at the 3 month mark.  I want to say it was only at 25.  Though my T was down to like 200  so substantially less than baseline.

I guess the moral of the story is don't sweat it and enjoy the ride.

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[amberwaves]

Whelp for the second time in less than a week I was too late for an appointment and had to reschedule after showing up.  Screw this adulting thing.  Time management and I are not on speaking terms right now.  Nevermind the fact that it takes pretty much 20 minutes to get from any parking spot to where I need to go.  I shouldn't have to leave my house an hour early just to go one town over for an appointment.  Really irritated and angry right now.  I have another appointment in the same place (therapist)  in an hour.  This is going to be a fun session now that my mood is already tanked.  Geez why should I expect to have more than 2 good days in a row.  FML

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[Roll]

Whelp for the second time in less than a week I was too late for an appointment and had to reschedule after showing up.  Screw this adulting thing.  Time management and I are not on speaking terms right now.  Nevermind the fact that it takes pretty much 20 minutes to get from any parking spot to where I need to go.  I shouldn't have to leave my house an hour early just to go one town over for an appointment.  Really irritated and angry right now.  I have another appointment in the same place (therapist)  in an hour.  This is going to be a fun session now that my mood is already tanked.  Geez why should I expect to have more than 2 good days in a row.  FML

Have you tried doing telemed? I know it's not for everyone, but I've benefited greatly from it time wise even if it was mostly a logistics issue in terms of access I started with it. For in person stuff I always have to be ready hours early to make it anywhere on time, which is impractical to say the least (I also have to go the equivalent of a town over since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors), and that isn't even with doing makeup and stuff since I don't present in public yet. Telemed gives me breathing room to get ready girl mode without killing myself doing so.

[amberwaves]

Have you tried doing telemed? I know it's not for everyone, but I've benefited greatly from it time wise even if it was mostly a logistics issue in terms of access I started with it. For in person stuff I always have to be ready hours early to make it anywhere on time, which is impractical to say the least (I also have to go the equivalent of a town over since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors), and that isn't even with doing makeup and stuff since I don't present in public yet. Telemed gives me breathing room to get ready girl mode without killing myself doing so.

Pretty sure I would still find a way to be late.

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[Cassi]

Have you tried doing telemed? I know it's not for everyone, but I've benefited greatly from it time wise even if it was mostly a logistics issue in terms of access I started with it. For in person stuff I always have to be ready hours early to make it anywhere on time, which is impractical to say the least (I also have to go the equivalent of a town over since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors), and that isn't even with doing makeup and stuff since I don't present in public yet. Telemed gives me breathing room to get ready girl mode without killing myself doing so.

" since I have to leave island and go to main land for doctors"  Is that you Mary Ann?  Where's Gilligan.

[amberwaves]

Decidedly I wish I could give up.  I can't and have never known how to, but damn do I wish I could.  It takes so much much effort to ignore/beat back the cycle of negative thoughts on a daily basis, it's amazing I have energy for anything else.  Fun thing is that I suffer in silence to almost all the rest of the world.  I do share some of my pain and struggles with you girls.  Even though it makes me feel like I am just being whiney. While everyone can see when I'm in a bad mood, they are clueless as to why or the depths it reaches.  The level of negativity in my brain (particularly with regards to myself) is astronomically abnormal that it is almost incomprehensible to neurotypicals that someone could even function, let alone try to understand the inner workings of it.  It makes me sad that I had to end that friendship recently.  She too suffers from "quiet" bpd.  There was an understanding there.  Too bad it also led to us inadvertantly hurting each other far too often.

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[Laurie]

  Hi Amber,

  Venting isn't whining. I am usually a bit early for my appointments but I do n't leave must margin for travel in getting there. Then I also seem to suffer from sometimers. Like going to a therapy appointment an hour early because I put it in my phone wrong. Or the other day being late for my facial torture because I thought it was a half and hour later than it was. I have checked it the night before. Really I have started questioning myself recently. I think my typos are more than just not knowing how to type properly because I find completely different words on the screen from what I thought I was typing. Anyway  time can be challenging for some of us. You are not alone there.
  Negativity, yep that is me. Been told I was too many times to count and that's when I am feeling okay or thought I was. I'm a natural born pessimist. And if you want negativity just look back over the last several month of posts in my thread. Fortunately the pills have started working in earnest. They are helping keep those dark thoughts at bay. Iam afraid to say I am feeling pretty much normal again.
  Life can be difficult as you know Amber. We needs must keep plodding foward until we can feel thar spring in our steps again and then we can dance.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Cassi]

As far as having to be somewhere at a certain time, from day one as far back as I can remember, I was always told, NEVER BE LATE.  If it was work, I was always 10 minutes early and gods forbid I was a minute late - it took me hours to get over that.

