Okay, so I guess I completed my homework today. I had a therapy session today and I got to talking about my children and she pointed out that I was smiling as I talked about them. It's such a fun thing to go from extremely depressed to normal and back again all the time, sometimes even multiple times in the same day. Those foul moods never last more than a couple days contiguously. Unfortunately, my emotions can be like out of This is Spinal Tap. "Yeah, but ours go to eleven!"
All in all today was a decent day, despite some annoyances. I had to drive down for more electrolysis this morning. Three hours of boredom left with my own thoughts. I did manage to observe something interesting because of the isolation though. I started off around 5:30 and stopped around 6 for breakfast, coffee, and gas. At that time I popped my Adderall and started off on the highway. From the beginning of my drive at the butt crack of dawn I had been plagued by the lull of unwanted negative thoughts. So as I drove I was mulling things over and over. Around 7ish I noticed that the frequency/intensity of the randomly negative thoughts was diminished to a dull background noise in my head. This coincides nicely with the onset time of the medication.
I had been wondering and somewhat upset that it hadn't done much to reduce the clutter in my brain, or so I thought. Turns out that it does have an effect, but it's subtle and typically there is too much else going on for me to notice. It also varies in how effectively it dulls the thoughts so it indicates that I may not be at the correct dosage yet. Luckily my 3 month follow up is tomorrow morning so I have some new data to bring up.
Getting zapped wasn't bad. The time passes very quickly because we talk the entire session. The subject matter weaves all over the place as good conversation tends to do. I got a nice compliment on my eye makeup. I love the pallette I bought my wife for Christmas. The colors are so vibrant. Apparently, a tired, uncaffienated me can still do a good job. I joked that it's a little amusing that my wife is the one who will be going to cosmetology school, but I am better with makeup than her.
All these feminine/womanly things I just took to like a fish. I picked up makeup quickly and easily. Having long nails and still being able to do things came naturally. Walking in heels took pretty much no adjustment. It really does feel like a cruel prank was played on me for my first 35 years.
While I was there I saw a few other transwomen. I didn't really have the time or inclination to interact with any of them beyond a few short exchanges. There is a dearth of transgender individuals in the area I live, so my interactions with them have been very limited. Actually, being around a few for once was a very interesting experience. Except for all the scruff on my face, due to not shaving for a few days, i finally starting to realize how lucky I have been with my results in transition. I am always so self-conscious of my flaws. I really have no need to be.
I don't think it ever really sunk in how passable I am. Even at my very first session of electrolysis the technician commented that she was very surprised that I was her patient because she thought I was a cis-woman. Now that I am slimming down substantially I also see that I more attractive than a lot of the women I encounter daily. Wtf, mind=blown! For whatever reason my brain decided that it wants to ignore all the homely ladies and transwomen that struggle to pass and try to compare myself to the insanely lucky ones who could be models. Bad brain! Stop making me feel bad!
I have seen plenty of the photos of many of you ladies here and on >-bleeped-< and a few other places. I never stopped to think about how the camera loves some people and the quality of the photos are much higher. In my case the camera has never seemed to like me much and does not do me justice compared to reality. So like everything else, it seems, my perception of reality is incredibly skewed. Sorry if this all seems kind of bragging. I am not trying to, but it's so peculiar to me to reconcile all this that I am just throwing it out there as my experience.
I would like to thank all of you fine people who have been so supportive. I know that I am extremely difficult sometimes and nothing anyone can say send to help. I am trying to get better. It's just so frickin hard to change when these negative patterns have intertwined themselves into the very fabric of your being. I'll get there eventually, probably kicking and screaming the whole way. I do appreciate all the support, even if I don't seem like it at the time. [emoji4]
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