Now I don't have to be anymore and haven't experienced that late feeling except when thinking about my doctor appointments, lol.  Come to mind I was actually an hour early for my first HRT appointment, lol.

[amberwaves]

Yeah is mostly the ADHD that contributes the most to being late.  That and me just really being terrible at allotting any sort of buffer time for stuff like traffic.

I fail to see the point in optimism at the moment.  Laurie, I do consider it whining.  I don't add anything constructive, nor am I really seeking support.  I am casting my negativity to the ether.  Anything positive suggested or brought up is very likely to be discarded offhand.  I can't take compliments and my twisted brain will either find a reason not act on or accept advice, or it'll just twist things around to make me feel worse because I can't do something "simple" or "like a normal" person.  I'm not really trying to be a pissant about it.  This is just the sad reality of how my brain operates.

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[HappyMoni]

Who you kidding Amber, there are no normal people. I think it is just a struggle to be the best us we can be. Screw the comparisons to normal people. I know you are frustrated and know nothing I say may help you, I just hope you can vent, feel a little better and then secretly keep hope alive for things to get better.

[amberwaves]

I know you are frustrated and know nothing I say may help you

This right here.  This is the reason I go silent and bottle things up. This is the reason I don't vent and share.  This is the inevitable outcome.  Other people care, but I am a s#'÷ and there is zero way to help me.  So all I do I make others upset because they care but can't help.  Which makes me feel like crap because I know that's a really crappy and unfair thing to do to someone.  This is a part of the torture I've put my wife through for years.  Thank you for caring, but I'm going to shut up for a while.  I really dislike being me sometimes.  This just happens to be one of those times.

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[Cassi]

This right here.  This is the reason I go silent and bottle things up. This is the reason I don't vent and share.  This is the inevitable outcome.  Other people care, but I am a s#'÷ and there is zero way to help me.  So all I do I make others upset because they care but can't help.  Which makes me feel like crap because I know that's a really crappy and unfair thing to do to someone.  This is a part of the torture I've put my wife through for years.  Thank you for caring, but I'm going to shut up for a while.  I really dislike being me sometimes.  This just happens to be one of those times.

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I have to play the devil's advocate not saying Moni is the devil but I have one question for you and you don't even have to answer it.

I read an earlier comment of your's and while I thought of saying something, I felt it better to just let you vent.  I feel that Moni was reaching out to you at least in the sense of letting you know that she had read your comment(s) and felt for you and by saying something wanted to let you know that she cared.

Question is:  Would you rather have people view your comment(s) and not say anything, or welcome what they may say? 

I think my first time in typing anything in this thread was to let you know that your thread had been read, remember?

[Sharon Anne McC]

*
Amberwaves:

Thank you for your thread sharing your transition experiences.

Thank you others for adding to this good read.

Allow my comments that bookend to your post.

You transition at your pace.  If you feel the need to move quickly, then do so.  If you feel the need to move cautiously, then do so.  It is your personal journey, a marathon in which you decide your finish line.

You wrote that you need bottom surgery.  There are many excellent surgeons world-wide.  It is never too soon to begin corresponding with prospective surgeons.  Some may have a waiting list of two to three years for their initial consultation and another two to three years for surgery date.

Nearly all surgeons require complete electrolysis at your site for bottom surgery.  That may not be necessary.

As the saying goes here:  YMMV.  I had a very hairy body.  Hormones cleared that all away; I haven't shaved since the 1980s.  You may not require electrolysis if hormones will do likewise for you.

Now to the other bookend.

You got it - 'enjoy the ride' - it will go fast enough.

I celebrated my 40th anniversary of my enrollment in Stanford University's 'Gender Dysphoria' program last December.  I still am amazed how time flies.  Through both my transition period and since my full-time, I counted the days, then the weeks, then the months, then the years.  Now I count decades.

Please take your time to smell your roses.  Savor each moment - good, bad, indifferent - they will be your memories for life.  The lucky transitioners have family and friends with them.

I wish you all the best.

*

[amberwaves]

I feel that Moni was reaching out to you at least in the sense of letting you know that she had read your comment(s) and felt for you and by saying something wanted to let you know that she cared.

Question is:  Would you rather have people view your comment(s) and not say anything, or welcome what they may say? 

I agree with your assessment.

Also that is an excellent question. It also happens to be one without a good answer. 

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